by Stahl, Shey
Tate and I were having dinner together the night before the Dover race. It’d been a long time since we’d actually done anything together and it was nice.
From the time I graduated from high school and decided to pursue this dream it seemed like my free time wasn’t really my free time. Sure I had days off but lately those days off were spent with Sway—which I would never complained about but I never had time for my other friends. I rarely saw Tommy, Justin, and Tyler. It’d been a while since I saw Ryder and Cody.
Bobby and Tate were becoming good friends but still, outside of the track, we rarely got to spend time just being normal people and not a professional race car driver with time constraints limiting your personal life and those around you.
There comes a point in your career as a race car driver that your life is no longer your life and your friends, well, they are there but they never get the attention they deserve. They get what’s left over after the lifestyle takes nearly everything you have. It really can destroy you if you let it.
“I hear you threw your helmet at old Huey.”
“That fucker deserved it. He black flagged me in practice.” I clipped with a sour edge. “Practice. Who does that shit?”
“Uh,” his eyebrows rose. “I was out there with you.” He said sardonically. “You were driving like an asshole. Do you realize you pushed me into Paul like five fucking times.” he shook his head with a laugh. “You’re such a shit sometimes.”
“Sorry.”
He hesitated for a brief second before speaking. “I heard Kyle punched Gordon. I would have liked to have witnessed that.”
“You and me both. He showed me the video surveillance.”
“I heard...that’s why I would have liked to have seen Kyle give the asshole what he deserved.”
I stared back at him with a tortured expression, reliving the images once again. “Yeah,”
“You know...I shouldn’t have brought that up, I’m sorry.” His probing eyes examined me.
“No,” I waved him off. “It’s fine. I just don’t know what would have possessed him to show me.”
He laughed one hard laugh. “He was always on his side. Gordon thought Darrin was the best driver out there and what the sport needed. Then you came along.”
Conversations drifted away as the commotion around us picked up as a few fans stopped by for autographs and pictures.
“How’s Sway feeling?” Tate asked once the waitress brought our drinks out, the fans leaving us to our meals.
“She seems good.” I took a slow drink, feeling the burn of the alcohol. “She yelled at me.”
Tate laughed. “Been there before. The woman rules,”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I smiled ruefully at him, hoping he didn’t see the sadness I felt. “They definitely have a way.”
He once again examined my face for a moment and then nodded with a genial smile seeming to notice my inner battle. “Anything you want to talk about there, kid?”
I inhaled a deep breath running my hand over my jaw. Leaning back in my chair I thought once again about what Sway told me. “She thinks I’m letting go of what I want.”
“She’s right, you are.” Tate shifted forward, his elbows resting against the table, his hand scrapped along the rough stubble of his jaw. “When I first met you, I thought to myself...there’s a kid that’s either going to be a champion or kill himself trying. I’ve never seen another driver with your determination, your desire to be the best. That combined with the raw talent you possess...you’re inexorable on the track, you dominate.” He told me with a shake of his head. “I’ve been racing since I was a kid, just like you. But I’ll never compare to the talent you have behind the wheel. No one on the series can.” He smiled before speaking again. “Do you know why I raced you the way I did in Richmond?”
“Because that’s how we race.” I shrugged. “All or nothing,”
“Yeah, that’s partially right, but I knew that if you were to get inside the top five in points, we didn’t stand a chance at winning a repeat championship.”
I smiled halfheartedly taking another drink but didn’t answer.
“Sway’s just looking out for you, Jameson. She knows you and she knows what you can do.” His expression changed, tensed. “I was in my fourth year of the Cup Series when Darrin was a rookie. I hated him from the beginning. I mean, if I thought you were cocky, he was ten times worse but he didn’t have any reason to be. There are plenty of other drivers out there he could have targeted like he did to you and Kasey. But he did that because you two were competition for him, you more so than Kasey. I don’t blame you for going after him...” he shook his head. “I would have done the same thing.” Tate smiled holding his drink up. “Here’s to him never coming back.”
“I’ll drink to that.” I said with a wicked smile. Even with unspoken words, most around the garage figured Darrin’s abrupt disappearance had something to do with me but then again, they never questioned it as I would have never questioned any of them in my shoes. It was just an unspoken code of conduct between us.
It was silent for a few moments as the waitress delivered the food and brought out new drinks.
Tate was one of the main reasons I got this chance to live this dream and I knew me blowing it, was also letting him down. As much as it hurt to hear Sway tell me how I was acting, it hurt worse to actually see it in Tate’s eyes.
I saw it with Sway, but Tate gave me this chance with Simplex. If I walked away from it all, that would be just like a slap in his face to him.
“Keep your head on kid, I mean that.” He leaned forward, taking another sip of his drink before running his fingertips over the condensation forming around the glass. With his eyes still focused on the glass, he began to speak. “Be the kid I witnessed come out to the Chili Bowl at nineteen competing against men who’d been racing twice as long as he had. Be the kid that broke the track record that same week because the other drivers wouldn’t take him seriously.” Tate tipped his head in my direction. “And to this day, three years later, still holds the track record for the fastest lap ever made at Chili Bowl Nationals, and your first lap ever made there. Jameson, that right there should tell you what kind of talent you possess.” He intoned, his body relaxed in his chair, crossing his leg over his left knee. “I shouldn’t say that to you, because I know damn well if you can pull yourself together and get that drive, that determination in you back, I don’t stand a chance for a repeat championship.”
I snorted; the corners of my mouth twitch into smile.
“Thanks...for everything, Tate.” I said with conviction. “It’s nice to have friends like you.”
“Thank me when you win the championship.” He sounded utterly convinced I could do it. “You could give me the trophy you know.”
“Ah, well, I don’t really care about the trophy so yeah, you can have it.”
He laughed. “You’ll change your mind when you’re holdin’ it.”
The last words he said to me that night were probably the most memorable of everything.
“There is a lesson in everything we do. It’s about seeing past the speed and looking for an opening you didn’t see before.”
I wasn’t sure if he was talking about racing or life but decided it didn’t matter, it applied to both.
Sometimes I feel like the past is something you just can’t let go of but I also feel like sometimes the past was something we would do anything to forget.
I don’t think we should ever forget our past altogether because it taught us what not to do or what not to repeat. But you need to move forward with the future. Move forward with your dreams and use it as a lesson.
I needed to be that man for Sway. I needed to be that man for my son. I needed to let go of the past. Yeah Darrin got a piece of me but he didn’t get the whole thing and no one ever would. I could do that. At least I thought I could after a few drinks.
The only dream I could ever remember wanting was to be a race car driver. Some
kids changed their minds as they grew older, I never did. I saw the passion my dad had for the sport and I knew I wanted that too. I also remember the sacrifices he made to do so. He wasn’t home on our birthdays, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day and right after Christmas, he was usually gone again. If we wanted to see him we traveled with him. Even with all that, he taught me one important trait, determination.
In the twenty four years my dad had been racing in the World of Outlaws, he’d won fourteen championships and was well on the way to his fifteenth. He’d won five hundred and forty three races. In my eyes he was greatness. He was a legend. I wanted my son to be able to look at me with the same idolatry I did to Jimi. I wanted him to look at me and see greatness, someone he could admire. I didn’t want him to see the man I’d become these last few weeks. Even I hardly recognized the man I’d become.
After Sway told me the way it would be, and Tate making me feel like a complete failure, I did some thinking that night before the Dover race. Alone in my motor coach was something I needed.
Cal stopped by for a minute to see if I needed anything before he headed back to the hotel. “Any requests for tomorrow?” He did all the cooking on the road these days.
“Same as always, orange juice, egg whites and bacon,”
He smiled near the door, one foot out and one foot in. “You all right kid?”
I smiled despite my shitty attitude. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Well,” he seemed to contemplate staying before he finally said, “see you tomorrow.”
I had some serious decisions to make and that started with myself and ended with myself. I couldn’t be that kid who broke down when his rock left him for college. Resorting to drinking and combining pain pills wasn’t an option for me now. I had to face reality.
As grandpa Casten would say, eventually you have to get off the bench and decided which team you’re batting for, self-pity, or self-resilience?
“You ready for this, Riley?” Bobby asked taking in my appearance that morning after the team meeting. We stood on pit road, waiting for the National Anthem to begin, and then the race.
Leaning against the side of my car, I smiled as Tate and Paul Leighty, his teammate, approached me.
Bobby’s head tipped sideways. “Hmm,” a grin appeared. “...I’ve seen that smile before...Rowdy Riley’s back, huh?”
I offered another smile pulling my hat down to shadow my face.
“Good luck boys.” Patting Tate and Bobby on the back, I stepped past them. I was batting for self-resilience.
Spoiler – Tate
I searched his intense indomitable stare. That determination, that desire I saw in that nineteen-year old kid at the Chili Bowl was back. I saw in the way he looked at us, the way he walked. I knew right then the arrogant little shit I met four years ago had returned. I’ve seen many drivers in my time, but none of them ever compared to the talent Jameson has behind the wheel.
I turned toward Bobby and Paul gesturing toward Jameson. “You know we’re screwed, right?”
We watched as he stopped and signed a couple autographs before Paul laughed. “He’s right, we’re fucked.”
“Rowdy Riley’s back.” Bobby agreed clapping his hands together. He was all for the competition. “It’s gonna be a good race.”
He was right though, none of us wanted to race against the distant version of Jameson he’d become. We wanted to race against Rowdy Riley who kept us on our game. When the kid showed up we knew our chance at winning were slim, like today.
There’s nothing like the look in a racers eye when he wants it.
Spoiler – Jameson
When I thought about how out of control I had become these last few weeks, I realized I was some kind of wild animal. I also tend to think there is an animal instinct in everyone whether you want to admit it or not. You want to think of yourself as controlled and rational but when your world falls apart it’s apparent that we’re really no different from animals.
We feel caged, we run. We feel danger, we run. We want comfort and we want to feel safe.
What really sets us apart from animals is our ability to adapt and evolve to situations. A Grisly bear isn’t going to suddenly say, “Hey I think I’ll not attack this human.”
That bear runs on instinct and always will when he feels threatened.
Sure we, as in myself, may react when faced with danger but we also have the ability to say we’re sorry, something an animal can’t do. And though I wouldn’t blame them, thankfully no one was going to shoot me with a tranquilizer for acting this way. That Grisly, well he probably didn’t fare as well.
But I had an opportunity, a chance to beg for forgiveness and show others I was worth it even with my animal instincts.
I poured my begging for forgiveness into my natural ability. The only way I knew how to show them just how much I appreciated them not giving up on me. I won the race.
As I pulled into victory lane, I was only thinking of Sway. I wanted her here with me to share this, to experience this and see how much I appreciated her. So much of my success and my determination, comes from her. It’s because of her that I want to be a better man and forget those animal instincts, communication issues and deadly sins. Determination and desire can take you a long ways if you want it bad enough.
Combine those two traits, determination and desire, and you can be a relentless unstoppable son of a bitch. That was me. Nothing was holding me back now. I was on a mission. A mission to forget those animal instincts to run when faced with fear but also respected one important instinct I had, determination when you saw your prey in sight. I had my prey insight. A championship.
Sway was right, champions aren’t made, they are born. It takes ambition, determination, and sacrifice. A lot of sacrifice. But after all the blown engines, DNF’s, brushes with concrete, late night, early rises, and time away from my family is washed away by the champagne and beer spraying me in the face, something changed. I realized that dream I dreamt about as a four-year old kid sitting in your dad’s sprint car was within reach and this was worth it.
As my team hollered and screamed around me, I looked up into the sky, and for the first time in years, I prayed. With my body drenched in sweat, I rested my head against the roof of my car and gave in.
I prayed that it would be okay. I prayed I’d find the strength to be the man I needed to be for my family and most of all, I prayed for having the opportunity to do so. Not many people get the chance to follow their dreams but here I was, living mine.
Through all this, Sway would have never asked me to quit for the simple fact that she knew I would for her and I’m thankful she didn’t.
Just like that animal that saw his prey in sight, I wouldn’t give up and she knew it.
After Dover, the seconds were turning into minutes as the minutes turned into hours. Days turned to nights as the nights turned to weeks. All time seemed to be blurring together.
Half the time I didn’t know what track I was at...just that I wasn’t where I really wanted to be. But I also knew I needed this. I needed to prove myself. I needed to know those sacrifices were worth it. So in turn, I was relentless and wouldn’t stand for anyone getting in my way. That flavor that swirled in my mouth at the beginning of this was now consuming my entire body. It pulsed through my veins, begging for the pressure release, bubbling to the surface and I was left with the burning desire.
Every night I sat in my motor coach or another hotel room wishing I had time to see Sway but with the season winding down, time wasn’t possible. And every night the news reports painted the picture of what I was becoming. Only now, the headlines read things like,
The Fire within will Rise Again
He lives on pure instinct just like his racing. He’s strong and lithe, always anticipating their next move.
Tragedy attempted to end his chances at the series title but this dominant beleaguered rookie Rowdy Riley has his own unrefined fight brewing.
For some reason, and I’m sure you
can understand why, those were easier to stomach than the shit they wrote about me and Darrin. It wasn’t like they still didn’t question the disappearance, but they didn’t as often. It may have had something to do with the fact that I never replied.
Before Martinsville, I checked on how the road trip was going, fearing Sway would have killed one of them by now, and by one of them, I mean my sister. I didn’t want my pregnant soon to be wife going to jail for murder.
“Hey Van, how’s the trip going?” I waited in the hauler for Spencer to return so we could fly out to Martinsville. I had a shitload of press to do there so we had to leave straight from California to Virginia. Lately, to get seat time, I’d been racing triple headers.
“Now that Ms. Sway and I drugged Emma with Nyquil, it’s a more peaceful trip.”
I laughed putting my shoes on and balancing the phone on my shoulder as I tied them.
“How’s Sway doing?” Sway and I spoke often and many times throughout the day, not to mention we’d been texting like high school girls in the back of biology class but I wanted to know Van’s thoughts, I knew how observant he was.
“I assure you she’s fine Jameson.” Van told me with a laugh. “You know I take her safety seriously, right?”
I sunk into the couch contemplating what he said.
“I do Van.” I replied. “I think you in particular can understand how much she means to me and how imperative it is to me that she’s kept safe.”
“I do,” he assured me. There was a pause before he added. “We should be in Elma by Wednesday as planned if we can keep Emma under control.”
“Good luck with that.” I laughed freely. “And people wonder why I tried to auction her off at the zoo when she was seven.”
“Hell man, I would have done it a lot sooner than that.”
As my luck would have it, I got caught up in appearances and press interviews so I had to postpone my trip to Elma to see Sway, which had me one grumpy bastard by the time I actually made it to Martinsville. Not only had I missed her being released from the hospital but now I wouldn’t get to see her for another few weeks. Grumpy bastard might actually be an understatement.
