by KB Winters
And a hotel? That wouldn’t work either.
I was the parent. The adult. I couldn’t disappear for a night of play.
No matter how much I craved it.
Which led me to the conclusion that it was time to put away those days, and move into the next phase of life. I didn’t want to be a single parent for the next decade.
So, I’d decided that dating would be the next logical step.
My last relationship had ended in disaster when I’d confronted my ex with a story circulating through the base that she’d been hitting up Army bars on the weekends I was training. She’d caved pretty quickly and the whole ugly truth had poured out. She’d been seeing a handful of guys casually to fill time when I was too busy for her. She’d apologized and promised that she’d change if I gave her another chance, but I wasn’t able to move past the images of her screwing some other guy. Especially since there was a good chance the other guy was someone I worked with, or at least someone who knew me.
I wasn’t going to be disrespected like that in front of all my fellow soldiers.
When the relationship was over, it had stung more than I’d expected, and made me see just how deep my feelings had become for her over the year and a half that we’d been together. In the end, it had been easier to step away from the long term game, and throw myself into short, easy, temporary.
Uncomplicated.
But now, the script of my life had been flipped again, and I couldn’t stick with my shallow game unless I was willing to wait a very long time.
“No,” I said firmly, shaking my head to my own inner monologue. I wasn’t going to wait. It was time—probably long past time—for me to grow up and move on from my own butthurt feelings about the past and take a chance on finding something real.
Something that was bound to be complicated.
With that in mind, I began to type a reply to SunshineGirl.
Chapter Seven
Isla
For the first time in recent memory I was completely caught up with everything. My laundry was done, folded, and put away. The house was immaculate. Lily’s room was clean and clutter free—well, at least as much as any four-year-olds room could be. I’d taken my car to the local car wash and vacuumed all the Cheerios and cheese puffs from the backseat. And, to top off the busy afternoon, I’d even went to the salon and got a haircut and manicure.
When it was all done, Friday afternoon, I sank into one of the overstuffed chairs in the formal living room and sighed with relief. “Well, no wonder I’m always stressed. I’ve been trying to fit an entire week’s worth of chores and work into one day,” I marveled to myself.
The office had been closed for the whole week, in order for people to be with their families for Thanksgiving, which was the only reason I’d finally been able to conquer my mile long to do list.
“Did you say something, dear?” My mom called from the kitchen.
I got up from the chair and followed the scents that were tickling my nose into the kitchen. She was standing at the island, knife in hand, poised over a large cutting board that was overflowing with a colorful array of veggies, and the crockpot was sitting on the other side. “I was just saying how nice it is to be caught up with…life.”
My mom laughed and started dicing an onion. “I hear ya. Although, I have a feeling that Monday is going to hit us all like a freight train.”
I crossed to look into the crockpot and breathed deeply. She had some turkey stock coming to a boil and it had my mouth watering. It was traditional that the day after Thanksgiving, she took the leftovers and turned it into a hearty stew that we’d all plow through over the weekend.
“Where’s Lily?”
I turned away from the crockpot and hopped up onto the counter. My mom shot me a look, but didn’t tell me to get down. “She’s still sleeping. I guess yesterday took it out of her.”
We’d had a large family gathering, with both my mom and dad’s side of the family coming together to celebrate Thanksgiving. Lily had run herself ragged chasing after her older cousins all afternoon.
“Sweet girl,” my mom said, smiling down at her pile of veggies. She picked up the cutting board and crossed over to where I was sitting and started to dump them into the warmed stock. “Why don’t you get out of here for a few hours? Your dad and I can watch Lily. I think he wanted to take her over to the park if the rain lets up.”
“Where am I gonna go?” I asked, my voice flat. I’d already sneaked away for my salon appointment after she’d first gone down for her nap.
“I don’t know. The coffee shop? Meet up with some friends or something?” My mom didn’t look over to catch me scowling as she stirred the beginnings of the stew.
“I think you’re forgetting that my social life is about three thousand miles away,” I replied.
At the bitter tone in my voice, she finally looked over at me. “Come on, you have friends here. What about that girl you used to work with you? Rebecca? Reba?”
I shook my head. “Rebecca moved to Portland last summer. I promise, Mom, I’m not being dramatic. I really don’t have friends here. A social life isn’t exactly easy to manage when you’re a single mom and work sixty hours a week. I mean, today was my first haircut in probably six months. That should tell you something.”
She reached over and fingered the freshly cut ends of my hair, bringing them back over my shoulders, and smiled. “It looks nice. I meant to tell you earlier.”
“Thanks.” I sighed. “Maybe I’ll go out for a coffee.”
There was a glimmer of sadness in my mom’s eyes as she nodded at my suggestion. “All right, baby.” She pressed a kiss to my cheek once I hopped down from the counter. I went out the side door, grabbing my coat on the way. As I started my car in the garage, I wondered if it was a bad sign that my mother was more worried about the state of my social life than I was.
* * * *
“A tall cappuccino with a shot of vanilla, please.” The girl taking my order smiled and rang me up. I dropped the coins from my change into her tip jar and went to the end of the wooden bar where a team of baristas worked to make drinks. The cafe was a little hole in the wall place, but it was always busy.
Drink in hand, I went to make myself comfortable on one of the vacant couches near the back of the shop. I put my earbuds in so that no one would talk to me.
That’s probably why you don’t have a social life, I told myself as I slipped the plastic nubs into my ears. I wore my earbuds everywhere I went, other than work or when I was with Lily. I even grocery shopped with them in. I preferred music to the chit chat of those around me. My life was so busy and chaotic that in the rare moments I had to myself, I wanted to drown it all out.
I pushed up the volume on one of my favorite songs and took my first sip of my coffee, purring as the warm milk hit my tongue. I usually didn’t buy coffee, preferring to save money and brew at home, so a coffee out was a treat. As I sipped, I looked around the cafe, wondering how I would meet someone if I wanted to strike up a friendship. The conversation with my mom was still buzzing in my ears and I continued debating whether or not I should be concerned about my lacking social life.
I had never mentioned the single parent’s forum to my mom or dad. It never seemed important, but as I finished my sweep of the room, and dropped my attention to the phone in my free hand, I wondered if I should have told my mom about my “friends” online. God that sounds lame.
All my musings went silent as I saw the notice that there was a new message from Guardian17 in my inbox.
My heart skipped a beat as I hurried to open the message. I’d had a couple of glasses of wine with my Thanksgiving dinner and before I went to sleep, I’d been thinking about Guardian17 and how much I appreciated his messages, and had gone so far as to send a little note to him. I’d secretly wished that he’d reply, but hadn’t let myself hope for anything more than an equally generic message. My heart sputtered into a frantic pace when I saw that the message he’d sent back was anyth
ing but generic.
SunshineGirl
Happy Thanksgiving! I got your message and wanted you to know that I’m flattered and extremely glad that I could help. This forum is saving my life—or, at least, my sanity—these days and it’s nice to know I’m helping to contribute to others who have helped me as I enter this new mission of my life.
This is probably going to sound a little forward, but I’m taking the leap here, and wanted to say that you’ve stuck out to me since the beginning and that if you’re ever interested in talking outside of these message boards, I would like to get to know you better.
Here’s my phone number, feel free to call or text anytime you want.
206-555-5309
Lucas (Guardian17)
Lucas. I let his name melt into my mind.
It was perfect.
I read the message again from the top, letting it sink in that he was genuinely interested in me. I didn’t know if he just wanted someone to talk to, but the fact that he wanted to take it offline, and into the real world, seemed to be a sign that he wanted something more than what we’d already shared.
Something more personal.
Intimate.
My arms got goosebumps as I flicked out of the message and was met with his profile picture. He was so handsome, more than any guy that I’d ever dated before. In high school, I’d dated some of the “hottest guys in our grade” according to the general public, and while I’d agreed at the time, it wasn’t until after leaving high school and working in an industry that was swamped with beautiful people, did I realize how normal my classmates had been. As a dancer with a semi-pro sports team, I was constantly hit on by guys who were ridiculously good looking, rich, and powerful. Athletes, businessmen, artists. All kinds.
But Lucas topped the list. He was a perfect blend between classically handsome—with his chiseled features, piercing eyes, and strong jawline—and rugged. There was no way a guy like him couldn’t handle himself and some of that strength oozed from his pictures.
I glanced up from the phone. I’d been so lost in my own world, between the playlist in my ears and the handsome man on the screen, and the words of his message, that I’d gotten lost and forgotten I was in the middle of a public place, surrounded by people. No one was paying attention to me and I dropped my eyes back to the phone. I’d copied his number and pasted it into a new contact form and was left with a choice, my fingers hovering over the call button.
I wasn’t ballsy enough to call him, even though there was a part of me that desperately wanted to hear his voice.
In the end, I decided texting was much safer.
“Hi Lucas, this is SunshineGirl, aka Isla. Thanks for your message.”
I stopped, my thoughts scrambled as I agonized over what else to say. It was odd to know so much about the intimate details of another person’s life without ever having met them face to face. I was a breath away from deleting the entire thing, but one part of my brain commandeered the rest, and forced me to hit send.
It was lame, but it was farther than I’d waded into the dating pool in over four years.
As I stared at the sent message, I alternated between being terrified and excited.
I fished a book out of my purse and picked up where my butterfly shaped bookmark indicated I’d left off as I finished my coffee. When my phone buzzed, I yelped and nearly jumped out of my skin. I blushed, realizing I’d drawn the attention of half a dozen other patrons.
“Sorry,” I mouthed. When they all turned away, I flicked through to check my messages.
“Nice to meet you Isla. Can I just go on record and say this is a first time thing for me? I’m new to this whole internet thing.”
I smiled. “Me too,” I typed back.
“What are you up to? I’m still halfway in a turkey-coma over here.”
I stifled a laugh and drew my legs up underneath me, settling against the arm of the couch. “I’ve been up since sunrise and tackled my long overdue list of chores and errands. Treating myself to a coffee and listening to some tunes.”
“Sounds like you deserve it! I don’t remember the last time I went out to a coffee shop and just chilled. Even though the kids in my posse are older, it’s hard to find time alone. I swear, ninety percent of my time is spent as a taxi driver!”
I nodded. Even though Lily was young, I could relate. I spent way more time in my car than I wanted to, and up till this afternoon, it had shown it!
“Thanks for the peek into my future :)”
While Lucas typed a new message, I took another long sip of my coffee, and wondered if I should get a refill. I was more than content to sit and text with Lucas for another hour. I stood and pocketed the phone before walking up to the counter to order a second cup. As I was paying, my phone buzzed against my hip, and I wanted to roll my eyes at how my heart flipped somersaults in my chest.
Keep it together, there missy, I reminded myself.
I finished paying and went to wait on the refill, forcing myself to wait until I got back to my place on the couch before checking the message.
“Anytime! At least you’ll have the prep time. It’s a whole other thing to be thrown into the deep end, basically overnight.”
A wave of sadness washed away the smile on my face at the reminder of why Lucas was even a single parent. “I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pressure on top of your own grief process. How long ago was it that your mother passed away?”
“Thank you. It’s been almost six months now. Still feels like it was yesterday, but then there are other times where it feels like it’s been years. I’m still coming to terms with it all, I suppose.”
“I can’t imagine.”
“What about you? How long have you been a single mom?”
I frowned at the question. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to answer. But the question always dug up memories that I wished to keep buried. “Since the beginning.”
It wasn’t the most detailed of answers, but it made the point.
“I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, I think you’re a rockstar.”
I laughed and the tension in my chest broke free. “Thanks. Most days I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Even now, I’m at this place called Cuppa and feeling mommy guilt over getting a second cup and staying here for another half an hour, instead of going home.”
“Cuppa? Wait, I know that place!”
“You do?” Cuppa wasn’t a national chain coffee shop. I tended towards local places, especially when it came to coffee. I spun the cup in my hand and saw the three locations printed on the paper cup. Bellingham, Everett, and Snohomish.
“Yeah! Are you in Bellingham?”
“Everett.”
My mind spun with a whole new level of possibility. If Lucas was in Bellingham, that meant he was only an hour or so away.
“God, that’s so crazy! I’m in Bellingham. We’re practically neighbors.”
“Holy cow…that is crazy!”
“All right, it’s official now. I have to take you to dinner.”
The suddenness of his offer threw me for another loop and I sucked in a surprised gasp. My fingers froze over the virtual keyboard as I mentally cycled through possible responses. The irony of my conversation about my social life with my mom came back to me and I smiled.
With fluttering fingers, I typed back, “Okay. You got yourself a date.”
I hit send and stared at the screen, my smile spreading even wider. I was partially bewildered at the odd coincidence and also shocked by my boldness. In the past, whenever anyone asked me out, I bobbed and weaved like an elite boxer in the ring, but with Lucas, none of those instincts had kicked in.
I wanted to let go. God knew it was probably well past time.
Chapter Eight
Isla
“Breathe, Isla. Just remember to breathe.”
By six o’clock Sunday night, that confident girl at the coffee shop had vanished, and as I stood before my full length mirror, assessing my
outfit, I was fighting off the urge to call Lucas and cancel the entire date, claiming temporary insanity over accepting in the first place. The plans had come together before I’d even left the coffee shop and I’d floated through the next day without a moment of worry. But now that I was minutes away from leaving my house, the fear flooded back in and had knocked me on my ass.
“Knock, knock.” I turned to see my mom at the doorway of my room, her knuckles brushing the door frame. “Oh, honey, you look beautiful!”
“Thanks, Mom.” I spun back to give my reflection one more long look. In the end, Lucas had refused to make me drive for our date, and insisted that he come meet me in Everett. I’d suggested a local seafood restaurant that was nice, but not too upscale or fancy. I’d decided on a jersey knit dress that was long and flowy. I wanted Lucas to think I looked nice, but didn’t want to go full on sex appeal.
Not for a first date at least.
I was nervous enough about meeting him. I didn’t need the added stress of wondering if my boobs were about to pop out the top of my dress like champagne corks.
“So, tell me again, where is it that you’re going?”
I sighed and turned my back on the mirror, fluffing my hair one more time as I faced my mom. “I’m going on a date—” I held up a hand to stop her excitement, “—that’s all I’m saying about it right now. If it goes well, I’ll tell you more. Okay?”
She nodded but couldn’t dial back her giddy joy as she ran over and hugged me. “Oh, sweetie, I’m so happy for you,” she breathed into my hair.
“Thanks, Mom.”
We parted and Lily came running into the room. She was clutching her favorite doll, Lexi, and babbling something to her but she stopped in her tracks when she spotted me. “Mama, you’re a princess!”
The life of a mom. When you throw on something other than sweats and you’re transformed into a princess.
I laughed and squatted down to get at eye level. “Thanks Lily. You gonna be a good girl for Gram and Pop?”
