That seems to do the trick. Reed stands, looking exhausted, and follows his brother. “Make sure he gets some food in him,” I mutter as Cash passes.
I collapse into a chair, rubbing a hand over my face, wondering how we’re going to get him through this. From my reading I know it could be days before we know anything concrete. Weeks, for some people. I’m not entirely sure he’ll be able to make it through the next few hours. I’ve never seen Reed like this, and it scares me. I knew he loved Paige, that’s pretty obvious to anyone who sees him with her. But I don’t think I’d been fully aware of how deep it went, how much she really means to him. That losing her could break him.
“Hey.”
I look up to see Lennon taking the seat next to me and I manage a weak smile. “You must be wrecked. All that flying.”
He shrugs. “I slept a little on the first flight.” His eyes go to the door where Reed and Cash had just disappeared. “I’m not nearly as tired as he is.”
“Fear like that is exhausting.”
Lennon meets my gaze. “You would know.” I shudder a little, wanting, suddenly, to grab hold of him. “It’s probably hard for you, being back at this hospital.”
I try a smile but I’m pretty sure it comes out as a grimace. He’s right, of course. Being back here, the hospital where they brought Lennon all those years ago, is awful. There’s a weight on my chest that has little to do with Reed and what he’s dealing with.
“Bad luck, huh?” I manage.
Lennon is quiet for a long moment. “You know I’m okay, right Dad?”
I start to respond, to tell him sure, to agree that he’s fine, but now there’s a lump in my throat and I can’t speak. “I am,” he continues. “It’s not always easy, but I’m doing good.”
You’ve been good before, I think. And it didn’t last.
“I should never have asked you not to tell them,” he says, his voice softer. “It was really hard when they found out but…it was good. Good for me. They help, you know?”
I nod, swallowing. “Tell Reed that sometime, will you?”
He looks surprised. “I’m sure he knows.”
I let out a weak laugh. “Do you have any idea how many problems in this family have been caused by thinking like that?”
“What do—”
“You were right, Len. None of us talk enough. Or, at least, we didn’t. And it doesn’t work very well.” I grip his shoulder, squeezing until he looks up at me. “So don’t do that. Don’t ever assume that someone knows how you feel. Life is too short.”
He nods, his eyes wide.
“I love you,” I go on, thinking of Ruby with a sharp pang. What had she said, that first night I heard her sing? If you have to think about it that hard, you’re not saying it nearly enough. “I love all of you. I should have said it more.”
“We knew it, Dad.”
“Still should have said it more.”
His eyes soften, filled with understanding. “I love you too.”
I squeeze his shoulder once more before I let go. “Why don’t you go down to the cafeteria and see how your brothers are doing? And get us all some bagels or something. Karen looks dead on her feet.”
“You don’t look so hot yourself,” he points out.
I snort. “Yeah, well. It’s been a pretty bad night.”
It’s beyond an understatement. There’s nothing in the world worse than watching your kid in pain. Reed looks marginally better when he comes back with Cash a few minutes later, but his eyes are still dark and haunted and they don’t lose that look for hours, not until the doctor finally comes out with more news late in the afternoon.
“So far we’re looking at a very lucky young lady.”
I feel Reed sway beside me and I reach out to steady him, Cash doing the same on his other side. Karen has an arm around Paige’s mother, who seems just as unsteady on her feet.
“We’re not out of the woods yet,” the doctor continues. “But she’s responding well to the antibiotics. We’ve managed to keep her hydrated and we’re not seeing any circulation issues. Her kidney function is good and her blood pressure is strong. Those are all good signs at this point.”
“Can I see her?” Reed asks.
“We’d like to wait until she’s been on the antibiotics for twenty-four hours,” he says. “But I can let you look in through the window for a minute.”
Reed, Karen, and Nancy follow the doctor out of the waiting room, leaving the rest of us in silence.
“Shit,” Cash finally says, rubbing a hand over his face. “This is intense.”
“I know it’s too soon to feel relieved,” Daisy says. “But I do. I really think she’s going to be okay.”
“She will,” Daltrey agrees, rubbing her back.
“I think this would be a good time for you guys to head home.” I hold up my hands at their outraged expressions. “You heard the doctor—this is going to be a long road. We all need to be rested so we can be here for Reed and Karen.” Cash and Lennon both have their arms crossed, their expressions mutinous. I turn to Daltrey. “Take Daisy home. Rest a little. See Rose.”
“What about Reed?” he asks. “I don’t want to leave him.”
“Reed needs to sleep, too. More than anyone. And maybe that will be easier for him if there aren’t so many people here.” When he still looks unsure, I hold out my hands. “I’ll be here. The rest of you can take turns coming back up.”
“Okay,” Cash says, nodding. “Whatever you think is best, Dad.”
I suck in a deep breath, surprised by how much I need to hear those words. “I’ll call if anything changes.”
They start to file past but I stop them, pulling Cash into a hug. He hugs me back, tight, wiping his eyes when I finally release him. I do the same to Lennon, then Daisy, and finally Daltrey.
“She’s going to be okay,” I tell them, looking from face to face, all of them pale. Scared. “So is Reed.”
They nod, Daisy openly crying, and I hug them again, as a group this time. Just because I can.
* * *
I want to call Ruby a lot over that first day. Hell, I want her to be here. Want to feel her steady hand on mine, her gentle breath against my skin. I didn’t realize just how calm she makes me until I was faced with the prospect of losing her.
I wait until Reed finally falls asleep for the first time, sitting up in a chair in the private room the hospital arranged for us after those first few awful hours in the waiting room. I’m surprised he holds out so long before crashing—the strain of fear and waiting caught up to him hours ago. But adrenaline is a powerful thing, and it keeps him going long after his brothers leave and Karen and Nancy succumb to sleep.
Once I’m sure he’s really out, I grab my phone, checking the time. Just after midnight. She’s probably still at the bar. I hold my breath as I press her contact.
It rings and rings before going to voicemail and I curse softly before pressing call again. Once again to voicemail. I tell myself she’s busy with work and not ignoring me. I don’t really believe it. This time I dial the number for the bar and breathe a sigh of relief when I hear her voice.
“Ruby.”
She’s quiet for a long moment. “Hey.”
Suddenly I realize I have no idea what to say to her. I don’t know if we’re still together, if she even wants to hear from me. But this thing that’s happening here, happening to my family, is way too big for me to not tell her. I need her to know, need her to be thinking about me, thinking about my boys. I need her.
“Reed called me after you left.”
She sucks in a breath. “He did?”
So I tell her everything, about Paige’s illness and how scared he is. How scared I am at the possibility of my son’s heart breaking in such a devastating, monumental way. And I tell her how powerless I feel, unable to take this away for him.
She listens quietly, the way she always does, letting me get it all out before she speaks. “Will, I’m so sorry.”
I rest
my forehead against the wall, swallowing. “I know we’re not in a great place,” I tell her, and my breath catches. “But I just…I couldn’t not tell you.”
“I understand,” she says softly. “Can I do anything?”
I want to beg her to come up here, to come hold my hand, to make this ache in my chest go away. But I know that’s not fair. She was right about me not letting her in—it would be selfish to ask her to come into this most painful family moment when I kept her out for so long, just because I’m scared.
“Just think good thoughts,” I tell her, my shoulders slumping in exhaustion. “Just…think about us.” Think about me. Don’t give up on me, not yet.
She laughs a little. “Will, I always think about you.”
A swell of hope blooms in my chest. Maybe I haven’t completely ruined it yet.
“Thanks.”
She’s quiet for a moment and then her next words come out in a rush. “You’re a stronger family than you think, Will. You all love each other. No matter what’s happened before, you’re all there now, you know? There for each other. That’s all that matters.”
I think about what she said the previous night, about how I twisted myself up all these years trying to make it up to the boys, the things they had lost when Rebecca left. She was absolutely right, and it’s crazy that she knew it, that she knows me so well already. My whole life I’ve felt like I wasn’t enough for my kids, like I’d let them down. Like the only way I could fix it was to make them successful, to make them Ransom. But maybe that’s not what they need at all. Maybe it’s enough just to be here, like Ruby said.
I think about Reed, about how strong my son is. Sitting in the waiting room, hour after hour, willing Paige to get better. And that’s not even the real measure of his strength—he opened up to her, he took that chance, let her in. He let himself fall in love when everything in his life before her had taught him that love doesn’t work out, that love only hurts you. He’d done something I’d never been able to—he let his walls down. He chose to not be afraid. God, he’s so much braver than me.
And I want to be like him.
“I love you, Ruby,” I say, closing my eyes. “I know this isn’t the best way to tell you, but fuck. Life’s too short.” And I’m tired of hiding.
She doesn’t say anything for a long moment and I wait for the fear to rush in, the certainty that I said the wrong thing, that I’m about to be crushed by her rejection. That I’m about to be hurt. But the fear doesn’t come. I realize that I’ll feel okay, whether she responds or not. Because the point in saying those words isn’t to hear it back. The point is just to tell the truth.
“It’s okay,” I tell her, straightening. “You don’t have to say anything. Thank you for listening.”
“Will—”
“No, really. I appreciate it.” I clear my throat. “I hope we can talk soon.”
“You’ll keep me updated?” she asks, her voice unsteady.
“I will.” I don’t want to hang up. I want to ask her to keep talking, to tell me about her day, her customers. I don’t give a damn what she talks about, I just want to hear her voice. But I see Reed stirring on the other side of the room and I know I’m out of time.
“Have a good night, Ruby.”
“I’ll be thinking of you, Will.”
And I suppose that’s good enough. I suppose it will have to be.
* * *
I send Ruby occasional updates over the next few days and she sends proof that she is in fact thinking of us—she sends food. Burgers and fries and sandwiches arrive at least once a day. I don’t tell the boys where they come from, but from the way Levi raises his eyebrows at me, I think he knows.
As the days pass and Paige slowly improves, my thoughts start to shift from Ruby to another woman. I have the strangest urge to call Rebecca and no matter how many times I tell myself it’s insane, I can’t seem to shake it.
I’m close to actually following through late in the afternoon of the fifth day, when I look up to see Reed entering the room. “Hey.” I set the phone back on the table, glad he hadn’t caught me talking to her. How in the hell would I have explained that? Instead I focus on him. “Any change?”
He collapses into the chair across from me, yawning. “She’s still pretty out of it. But she said a few words. Seemed to know who I was.”
“That’s got to be a good sign.”
He nods, rubbing his hands roughly over his face. “Yeah. The doctors are still saying we can’t be sure about any damage until she’s more awake. But it’s looking hopeful so far.”
“Probably a good time for you to head home, then, huh? Get a little rest?”
He just looks at me, not dignifying the comment with a response. Reed hasn’t left the hospital once. The staff set us up with this room so we don’t have to spend all of our time out in the waiting area where people might recognize the boys. It’s still pretty cramped, especially when everyone is here, but at least he has a private place to sleep when he can.
Reed’s eyes flick down to my phone and the corners of his mouth tug up a little. “You were staring pretty hard at that phone. Thinking about calling Ruby?”
I look at him for a long moment before shaking my head. “Your brother has a damn big mouth.”
Reed laughs and relief rushes through me—he’s laughing—even as I scowl at him.
“You act like that’s new information,” he says.
“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”
“No, you shouldn’t.” He looks at my phone again. “If you want some privacy to talk to your girlfriend—”
“I wasn’t calling Ruby.” I’m still scowling at him but inside I feel lighter than I have in days. I never would have imagined that it would feel so good to be teased by one of my kids.
“The label?” he asks, looking even more tired than he did before. The band postponed two shows earlier in the week, but the suits are pushing them to be back on stage this weekend. We’ve been trying to decide if we want to fight them on it or if it would be better to bring in a replacement drummer for a few shows and let the other boys get back to work.
I watch Reed across the table. I know if I tell him the truth about the almost-phone call, it might ruin this easy moment between us. But keeping things from him hasn’t done me much good, so I take a deep breath.
“I was actually thinking about calling your mom.”
Just like I expected, his entire body tenses up, his eyes growing wide and fearful. “Mom? Why?”
I shrug. “I thought maybe she should know about some of this.”
He stares at me like he doesn’t recognize me. “Why?”
I pick up the phone, twirling it between my fingers, needing something to fidget with. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately about mistakes I’ve made. Things I should have done differently.” I sigh. “I don’t know, Reed. Maybe it would have been better for you boys if I would have left a door open for her, you know? Given her a chance to be in your lives.”
“What were you supposed to do?” he asks, voice sharp. I think I can hear a hint of doubt there. A hint of accusation. “You said she wouldn’t get help.”
“That’s true.” His face relaxes a little, like he’d been afraid I was about to tell him that too had been a lie. “But eventually she got herself figured out. And by then I hadn’t really given her any indication that contact might have been welcome.”
“Because it wouldn’t have been.” He sounds angry now. “She could have reached out to us, Dad. We moved back to your home town—we weren’t exactly hiding.” His expression is pained as he shakes his head. “She obviously didn’t want to find us.”
“I don’t know if that’s true, Reed. Maybe she just didn’t know how to bridge that gap, after so much time had passed. After there’d been so much pain.”
He looks down at the table, breathing heavy, quiet for a long moment. “I’ve been thinking about her a lot, since Lennon told us…”
His voice sounds shamed, and i
t sends a throb of hurt through me, hurt for him, that this is so hard. “Sounds like a normal reaction.”
“I think…I think I remember her more than the others do.”
His head is down and I can’t see his face. “Makes sense. You were older.”
He releases a ragged breath. “Sometimes I dream about her. Not like, how she was when we were kids. But…” he’s stammering, uncomfortable. “How she would be now. What that would be like.” He finally looks up at me and the fear I see in his eyes has my heart constricting. “To see her now.”
I choose my words carefully, not sure how he’ll react. “You could do that, Reed. Go and see her.”
His eyes widen. “I would never do that to you.”
The constricting feeling gets tighter and I wonder what I could have done to deserve a kid like this. “You wouldn’t be doing anything to me, Son.”
“It would feel like…like betraying you. I couldn’t…” He shakes his head, eyes flicking around the room like he’s scared to focus on any one thing. “No. I don’t want to see her.”
“Look at me, Reed.” I wait until his eyes meet mine. “You wouldn’t be betraying me. You wouldn’t be betraying your brothers. And it doesn’t mean that you have to forgive her.”
“What would be the point?” he whispers.
I shrug. “There doesn’t have to be a point. It doesn’t have to be some big revelation. Maybe it would help you figure out how you feel about things. Maybe it would give you closure. Maybe you just want to know what it would be like to see her. All of those are reason enough.”
“It sounds like you’re trying to convince me.”
“I’m not. I just want you to know that it’s your choice. I’ll support whatever you decide.”
He swallows once, then again. “If I…If I did go…” He clears his throat. “Would you come with me?”
I’ve spent most of the last eighteen years feeling little more than anger towards Rebecca. But in this moment, I can only feel sorry for her. Because she missed out on knowing this kid—this man—who has grown up to be so good. So brave and loyal and loving. The years had been hard, trying to raise these boys, not knowing what I was doing, always feeling like I was messing it up. But I know I had been the lucky one. Because I had been there. And I still get to be.
The Ransome Brothers Page 29
