by Anne R. Tan
Raina stared at her grandma in confusion. Did she hit her head? “Huh?”
“I can see up your baggy shorts. The ones you’re wearing would be classified as granny panties. I don’t even wear underwear with that much coverage.”
Raina burst out laughing. It was either that or cry. Her grandma was making an effort to regain her equilibrium and Raina wasn’t going to spoil it for her. “TMI! I have to burn my ears. I don't need to hear things like this.”
Her grandma gave her a wobbly grin. A shadow fell across her face. The weight of the door eased off of Raina's shoulder blades. She glanced up and relief flooded through her. Her legs threatened to collapse at the concern on the stranger’s face.
A man held the door open. The sunlight glinted off his bald head like a halo. “You folks okay?”
Raina sucked in a breath of dust. Her body coughed and didn’t stop until tears streamed down her face. She waved at the concern on the stranger’s face. “I’m okay.”
“Grab my hand,” the man said.
“Close your eyes, Po Po,” Raina said.
The man pulled while Raina scrambled on the seat, stirring up white dust. He turned to help Po Po.
Raina walked around to inspect the front of her car. Where there was once a new tire on the passenger side was now a gaping hole. She shivered. New tires didn’t blow off by themselves.
* * *
THE NEXT FEW hours were a blur. Officer Hopper arrived on the scene at the same time as Bob’s tow truck. For once, Officer Hopper took Raina’s statement without any passive aggressive snide comments. Half an hour later, Raina and Po Po rode squashed together in the cab of the tow truck.
Bob dropped them off at the hospital on the edge of town. After they were inspected and bandaged, Raina called Eden for a ride home. She was too shaken to think after her surge of adrenaline wore off. The only thing she remembered during the short drive home was her grandma’s trembling hand and wan face.
Raina fell into a deep sleep until a loud argument outside her apartment woke her. Eden's voice was angry and Matthew's was sarcastic. She swung her legs off the bed, careful not to wake her grandma, and closed the bedroom door. Her koi clock showed nine. They’d slept through dinner.
She opened her front door and diffused light spilled onto the pair and exaggerated the scowls on their faces. Stepping outside, she closed the door, plunging them into darkness. “Can you two be any louder? If you wake my grandma, I'm going to have to break your knees.”
Eden gave her a sheepish look. “Your detective here can come back tomorrow to get your statement. You need your rest.”
Matthew glared at Eden. “Your friend here needs to mind her own business.”
“Raina is my best friend.”
“I'm family,” Matthew said.
Eden jutted her chin and rested a hand on her cocked hip. “Uh-huh. I'm more family than you. You haven't been part of her life in years.”
“She’s my wife.”
Raina raised both hands in the air. “Stop.” She pointed at him. “Our marriage got annulled. You have no claim on me.” She gave Eden a hug, ignoring the questioning look. “Thanks for looking out for me, but I think I can take it from here. I'm sorry about dinner. We'll catch up tomorrow?”
Eden nodded and said goodnight. She threw another glare at Matthew and crossed the courtyard to go back to her apartment.
Matthew closed the distance between them and drew her close. He studied her face, sucking in a breath. His finger grazed the cut on the side of her face. “Poor Rainy. It's been a bad week for you.”
The dim moonlight gave Matthew carry-on-sized eye bags. Did some of the load come from her? “I’ve had worse.”
“Too bad I can't tie you up until I solve this case.”
She cocked her head and studied him. “What are you doing here? And cut the bull about the statement.”
“I want to make sure you’re okay.”
She tucked her chin under his head. “I can’t do this anymore.”
His heartbeat was slow and steady. Steady and reliable, unlike the person she held in her arms.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered into her hair.
Tears sprang to her eyes and dampened his shirt. He was toxic. Raina had never given any relationship a fighting chance because she had her ears glued to the floor, waiting for his footsteps.
“As my mom loves to tell me, my eggs are shriveling into dried husks. I don't want a family right away, but I do want a man who would stick around to start one later.”
Matthew stiffened. “I can't.”
Raina stepped back into the shadow. “I need to get you out of my system.” For the first time, she saw the truth in her words. She'd told herself this several times over the years, but she never acted on them. There was only one way to make him stay away from her. She was too weak to stay away herself. It was the only way.
“I told Holden I was pregnant.” Her voice sounded hollow to her own ears. “I wanted him to marry me.”
Matthew’s jaw tightened. “I see.”
She gulped air and stepped back. Her heart became a dead weight around her chest. “I need to sleep. Good-bye, Matthew.”
“Wait. Here.” He handed her a set of keys. “Use my car until you get yours fixed.” He kissed her on the forehead. “Good night, Rainy. Take care of yourself.”
Raina went into the house and closed the door. Her fingers tightened around the keys. She’d said good-bye. Her chest ached at the suppressed wailing she wanted to do, but she didn't dare let it out. Instead, she kept blinking renegade tears and telling herself she was having a delayed reaction to the car accident.
23
TRADING SECRETS
Raina shuffled to the shower the next morning. Warm water sluiced down her body and mixed with the warm tears sliding down her face. The fear she’d felt when the car careened into the ditch. The heartache that hung like a noose around her neck. By the time she wiped a circle on her steamed mirror, she was ready to face the day even if her grainy eyes and stuffy nose gave away her restless night. Other than a few bruises, she and her grandma survived to tell another tale.
Someone had murdered Holden and had her marked as the next target. She didn’t believe for a second it was an accident that her front passenger tire blew off or the white SUV knocked off her side mirror.
Was the car accident meant to be a warning? Raina snorted. Obviously, the killer didn’t know her if they assumed she’d cave to scare tactics.
She stumbled to the kitchen to start the coffee machine, staring out the window as she waited. The steel gray sky matched her lousy mood. The heat wave must have broken last night while she’d tossed and turned. If only she could hide in her apartment and stream endless episodes of the Big Bang Theory. Of course, she didn’t have this luxury, not with a million and one details to take care of after a car accident.
By the time Po Po woke, Raina had finished her breakfast and nursed her second cup of coffee. Her grandma grimaced when she lowered herself into the chair.
“Do you need another dose of Tylenol?” Raina prepared tea and toast. Her grandma was not a big breakfast eater.
“I only ache like this when I dance on the tables and swing from the rafters. What I need is an elephant tranquilizer in my butt.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re supposed to laugh. Stop taking me down with you.”
Raina snorted. After yesterday? “I want a time machine for my birthday.”
Po Po clapped her hands. “Done!”
Raina pretended to check under the table. “Come out, little time machine. I want to go back to high school.” As soon as the words left her mouth, her playful mood evaporated. Her life had derailed in her teens after her father’s death. She sighed. “It can’t be healthy for me to hang onto this notion of happily ever after with my high school sweetheart.”
Po Po’s face softened. “The two of you are different people now. Even if you get a second shot with the same person, t
he relationship would be different.”
Raina had given Matthew more chances than he deserved. “There won’t be another chance. I’m done.”
She waited until her grandma finished her first slice of toast. “Po Po, you should go home. I can’t seem to be able to take care of you. Mom is going to flip when she finds out about the car accident.”
“I’m not going home and I never asked you to take care of me.” Po Po stuck out her lower lip. “I’m tired of the city and… living with your mom.”
Raina’s eyebrows shot up.
“I’m sick of her coddling me like I’m a toothless baby. I may be old, but I’m not dead yet. I even have some of my original teeth.” She pulled her lips back to show them off. “It’s going to get worse when she becomes an empty nester. This is what happens when you don’t develop a life away from your children. She should have gone back to work years ago, but your Ah Gong thought it was important for a single mom to compensate for the other parent. That’s a man for you. Spent his entire life growing his business outside the home, but an expert in childcare.”
“It’ll be nice to have you close. Do you want to live in a house or an apartment?” Raina smiled. “I love you, Po Po, but you hog the covers. So we’ll need a place with at least two bedrooms.”
Her grandma looked at her for a long moment. “Honey, thank you, but I’m not moving in with you. I’m closing next week on the unit down the hall from Maggie.”
Raina bit her lower lip at a flash of disappointment. So this was what her grandma had been doing for the last week when she disappeared. She didn’t realize she’d hate returning home to an empty apartment until Po Po showed up. Having a conversation with someone at the dinner table was much nicer than staring at her nails while she shoved food into her mouth.
“Besides, what kind of action would you get with a sixty-year-old hanging around you? But you better make a point to cook for me a few times a week though. I get lost in that gap between the fridge and stove. It’s like the Grand Canyon. And Maggie might get sick of feeding me the table scraps.”
Raina forced herself to laugh. “Geez, are you going to be fifty-five years old next week?”
Po Po wiggled her fingers. “Actually the time machine might take me back to my twenties.”
Raina held her grandma’s gaze. The air between them changed. The smile slipped off her grandma’s face. Without knowing why, she knew they were both thinking of her grandfather. Po Po had met her future husband in her early twenties. Raina’s heart skipped a beat at the silence. She held her breath, afraid, and yet resigned.
Po Po’s face grew tight and expressionless. “Did you know about your grandfather’s other family in China?”
Raina gasped in surprise at the direct question. She’d thought it’d take them a while to get straight to the point. “Uh…I…”
She’d dreamt of confessing her family’s skeleton for the past year. She’d dreamt of her relief, but not like this. Her grandma’s pain-filled eyes and choked voice tightened the knot on her chest.
“His son”—Po Po took a deep breath—“he called a couple weeks ago, demanding to know why his mother hasn’t been getting her monthly allowance.”
Raina fumbled to say something. This was all her fault. She should have continued with the payments even though the inherited money had been tied up in the lawsuit from her cousins. She should have called the other woman to explain.
Her throat choked on a lump. “I’m sorry,” she finally whispered. Tears filled her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
Po Po nodded. “The money he left you?”
Raina studied her hands and shook at the chill in the air. For a moment, she wished she’d gotten more seriously hurt from yesterday’s accident so she wouldn’t be here to have this conversation.
What could she possibly say to minimize the damage of Ah Gong’s infidelity? An infidelity that lasted her grandparents’ entire marriage? Did she owe any loyalty to a man with two faces? For the first time, she hated her grandfather.
Raina sneaked a glance at her grandma, who sobbed into her crumpled napkin. Her heart ached. No, she didn’t owe any loyalty to a man who would do this to his family. He didn’t have any right to expect her to keep maintaining his other family after his death. And she shouldn’t have taken on his skeleton. He should have talked to his wife while he had a chance to explain.
“I wanted to help during his fight with lung cancer. How was I to know my hurried promise was a life sentence?” Tears ran down her face. “I thought if I ignored it long enough, it would disappear.”
Po Po straightened and dabbed at her tears. “He had no right to place this burden on you. I could kill him right now.”
“I’d give anything for you to never find out. I would have done anything to keep you from this pain.”
“What are we going to do about this other family? They won’t just stop asking for money.”
Raina’s hand tightened around her mug. How dare the other family destroy her grandma’s peace! Especially since she’d given up hers to ensure the rest of the family could sleep soundly at night. “We’ll deal with it later. It’s not like they’re knocking on my front door right now.” She’d have to contact the other family in the near future. If nothing else, she could become the buffer for her grandma.
After breakfast Po Po left for her exercise class at the Senior Center, but Raina suspected it was to hold court over her narrow escape from a car ramming. Things tended to sound larger than life when they came from her grandma’s mouth.
Raina lingered in the apartment in her pajamas. She’d always thought once Ah Gong’s secret was out she’d feel lighter and happier. Instead, there was an overwhelming sense of sadness and... anger? Yes, anger.
Her grandfather had been a family man and well respected in the community. This secret tarnished more than her fond memories of him. It’d changed her entire perspective of happily ever after. Her grandparents had been married for fifty years. He’d said he was protecting his family, but he didn’t explain what those words had meant at the time of his death.
A part of her had secretly hoped there was an explanation. This morning hope had shriveled into a hard ball that smashed her heart, reminding her yet again, how she always had too much faith in those she loved to do the right thing.
The beep of an incoming text message distracted her from further morose thoughts. Raina trudged to the counter to get her cell phone. She did a double take at the time on the display. Did she really spend the last two hours woolgathering?
STILL NEED THOSE COOKIES FOR MY POSSE’S TOP SECRET MEETING. WILL PICK THEM UP AFTER LUNCH.
Raina smiled for the first time since the accident. Po Po was going to be all right. The resilient old bird had cried her river and was ready to take on the rest of her life. She could learn so much from grandma.
* * *
RAINA TEXTED Eden and invited her to lunch and made four dozen cookies: oatmeal cranberry and peanut butter pumpkin. While the cookies were cooling on the counter, she dug Holden’s tablet from the pile of worn gym socks under her back closet. She’d forgotten why she once thought it was a good idea to save the orphan socks, but the holes and questionable dark stains served as a good deterrent from thieves.
Her heartbeat sounded loud in the quiet bedroom. She sank into the threadbare carpet and tapped in her birth date to unlock the touch screen of the tablet. It had been three days since she figured out the unlock code, but between the drama in her life and her hesitation at this breach in privacy, she hadn’t given herself a quiet moment to dig into the content. Her finger flipped through the screens and her eyes scanned the icons of the apps installed in the machine.
On the third screen, she froze. A daily journal app. Would she get the closure she craved in here? She took a deep breath and brushed a curl off her face.
A window popped up asking for a password. She tapped in her birthday. No dice. She tried Holden’s birthday. Still nothing.
Raina closed her ey
es, trying to recall the birthday on the paternity report. His son’s birth date had caught her eye because it was a few days earlier than Po Po’s. Two days earlier? She tapped in zero eight one five. Nope. Three days earlier? Zero eight one four. Bingo.
A blank entry page popped up. Raina hit the icon in the top left corner. A calendar appeared with a star under each day, probably indicating an entry. She opened the last entry, which happened to be the day she’d told him she was pregnant. Her hand shook when she tapped on the screen.
I’M GOING TO BE A DAD. THIS TIME IT’LL ACTUALLY BE MY SON. MAYBE I’M NOT MEANT TO LET RAINY GO.
Raina closed her eyes and escaped from the entry. She wasn’t ready to read this. Not yet. She randomly selected another entry.
I NEED TO STOP ENABLING NATALIE. I’M LETTING HER RUIN EVERYTHING. NOW I HAVE THUGS FOLLOWING ME AROUND, PULLING ME INTO DARK CORNERS FOR A CHAT ABOUT PAYMENT. THIS ISN’T THE LIFE I SIGNED UP FOR.
Did Holden break things off with her because his life was unraveling? Would Raina stoop to blackmailing in a similar situation for one of her siblings? She shook her head. No, she wasn’t an enabler.
But hadn’t she enabled Matthew by letting him dictate the terms of their relationship? If Eden knew the extent of her non-relationship with Matthew, she’d say Raina was just his booty call. Even her mother had made disparaging remarks about her eggs shriveling into oblivion while she waited for him to stop saving the world.
If her feelings had been one-sided, then she could talk herself out of the leftovers he dished out to her. But they weren’t, and that was the problem. Every time they’d gotten together in the last decade it was like the clash of Titans. All naked flesh, blood, and tears. It’d always been exhilarating and life had seemed dull afterwards.
A knock on her front door jerked Raina out of her thoughts. For the first time she regretted making plans with Eden. Her emotions were too raw and unsteady for company.
