“I left because I needed to learn how to be independent! Not because I didn’t love you! I wasn’t punishing you, not like you tried to do to me at the concert the other night. I needed to prove to myself that I could be okay on my own, but you’re trying to turn that into something it’s not. You have no right bullying my friends or telling me what I should be doing. I have to get back to my dorm and check on Makayla.”
“I’ll drive you—”
“No. I’ll be fine.”
“I’m not letting you walk out that door without me, Araya. I can’t and I won’t.”
“Okay,” she finally said, and I hated how defeated she sounded. I wasn’t trying to break her down.
“All I want is to keep you safe, Hummingbird. Please know that,” I said, running my fingers down her cheek.
She nodded and I leaned over to kiss her. My fear melted when she kissed me back, but I knew our fight was still running wild through her head.
“It’s cold outside, looks like rain. I had to park down the street so I’m going to go get the car. I’ll be right back, okay?
“Okay.”
I kissed her again, wanting to say more, but I felt like it was better to give her some time.
It was time I stopped being so stupid, and it was definitely time I stopped letting Araya walk away from me. I wouldn’t let her go again.
When I walked into the living room, Sebastian was sitting on the couch. He turned toward me when he heard me come in.
“Anything good on?” I asked, motioning toward the TV.
“Not a damn thing. Over eight hundred channels and I can’t find anything worth watching.” I heard the click of the remote and the quiet hum of the TV as he turned it off.
I nervously twisted my hands in front of me. “I wanted to thank you for last night, Sebastian. I don’t know what would’ve happened if you hadn’t...”
“You knew something wasn’t right. You have good instincts.”
“It was stupid to go there. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“It’s stupid for anyone to go there, Red. Blind or not. Don’t beat yourself up for it.”
I knew I had to bring it up sooner or later, but that didn’t make it any easier.
“Did you tell Ryland I kissed you?” I swallowed hard, feeling my face flame.
He turned toward me, clearly not expecting that question. Maybe he’d figured I hadn’t been aware or I had forgotten. I wished that were the case. I felt guilty even though I knew I had no reason, but mostly, I felt embarrassed for putting that on Sebastian. I’d put him in the position of kissing me back and that made it all the more worse.
“No,” he finally said.
I just nodded. “I’ll tell him.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. You thought I was him, and you were also drugged.” I knew he was teasing, but just the mention of what happened still made me flinch on the inside. “It was nothing.”
What he said was true. Would it make it worse to tell him? It had meant nothing so was it even worth mentioning? I just wanted to put that entire night behind me and pretend it never happened.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do.” I sighed. “Either way, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t give it a second thought. I haven’t.”
Good, I thought. “I should probably go downstairs and wait for Ryland. Is it raining?”
“No, but it looks like it might. Here...”
He got up and moved around the room before coming back and handing me something. My fingers moved along the uneven edges and I realized what it was. “Won’t you need it?”
“Nah. I’m good.”
“Thank you.” I walked toward the door and pulled it open.
“Red?”
“Yeah?” I turned toward him.
“Last night could have happened to any one of those girls there. Don’t forget that, okay?”
“Thanks, Sebastian.” I walked through the door, but didn’t close it behind me. “Will you tell River thanks for me too?”
“Sure.”
“Bye, Sebastian.”
“See ya, Red.”
When we arrived at MA, Ryland said he’d wait for me while I went to talk to Mak. Seeing as how their last conversation went, I didn’t think that was a bad deal at all.
I knew exactly where I would find Makayla. Her favorite spot was this tiny stone bench in the middle of the courtyard. She liked to sit there watching the students walk by, pretending she was invisible. And to us, she practically was. Sometimes she liked to pretend she was a ninja and that’s why no one could see her. Sometimes I questioned if she was the right choice for a blind guidance counselor. I smiled to myself because despite everything, she was my best friend.
I knew how to find that bench better than I knew how to get anywhere else on the campus so I knew exactly when I reached it.
“How’d you know I’d be here?” Makayla asked. Her normal colorful tone was gone.
I sat down next to her and pulled my jacket tighter around me. It was chilly this morning and I could almost smell winter. I breathed in deeply and my body was elated by the bite in the air. I heard a slow sipping sound and knew Mak was probably nursing her own hangover.
She shifted on the stone bench and nudged me with her elbow. I turned toward her smudged shadow and then looked down. I took the cup from her outstretched hand, looking at her again.
“How’d you know I’d come?”
She shrugged and I felt the movement against my shoulder. “I didn’t. I got two off Jake, the coffee cart guy. My head really effin’ hurts. I figured yours probably does too.” She took another slow sip.
“Thanks,” I said, nudging her, and took my own deliberate sip. The liquid was hot, but it felt good going down so I took another drink. “It’s not your job to babysit me, Makayla. You didn’t do anything wrong. Ryland knows that. He’s just…” I looked away and took another drink. “Protective.”
“You’re right. It’s not my job to babysit you. It was my job to be a good friend, though, and the minute I left you, I wasn’t being one. Something horrible could’ve happened to... you, Araya.” Her voice sounded far away. “I would have never been able to live with myself if it had. He was right and that’s the only reason I didn’t tell him to go to hell.
“It was my fault. I practically dragged you to that party. I was selfish.”
“Nothing happened, Mak. It’s okay.”
We were both silent for the longest time.
“He’s right about more than that,” I finally said, staring straight ahead, and I could feel Makayla’s gaze on me. “I’ve proved to myself and to others that there is a lot I can do even though I’m blind, but now it’s time for me to be honest with myself. I can’t do everything. At some point, I have to draw a line. Everyone has boundaries, right? Everyone has a limit. There’s nothing wrong with me realizing mine.”
“You know, Araya, you’re the smartest person I know. Including myself.” She shoved me gently. “You’re stronger than anyone I know too. Don’t ever underestimate that. People will try to take that away from you because you’re blind, make you feel like you’re not, but they’re wrong.” She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Don’t be too hard on Ryland, either. Sure, I want to kick him in the balls, but he wasn’t completely wrong, and he loves you, Araya. Like, a lot.”
I looked toward her, wishing I could read her face. The entire time I had known Makayla, she’d always been so fierce and outspoken, but right now she seemed… defeated.
“Are you okay, Mak?”
“Of course. Why?” She was fidgeting. Trying to distract me or herself or both of us.
“You seem off today.”
She blew it off. “I just have a massive hangover.”
That reminded me. “Ryland says my drink was drugged with something.”
“Bartender’s special, my ass.” She took another sip and I wondered if she was actually drinking it or just using it as a distraction.
She was right. “Craze. I knew he was a creep.”
“River too.”
I frowned. “You think he was a part of it too? He seemed... nice, and he helped me. He brought me to Sebastian.”
“I don’t know. I thought I remembered seeing him last night after everything happened.”
“You probably did. He said he was going to find you.”
“He did? When?”
“After he left me with Sebastian. Did he find you? What happened to you? I was so out of it or I would have made sure they found you first.”
“I was fine. I woke up in my car. I probably stumbled out there.”
Something didn’t sound right, but the more questions I asked, the more her answer became vague.
“We should call the cops, right? Do you think they do this all the time?”
“They probably got rid of the drugs already. I’ll talk to the police, okay?”
“Are you sure everything’s okay? You’d tell me if something happened last night, right?”
“Of course,” she said quickly, but I didn’t believe her.
Her legs had been tucked underneath her and she moved, stretching them out in front of her. She was still sipping her coffee, and because I had nothing else to do, I finished mine too.
“Where is lover boy?” Mak asked.
I sighed. “I fought with him before I left. His brother, Sebastian, dropped me off. He thinks I’m pushing him away because I’m afraid he’ll see me like everyone else does. A helpless blind girl.”
“And what do you think?”
I exhaled loudly. “I think I push him away because I’m afraid he’ll treat me like a helpless blind girl. When I first met Ryland, he was the only one who treated me like I was still capable of living, of being alive. He pushed me and taught me what no one else did. He was so patient with me, never making me feel like I was slowing him down or holding him up.” I was starting to get angry with myself. “Why was I being so stupid? How could I let all these months go by and not realize what I walked away from?”
“Sometimes we think too much and we let all that negative get the best of us.”
“He just freaked me out when he started talking about quitting school and wanting to stay with me. I didn’t want him to become like Nina and Carl.”
She nodded. “He loves you, Araya. You weren’t trapping him. It’s not like you were pregnant or anything.”
Her words sparked a seed of doubt inside me. How could I have been so stupid and careless about this?
“That was a joke, Araya.”
“Yeah... right,” I said slowly and smiled.
“Oh my God, Araya, you’re not pregnant, are you? You’ve been safe, right?”
I looked at her and shook my head. “The night of the benefit. It happened so fast...”
“Just take a deep breath. That doesn’t mean you’re pregnant. Give it a week and then you can take a test. Everything will be fine.”
I nodded. “Okay.” I suddenly felt emotionally drained, but I needed to talk to him. “I have to talk to Ryland.”
“Are you going to tell him?”
“Not about that. There’s no point in us both freaking out about something that may not even be an issue.”
“See, I knew you were a smart girl.” She teased.
“First thing’s first. I have to get out of these clothes!” I made a face. “They stink.”
“Yeah, I didn’t want to tell you, but you do kind of stink.”
I pushed her with my shoulder. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Positive! Now go!” she said playfully, pushing me back.
“I’ll see you later, right?”
“Of course.”
I hated leaving and I wished I could shake the feeling that something wasn’t right, but Mak was stubborn and if she was hiding something from me, I wasn’t going to get it out of her unless she wanted me to.
“Okay.” I moved to get up but stopped to give her a quick sideways hug.
She hugged my arm and laughed. “You’re such a sap.”
“I’m glad you’re okay.”
She didn’t say anything for a few seconds. “You too.”
Walking toward my building, the air was cold against my skin and thunder rolled and exploded above me. I could smell the rain seconds before tiny drops fell on my face. Ryland was waiting for me right where I’d left him. In that moment, I knew I couldn’t keep pushing him away.
I wanted my happily ever after and I wanted it with him. I started walking toward him and I smiled when his shadow moved toward me. He swept me up into his arms. His mouth was on mine before I could say anything, and he kissed me like it was the last time.
“Kiss me like that always,” I whispered against his lips.
“Like what?”
“Like it’s the last time. I was so stupid, Ryland,” I got out between kisses. “I never should have left you. I’ll never leave you again, I promise.”
He shook his head.
“You were so good to me, Ryland. You pushed me like no one else did. I made myself feel that way. I didn’t want to ruin your life.”
He held my face between his hands, rubbing his finger over my bottom lip. “Don’t you get it, Araya? You are my life now. I meant it when I said you saved me.”
“We saved each other, Ryland. We saved each other.”
“Life is too short, Araya. I don’t want to spend it apart anymore. I’ve lost way too much time with you already. I’ve done some stupid things the last few days, but none of that matters now. All I want is you. All I’ve ever wanted was you. I just didn’t know it until I met you. If I ever made you feel... weak or... like you were holding me back, whatever... I’m so sorry!”
I shook my head, kissing him between words. “No, no, no! I was wrong, Ryland. God, I was so wrong. You see my light and you love me for my dark.”
“You couldn’t shine without your darkness, Araya. Where it truly matters, you can take care of yourself! You don’t need anyone to pick up the pieces for you. I don’t want to take care of you because you need it. I want to take care of you because I love you.”
“I love you too!” I kissed him again. “I want you to finish school, though.”
He laughed and kissed me harder. “Yes, I’ll finish school and you’ll finish school, and we’ll do it together!”
“And no more fighting—” He kissed me again, cutting me off, but it was the perfect interruption.
“I could take you up against the nearest wall and have no problem with it, but I don’t want you to get pneumonia. I plan to have a lot, and I mean a lot, of sex with you, and I need you as healthy as you can be. And I...” He growled against my neck and lifted me into his arms. My legs wrapped around his waist and he carried me toward my building. “Plan on starting right now.”
Rain beat down on the small window above my bed as I lay on Ryland’s chest, running my fingers over him.
“Was he really upset?” I asked, hopeful.
“J.D.? Oh, yeah. He doesn’t admit defeat so losing Careless and me in one day pissed him off royally.”
“Careless quit?”
“Mm-hmm.”
I sighed in relief. “Good.”
“Why’d you stay there when you knew where I was, Ryland?”
“Because I was afraid if he knew, he would take you away from me again. Don’t get me wrong, I would have spent the rest of my life trying to find you, but I couldn’t let him do that to you. He would have destroyed your beautiful soul, Hummingbird, and I would have killed him for that.”
“Don’t talk like that. You couldn’t kill anyone. Life is too valuable even for someone as dark and evil as J.D., and no one has the right to take that from someone else.”
“You keep me good, Hummingbird, but for you, I would do anything.”
“I would never ask you for anything like that so we’re good. I don’t want to spend the rest of our lives fearing him.”
“The only fear J.D. has ever m
anaged to bring out in me is when you’re concerned. He hates the fact that I chose you over him, but what he doesn’t understand is that I would have never chosen him. I won’t let him take you away again.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Ryland. I never should have left you. I know that now.”
“I’m not upset that you left, Hummingbird,” he said against my lips. “Deep down, I knew why you left. I know you needed to, but I was too blinded by my own sadness and hatred to accept it.”
“I made things worse. I wanted to feel like a whole person, to feel like I wasn’t just surviving anymore, and I did when I was with you. But I thought I needed to be on my own for it to really count, for it to matter. But the truth is I’ve never felt more alive or complete than when I’m with you.”
“You don’t need me to be a whole person. You did that on your own.”
“Because you showed me how.”
“It was a friendly reminder.”
“It changed my life.”
“And you turned mine upside down.”
I touched his cheek with my fingers and he turned to kiss the tips.
The room was darkened by the storm outside, but it was soothing and I sighed contently. My fingers brushed against something rough and uneven on Ryland’s skin and I frowned, resting on my chin.
“What is that?”
He groaned and covered his face with his hand. “That, Hummingbird, is the result of a very drunken night with my brother and the crazy things alcohol can make you do.”
I lifted on my elbow and traced the mark all the way up until I felt it end. The marks were all uneven, and I couldn’t figure out what it was.
“Did you get hurt? Did someone have something—”
“No, Hummingbird.” He chuckled, covering my hand, bringing it up to his lips, and brushing them over the back of my knuckles. “It wasn’t anything like that. It’s a tattoo.”
The Grace In Darkness Page 15
