by Tiana Laveen
With a soft nudge of his knee, he pried her thighs farther apart and entered her. Her gasp at his intrusion made his heart race. The helpless look in her eyes enticed him and as her body jeered from his hard, lustful thrusts, they drowned in each other’s kiss. Squelching her screams, he swallowed her voice. He longed for her touch and she for his, and their addictive need of one another climbed in intensity as each second passed. The feeling became too much; his entire body brimmed with life and vitality as he melted into her love, feeling and feeding her passions.
She trembled in his arms, her sighs airy and her release sexy as ever. He witnessed her back arch and her body shudder with great intensity, riding her waves, surfing her cravings until she calmed. His lips curled into a smile, he pressed them gently against hers, and his heart jumped, the sensation flowing to his groin. Slowly, he built up momentum once again. Burying his face in her neck, he clamped his eyes shut and let the warmth of her body surround him when she locked her ankles behind his back and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.
“You feel so good inside me!” she cried, the sexy words bringing him to completion.
With a groan, he released his seed in hard, short bursts. Every nerve ending within him was blinking like a frantic light on the fritz. His calf muscles locked, then relaxed as he expelled, then strained to gain control of his body. The intensity of the climax was out of this world, something he could not recall experiencing before. They lay in each other’s arms, rubbing on one another, breathing hard, finding their way.
Maybe there was a special magic in her—something he could sense, but not see? He was determined to find out…
CHAPTER SEVEN
Soul Bearing and Sodium
Josh wore a blue and black skull cap pulled far down his head, his eyebrows hidden from view. Chancellor clutched a plastic water bottle so tight, it snapped and popped as he stared into the eyes of the men surrounding him. No one had welcomed him back, and he wasn’t particularly surprised. After one gentleman finished discussing his dismal testing scores to become a paramedic—dream thwarted and his wish to lash out—the room drew quiet. Chancellor got to his feet, crossed his arms and sighed.
“I uh, I want to apologize for my behavior last week. I owe each and every one of you an apology. I was coming from a place of confusion, and I was defensive. Things are clearer now. I’ve had some time to think.”
“Glad to hear it,” the counselor stated, though his downturned lips and look of disgust showed he wasn’t convinced. “We want to hear your story, Chancellor … the truth. Not the arrogant ramblings of a mad man. I want you to tell us why you are here, and what caused you to have to seek anger management. If you cannot do that, then please leave and don’t return.” The man leaned back in his chair and tossed him a stern look.
“No, I can do that. Okay, here is the situation.” He took another deep breath and continued, “I worked very hard to get where I am in life. I consistently kept at least two jobs at any given time to work my way through college. My father was hard working, and I admired and looked up to him. He had a rich, German heritage, a stickler for time management. It seems rather stereotypical, but in his case, it was true.
“My mother is Iranian, Persian to be exact, and for the most part, what my dad said, went. In fact, she converted from Islam to Christianity right after they married, which caused an uproar with her parents. Nevertheless, she was a fairly quiet person. Not that she was a pushover, but she was traditional in regards to the role of women. So, in my house, I was raised by a tall, serious, but for the most part loving German father who had a tall, serious, and people pleaser type of son. Yeah, I was a people pleaser when it came to him. I wanted to live up to his expectations. I believe I mostly did, but some of the things I wanted to do in life, I didn’t, because I was too busy trying to make sure I didn’t bring any shame to the family.”
“What would have embarrassed your father, Chancellor? Do you have an example?” Josh asked.
“Yeah. Shame would have consisted of me going into a field like teaching or nursing, something that didn’t make that much money and was female dominated. I don’t personally think that way, but my father did. I didn’t want to go into teaching or nursing—those are just examples. Shame would have also been me wanting to play, say, chess versus football. Again, that wasn’t an issue or cause for concern, but it would have been had it been true. Shame would have also come from dating the wrong girl … maybe if the girl was poor, for instance. We weren’t rich; we were middle-class, but my parents still felt that people from lower economic backgrounds were inferior. That would’ve been frowned upon. Funny thing is, my mother never said anything off-putting about people from different socio-economic backgrounds, races, religions, etc. After all, I am, by general definition, of mixed heritage, despite the fact that my mother could pass for White. Now.” He clasped his hands together. “My sister and I just kinda knew what would rock the boat in our house, all right?”
“But how did you know if your parents never actually said anything off-putting, as you coined it?”
“We realized it from comments my father would make while he watched the evening news, or the jokes he found funny during a comedy routine. So, we tried to not do what would upset him … at least not allow him to find out.”
A hum flittered across the room, as though they knew what he was talking about.
“When did you realize you were harboring anger, Chancellor? When was it that you realized you were sitting on a powder keg of hostility?”
“When my father passed away. See, it seemed that is when things began to go downhill for me. I didn’t realize it at the time. My ex-wife noticed it, actually, and brought it to my attention. I loved my father so much, but wasn’t aware how much resentment I had towards him though. In my mind, I’ve always had him painted as some hero when the fact is … he was flawed just like everyone else. It’s strange, really.” He offered an edgy smile. “A few days ago, all of this hit me. The fact that all of this resentment was the catalyst to me coming undone and staying messed up. This isn’t to say up until then I was happy go lucky and easy to deal with. I will admit that I can be contrary, and have problems sometimes apologizing, even when I know I’m wrong. That has been happening for years, it’s nothing new see, and it’s not my dad’s fault, actually. So, the anger is more directed towards myself than him, even to this day.”
“Why is that?”
“Because it was my fault for being too weak to do what I wished, quite honestly. But, uh, that’s when things got pretty ugly … because…” He ran a nervous hand along his jaw, hating how everyone seemed to be glued to his every word, watching him unravel like a chewed-up string toy.
“Go on, Chancellor. Too weak to do what? Things got ugly, why?”
People like them love to see someone like me go down in flames. Well, enjoy the show because this is pyromania time!
“I loved my ex-wife very much, but she wasn’t my first choice. My first choice was her friend—a pretty and intelligent lady who I knew my father wouldn’t approve of.”
“Why? She was poor?” someone called out, judgment dripping from their tone.
“No.” Chancellor’s lips kinked in a buoyant smile. “She was Black.” The room drew silent and a few pairs of eyes went wide as saucers. “Yup. That’s right. So, again, I never heard my father call a Black person a racial slur, nothing like that—but the things he found funny, you know, said it all. I knew. I knew how he felt about them. So, I kept Lily, my ex-wife’s friend, as just a friend. And it crushed her. She knew I cared about her as more than just a friend, that I wanted her, but I dropped the ball, too damn afraid what other people would say and think. I didn’t want to lose my popularity, the circle I hung out with. I was popular and seemed to have everything going for me. That relationship could have destroyed everything. Stupid, wasn’t I? I hated myself after that.”
“So you didn’t pursue the woman you wanted, and then what happened?”
“I
turned right around and began to date her friend, a girl who’d been interested in me for a long while.” He tried to ignore the grumbles and mumbles from the small crowd. “I know, I know. Cut me some slack, okay? I was young and foolish. My ex-wife’s immediate family had moved here from Tennessee right before she and I met. And we eventually got married and had a son. I loved her, but I resented her, too. Why hadn’t she been strong enough to tell me ‘no’ when I asked her out? Why would she do that to her friend? I blamed everyone for it … absolutely everyone who was even remotely involved.
“And honestly, my ex refuses to admit this, but I believe she only wanted me because of the potential I had, because many of the popular girls in high school wanted to date me. I mean, I was on the football team, I was the Homecoming King, I made good grades. I’ve been told my dry, sarcastic sense of humor is appealing.” He rolled his eyes as his shoulders slumped. “I had a bunch of people around me telling me I was the greatest. So maybe that’s why she pursued it. Who the hell knows what’s going on in a teenage girl’s head, but see, we change and we grow, right? I could not be the same guy in twelfth grade as the one I became after graduating from the University of Wisconsin-Madison.”
“Go, Badgers!” someone chimed in, causing everyone to laugh, including himself.
“Yeah.” Chancellor smiled as he dropped his head and stared at the ground. “Go Badgers … and I kept my ex, who was then my girlfriend all throughout college. As soon as I graduated and got my first job, she and I got married. But in the back of her mind, she knew I’d always wanted Lily … but Lily was the wrong color, and I was too chicken shit to do anything about it. It’s not like it was the 1960s. Why in the hell did I do that? A damn coward I was, that’s why! I would bungee jump, kayak, skateboard, do all kinds of crazy stunts—but that? Nope. I didn’t have the balls.”
“It wasn’t the ’60s, Chancellor, but interracial dating is still seen as taboo, even in this day and age, even more so when you were in high school. Many guys would have done the same thing. I’m not saying you were right, but I understand,” a Black woman spoke out, one he hadn’t heard say a word until that point. He gave an appreciative nod.
“The saddest part was that I acknowledge my resentment towards my father about that, but I believe in my heart now, he would have come around.” He nodded as he worked the thoughts through.
“So, you believe, had you followed your heart, your father would have embraced the woman you actually wanted, despite her being African American?” Josh questioned.
“Most definitely. He would’ve accepted Lily, and so would my mother if I would have forced the issue and made it clear. I vowed to myself after I was out on my own, I would never let what someone else think of me stand in my way, no matter how much I loved them. So, I ran my business with an iron fist. I didn’t give a shit who didn’t like me. I was there to do a job, and do it well. I worked my way up the ladder until I became CEO.” He paused briefly in reflection.
“Everything I did, I wanted to win at. Even the marriage I was in that was second prize had to be the best. Again, I loved my ex-wife; I still do because she’s the mother of my son. But it wasn’t that type of love that makes your heart beat hard in your chest after that honeymoon stage wore off. That’s not something you can force. It has to be natural … it comes organically.”
Many of the people nodded in understanding. “With Maddie, there was acknowledgement and a duty to support her financially. But madly in love? No … that didn’t happen. Loved her from the bottom of my heart… but it wasn’t that spark. With her, I didn’t have that special magic. It wasn’t that feeling you get when you look at the girl of your dreams and you can’t help but smile. It wasn’t that type of love that makes you tolerate her badly behaved dog, not care about a broken lamp that you kept in your home out of guilt, or … or when you make love to her, you feel like you’re in a fucking dream and you pray to God that if you are, that you will never wake up.” The room drew quiet as he melted away, his memories and dreams overlapping, looking like one and the same. “So…” He threw up his arms. “I am in fact an angry man. Josh was right last week, ladies and gents. I bust my ass to prove a meaningless point, and for what? I want the same things everyone else wants, and you’re right, money isn’t everything.”
“It’s not,” someone called out. “It can’t solve what we’re going through.”
“No, it can’t, because it can’t fix a broken heart. It can help you forget about it, but it doesn’t heal anything. It couldn’t buy me the first girl I had ever fallen in love with. It couldn’t buy me enough sense of self to stand up to a situation that I knew was wrong. It couldn’t buy me the respect of the people who work at the company I run. Those people walked a tightrope around me, and I liked it! But what I didn’t like was them being fearful of me and the consequences… What an aftermath. Those people are afraid of me. They don’t like me … no one likes me.” His voice shook. “In fact, I bet, in my time away, they’ve been as happy as can be, like the scene from the Wizard of Oz when the wicked witch is finally dead. It’s real shitty to wake up one morning, be in the best shape of your life, have the house of your dreams, more money in the bank than you can spend, then realize you have no fucking friends, no woman, no laughter, no love because you’re a bitter, almost middle-aged son of a bitch who can’t fucking say he’s sorry! Or that he needs someone. Lord forbid I tell someone, ‘I want you to stay with me forever.’ I never wanted to feel or sound weak again! Lilly will always be proof of how pathetic I’d been.” A tear streaked his face.
“She made me weak at the knees. She lost her virginity to me… and I did that to her…how could I? What a crummy thing to do! I let ’er down. I deserve everything that is happening to me right now, all the bad stuff anyway. The best thing that ever happened to me was when I was kicked out on my ass from my job and told to get a grip and get some help. I didn’t know this at the time, but that was a good thing. That situation gave me the courage to start looking at things real hard, the things and people that mattered, especially myself. And do you know what I found out? I found out that I can’t stand me. I keep moving, I keep working and distracting myself so damn much because I can’t stand my own rotten ass company. If I get too quiet, if I stop moving, everything will come crashing down. Because… because then I will have to look at myself and see me for what I really am.”
“What are you, Chancellor?”
“A coward!” He plopped down in his seat and lowered his head, cradling it in the palm of his hands as he shook almost uncontrollably.
“Just give him a minute,” he heard the counselor whisper. “Let’s all just stay quiet here for a second, and give Chancellor a moment to collect himself.” He kept his face buried in his hands, sitting as quietly as he could muster, but the silent tears just kept coming. After a short while, he pulled himself together and sat straight. When he opened his eyes, he was surprised to see a tissue box sitting at his feet. He reached down and snatched one of them out, then dabbed at his eyes. “Thank you…” he mumbled.
“Chancellor, is there anything else you wish to share before we move on?”
Chancellor sat there for a moment with the tissue balled tight in his hand. He sniffed and rolled that question over in his brain.
“Yeah. I want things to be different. I’ve met someone.” A couple people wore encouraging smiles, so he smiled back. “And I’ve been trying to be careful about how I speak to her, things like that. She’s a new opportunity. She’s someone who makes me have those special, magical feelings and I want to be brave with her, not belligerent, because I’m afraid she may not like the real me or that this may not last forever. I don’t want to live my life being afraid. That’s where my anger stems—from fear. What’s funny is that she knows this about me. I didn’t even have to say it. She seems to understand the real me, so me being here is not just for me at this point. It’s for us…”
Chancellor must’ve stood holding that tomato for an eternity. Bailey
shifted her weight from one foot to the other, shook her head at the man, then tapped him on his shoulder.
“Chancellor.” He glanced at her from over his shoulder. “This is not what I expected.”
“What do you mean?” he asked with a raised brow.
“I told you that I needed to go to the grocery store when you called me tonight wanting to stop over. You said you’d take me and we could do our shopping together. I am finished, and you’ve been looking at that same tomato for at least three minutes. Do you think that if you study it long enough, it’ll turn into a V-8?”
At this, the man cackled.
“Has it really been that long?” He flung it in the plastic sack and tossed it in his cart. “I am just a little particular about produce. I don’t like to see any blemishes.” At this, she rolled her eyes.
“Your list of egocentricities is getting longer and longer by the second.” She pushed her cart alongside his, nearing the check-out lanes.
“I got two bags of low sodium chips. One for you and one for me. You know, the ones I was telling you about.”
“Awww, what a thoughtful gift! Potato chips! How romantic.” She smiled and cast him a wink, causing him to chuckle.
“Laugh now, but they’re delicious. You’ll thank me later.”
“I’m certain I will. Maybe I can make my famous sour cream dip to go with them.”
“That sounds good. Hey, do you have any perishables? Like milk or butter or anything?” They both scanned her cart for such items.
“Mmmm, doesn’t seem like it. Why?”
“Have you ever been to Brew’s? It’s one of my favorite coffee shops. I thought maybe we could swing by there before going home.”
