by Nikki Landis
Chapter 18
“No Dev, I mean it.”
The sound of raised voices awakens me from a deep sleep. I blink, slightly confused as I realize that I’m no longer in the asylum.
“Why do you think you have the right to assume control over her life? What the fuck bro?”
“I didn’t say –”
“You never have, but . . . you do love her, don’t you?”
Vaguely I remember stumbling through the darkness, desperate to find help. I’d have done anything to escape Graves Sanatorium.
“Dev,” Derek’s voice sounds pained, “you already know the answer.”
“She needs stability Derek. If you can’t see that . . .”
“I know.” I heard his sigh. “I know everything she needs, alright?”
“She’s my sister. It’s my job to protect her bro.”
“I’ll keep my promise. I swear.”
As they move further down the hall I don’t hear the rest of their discussion. Part of me wishes I never heard Derek admit those words. Knowing his feelings only makes me feel obligated and I don’t like it. I’m nothing but a bad choice, the sooner he realizes that the better off he’ll be.
My experiences in the asylum have my thoughts jumbled and my focus shattered. I feel tainted in a way that’s disconcerting. I’ll be facing difficult choices in the future, likely with Derek first. I’m my own worst enemy. I overthink and destroy happiness before someone else can do it.
I don’t need anyone else to sabotage my life. I’m pretty good at that shit all on my own.
Ask Devon.
As I lay here, I sort of have a little pity party with myself. My life is becoming a living hell of twisted nightmares that merge with reality until I’m not sure anymore where one begins and the other ends. There’s a darkness in my soul, tainted by evil.
The shadows pull me in . . . tug me under until I’m lost in the deepest corridors of my mind.
The darkness calls to me now, no longer a sporadic whisper, but a consistent voice that rests over my shoulder in a smooth seductive lure and I shiver. I want to be lost . . . to give in to the voices in my head that say I’m a bloodthirsty beast. I’m so close and I’ll lose control.
I don’t want to fight anymore.
I’m slipping . . . sinking further . . . and I think . . . this time . . . I’m not coming back . . .
IT’S MUCH LATER WHEN I awaken from my nap. The shadows on the wall move higher and I realize it’s close to noon. There’s a knock on my door.
“You up Leigh?”
“Yes, come in.”
Derek enters slowly, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans. “You alright?”
I nod. “I have to be, right?” My question is rhetorical. He doesn’t answer and I don’t expect him to.
“Why did you leave?” The pain in his voice is so deep I can feel it in my chest.
“I had to save Ivey,” I explain, but it’s half-hearted.
“She’s safe. You never bothered to ask me or Dev. We could have . . .” He trails off and runs his hand through his hair.
“I’m sorry.” I am, truly.
“Was he there?”
“He?” I’m confused.
“Viktor Blackstone,” Derek growls the name, his eyes hardening.
“Yes.”
“Did he hurt you?” He approaches the bed and sinks down on the mattress, one hand reaching for mine.
“Yes and no,” I admit.
“Did he force himself on you?”
“Yes and no,” I repeat and cringe at his expression.
He looks pissed. “Did you fuck him?” His blunt words make me cringe.
I open my mouth to object but no words form.
“You did, didn’t you? You let that sick bastard fuck you!” His fingers tighten their hold on my hand as a look of pure agony flashes across his face.
Tears fill my eyes and I blink rapidly in the hope they’ll disappear. I want to explain, to tell him everything but I can already see in his dark amber eyes how deeply he’s affected. I’ve hurt him.
“I’m sorry Derek,” I whisper, my throat tight with those same unshed tears.
“Sorry? What?” He shoves me away, backing up several feet. “I, I can’t think straight.” His body trembles and I can see he’s losing control.
“I’m sorry I was weak.”
He doesn’t get it and I don’t expect him to understand. He wasn’t there. How do I explain all the vile and fucked up things that happened? The torture, the control, the manipulation, and the conditioning to become another monster, just a freak to be used by the Collective?
Viktor Blackstone is the most dangerous kind of enemy.
He was the kind that manages to own a piece of your heart.
I don’t call it love – I’m not that delusional – but a mutual attraction that runs as deep as the darkness caged within Viktor’s soul. His brokenness and need to control speaks to the damaged dark places I keep hidden. He touches a part of me no one else has ever been able to reach, not my parents, and certainly not my brother, Devon. Our interactions over the time I was held in Graves deeply impacted me.
Derek could never understand.
In the future I’ll need to stay far away from Viktor Blackstone.
“How could you let him touch you?” Derek has his back to me but the tone of his voice betrays his feelings. Hurt, anger, frustration – they all linger in the air like a heavy mist that settles over my skin and seeps in, chilling me to the bone.
“I couldn’t fight it,” I reply with a sigh.
“Your desires or him?”
“Both.” It’s true. I want what Viktor did to me and Derek needs to know the truth. I might lie, bend the truth, and use situations to my advantage but when it comes to the few people in this world that I actually care about I’m brutally honest. Maybe to a fault. I don’t bother to correct him in his assumption that I slept with Viktor. The interaction was close enough. Punishing myself, I stay silent, knowing I don’t deserve any forgiveness Derek may impart if I tell him everything.
Did it matter? I didn’t think so.
“I see.”
Derek’s shoulders stiffen as he walks forward and leaves the room, his silence more hurtful than any angry words could ever be, and I let the few tears that linger in my eyes spill down my cheeks without a care.
I DON’T SEE DEREK THE remainder of the day or evening. At midnight I crawl into bed and try to forget the ache in my chest. It’s better this way. Easier.
It’s simple enough to lock my heart away.
I’m an independent girl anyway. I seemed to forget lately who I am.
I’m a volatile vixen. I’m badass like Harley Quinn. I don’t need anyone.
As I sink under the covers I repeat the words over and over like a mantra in my head. Now if only I could believe them . . .
I’m drifting off to sleep when I hear my bedroom door open and fling back against the wall with a loud crack. The sound is startling as I bolt straight up in bed, afraid for a split second until I realize that Derek is standing inside my room. The look on his face is wild fury mixed with drunken desire.
Raindrops dribble down his black leather jacket and blue jeans that cling to the muscles and contours of his body, slither down the dark strands of his thick hair, and pool on the ground beneath his boots. I watch as he rips the soaked leather from his body and tosses it aside followed by his shirt, striding forward with determination.
He’s quick, here in front of me before I can draw another deep breath.
I’m standing before him, our chests touching as I realize I moved the same instant he did. Derek’s hands rise to either side of my head, his large palms covering my ears and cheeks almost entirely, as he slowly begins to squeeze.
The action isn’t painful but jarring. I’m not sure what he’s doing.
“I’d remove him from your head if I could,” Derek rasps, his words slightly slurred, “I’d take away every touch of his fingers on your skin
, I’d burn the sensation from your brain, and tear Viktor Blackstone from your skull piece by piece.”
I open my mouth to speak but he shakes his head.
“Maybe if I squeeze hard enough I can erase his imprint on your skin. Maybe I can squash him like a bug for ruining everything,” his voice catches as he sneers, “Maybe I can remove your desire to have him fuck you.”
I flinch.
He’s angry. He’s more pissed than he’s ever been at me and I can’t say sorry. I can’t think of anything in that moment but Derek and the painful look of vulnerability in his eyes. He’s awakened some kind of primal urge inside me, a deep hunger, and I lunge at him, raking my nails down his chest. Thin strips of blood appear almost instantly as he roars, grabs my wrists and tosses me on the bed.
There’s a look of wild fury mixed with raw desire in Derek’s eyes. He wants me. I can see it. The knowledge almost makes me slick right there, but I don’t have time to wonder about his next move. He rips the shirt from my body, tossing the pieces aside as his hungry mouth lands directly on my left nipple. He pauses and lifts his head, his dark eyes with waves of amber ripping the breath from my chest in their intensity, “I’ll force him from your thoughts if I have to Leigh. I’ll fuck him from your memory with every inch of my cock until you can’t think at all.”
Fuck, I’m gonna come from his words alone.
Gasps launch from my throat as he bites at the tender flesh of my breast and teases my nipple to a tight nub with his hot tongue and moves to the right, sucking and grasping with rough fingers. Derek pinches and I cry out, my legs opening wide. He lavishes attention on each one, back and forth, until I writhe and whimper beneath his strong body.
I want him, like nothing I’ve ever wanted before.
My yoga pants are the next casualty of this war but I don’t care. He rips them apart, not even bothering to completely remove them. My red lace panties land somewhere on the planet earth but I could give two shits exactly where they went. Derek grasps my hips while his tongue plunges inside my core, so fast and so furious, I’m bucking off the bed as he anchors my legs on his shoulders.
Fuck.
That feels amazing. My fingers pull at his hair as I moan so loud I’m sure the neighbors all know exactly what I’m doing right now and it turns me on even more. For the first time I utter a word and it’s his name, dripping like smooth honey from my lips. “Derek.”
Hearing his name on my tongue must really turn him on because he growls and tosses clothing all over my room. He’s naked and I want to stare, pause, and admire the gorgeous god in front of me but he’s wild, he’s come undone and I know there’s no going back now. I hardly register his body above mine, blinking at his swift movements.
He plunges inside me, fast and furious. I was hardly ready.
There’s pain. There’s pleasure. There’s a fucking bomb in my core, building to a frenzy, and I’m going to explode. I want him deeper. Harder. Faster. Angrier.
Damn. I’m so fucked up it isn’t funny.
At the moment I don’t care. I want him. Filling me up. Slapping against my thighs as he drives in fiercely from behind, balls deep. I want him to own me. Take me. Claim me. Brand me. His.
I think he’s never going to figure it out.
He’s a guy and they never figure that shit out fast enough but it’s like he’s in my head, like he knows my every thought, my every need, my every desire, and I’m so hot with the thought that I hardly notice he’s pulling out.
He flips me onto my stomach, tugs me back against his hips, and drives inside me again as I scream at the mixture of pain and ecstasy that surges through my loins. I. Fucking. Love. It.
“Leigh!”
He yanks my head back by my hair, his lips meeting mine in a frenzied sloppy kiss, his tongue plunging like his cock and I think I like the feel of him in my body and my mouth at the same time. I can taste the sweetness and spice of liquor on his breath, coating my tongue. The feeling of abandonment of all control has me shivering, but not with a chill. I’m shaking with desire, with need, and with a cavernous well of sexual tension built up over the past several weeks since that night we spent together.
My body is revved up, a race car reaching zero to one hundred mph in under ten seconds.
I’m almost there. I’m so close. The friction of our skin, the dripping sweat, the slap of our flesh, is pushing me closer, faster, than I’ve ever been before. Damn. He’s an animal.
His balls smack against my clit and I’m moaning so loud, like a fucking freight train.
My fingers grasp at the silken material of the sheets and I scream his name again as my orgasm rips through me, soaking the two of us. He’s moaning and grunting, thrusting harder, saying my name as he drives deeper, his fingers digging into the flesh of my hips. I’m going to have bruises later but I don’t care. It feels so good, so fucking good.
“Derek! Ohhhhhh Derek.”
I can’t stop coming. My body spasms as he plunges faster, pumping so hard we’re moving across the bed, and he’s holding on for life. A low growl erupts from his throat and then I feel it. He’s spurting deep inside me and coming so hard that he’s nearly hyperventilating and I grin, satisfied.
“My Leigh,” he groans, his words possessive, and I don’t care.
I. Don’t. Care.
My eyes flutter as he collapses and rolls to the side, panting. He pulls me into his muscular chest, holding me tight, and places a kiss on the top of my head. “My Leigh.”
There’s more he wants to say – I sense it – but he knows me. He understands me well enough that I might revolt so he says nothing else. His arms are immovable bars, protective, refusing to let go. I know he’s going to hold me now, before my mind has a chance to fuck this all up.
“Shhh baby,” he soothes. “I’m not going anywhere.”
My chest feels tight and I let loose a little sob. “Derek.”
“Baby let it go. None of it matters.”
Fatigue overcomes my thoughts for once. I mumble something, not fully realizing my words.
“I love you too Leigh.”
For about three seconds I freak out. Before I can do anything stupid he chuckles.
“You know you do, so don’t overthink it.”
I squeeze him tight around the torso, my eyes fluttering as he places another kiss on my forehead. There’s one fleeting thought in my head – I hope I didn’t make a mistake – and then I’m out, dreaming so deeply I’m unaware how he tightens his hold and how his heart races beneath my ear as he whispers the depth of his love and devotion.
Chapter 19
In the morning I wake up, stretching like a contented feline as he grins and kisses me softly on the lips. I refuse to acknowledge reality and bask in the glow of after-sex euphoria, my body sore in all the right delicious ways that make me want to moan out loud. Derek seems to understand my mood and cuddles closer, neither of us willing to leave the bed.
His arm holds me tighter and I feel the gentle thud of his pulse beneath my fingertips where they rest on his chest. I want to say a million things but not one word is right.
Do I love him?
Yes, I do. I don’t know how or when my heart fell for his but I know it’s true.
Right before I fall back to sleep, my fingers trace three simple words across the dark dusting of hair on his chest that tapers down his hips into his groin. His arms tighten around me as he realizes what I’ve been tracing, over and over again, branding into his flesh.
I love you.
“Sleep Leigh,” he whispers, and I smile as I fade away . . .
“Fuck!” I yell an hour later as he runs into the bathroom where I’m sitting on the toilet. I’m still naked but clarity has just entered my head. I forgot to refill my birth control since I wasn’t around to remember and all the chaos with Viktor forced it from my mind. I’ve been out for days, weeks . . .
And last night I had unprotected sex with Derek the hottie and he came inside me.
Great.
“Love? What’s the matter?” His cocky grin annoys me so I decide to let him join me in the scare for the next couple of weeks.
“I ran out of birth control and forgot to refill it.”
He shrugs. “So?”
“I’ve been out for several days.”
“Yeah?”
Was he really so stupid? “You didn’t use protection last night.”
He seems unconcerned so I glare at him until he realizes what I’m saying. “Pregnancy? Is that what you’re worried about?”
I grind my teeth. “Yes.”
He laughs, “We’ve never used protection babe but I’m sure it’s fine. Let’s get your pill refilled today.”
Raising a stubborn and irritated brow I practically growl at him, “Counting on having me back in the sack so soon?”
He hoists me up from the toilet and places his hands on either side of my face, “I don’t think you get it.”
“Get what?”
“Let me spell it out. I. Love. You.” His eyes hold mine with an intensity I don’t expect. “I love you Leigh. I don’t give a shit about anything else.”
Ha. Sure. “And if I’m pregnant?”
He doesn’t flinch. In fact, he doesn’t blink at all but holds my gaze steady. “I’m here, no matter what.”
I shove him away. “You’re being ridiculous.” No guy wants trapped in that kind of cage.
“Leigh, I’m not arguing with you. I know you’re scared about what happened last night and we can talk about it if you want, but I’m not going anywhere, so you might as well stop trying to push me away.”
Damn. He knows me so well and in that moment I know I really do love him. Well shit, now I was in trouble. All I do is fuck up the good things in my life.
Watch, I’ll screw this up too. It’s just how it is. I’m a walking disaster.
“Why do you have to be so wonderful?” I ask, allowing a little hope to blossom in my chest. Maybe the bad girl can have a happy ending?
I mean, didn’t Harley and the Joker make their screwed up relationship work?
His face softens, giving him this boyish quality that’s pretty adorable. “The same reason you’re so damn cute. Fucking awesome genetics.”
