by C. A. Harms
Hearing about the amazing ride Trevor was on wasn’t easy. He was living my fucking dream, and I was jealous. I knew he didn’t call to gloat. He was the most humble, generous guy I’d met while at UA, and I knew he’d only wanted to invite his friends to reconnect over the thing we all loved most.
But his call just reminded me of what I’d lost; how close I was to the big time before that dream was taken from me. Instead I was back in Alvord doing what I said I’d never do: working a nine-to-five job and living from paycheck to paycheck.
And now I couldn’t shake this funk.
I’d planned to spend my evening laughing with Madelyn before I fell asleep with her in my arms. Only now, an ugly cloud was hanging over me, and my mood was complete shit.
“I think I’m gonna head home.”
I placed the leftover pizza in the fridge and turned to find Maddy standing near the door, holding her bag.
“I thought you were staying over?” I didn’t move toward her, even though I wanted to.
“I think we can safely say tonight didn’t go as planned,” she said with a forced smile and a shrug. “You’ve got some things to sort out in your mind that obviously I can’t help you with, and I’m tired, Luke.”
“There’s a bed in the other room,” I told her, knowing that wasn’t what she needed to hear. “I think you should stay,” I added, still searching for the right thing to say.
“I think I should go.” With her keys in her hand, she turned and opened the front door. “I don’t know what’s going on or why you’re in this mood,” she said with her back facing me. “But since you’ve been back here, I’ve never seen you wearing an expression like that. You’re sad, Luke. Regretful maybe. Hell, I don’t know. I just know that whatever it is, you need to work through it, and me being here only seems to make it worse.”
She pushed open the door and stepped outside. The sound of my screen door slapping against the doorframe didn’t even faze me. I wanted to run after her and beg her to stay, but she was right. I had to sort through this, because my mood was causing tension between her and me.
She wasn’t to blame, though. This life was what I had now, and I had to accept it.
***
I woke up the next morning feeling a little better. That jealous ache was still there, but I was coming to terms with it. I’d made the decision before crawling into bed last night that I would, in fact, go to Arizona to meet the guys. I couldn’t avoid my friends and their success forever, and facing it head-on may help me accept my life for what it was now.
Or it could make it worse. But that was a chance I had to take.
I climbed out of bed and found my phone on the kitchen island where I’d left it after texting Trevor last night. I opened up my messages and typed one out to Madelyn.
Me: Sorry about my mood. Let me make it up to you. Tonight, dinner, movie, and I promise to smile.
I hit Send, knowing that she probably wouldn’t respond right away because she was in class. So I was surprised when the phone vibrated seconds later. As I read the screen, I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach.
Madelyn: I refuse to be anyone’s second choice.
My hand shook as I dialed her number and lifted the phone to my ear. After the third ring, it went to voice mail and I hung up and dialed again.
“Answer the phone,” I snarled, as if she could actually hear me.
She picked up just before it went to voice mail a second time. “I’ve got a headache and I’m trying to sleep it off.”
The sadness in her voice made me panic even more. “Why do you have a headache?” I asked, knowing I should be talking about my mood last night and how it had nothing to do with her and I, but my concern for her trumped everything else.
“I didn’t sleep very well and…I just couldn’t sleep.”
“Because of me?” I already knew the answer even if she refused to admit it.
“Because of me,” she corrected. “I allowed myself to get wrapped up with you when I should have listened to my heart.”
“Maddy.” I sat on the couch and leaned forward, trying to find the right words.
“I know you’ll never be happy here,” she whispered, and I could picture her face now. When she was upset, she always got this lost look in her eyes. I hated that look. “You need to find happiness, Luke. Find the place you belong. I won’t be the one holding you back.”
“Where is this coming from?” I asked, even though I knew I was responsible for her doubt.
“I think I’ve known all along that you’d one day realize you needed more,” she confessed. “I guess I just hoped for a little more time before you did.”
My head was spinning and my heart was racing. The tightness in my chest rose into my throat and made it almost impossible to breathe evenly.
“Madelyn, last night had nothing to do with us.” She was all I needed to be happy. Yes, if I had her and football, it would be the perfect combination, but football was no longer in the cards for me. “It was just hard to hear about Trevor and his accomplishments, but never for a moment did hearing his excitement make me regret being with you.”
I could hear her breathing on the other end of the line, but she remained quiet.
“I always knew it would be hard to face the guys after they all went off to live their dreams, but I didn’t realize until one of them called me up just how hard that would be. I handled it all wrong, I know that.” She still didn’t speak. “Can I see you so maybe we can talk through this?”
“I think you need to take some time,” she insisted.
“I don’t need time to know I want you,” I said matter-of-factly. “I wanna see you.”
“I’m gonna lie back down and try to get rid of this headache. We’ll talk later.”
I wanted to tell her that no, we’d talk now. I wanted to tell her that she could fucking push me away all she wanted, but I wasn’t going anywhere. Instead I agreed, because demands would get me nowhere with Madelyn. So for now I’d give her time, but come hell or high water, she and I would be finishing this conversation before the sun went down tonight. Even if that meant I had to camp out on her front doorstep until she agreed to hear me out.
I busied myself around my apartment, doing my best to occupy my time. I failed, though, because nothing would take my mind off Maddy or soothe this deep ache in my chest. She was the only fix.
I found myself sitting on the bottom step of her apartment less than two hours after our conversation, running through the things I wanted to say. More than once I started to climb the stairs only sit back down to give her just a little more time.
I looked up at the sound of a car door slamming and found Shannon walking toward me, squinting against the sun.
“Hey there, handsome,” she hollered out as she approached. “You going with us to the movies? Sorta like a Lukie sandwich. Now I wouldn’t mind that one bit.”
“The movies?” I asked as I stood when she stopped at the end of the sidewalk.
“Yeah, they got that new one out with Dwayne Johnson. That man is yummy. Intense, but heavenly,” She swayed her hips and smiled wide. “The idea of seeing him in a pair of swim trunks hanging low on his hips with water glistening all over his body does things to me that I shouldn’t discuss with you.”
“Does Jeb know about your fascination with this guy?” I asked.
“Uh, yes.” She waved her hand nonchalantly. “On most nights I call out Dwayne instead of Jeb.” She laughed when I gave her a disbelieving look. “Okay fine, I don’t yell it out, but I do whisper it in my mind.”
Shannon giggled as she passed me and walked up the stairs. That woman was a pistol for sure.
“You coming?” she called as she reached the landing. I took that as an invite, though I was sure Madelyn would have reservations about it.
Ask me if I cared.
“Darlin’, I’m here,” Shannon announced as she pushed open the front door and walked into the apartment like it was her own. “Are you going like that?”
I wasn’t exactly sure what she was referring to until I stepped inside. Madelyn had on cutoff shorts that were frayed across the bottoms. Her T-shirt was not only too big, but worn and faded. Flip-flops had replaced her usual boots, and her unbrushed hair was piled on top her head.
When my eyes met hers, she stared back at me in confusion. “I thought we were going to the movies?” she asked Shannon as she stared at me.
“We are,” Shannon assured her, “and I invited the hunk to join us.”
I half expected Maddy to object, but after a few more seconds of staring me down, she grabbed her bag and moved toward the door. As she tried to step around me, I blocked her path and regained her attention.
“Is this okay?” I asked and she nodded. I hooked my hand around the back of her neck and pulled her closer. I pressed a kiss to her forehead and slowly breathed her in. I didn’t want to let go, but with the curious stare Shannon was tossing our way, I figured now wasn’t the time for this conversation.
“After the movie, we’ll talk,” I whispered before releasing her and allowing her to step around me. It wasn’t a suggestion, because this conversation would happen, only without an audience.
Chapter 26
MADELYN
Luke held my hand during the entire movie, gently brushing his thumb against my palm. I think it had the same calming effect on him as it did me.
Did I want things to end between us? God, no. I was just scared that he would need more than what Alvord or I could offer, and in the end I’d be left brokenhearted. I may have overreacted yesterday, but I went into instant protective mode and suddenly the only thing I could focus on was keeping my heart safe.
As the credits rolled, Luke leaned in closer, his lips hovering over my ear. “I’m not letting you push me away,” he whispered before he pressed a kiss against my temple. My pulse quickened, and when the lights came on, I continued to look forward. My vision clouded, but I refused to give in to my emotions.
I could almost feel Lucas’s eyes on me, questioning and analyzing, hopeful that we could get past whatever this was between us. I wanted that too, so badly, but I wasn’t sure how to make my fear go away.
Everyone in the theater began getting up and walking down the aisles toward the door. Shannon was the first of us to stand, and Luke followed as I joined her. The way he pressed his hand to my back before slowly moving it to my hip made me feel like he was holding on to me, afraid I would try to escape. Each time the line got backed up and we had to stop, he pressed his lips to my head and held me closer. The sweet meaning behind his every move was breaking me down so fast, my head felt hazy.
Nothing compared to his touch. Nothing.
“So Jeb texted during the movie and said he wanted me to meet him for dinner,” Shannon said when we were outside. “Do you two wanna join us?”
“Yes,” I said, just as Luke said no. Shannon laughed and I looked over my shoulder to meet Luke’s stare.
“If you think going to dinner is allowing you to dodge the conversation we’re gonna have, you’re mistaken.” He held my gaze, his big green eyes daring me to deny him. I couldn’t, because I wanted to work through this too. Being without Luke was hard enough the first time when I had no idea how being loved by him felt. This time, it would be impossible to move forward with my heart fully intact.
“We’ll talk,” I told him, and he relaxed as he nodded.
“We’ll have dinner, then we’re gonna work this out, even if it takes all night.” I knew he meant it; there was no playfulness in his eyes.
Luke had followed Shannon and me to the theater, and while the idea of riding to the restaurant with him crossed my mind, I knew I’d be a mess of emotions before we got there if I did. So I chose the safer route and went with Shannon. She was silent for the first few minutes as we drove, but I should have known it wouldn’t last. She’s nosy, pushy, and too observant for her own good.
“You wanna tell me why you and Luke are both so tense?” she asked as she stopped at the red light on Madison Circle. “I know something is up because that man is holding on to you like he’s scared you’re gonna disappear or something.”
“It’s just a little confusion—a hiccup or whatever.” I thought I’d succeeded at playing it off as nothing until she laughed and eased her foot off the brake when the light changed to green.
“You can’t lie for shit, and that back there was way more than a hiccup. So you can tell me”—she shrugged and I already knew what was coming—”or I can hound Lucas about it when we get to Bono’s.”
She wasn’t joking in the least. Shannon would hassle him and push until he caved or she pissed him off, whichever came first. She was shameless like that.
“Fine,” I said, knowing there was no other way out of this. “When I got to his place last night, he was on the phone with one of his football buddies from Alabama.” She nodded, completely engrossed. “He seemed alright, and the conversation he was having had him excited. His friend’s playing for an NFL team and offered him tickets to the game. They didn’t talk much after I got there, but the change in Luke’s mood gave me whiplash. He barely talked to me after he hung up. Instead he moved around his place like I wasn’t even there. I guess I just panicked a bit about why he was behaving that way and may or may not have gone a little overboard.”
“Did you yell at Lucas?” she asked, her tone suggesting that doing that would have been completely out of line.
“No, I did not yell at him,” I assured her. “I just went home because I figured he could use the time alone to sort through his thoughts.”
“And let me guess. You went home, sulked, pouted, and got so lost inside your head that somehow you turned the situation all around and made it more than it was.”
I nodded as I stared forward. I didn’t need to look at her to know she was giving me the stink-eye.
“Why does he bring out all your insecurities?” she asked, and it was a question I couldn’t honestly answer, because I truly didn’t know. Or maybe I did but was too afraid to admit it out loud. “Never mind, I know why.”
“Please enlighten me,” I whispered as I pulled at the hem of my shirt.
“These fears of yours are gonna ruin the two of you.”
I saw absolutely no point in arguing with that. If anyone knew how I was likely to self-sabotage something, it was Shannon. She understood my past. She was the one who stood by me after Luke left town, and even prior to that when I was crushed that he was barely talking to me. She watched me change from a young girl with a broken heart to the woman I was now. Though I still may suffer from some of the same insecurities I once had, I hid them better now. Or so I thought. But with Luke, they were front and center, and I couldn’t tuck them away no matter how hard I tried.
“He’s gonna wish for a different life, Madelyn. Hell, we all do at times. That man was so close to his dream, and then it was gone. Now he’s forced to watch the rest of his teammates living the life he dreamed of. You just need to understand that the fact he feels like this sometimes doesn’t mean that what you two share isn’t important. If you keep playing that game with yourself, then the two of you aren’t gonna come out on the other side of this unscathed.”
Silence set over us as I accepted and processed her words. I wanted it all with Luke, and I was perfectly content with the life I had and the way I was living it. I’d created this perfect little dream in my mind after he came home, and the possibility that the dream would never come to fruition terrified me.
“I’ve listened to you talked about Luke for years. You always said you despised him and the things you once felt for him were gone, but I knew that was all a facade. I could see it in your eyes each time his name was brought up. I could hear it in the stories you’d share about the two of you growing up together, and all the memories you held that involved Luke.”
I took a deep breath. She wasn’t saying anything I didn’t already know.
“Let it all go, Maddy,” she said with desperation. I
looked over at her as she pulled into the parking lot of Bono’s. She put the car in Park, then looked over at me with complete seriousness. “Neither one of you is the same person you once were. Not only do you look at Luke like he’s the only man on earth, he watches you as if every move you make is magical. The man hangs on your every word, as if the sound of your voice is the most beautiful thing he’s ever heard. You share a connection that most people only dream of. Don’t let that slip through your fingers because you’re too scared of being hurt. Live it, and love every ounce of attention that man gives you.”
I couldn’t speak. I only nodded, accepting her words. Tears pooled in my eyes, and though I tried to force them away, one slid down my cheek just as there was a knock on the window beside me.
The moment Lucas’s eyes met mine, he reached for the handle and pulled open the car door. Kneeling the best he could to bring himself eye level with me, he placed his hand on my cheek.
“I’m okay,” I told him, hoping to ease the worry in his eyes.
“Do you always cry when you’re okay?” he asked, and it made me smile. “I’m not playing, Maddy.” My smile clearly did nothing to faze him.
He looked over at Shannon as he continued to hold my face in his hand. “Can we have a minute?”
Keys jangled, followed by the driver’s door squeaking open. “Sure,” she said. “Jeb and I will just grab a table.”
I watched Luke closely as he nodded, then I jerked in surprise as the car door shut. He stood, holding his hand out toward me, and I looked from it to his face curiously.
“Let’s take a little walk,” he insisted.
I unbuckled my seat belt, placed my hand in his, and allowed him to pull me out of the car using his good arm. Closing the car door behind me, he put his hand on the lower part of my back and led me toward the grassy area just north of the restaurant. An old oak tree stood not too far ahead, and it reminded me of the tree Luke and I used to climb near the lake on my father’s land.
When we reached the base of the tree, I couldn’t keep myself from touching it as I remembered the times we’d climb that old oak and just sit on the big branch that overlooked that lake for hours. Sometimes we’d even drag the snacks Momma packed up with us and talk about the things young kids share for hours.
