“If that were true, you wouldn’t have gotten that call.”
“She had to call. I’m their only daughter.”
“No, she didn’t.” Cap stops talking and starts fidgeting, which is very unlike him. I pull my legs underneath myself on the couch and turn my whole body to him, giving him my full attention. I want to know what he’s so nervous about.
“Did Charlie ever talk to you about me? About us?” he asks, still fidgeting.
“Um, a little. Cappy, Charlie and I barely had any time together….,” I start, but he cuts me off.
“Andi, don’t make excuses for the fact that I was a shitty parent and my son didn’t feel the need to tell you about me. I wasn’t there for him, and I’ll regret that until my last day on this Earth. I was so focused on my career, on the men that I was in charge of, that I didn’t take the time to care for my own son. I didn’t even know about you until after the two of you were already married. Did you know he came to see me before that first deployment?”
I shake my head, and Cappy continues. “I was knocked on my ass when he showed up at my door, telling me about his feisty new wife. I told myself after he left that I would make it a point to spend some time with the two of you, get to know you. Hell, get to know the man my son grew up to be. He was virtually a stranger to me. But, I let my career get in the way. I let time get away and next thing I know, a CACO team’s at my door. It was too damn late.” He takes a few deep breaths and takes my hands in his. “I had to find you. When I found out you were alone and pregnant, I knew that my new purpose in life was to take care of you, to help you take care of the baby. My penance, if you will, for my sins against my boy.”
“Cappy, he had to have known you loved him,” I say, pulling my hands back to wipe my face.
“I know, but I can’t go back in time and make certain. You’ve been given an opportunity here. A second chance. Go to California and fix this. Am I saying that you have to go back to being one big happy family? No. But you can make peace. You don’t need to live with guilt and regret if your father doesn’t make it. That’s a heavy burden to carry. You’ve been through enough in your life and you have enough burdens to carry already without adding more.”
“I don’t want to go,” I whine.
“We all have to do things we don’t want to do, girl. It’s just a part of life. Is Miller going with you?”
I look down at my lap, twisting my wide gold wedding band around my ring finger.
“Ah, hell. What’s going on with the two of you?”
“I don’t know. He says we’re just friends, but he blew up when he saw my friend Nick over here studying. We had a huge fight and I haven’t talked to him or seen him in days.”
Cappy rolls his eyes. “If he thinks the two of you are just friends, he’s an idiot.”
I laugh, but there’s no humor behind it. “That’s just it. He won’t admit there’s more to us. I know there’s more to us. I think he’s scared to admit he has feelings for me. He’s scared of what might happen between us. He thinks he’s still in love with his ex, but he’s not. I can’t do this back and forth. It’s happening more and more. I’m getting whiplash.”
“You’re telling me about him and what he thinks and feels. What about you? How do you feel?”
I pull on my lip, scared to say anything. The only thing I can do is fight the tears that want to return.
“You just answered my question. You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
I close my eyes and lay my head back on the couch. “I don’t know. I think so, but it feels wrong.”
“Why?”
I lift my head and look at Cap.
“Andi, he’s gone. He’s not coming back. You can still love him. You have plenty of love to go around.”
“He was everything to me, Cappy,” I whisper, done with trying to fight the tears. They are falling faster than I can wipe them.
Cap gives me one of his rare, soft looks. A look that’s usually reserved for my daughter. “Of course he was everything. Loving Miller doesn’t take that away. You can let go, say goodbye to him, and you can love again.” He pulls me into his arms. “Go pack. I’ll come back in a little while to bring you to the airport.”
“Thanks. And, Cap,” I say, pulling away from him, “I’ll never be able to repay you for what you’ve done for us.”
“Trust me, it’s been my pleasure.”
More disturbing than the fact that I have to face my parents soon is the fact that I’m sitting on a plane. My anxiety level is at a ten, and I’m right on target to having a full blown panic attack before this tin can with wings ever gets in the air. Cappy offered to come with me, but I told him to stay in Fairhope. This is something I have to do alone. He knows about my fear of flying, he’s the one that told me about the circumstances surrounding my husband’s death.
When I was first approached with the option of knowing, I adamantly refused to hear any details about what happened to Charlie. I did not want to live with the knowledge that he suffered in any way before he died. But, not knowing led me to conjure up situations that were horrific. Nightmares plagued me, and my health started to suffer. After Cappy requested and received the After Actions Report and learned what actually happened, he fed me enough information to put a halt to my wild imagination and my nightmares.
Charlie’s helicopter was shot down. That’s all I would let Cappy share with me. I don’t know the where, when, how, or why. I didn’t want to know if he was killed on impact, or if he was alive when the helicopter hit the ground. I pray every night before I go to sleep that it was a quick and painless death. I didn’t watch the news for months after his death, so I wouldn’t know if anything came out about the incident on television. I had Celeste shut down all my social media accounts after his death, as well.
I’m on the brink of hyperventilating when a familiar voice pulls me from my panic. My daughter starts clapping and squealing on my lap, reaching for him.
It’s Miller, looking as weary and worn as I do.
He sits in the seat next to us, takes my daughter from my lap, and gives me a hesitant smile.
“I hope this is alright with you. I couldn’t let you go face your parents alone.”
My mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water. I haven’t even spoken to him since he left my house the night of our fight. How did he know about this?
Cappy. That sneaky son of a bitch.
He turns his attention to Charley, getting her settled in her seat. I notice his carry-on, which is filled with books, coloring books and crayons, and stickers to occupy her for the flight. He looks back to me and winks.
“Don’t worry. I have stuff for you, too.”
He pulls out Dramamine, his iPod, and a few books with a Page & Palette sticker affixed in the corner. He pats my leg affectionately and puts the books back in the bag, placing it by our feet. He keeps the iPod and the medicine out.
“Cappy came to see me after he left your house. The two of us had a long talk. I know this is going to be really difficult for you. Take a Dramamine, pop in those ear buds, and get some sleep. I’ve got Charley. You need to rest before we get there. You don’t want to be tired on top of everything else you’ll be dealing with.”
My heart seizes and my eyes burn, partly due to the kindness he’s showing me, despite what we’re going through right now, and partly due to how he looks. I can see old Miller. Miller that first showed up in Fairhope all those months ago. Miller that would throw phones against trees and get drunk and punch walls and lash out because he was hurting. I want my Miller back. My Miller doesn’t look so ragged and run down. My Miller looks happy.
I grab a few Dramamine and swallow them dry, then rest my head against the seat, avoiding his dark gaze. “Why are you doing this? I thought you were done with me.”
He rubs my cheek with his hand, holds it there for a few beats, then hesitantly drops it back in his lap. “I could never be done with you, Andrea Hope. Now, get the iPod turned on a
nd buckle up. I want you asleep before this plane even takes off. I’ll take care of Charley, I promise.”
I can feel the Dramamine starting to work its magic. I risk glancing at him before I ask my question. “Are you upset that I didn’t tell you I was leaving?”
He shakes his head and gives me a smile that doesn’t quite seem genuine. “I was hurt, but things aren’t exactly right between us. You’re not under any obligation to let me know your every move. Something’s off. We need to figure it out. But, we need to get this weekend out of the way first. We can work on us when we get back home. No more talking. Sleep.” He kisses me on the forehead, turns his attention back to my daughter, and I’m lulled to sleep by the sounds of The Avett Brothers.
Two days in California pass at nearly the same speed of two years. Seeing my parents was tough. My mother was a bit dramatic in her assessment of my father’s condition. Yes, he had a stroke, but he was by no means knocking on death’s door. He also had no idea that she had called me to come back there. I didn’t want my daughter in that sort of toxic environment, so after she met my parents, Miller took her to a nearby hotel, and I was left alone with my mother and father. Harsh words were exchanged, past hurts were aired, and we were not much better off than when I left their lives five years ago. My father is just as stubborn as he’s always been. At least have my mother is trying to mend things, so I have something I can work with. I decided to learn from Cappy, though, and push forward for some sort of relationship with them. It will never be what it once was, but that’s their loss. Will I be flying back and forth to California, begging for them to welcome me back with open arms? It’s highly unlikely. But phone calls and emails will be exchanged. Life is short and precious. I’d rather live mine with as little regret as possible.
I see very little of Miller and Charley on our trip. He stays with her at the hotel while I spend time with my parents, trying to mend our broken relationship. When I do spend time with him, it is distant, awkward, and uncomfortable. I want things to go back to normal.
When Miller drops us off after our return flight, I’m dead on my feet. These few days have been physically and emotionally exhausting. He carries Charley inside for me and helps me put her to bed. He offers to stay with me, but I decline. I need some time alone. My emotions are all over the place, and I need to be by myself to sort through them. He promises to stop by in the morning after his run and leaves.
I go into the kitchen to make something to drink when I notice a note from Cappy on the table. Underneath it is a blank envelope.
Andi,
I hope you got what you needed out of your trip. I mentioned to you that Charlie came to see me before he left the first time. When he came, he gave me this letter. He didn’t give me any specifics, but told me to give it to you if something ever happened to him. He said it wasn’t meant for you to have right away, but that I would know when the time was right. He called me before each deployment. He always told me to go to you if something happened to him, and he always reminded me about this letter. Told me I would know when you needed his words. Based on recent conversations with both you and Miller, and my fatherly instinct, I think now’s the time for this letter. Call me if you need me.
Cappy
Cappy’s note slips out of my hand. I stare at the envelope on the table. I’m terrified and thrilled, all at the same time. I have countless letters and emails from him. I have each and every one of them memorized. I could probably recite them all on command. But here are new words. I have never seen these. I have no idea what the pages contain. My trembling hands can barely pick up the envelope off the table. It takes several attempts for my fingers to rip open the seal. I can’t read it for several minutes. I can’t make out the words through the tears. I hold it to my chest and sob uncontrollably, laying my head on the table so I don’t mar the words with my wetness of my tears.
Chapter Twenty-six
Andi
My Dear Red,
Today was the best day of my life. Apart from the day I first laid eyes on you, I’ve never felt happier. I just spent the night making love to you over and over. I can’t believe you’re my wife. I knew it would happen- you told me it would before I even knew your name, but it just seems too good to be true. I guess that’s what makes writing this so hard. I shouldn’t have to do this. Not when I see you across the room, curled around my pillow sleeping, waiting for me to come back to bed and join you. But, I’m doing this because I love you.
I’ve known my whole life that I was meant to serve my country. I don’t know if it was an innate feeling, or if it was my Pop’s influence, but I can’t remember ever feeling pulled to do anything else with my life. It was never a question, never a doubt. This was always the life I was meant to have. But, Goddamn it, Red, you made me doubt every decision I’ve ever made when you walked out of that bathroom and ran into me, spouting off your nonsense about marrying me. In that split second, I questioned my decision for the first time in my life. I was terrified at the thought of having to leave you one day to go do the job I had already committed to doing. I was horrified at the possibility of being torn from your life, never to return. I knew you were right, Andi. I felt it. Crazy, I know, but I felt it down to my bones. I was going to make you my wife. I never doubted your drunken ramblings for a second.
There are no guarantees in life. My deployment is inevitable. I will be sent away to do the most difficult and dangerous of jobs. Each time I leave you, it may be the last time we see each other. I need you to know that I love you more than my own life, and that I will do everything I can to make my way back to you. If I can’t come back, I need to know that you will be alright. You are young, beautiful, smart, feisty, resilient, and incredible. I hope like hell that I will be with you until we are both old and gray, swinging on our front porch, dozens of grandkids running around our yard. But, if that’s not the case, I hope that you will not spend the rest of your young life mourning me. You have so much to offer. You are a gift, Red, something to cherish and love. Give yourself to someone who is worthy of you. It’s alright to let yourself fall in love again. I don’t want you to be alone. I need to know that you will be taken care of. You can make room in your heart for someone else if something happens to me.
I hope this letter never sees the light of day. I’m giving it to my Pop before I have to leave you the first time. I hope to God he never has to give it to you. But, if he does, know that I love you something fierce. I always will, even in death. You can be sure that when it’s my time to go, I will leave this world with thoughts of you…
Your husband,
Charlie
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Miller
As much as I needed it, sleep never came last night. I ran to the point of exhaustion after I dropped off Andi, but it didn’t help. I talked with Goose on the phone long into the night, but I still never managed to drift off to sleep. I tried drinking a glass of bourbon, but even that didn’t help.
I can feel something changing between Andi and I. Things have been off. The fight we had certainly didn’t help, but my feelings aren’t just because of that one isolated incident. This change has been coming, it’s been building now for a few weeks. I’m terrified of what’s about to happen to us, even though I don’t know what it is. Maybe that’s what’s so scary about it. The unknown can be a terrifying thing.
I can tell she’s holding something back from me. I don’t know if she’s trying to end things or push me for more. Either way, it scares the shit out of me. I want to go back to how we were when this whole thing started, back when we were simple. It was fun, easy, and carefree. I need that back. I don’t think I can go on much longer how we are. I don’t think she can, either. One of us is bound to break soon.
A knock pulls me from my musings. I glance at my clock, noticing it’s five in the morning. It can only be Cappy or Andi, and I have a sneaking suspicion it’s Andi.
I open the door and see her, still in the same clothes from the airport, bags
under her eyes, tear stains down her face, hair wild, and an envelope clutched to her chest. I grab her and pull her to me, but she pushes away, shaking her head.
“What’s wrong? Where’s Charley?”
“Celeste has her. I need to talk to you,” she tells me, running her thumbs back and forth along the wrinkled envelope. She looks like she’s in a trance. She’s scaring the hell out of me.
“What is that?” I ask, pointing to the envelope.
“It’s from my husband. He wrote it on our wedding night. Cappy left it for me when we were in California.” Her focus is on the letter. She’s speaking to me, but she’s staring at that letter.
“Andi, talk to me. Is that what’s got you so upset?”
“This is why I’m here,” she says, waving the envelope at me and pacing back and forth. “I was up all night at the fields, reading this, thinking about my life, about us, and we need to sort out some things.”
“Let’s get in bed and get some rest. We can talk after we sleep.” I reach for her hand to pull her to the bed, but she yanks it back.
“I can’t. We have to talk about this right now.” She looks up at me with blood-shot eyes, holding up the envelope.
“I’m listening.”
“I love you, Miller.”
I take a step back, feeling like I just got sucker-punched. That wasn’t what I was expecting, especially after her coming to me with a letter from her dead husband.
“What?” I breathe out.
“I’m in love with you. I’ve known for a while, but was too scared to admit it, to myself or to you.”
I shake my head back and forth, pulling my hands through my hair. “You can’t say those things to me. We agreed, Andi. No hearts and no mess.”
Her eyes start blazing, a fire building, along with her temper. “I never agreed to that. You said it, Miller, not me. And guess what? Hearts are messy. They aren’t cute, neatly cut-out little pieces of construction paper that you give out to people. They are bloody, slippery, squishy, and messy as fuck. I’m sorry if my heart got involved. How did you expect it not to? This went way past us just sleeping together. You became infused into every aspect of my life.” Her voice makes the transition from anger to defeat in a single breath. She fights back tears and lets the words keep coming. Words that are hurting me. Each one is like a hot poker to my gut. “I love you, Miller. I can’t help it. I didn’t want this. I fought you, time and time again, but you burrowed your way into my bloody, messy, beating heart and I can’t get you out. You’re stuck, even if I don’t want you there.”
The Promise of More: The Home Series, Book Three Page 19
