“Hey, fancy running into you,” Dwayne said as he ambled up to her with a smile.
Nicole smiled back, but it was a little forced. Her face ached with tension, even her teeth had a small thump echoing through them. The paper would be the death of her. She didn’t have time for Dwayne and his humor. In fact, she was a little resentful of the light in his eyes, knowing hers had lost any luster.
“Dwayne, I’m going to start thinking you’re following me,” she said, doing her best to sound amused rather than tired.
He chuckled and tilted his strong chin up. “Nah, I think I’m here for similar reasons.”
She glanced at the shelf. “Books?” It was a library. Of course, that’d be his reason.
He laughed. “I meant the lab thing. I keep running into you, because we’re both doing more research. Me because my partner is lazy as hell. You?”
“Every time Lisa and I think we have things figured out, something else goes wrong. It’s beyond annoying.”
He nodded. “I saw Lisa earlier. She had a bag of books. What do you two do, email back and forth? I never see you together.”
“Email, calling, and texting work best for us. We both have full time jobs. Hell, Lisa has kids.” As soon as they partnered up and went through their usual days, they both knew they’d have to treat their partnership like a long-distance business deal. They pulled their weight, just not together. They’d be done if their project decided to stop being a bitch.
“Yeah, when I saw her, she told me she’s married and driving her husband nuts because of the paper. What about you?”
Nicole sighed and thought about Danny. Pins and needles shot through her. “Definitely neglecting a relationship for this. You?”
He chuckled and shrugged. “I’ve got work and school. Nothing else, not even friends. I’m not good at multitasking.”
“I find that hard to believe.” She thought someone who always ran late had to figure out how to juggle more.
“Nah, I might act cool and all, but I can only do one thing at a time. My mom thinks I’m the most boring nerd on Earth.”
Nicole gave a weak laugh. “I’m sure you’re fine.”
“I’m hopeless. Hey, I know you’re usually in a rush with me, but I could use another brain. Can I just run some ideas by you? My partner is worthless. Honestly, I’m not sure how he made it this far unless he cheated.”
Nicole should go home. Danny waited for her, in some shape or form anyway. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to face Danny, even though lunch went fine on the surface. Underneath, after her epiphany, she was drained, like she’d been walking through a storm, against the wind, and now she was at the eye of the hurricane. Going home would mean returning to that storm.
Besides, Dwayne was friendly and seemed to need her help. She helped at work all the time with people who weren’t grateful. Dwayne would be appreciative, and she’d like to help a friend.
Nicole found herself in a twenty-four-hour coffee shop with Dwayne again. He had his notes with him. Nicole flipped through his notes while she sipped a hot chocolate. Dwayne talked her through it while having tea.
“This looks good,” Nicole said.
“Yeah, but I need a lot more.”
Nicole nodded. She had suggestions for him, and he jotted down what he liked. They talked about different things he could do and then next thing she knew an hour had passed. Shit. She wouldn’t solve any of her problems by not going home. Besides, her troubles this time were all in her mind. She was spooked by a thought.
“Dwayne, this has been fun and all, but I have to get home.”
“Ah, duty calls with the neglected relationship. Good luck.” He smiled.
“Thanks.” She dashed off. Checking her phone, she was surprised Danny hadn’t texted or called. She’d been out late at the library so often, Danny probably expected it.
As she pulled up to the house, Nicole worked on an apology. It was late, even for her. Danny might be in bed already, not asleep on the couch. Instead, Danny was up on her phone, fingers working on a text message unless she learned to download games, and Haydn whimpered at her feet. As soon as he noticed Nicole, he rushed over to her and tried to tug her to the door.
“No, pup. It’s too late for a walk,” Nicole said, petting his head. He whined more, trying to push her back to the door. She looked up at Danny. “Hey, love.”
“Hey.” Danny didn’t bother to look up from her phone, probably texting with Samiyah, the most important thing in her life.
“Have you let Haydn out? He’s begging.” He had her by the sleeve, yanking her to the door.
“Opened the backyard for him and he wouldn’t go out.” Danny kept working the keyboard on her phone.
Nicole fought off a scowl. Now Danny couldn’t be bothered to walk the dog. Before she couldn’t be stopped from doing everything. “Well, he’s begging now.”
“Okay. Can you let him out then?”
“I’m going to,” Nicole replied, maybe snippier than she should have. She was tired and annoyed that Danny texted someone so late while their dog entreated her to go outside.
Danny didn’t seem to notice her attitude as Nicole let Haydn out. He had a little spot in the backyard that was all his. He was out and in fairly quickly. It was too cold even for him. She returned to the living room to see Danny still on her phone.
“Who are you texting, love?” Nicole asked as she made her way to the kitchen. She frowned. “Babe, what’s up with the pile of dishes?”
“Huh?”
“The dishes. Why are there a mountain of dishes in the sink?” Nicole couldn’t believe her eyes. It looked like Danny had people over.
“I had to take out a bunch of stuff from the fridge that went bad.”
“And you didn’t wash the dishes after?” The kitchen looked like an experiment gone wrong.
Danny scoffed. “Do I have to do everything?” she grumbled.
“What the hell?” Nicole turned right around to go look at Danny, who was glued to her phone. “Danny, look at me.”
Danny glanced at her. “What? What is the problem? It’s damn near midnight and you’re just walking in and you have a problem.”
“I don’t have a problem. You left a pile of dishes in the sink.”
“Oh, then, I should’ve let the food in the fridge turn into one of your damn science experiments?” Danny huffed.
“Of course not, but could you do the whole job if you’re going to clean something? This is way half-assed.” Nicole motioned to the sink.
“At least I did something.”
Nicole frowned. “Okay, you made a mess. Congratulations. Why can’t you just clean it up? You’re too busy texting Samiyah at midnight.”
Grey eyes narrowed as Danny focused on her. She stood up, looming in a way she never had before. “So, what if I’m texting Samiyah? You think I’m fooling around with her?”
“I didn’t say that. I think you’re paying her more attention than anything else.”
“Like you’re doing with school?” Danny replied.
Nicole blinked twice, hard enough to where she thought she heard her eyelids smack together. It would’ve been less shocking to be struck by lightning. “Then, you don’t want me to go to school?”
Danny flinched and her mouth gaped open. “What the hell? Of course not, but you can’t be in my ass about anything when you’re never here. Why the hell is this even a problem? I cleaned the fridge. Shouldn’t I get a thank you? No, it’s obviously too much trouble for me to get any thanks for anything, like it’s too much trouble for you to be here. It’s not like you were going to clean the damned thing.”
“You didn’t finish the job.” Nicole pointed behind her to the kitchen.
“Oh, now I’m getting in trouble for not doing stuff. First, I was doing too much and now I’m not doing enough, is that it?” Danny frowned. “What the hell do you want me to do? You want the impossible all the time.”
“I’d like you to just finish whatever
you start and since you want to act like Haydn is your sole responsibility, maybe you could take care of him.”
Danny put her hand to her chest. “Oh, now he’s my responsibility. Fuck the team thing, huh? Just like with this dishes BS. Why don’t you just finish the dishes? Oh, lemme guess, you’re too tired from school or got too much work to do. You’ll go hunker down in the library now.”
Nicole ground her teeth together. “Now I should just be happy to clean up behind you? I should take your scraps is what you’re saying? And you probably didn’t finish because you’re too busy texting with Samiyah. Why don’t you invite her over while you’re at it? I’m sure she could keep you company while I’m being a bitch for being at school and having work.”
Danny pointed at her. “Didn’t even say that, Nick. This is bullshit. You know Samiyah’s helping me a lot with the music.”
Folding her arms across her chest, Nicole scowled. “That’s the real bullshit. You don’t need help. You’re fucking brilliant, but you’re so damned scared. You don’t want to pick up that new guitar, not because it doesn’t sound like the old one, but because it means starting new, becoming someone new. You’re so terrified of turning into someone other than the goddess of rock and roll.”
Danny’s face turned red. “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m trying to be someone better for you! I’m doing this all for you. And all you do is fuck me over left and right. In fact, that’s the only way you fuck me now and you try to act like I’m the one who’s cheating.”
The world spun. Nicole licked her lips to help any words come out. “Excuse me?”
“When was the last time we had sex, Nick? Whenever I try, you’re always too tired or you don’t want to or my favorite—you fell asleep on me. But, like I said, I guess you’re getting off on other things, like fucking me over at work.”
The words were like a shot through the heart, and Nicole stepped back. “I fuck you over at work?”
“Yeah, like today. Your little lunch surprise? You distracted the crew and messed up the rehearsal.” Dane jabbed her finger in Nicole’s direction.
Nicole pointed to herself with her hands. “Really? I messed up rehearsal. I fuck things up for you. Okay, then I’m the reason you stopped doing gigs. Not fear, but me?” Is this what Danny really thinks of me? I’m fucking up her life? A traitorous voice in the back of her head dared to ask if Danny was wrong.
“I didn’t do as many gigs because I had to be here. Someone has to take care of the house.” Dane ground her teeth as she motioned around them with a sweeping arm gesture.
Nicole shook her head at this weak excuse, especially since it seemed like the truth had already come out. She was holding Danny back. “The house doesn’t need you twenty-four hours a day.”
Danny’s nostrils flared. “Do you mean you don’t need me twenty-four hours a day?”
Her eyes burned as she somehow kept tears at bay. “I didn’t say that.”
Danny sneered. “Well, now you see how it feels to have someone put words in your mouth.”
Nicole scoffed. “Do you really think I don’t know how that feels? Besides, didn’t you just basically say I’m holding you back? I got you in trouble. I fucked up your life.” Her insides felt shredded, and she wasn’t sure how she managed to stay on her feet. This was her worst nightmare.
Danny’s neck tensed, and she squared her shoulders. “There you go with more words in my mouth. I’m just telling you like it is.”
Nicole sniffled. She’s telling you like it is. You’re a stone around her neck. “You’re dodging the issues here, like you have a habit of doing.”
Danny rolled her eyes. “Oh, you mean the dishes in the sink?”
Nicole took a deep breath to keep her voice from trembling. She needed to stay on task. “I mean the fact that it’s midnight and you’re texting Samiyah when you’re perfectly capable of writing music on your own. I mean the fact that you have a perfectly good guitar in that room, but you’re too scared to touch it.”
“I wouldn’t need to touch it if your fucking cousin hadn’t smashed my good guitar against a tree!” Danny snarled. Her eyes blazed.
Nicole went ramrod straight, muscles all tensed, and acid flowed through her. Her vision blurred and narrowed to a point. That was true. Not just true, but proof she did ruin Danny’s life. Danny losing her guitar was pretty much at her feet, with blazing destruction in its wake. All caused by her. No, she hadn’t broken the guitar, but she had put Danny in the situation. She always put Danny in tough situations. She had probably even done that here. Maybe this situation was worse than it seemed, but Danny was a soldier. She always took things and kept on marching, especially when Nicole put her in harm’s way. Shit.
It really is all my fault. Everything. Danny wasn’t the storm. I am. She ruined everything for Danny. She ruined them. It was more than a broken guitar. I broke Danny. Her heart shattered in chest, turning into fine powder.
“You’re right. This is all because of me.” Tears flooded her eyes as Nicole threw up her hands. It was over. She was over. Everything inside of her was dust. “I’ve been wondering why you put up with me, but now I see why you talk to Samiyah all the time. You can’t stand to talk to me. You can’t stand me.”
“Not when you’re like this. Not when you’re impossible. I’m just trying to do right by you and you make it seem like the worst thing I’ve ever done. I’ve stood by you pushing me to my stupid fucking parents. I’ve stood by you through your family, and you just keep wanting more. And now you’re going to blow this fucking gig for me and then probably bitch me out about that, too.” Danny sucked her teeth and turned her head. “Can you just leave me the fuck alone?”
“You’re absolutely right. That’s exactly what I’ll do. I will not bother you again, never hurt you again.” She turned and fled. Why keep this up? I’m the reason every single time something goes to shit around here. I’m probably the reason every single relationship I’ve ever had failed.
“Nick,” Danny called after her.
Nicole ran off, knowing Danny wouldn’t be able to catch her. By the time Danny got upstairs, she was already in the bathroom. In the shower, she purposely let the spray hit her in the face to hide her tears.
***
“Fuck,” Dane growled from the top of the stairs and hit the wall with the side of her fist. Her knee might be better, but it was no match for two healthy ones. “Why the fuck did I say that?”
She hadn’t handled that with any sort of grace, but then again, neither had Nicole. It was like Nicole didn’t even know what she wanted from Dane. How the hell am I supposed to know, then?
“You should know not to blame Nick for every pissy thing that’s happened,” Dane said as she made her way back to the couch. She thought she’d feel better after getting all of that off her chest, but she felt like she had been impaled with a splintered stake. She was rundown and exhausted and wanted to get the show out of the way.
She wanted everything done. And, maybe everything was done. Nicole certainly sounded like she was done. Dane wouldn’t blame her if she was. And she was so messed up right now that she didn’t know if she’d lament it or celebrate it. Too many missteps and now open wounds.
“She shouldn’t be telling me what I’m scared of. What the hell does she know? She’s never been phenomenal at something and forced to quit. She’s never had this sort of pain in her life.” Dane punched the sofa cushion several times. Her eyes burned like sand was poured in them, which went well with an intense need to retch. She held it back.
Nicole didn’t know anything about what it was like to be her. Nicole didn’t even know what the hell she wanted, not out of their relationship and not out of their life. But, she wanted to tell Dane how to live her life? Who was Nicole to judge? Fuck Nicole.
Nicole, who could barely even stand to be in the same room as her, but wanted to pretend their problems were Dane’s fault. Nicole, who wanted to act like Dane’s texting was more than it was, but also didn’t wa
nt to touch her. It was obvious now Nicole didn’t really want her. Dane was worn to the point where she wouldn’t mind letting go.
Her phone vibrated, signaling Samiyah texted her again. She glanced at it and then threw the phone. She wasn’t cheating, and she wasn’t scared.
“I was fucking getting better for her. I’m being better,” Dane said, even though she didn’t feel that way at the moment. To hell with Nicole.
Chapter Sixteen
THE CAR RIDE TO work that next morning was tense, and that was being kind about it. Last night was the nuclear war and this morning was the fallout. The air was poisonous, slowly suffocating Nicole. Haydn wandered and whined between them until they left the house for the car. No freedom to be found there. The pressure felt like it might crush the car and the air was just as toxic in the car as it was in the house, eroding every inch of Nicole. Nicole glanced at Danny often, wondering if Danny felt as horrible as she did. She doubted it since Danny was on her damned phone, undoubtedly texting Samiyah.
Now, in the pit of her stomach, Nicole was afraid something could be going on with Danny and Samiyah. It hadn’t been a serious fear of hers, even though she was jealous of Samiyah getting to spend time with Danny. It was different after finding out Danny blamed her for many things in her life going wrong and her facing the fact that Danny was right. They also hadn’t had sex in quite a while and that was her fault, too. There probably was something going on between Samiyah and Danny, something to soothe the ache. Maybe nothing physical, but something emotional and possibly spiritual, considering Danny’s religion was music. She’d never be able to touch Danny on that level, not like Samiyah could. Beyond that, she feared Danny was using Samiyah as a crutch and using her new guitar as an excuse.
The more Nicole thought about it, the more she feared Danny was still traumatized by her injuries, haunted by her limitations to the point of not realizing she was boundless if she only tried. She might not say it and she tended to act normal, but now, watching her work, there was obviously something there. Danny wasn’t going to talk to her about it. Hell, Danny might never talk to her again and she wouldn’t blame Danny if that was the case. Who wanted to talk to the person that ruined her?
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