We stared at one another. In the past, I had a hard time maintaining my position with him. It was all part of the shit I was wrapped up in, all the guilt, and the worry, and my entire life. I felt guilty for being gay, and then guilty for not being open about who I was, and guilty for subjecting someone else to it—the past months with Declan had forced me to see that.
And it was all wrapped up in how I let things go on between Graham and me.
But no more.
“I can see you have some things you need to sort out,” he gave Declan an up-and-down glance. “We can continue this conversation later.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” I said, my patience gone. “There’s nothing left for us to discuss. Please don’t come by again. We’re done. You know the way out,” I said.
“I should. I lived here,” he snapped back, and walked out of the kitchen past Declan. A moment later, I heard the front door close.
I met Declan’s eyes. There was a decidedly neutral expression on his face.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “No one should have to see that.”
“Was he always like that?”
I went to the table and sat down. Dealing with Graham made me tired all of a sudden. “I want to say no, because I never saw it. But I think he was.” I gave him a half-smile. “I just didn’t see it.”
He set down his bags and came over to me, putting his arms around me. “We all have relationships that we realize weren’t a good idea.”
“Yeah, but is yours going to march up to your house and stir shit?”
He sighed. “You never know.”
“How’s your dad?” I turned around to give him a one-armed hug. “I didn’t think you were coming home this week.”
“I had to come back for some work stuff. So I told my mom I’d fly back Wednesday night. It’s been hard. I feel like we’re on a death watch, and I’m the only one. My mom knows, I think.”
“Is your dad awake?”
He rested his head on my shoulder, and I could feel the weariness on him. “Sometimes. He falls asleep a lot, like in mid-sentence. And I don’t think he’s all there when he is awake.”
“I’m sorry,” I said again.
“There’s nothing you or me or anyone else can do. I just have to get through it. I’m supposed to meet with his attorney when I get back. That will be fun,” he sighed. He stood up and pulled me up from the chair. “But enough of that. Let’s say hello the right way.”
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. I kissed him back, letting all the things I’d been feeling since he’d left, and all the awareness that had come to me flow into it. I wanted him to know how much I felt for him.
It was like kissing a dream.
“You are so damn sexy, but I’m about to fall down. Will you boot me if I say I’d love to take a shower, and then just lay down with you?”
What I wanted was to strip him naked and stay up all night, but I could hear how tired he was. “I won’t boot you, but I will need a moment to manage my raging attraction to you,” I said, pulling him closer. You know, just so he could be assured of said raging attraction.
“What if I promise to make it up to you?”
“Then,” I said, kissing him once more, “You have a deal. My shower is yours.”
He held me and I felt something new, and wonderful, pass between us.
As he let go of me and picked up his bag, heading for my bathroom, I watched him.
Was this love?
20
The question floored me. Was it? I’d fallen in love with Graham over time. There was a lot of flirting, of back and forth. It had taken a while for us to finally tell one another how we felt. Looking back, it was one more way that he played the control in our relationship.
That made me sad to think the most significant love relationship I’d ever had was nothing that I’d thought it was.
However, it led me to Declan. Or rather, to be able to appreciate Declan. So perhaps all the bullshit was worth it.
I was so happy that he didn’t go all ape shit and start a huge fight about Graham being here. I was expecting all kinds of drama, but there was none. He asked what happened, I told him, and he believed me. This was how things were supposed to be. I went upstairs and laid in my bed, waiting for him to shower. As I listened to the water in the other room, another sound came through.
It sounded like… I sat up. Got up quietly and went to the bathroom door.
Declan was crying.
My heart nearly broke listening to him. I walked back to the bed and laid down. All I wanted to do was rush in and comfort him, but there was something to be said for being able to grieve privately. I wasn’t going to take that away from him.
He came out about ten minutes later. The steam rose off him as he dried his hair with a towel. He looked good enough to… well, do a lot of things to.
Easy, I told myself. Don’t be that guy.
“Can I stay with you tonight?” He asked.
“Like you even have to ask.”
The small smile that elicited pushed me further into the broken heart category.
“Come here with me.” I held out an arm.
“I’ll be there in a minute.” He went back into the bathroom. When he came out, he was wearing boxers, and he crawled into bed with me, resting his head on my shoulder.
When we’d met, I’d needed the shoulder. It felt good to be someone who another person would lean on. To be the shoulder.
“You want to talk?” I asked.
“No, if that’s all right,” Declan said.
“No worries,” I said. “I’m just trying to make you comfortable.”
“I missed this. I missed you,” he said.
“I missed you, too.”
Declan didn’t speak again. I could hear his breathing relax, and as I listened to it, I fell asleep with him.
Sasha!”
I woke up, heart racing. Declan was sitting up in bed next to me, his eyes wide.
“Sasha!” He said again.
“Declan, are you okay?” I put a hand on his arm.
He jumped as though he’d been shot.
“What… where am I?” He turned wide eyes to me.
“It’s me, Declan. Bryant. Everything’s okay.”
“As long as she’s safe,” he said. He lay back down, and within a few moments, was asleep again.
What in the name of hell had that been about? It took me a long time to fall back to sleep.
The next morning, when I woke, Declan was gone. I got up to see if he’d just gotten up before me. But his bags were gone. I looked around, and he hadn’t left a note.
If he hadn’t woken up in a cold fear the night before, I wouldn’t feel a thread of unease, but since he had, I did.
I sighed. No use in making something more than it was. I got ready for work and headed in early.
Mid-afternoon, Declan called.
“Hey,” I said. “How are you?”
“Up to my ass,” he said. “Sorry I left so early. I couldn’t sleep.”
I waited to see if he’d mention the fact he’d woken up in the middle of the night, but he didn’t.
“You want to get together tonight?”
He sighed. “I do, but I’m not sure when I’ll be done. How about tomorrow?”
I was disappointed, but I understood. “Sure. Come over for dinner.”
“I’d like that,” his voice was warm, and it was the Declan I knew.
“All right. Just text when you’re on your way.” I didn’t really want to leave things until I saw him tomorrow, but I also didn’t want to be the clingy boyfriend, all about me when he had a lot on his plate.
Declan surprised me the next night, because he got out of work before I did, and we spent a great evening together.
I told him about going out with the basketball guys, and he laughed. “I’m proud of you, Bry! I know that’s not your comfort zone.”
I laughed with him. “No, it’s not, but I decided that I didn�
��t want to just sit home.”
“Good. You need to get out more.”
“I agree.” I kissed him. “Thanks for making me join you.”
“It is my pleasure. Even though it’s part of my grand plan to lure you in,” he said, kissing my ear.
“It’s working.”
“Is it?” He murmured. “How about you show much just how well it’s working?”
“Why don’t you follow me?” I said. I stood, pulling his hand.
“I could almost think you planned this,” he said, grinning.
“Yeah, like twelve seconds ago. But it’s a good plan, isn’t it?”
We made love all night long. I’d never laughed so much with another person, not even Tib. His intensity made me gasp, and the tender way he looked at me was something I’d never thought I’d experience.
It was glorious.
I had a sneaking feeling that yes, in fact this was very much love.
The next morning, we lingered over saying goodbye.
“I have to catch my flight right after work,” he said in between kisses.
“When do you think you’ll be back?” I asked.
“It depends.”
I knew what that meant.
“I hope everything goes well, I mean, as well as it can,” I amended.
“Thanks, Bry. And thanks for being here for me. It means more than you know.”
“I’m here,” I said. “Take your time.”
“Thank you,” he kissed me again, and I felt my knees melt, my entire being dissolve at his touch.
Even the simple act of a kiss had become glorious.
Yeah, it was love.
Three more days passed. I played basketball on Wednesday and made plans to join them for beers again on Saturday. But first, I had to go to brunch with Tibby and Seth, and caught them up on all the doings in my life. Not that I minded. Tibby was a constant in my life and I’d been neglecting her outside of work.
“I cannot believe that Graham just showed up. What an asshole. He’s totally like herpes,” Tibby said.
“Yeah, he tried to play it off on the whole cheating thing.”
“Well, you know the truth. And fuck him. How’s Declan?”
“I haven’t talked to him much. I get the impression his mom is as tough as his dad, for different reasons.”
“Where’s he from?” Seth asked.
“Indiana,” I said. “Kokomo, actually.”
“Did you sing the song when you heard that?” Tibby asked.
Seth and I looked at her.
“What? It’s the first thing that came to my head. Your parents didn’t listen to the Beach Boys?”
Both of us shook our heads.
“Explains a lot,” she said, taking a drink of her coffee.
“Okay, whatever, weirdo,” I said. “It sounds like there’s a lot going on that he hasn’t told me, but even though I want to know, I get it. No one wants to spill all their family shit.”
“I totally get that,” Tibby said.
“Well, you do have an interesting family,” Seth said.
“Look, your family is practically a fifties sitcom,” Tibby said. “I didn’t grow up like that. I didn’t want you to meet them and think this was your future. So I get why people might keep some family dirt to themselves.”
“It makes sense. I just wish things didn’t feel out of whack.”
“What do you mean?” Tibby asked.
“Ever since he came in and found Graham in my place, it’s felt like there’s a distance between us.”
“I can’t imagine he’s worried about Graham,” Tibby said immediately.
Seth looked at her, smiling. “And why is that, oh guru?”
“Have you seen Declan? I mean, we did meet the same guy, right?” She shook her head. “Holy shit. That guy is beautiful. Graham’s good looking, but next to Declan? No comparison. Declan is a thing of beauty. And Graham’s a shitty person.”
“A thing of beauty?” Seth asked. “I’m right here.”
“Whatever,” she waved a hand at him.
“He is a thing of beauty,” I said to Seth. “I have to agree with her.”
“You’re not supposed to take her side anymore,” Seth complained. “It’s you and me against the machine, man!”
We all laughed.
Tibby said, “It’s fine, Bry. His dad is dying. Sounds like his mom isn’t accepting it. And who knows what else is going on? Just try to relax. You’ve been doing such a good job up until now. Don’t backslide!”
It felt good to just hang out with them. I felt better, too, about my worries. Tib was right. I couldn’t ask a lot when he was up to his eyeballs in family stuff.
My feeling of well-being continued when I met the guys Saturday night. They asked about Declan, and I told them a little, and then we moved on.
I got up Sunday and went running. It had been a great week. I felt badly that Declan was dealing with so much sadness, and I decided that I’d call him when I got back.
But I got distracted, and made myself a late breakfast, and then cleaned up. All the chores I’d been ignoring for the last week demanded attention as well. By the time I looked at the clock, it was after one.
I wanted to call him before it got too late. Maybe he’d be at lunch, where he could talk. There were no cells allowed on the floor where his dad was staying.
Grabbing my phone, I settled into the couch, and then called him. For fun, I hit the ‘video’ button. I really wanted to see him.
When he picked up, he hit the video option as well, and he was walking.
“Hey, you,” I said. “I hope I’m not interrupting.”
“No, I’m having lunch with… with family,” he said. He glanced over his shoulder as he walked into a room and closed the door.
“Oh, well I won’t keep you then,” I said, feeling guilty.
“No, it’s good to see you,” he said, and while there was something on his face that I couldn’t interpret, he did look glad to see me.
“How’s your dad?”
He sighed. “It’s only a matter of time. Like, a few days at the most. My mom is still there, but I had to leave for a couple of things today, so we’re—I’m having some lunch before… I go back.”
“I am so sorry.”
He shrugged. “I feel bad for my mom. This is going to be really hard on her. I think she’s finally accepting it, but not gracefully.”
“How’d the talk with the lawyer go?” I asked.
Whatever he was going to say was lost as the door behind him burst open.
A little girl with dark hair in pigtails flew in.
A dark-haired woman was right behind her.
“I’m sorry,” she said to Declan. “She got away from me. Come on, honey, let’s leave Daddy alone.”
The little girl tried to wriggle away from the woman’s arms, and the woman said, “Sasha! Daddy’s working. Come on.” She shot Declan, and me, an apologetic look. Sorry, she mouthed. She hurried back out, shutting the door behind her.
Declan turned back to the phone and there was fear on his face. “Bryant…”
“Daddy?” I asked.
He sighed, defeat and ten years settling across his face. “Yes. She—”
I held up a hand. “I don’t want to hear it, Declan. Not right now. I need to go.”
“No, Bryant, let me explain!”
“No.”
I clicked the red button, ending the call. I put my phone on mute and then went and laid down in bed.
How in the fuck had this happened again? What was wrong with me?
21
The sun went behind the clouds in the window. I’d been lying in bed since the call with Declan. I assumed he called, but since I’d left my phone on mute, and not looked at it once—a testament to my willpower, or my despair, I wasn’t sure which—I had no idea.
Daddy.
The little girl—Sasha—had called him daddy.
And who was the woman? Presumably his wife.
He was married.
Married would have been bad enough, but he was married to a woman.
And all that talk about honesty.
What the fuck? What the actual fuck?
I didn’t know what to think. Except that I’d fallen for a bunch of shit again. It pissed me off to no end.
Just when I’d admitted to myself that I’d fallen in love. And that hurt. I could feel a couple of tears leak out of the corner of my eyes, but more than anything, I was pissed.
Even though part of me was seething with anger at being lied to again, the other part of me was just worn out. I didn’t want to move from where I was.
So I went to sleep.
Maybe this would all be better in the morning.
I rolled over and willed myself to sleep. If I slept, I didn’t have to think, or feel.
Which was fine with me.
The next morning, I called Tibby early, before she left for work.
“I’m not coming in today,” I said.
“What’s wrong?” She asked.
“Worst day I’ve had in a long time,” I said. “I’m a damn mess, and I need a sick day.”
“Well, you never take any, so have at it.”
Tibby was a good friend—she knew to leave me be. I’d tell her eventually, but I couldn’t tell her now. I just couldn’t.
“Thanks, Tib. I’m sorry for the last minute—”
“Stop right there. It’s fine. We’ll be fine. You take whatever time you need, and I’ll be here if you need anything.”
“Thanks.” I said.
About two hours after I talked to her, the doorbell rang. I shuffled down the stairs, and there was a delivery guy.
“Bryant Higgs?”
“Yes.”
“Here you go,” he said, handing me a box that was warm. “Have a great day!”
I went back to the kitchen and opened the box.
Strawberries and cream pancakes from Uprising Muffins. I smiled. This was all Tibby. It was one of our favorite breakfast places.
Food held no interest for me until right this moment, smelling those pancakes. I sat down and ate every bit.
I texted her after I finished.
You are the best friend evah. Love you.
Hidden Wishes Page 16
