So take my hand
Take me away
Don't want to wonder what we shoulda coulda been
A perfect fit
A big mistake
Doesn't matter I have to know either way
Each heart is read until my tears threaten to make the ink fade away. Each heart is pinned to my bedroom wall, the words written on each heart branded on my soul. They’re not his words, but the song is us. He’s telling our story through these lyrics that may as well have been penned for us. He’s showing me his love with these silly construction paper hearts. Each heart is a piece of Miller that he’s giving to me. I want any piece of him I can have. I just want him. These hearts must mean that he’s coming back to me. He has to come back to me.
I wanna love you
You make it so hard not to love you
I feel my heart come undone
I feel my heart come undone
Those little construction paper hearts become my life force. They keep me going. They keep me sane. They give me hope that Miller will make his way back to me. Much like I manically checked the inbox of my computer during Charlie’s deployments, I’m constantly at the mailbox, checking for Miller’s construction paper hearts. Charley and I are walking out front to check the mail one afternoon when she wiggles out of my arms and starts running towards the road. I scream her name, taking off behind her, when I hear Miller’s name escape her mouth, coupled with her giggles. My head snaps up and I turn to look further down the street in the direction she’s headed.
There he is, walking towards the house, exactly like he’s done hundreds of times before.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Miller
We lock eyes and I can’t move. I have her daughter in my arms and my feet are cemented to the pavement. Charley is saying something to me, but I can’t process her words. She pushes on me so I’ll put her back down and pulls on my hand, but I’m too damn scared to walk toward Andi. She’s not making any attempts to walk towards me, either. A thousand different emotions are playing out across her beautiful face. I hope she’ll decide on one that won’t destroy me.
I hear a car slowing down behind me. I assume it’s Celeste, ready to lay into me for what I’ve put Andi through these past few weeks, but her friend Kellyn pulls into the driveway. Charley makes her way to the car as soon as it’s parked. The presence of Kellyn and her daughter pull Andi out of her daze, breaking our stare-off. She holds up a finger to her friend, silently asking her to give us a minute, and makes her way towards me. I hold my breath and brace for what’s about to happen. I have no idea what kind of reaction I’m going to get from her. Not calling her for the last few weeks probably wasn’t the best idea.
She finally gets to me. I want her to hug me, kiss me, hell, she can even hit me, she can do anything, but she just stops in front of my body. I lift my hand slightly to reach for her, but change my mind and drop it at the last second. I don’t know if she wants my touch. She grabs the hand I dropped and rubs her thumb along the inside of my palm. I can feel it travel through my entire body, shocking my system and bringing me back to life. I’ve been dead for the last two weeks.
Fuck it. I yank her into my body, wrapping my arms around her and burying my head into her shoulder, breathing her in.
“I’m so damn sorry, Andi. I never should have left.”
Her body shudders at my words and she pulls away from me. “I have to go,” she says, her voice tight, nodding her head towards Kellyn. “We have class, and then I have to work.”
I want to beg her to stay, but that’s not fair. I have no right to ask that of her after the stunt I pulled.
“I have so much to say to you. Can we go to the fields tonight?” I’ll die if she denies me.
She gives me the first smile I see from her since I got here, and a nod to go with it.
My forehead falls against hers and I close my eyes. I don’t want her to see me struggling to fight off the wave of tears threatening to make an appearance. I can’t believe she’s making this so easy on me.
Maybe she’s not. Maybe she’s being agreeable so she can leave for class. She might be saving her anger for later. I need to make sure she knows how I feel before she leaves. She needs something to think about before we meet tonight.
I lift my forehead from hers, but keep my head low. Placing her face in my hands, I tilt her chin upwards to make sure I have her eyes on me. I need her full attention. She grabs onto my arms and her breath becomes shallow.
“I love you, Andrea Hope. I’m back, and I’m not leaving you. I was an idiot for walking away from you. I’ll never leave you like that again. I have so much more to tell you, but I’ll save it for tonight.”
Her green eyes are glassy, tears causing them to shine in the sunlight. A single tear falls, and I move my thumb to wipe it away. She closes her eyes and leans into my touch, her movement causing more tears to fall.
God, all I want to do is kiss her. I lean in slowly, barely pushing my lips against hers. She makes a noise, an aching whimper, part pleasure and part pain, and I deepen the kiss. I need her to know that I mean what I said. I love her. I wrap my arms around her and kiss her like I’ve never kissed her before. This is the most important kiss we’ve ever shared. She’s pulling at my hair, urging me closer, trying to push me even deeper into her mouth, and I can feel the wetness from her tears against our dueling lips. At this point, though, I can’t be sure if they’re her tears or mine that are falling against our mouths. I can’t believe she’s back in my arms. I’ll never put us through this kind of torture or pain again.
She pulls away suddenly, breathing heavily, wiping at her tear-stained face. Her cheeks are blazing, her lips are puffy, and her eyes are swollen and red.
“I have to go,” she whispers, looking back to the car, where Kellyn is patiently leaning against the car, taking in our reunion with a smile across her face. “We can’t be late.”
“Tonight?” I ask, hoping she hasn’t changed her mind. How could she, after that kiss?
“I’ll call you when I’m done at the bar,” she says, walking towards the car.
I want to tell her to just walk upstairs and get me, but I don’t know if I even have a place to stay anymore. I have to go make my peace with Cappy.
Long after I watch Kellyn pull away, I start to walk back towards The Shipyard. When I parked my truck there earlier, my main focus was to get to Andi. I never took into consideration that I may not have a home there anymore. Cappy is very protective of Andi. He may not appreciate the fact that I up and left her, or the fact that one of his employees up and left town without saying anything.
When I get to the pier, I can see Cappy leaning against the railing, fishing pole in hand. When he sees me coming, he puts the pole down and heads inside. I don’t know if this is an invitation to follow him or not, but I need to clear the air with him. There’s a beer waiting for me on the bar when I step inside, so I take that as a good sign.
“I was wondering how long it would take you to get your shit together and come back here,” he says before taking a pull from his bottle of beer.
“I’m sorry, Cap.”
“I’m not the one who should be getting an apology from you. You did a number on my girl. I hope this wasn’t your first stop.”
I feel like I’m eight years old again and being scolded by Thomas. There was never any screaming, but the obvious disappointment was enough to keep me from fucking up again for a while. My own parents never bothered with discipline or talks concerning right and wrong. They never knew when I did anything wrong. You actually had to be around to know if your kid got in trouble.
I shake my head. “I just left her house. She has class right now, then a shift here. I’m working on redemption, but it will have to wait until the bar closes.” I inhale, running my hand through my hair, trying to figure out how to explain to this man why I had to go. He puts his hand on my shoulder, stopping me from talking.
“I don’t need to hear any expla
nations from you. I know you had your reasons. I’m assuming they had more to do with you and your issues than with Andi. I think you had some unfinished business back home to tend to. Business that led you to Fairhope in the first place. I’m also assuming that you got it taken care of or you wouldn’t be back here. I only care that you fix things between the two of you and that you don’t hurt her like that again. That is something that I will not tolerate from anyone.”
“I’m not leaving her again, Cap. It was a dick move, but it was something I had to do. I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I love Andi. This is my home now.” I notice that he’s relaxed since we started talking. That’s a good sign. “I’m hoping that I still have a job and a place to stay?” It comes out more as a question that a statement.
“Of course, son. I’ll give you one day to get sorted, then you’re back on rotation behind the bar. Welcome home,” he says, tapping his beer bottle to mine.
I’ll drink to that.
Cappy and I finish our beers and decide to have a few more while he catches me up on the latest gossip from Fairhope. I head upstairs and crash, the adrenaline that was coursing through my veins from my reunion with Andi having burned off. When I wake up, I’m grateful that several hours have passed. I’m dying to go to Andi, but I don’t want to smother her. She said she’d call me, so I’m trying to respect her wishes. I nuke a frozen dinner and take a shower, ready to crawl out of my skin at the thought of going to the field with her.
Finally, when I don’t think I can take it any longer, I hear a faint knock at the door. I cross my tiny apartment and open the door, coming face to face with the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.
“Ready?” she asks, her fingers moving to tug at her bottom lip as soon as she gets the word out.
“Ready,” I answer back, moving her hand away and replacing her fingers with my lips. I give her a soft kiss, right on the spot she was tugging, dying to deepen it, but I don’t.
I keep her hand in mine and lead her down the stairs. We don’t speak as we make our way to my truck. I smile when we reach it- she’s got the bed of the truck loaded down with blankets, a few pillows, and a basket.
She doesn’t say anything on the drive over to the fields, but keeps herself firmly planted by my side. I’ll take that. I’ll take anything she’s willing to give me at this point. When we get to the gate, I turn the lights off and drive through the opening and along the fence line, taking us to our favorite spot towards the back of the fields. We’ve been here countless times; I could make this drive in my sleep. Before I can shut off the ignition, Andi’s out of the truck and in the bed, getting it set up.
I lean against the side of the truck, watching her work. I can’t believe that we’re back here. I can’t believe that I risked this because I was too stupid to see what I had…the love of this amazing, caring, loving, feisty woman.
She stops working, aware that I’m staring. I make my way to the tailgate and hop into the back of my truck. She’s got a cozy little nest set up for us, blankets and pillows to cushion our bodies and ward off the chill from the night air. I prop a few pillows against the back of the truck and get settled, motioning for Andi to join me. Once she’s where she belongs and I’ve got the blankets around us, I try to give her an explanation that will sufficiently explain why I had to leave.
“I didn’t want to leave you. I regretted it before I even got in my truck and drove away. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had to do it. When I left home all those months ago, I left my life there in shambles. Nothing was resolved, relationships were ruined, and I just ran. I had to fix them. How could I give myself to you if I was still so broken from the past?”
I can feel her tensing in my arms. Shit. She’s trying to push away from me, but I tighten my grip on her and keep going.
“I got in my truck and just drove. I went straight to Lucy and Bennett’s. I knew I had to start there. I took one look at Lucy and it hit me with such clarity, Andi. I am not in love with Lucy. She’s my best friend. That’s all she was ever meant to be. I understand what she meant all those times she would try to explain it to me. She loves me, but her love for Bennett is a different kind of love. It doesn’t even compare. I didn’t understand it because I’d never experienced it. I’m experiencing it now, Andi. I love you. I love you so much it hurts me. I causes physical pain sometimes. I’ve had a perpetual ache in my chest because of what I’ve put you through. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.”
She’s crying and shaking her head.
“Do you not want this?”
“No, I do,” she cries.
“I had to fix me and Lucy. I fucked that up pretty bad. We’re better.” I laugh at my next thought. “Oddly enough, I think Bennett and I are friends now.”
She laughs, too. “I like Bennett.”
“I had to take a lot of shit from Bennett about those hearts I sent you.”
Her eyes get soft. “I love those hearts,” she whispers. “I love your heart.”
“Every single word you said to me that morning I left was right. I don’t know how I thought we could have kept emotions and feelings out of this. You are so deep inside my heart, Andi, but I don’t care. That’s where I want you. I don’t want you to find your way out. I love having you there. I love you.”
“I love you, Miller,” she says, moving to sit on my lap.
“I want to build a life with you.” She tries to kiss me, but I stop her. I need to finish. “This is me giving you the promise of more. You can have more. You can have it all, as long as I get the same in return.”
Her eyes are wet, and her voice is trembling. “When we started this, you told me I could give you everything, or I could give you nothing. I’m giving you everything.”
She tries to kiss me again, but I stop her once more, causing her to groan in frustration.
“Can I be your boyfriend now?” I ask.
She laughs, falling against my lips. “You can call yourself whatever you want, as long as I can kiss you. I’m dying here, Miller.”
Her hands are at my face, but her touch feels off. I grab her hands, noticing for the first time today that the familiar coolness of her wedding band against my skin is gone. I rub my thumb over her naked ring finger and search her eyes. She looks down, her cheeks turning pink.
“Where’s your ring, Andi?” I ask. I’ve never seen her take it off.
“I took it off,” she whispers.
I move my hands from hers to her face. “Why? I would never ask you to do that, and I don’t expect you to.”
“It was time.” She gives me a sad smile. “He said it was okay to let him go. He gave me permission to love you.”
I can feel my brow wrinkling in confusion, unsure of what she’s talking about. Then my mind flashes back to the morning I left, Andi manic, waving the letter around.
“The letter?” I ask.
She nods.
“Andi, I don’t want you to...,” I start, but she stops me, shaking her head.
“I’ll always love him. I don’t know how to stop. But, I love you. I can love you both. It’s a different kind of love. My love for him is a thing of the past. You are my present, and you are my future. His ring is tucked away with his pins, his letters, and his pictures. That’s where it needs to be. It’s time for me to let him go.”
She’s so strong it knocks the wind out of me. I’ve never met someone as strong as this woman in my arms.
“You can kiss me now,” I tell her, wiping a stray tear from her rosy cheek.
She kisses me, but I quickly take over. Cradling her head in my hands, I push her off my lap and on her back, pushing myself on top of her.
“I meant every word I wrote on those hearts, Andi. I know they weren’t my words to give, but they’re us. I knew it the second that song started playing that night. It scared the hell out of me. I’m not scared anymore. I want us more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.”
“Then take me,�
�� she says, that fire I’ve come to know so well raging in her eyes.
She doesn’t have to ask again. I get to work, my hands and mouth working in tandem to remove every stitch of clothing from her body. I make quick work of getting mine off and slide back under the blankets with her, our skin blazing, despite the chill in the air.
I don’t have the patience to go slow with Andi right now. I need to be inside her. It’s been too long. Before I can reach for her, she’s got me pushed on my back and she’s positioning herself on me. She sinks down on me with a groan and I close my eyes, taking a second to compose myself or this will last about three seconds. She feels like heaven. I sit up and scoot against the back of my truck so I can be closer to her. I want our chests touching. I want to have her mouth on me. I want to look into her eyes while I make love to her. I cock my knees up and dig my heels into the truck, while wrapping her legs around my waist. She throws her head back at the movement and she falters, lost in the overwhelming feelings our bodies are creating. I grab the back of her neck and kiss her, my mouth setting the pace for how I want her body to move. She rips her mouth away from mine, stares into my eyes, and starts to move. I grab her hips and pump her up and down, pushing her at an angle I know will cause an orgasm to rip through her at record speed. She grabs my shoulders and closes her eyes, unable to do anything but move and feel. I can feel the tingling building at the base of my spine, so I start to move my hips with her, meeting her thrust for thrust, grinding harder into her. She’s tightening around me, her walls squeezing me. I move one of my hands from her hip to her face, prompting her to open her eyes.
“I love you, baby. I want this with you, forever.”
At my words, orgasms explode from both of us. We ride them out, animalistic sounds drifting from the bed of my truck into the quiet of the field. She falls against my chest, heaving, peppering my skin with tiny kisses.
The Promise of More: The Home Series, Book Three Page 21
