Maybe This Christmas

by Jennifer Snow

  Why wait? Her gaze was still locked on one of the reasons—the big, terrifying mountain that despite her claims to the contrary still had a hold on her.

  “Can I think about it? Just for another day or two?” she asked.

  Sean hesitated for a long moment. “Well, okay…but I need to know by Monday.”

  Two days away.

  “If you don’t want the opportunity, we will have to give it to another candidate,” he said.

  God, he must think she was so ungrateful for this chance. She knew other potential candidates would have jumped at this without hesitation. Especially now that September wouldn’t be an option for her. She’d be looking at postponing her new future career plans by a year or more. Her hesitation and indecision were crazy. “Thank you so much, Sean. I really do appreciate this, and I will give it serious thought and let you know soon. Tomorrow, not Monday.” She couldn’t keep him waiting any longer than that. She couldn’t keep herself waiting longer than that.

  “Do that. I’d really enjoy working with you.”

  Yes, he’d said that already. “Great. Thank you again.” She disconnected the call, then almost immediately hit Redial on the Florida number. She knew what she wanted to do. And too much of her decision so far had been based on something—someone—she wasn’t entirely sure was a safe bet anymore. The last few weeks had been a roller coaster of emotion through this journey with Ash.

  She loved him. He was still not ready, or was unwilling, to make the same commitment.

  And whether he did eventually or not, she refused to put the rest of her life on hold while she waited.

  She was accepting the open spot in January. Decision made, she felt a weight lift from her chest.

  Replaced by something else.

  As she stared at the slopes, a new sensation filled her—one she couldn’t quite define.

  She knew one thing. Before she walked away permanently, before she embarked on her new path, she had to conquer her fear of that mountain.

  Chapter 16

  With the main slopes roped off and reserved for competitors, Emma headed to the section of the mountain left open for the recreational skiers.

  She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had to rent a snowboard and boots, but it didn’t matter. Boots on, board in hand, Emma made her way toward the chair lift, through the families and groups of friends enjoying the cloudless day and amazing weather conditions. Holiday music blared from the outdoor speakers, and the smell of hot chocolate and roasted chestnuts from the outdoor café at the base of the mountain made her stomach growl. She hadn’t eaten since they’d left the resort that morning, but she couldn’t trust her nerves to allow her to keep anything down.

  Right after this run, she was heading to the café.

  It would be her reward for actually surviving.

  At the chair lift, she hung back, allowing several groups and pairs…couples…to get on before her.

  “Lone rider?” the attendant asked.

  She nodded.

  He waved forward another skier and stopped the chair. “You two together,” he said.

  With one foot strapped into her board, she climbed on first before she could chicken out.

  The older man sat next to her and smiled. “I haven’t skied in years. Hope I remember how.”

  “Like riding a bike,” she said.

  He nodded, turning his attention to the scenery below them and making idle small talk that she was only partially paying attention to as they rose higher to the top of the mountain.

  It was a level two slope, a run she could have completed with her eyes closed and hands tied behind her back three years ago. Now, the height and angle of the hill looked slightly paralyzing as she placed her other foot against the back binding and skied off the chair onto the top of the mountain.

  “See you at the bottom,” the guy yelled, skiing off.

  Great.

  Arms out straight over the board, she moved slowly away from the chair lift. Choosing a quieter spot at the top, she dragged the toes of her back foot along the snow to stop the board and stood staring at the hill. It was an easy run for her. Or for her former self.

  She could do this.

  The cold snowy breeze at the higher altitude did nothing to cool her, and her heart pounding in her ears drowned out the festive sounds around her, as she strapped her other foot into the board.

  All she had to do was push off, and a simple thirty-second run later, she would be done. She’d have proven to herself what she’d been claiming all along and maybe, going forward, she could snowboard recreationally. She could reclaim her love of the sport without it controlling her, and she could go to Florida with more confidence.

  She was suddenly alone at the top, and she forced determination into each breath.

  She could do this…She was all alone. No one was watching, expecting anything from her.

  All alone…

  Except for the familiar-looking ski jacket to her right as Asher climbed off the chair lift and headed toward her.

  Damn.

  * * *

  “Asher? What the hell? Your leg is not healed enough for you to be up here.”

  “My leg is fine.” It was his heart that was a mess. And his mind. “I thought I’d find you here.” She hadn’t been anywhere else, including the resort. He’d spent hours after leaving Frank searching the village for her. Unsuccessful, he’d walked part of the way back to the resort, hailed a cab the rest of the way, then shuttled it back down to the village when she hadn’t been in their room, at the pool, or the resort restaurant. The ski hill was the least of his leg’s exercise that day.

  “I’m not up here with any plans to compete,” she said, apprehension in her voice.

  “I don’t expect you to,” he said. After talking to Frank, he was finally hearing her. He’d also started to realize that the reason he needed her to hold on to her dream a little longer was so that he wouldn’t feel guilty holding on to his. Which was unfair. If she wanted to pursue the doctorate degree, he’d support her one hundred percent.

  Emma was smart and determined and driven; she’d be amazing at anything she tried.

  “What are you doing up here, Ash?” she asked, brushing her hair away from her face.

  God, she was so beautiful, so determined, and so pissed. He swallowed hard. “I wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I was wrong. I was wrong to try to tell you what you should want out of life. To make you feel bad about your decision to quit and walk away. You did what you wanted to do…and I should have supported that.”

  Her expression was unreadable as she stared down the mountain.

  “Emma, I said all of that because I’m terrified of what you moving on means for us. No, not for us—for me.” He paused. “I need you.” He hadn’t realized how much she filled his life until her absence left him with a big, hollow space that made his chest ache, clouded his mind, and drove him to a dark, lonely place. Which was why he was so damn terrified of her going to Florida. If one afternoon at odds with her had left him feeling this empty, this desperate…How was he supposed to live without her if things changed for her once she started her new life?

  Waiting around for a self-centered jock who was focused solely on his career wouldn’t be enough for her.

  “Which me do you need? The best friend who always supported you, believed in you…loved you?” she said. “Or the me whose body you could always depend on whenever you passed through town?”

  The harshness of the words made his stomach turn. She couldn’t honestly believe that he’d only been using her these years…Though what other impression could she take away from his actions? From his unwillingness to commit to the only situation in his life that had ever made sense? From his own harsh words and critical judgment of her and her choices? He moved closer. “All of you. My best friend, my lover…and the woman that I’m falling in love with.” He knew it was far more than his own insecurities making him feel this ache for her. He was in love with her. Probab
ly always had been.

  She blinked, and he could see tears forming. “Asher, you are scared of losing me, and for the first time you’re realizing just how big of a part I am in your life. But that’s not love. It’s a fear to move on, to find something…someone else…It’s an uncertainty you’d rather not face.”

  She was wrong. How could he make her see that he meant every word? That he loved her. That his life, his career, his dream meant nothing without her to share it all with. “That’s not it. I know I messed up. I know I was blind for so long that I might have missed my chance, but Em, I love you.” There, he’d said it, and there was no taking it back. He didn’t want to take the words back. “I’m not me without you.” He reached out for her, but she backed away.

  “Asher, I’m not sure I can do this with you. You were right that I was afraid to face my fears, and that’s what I’m trying to do. First with this mountain, then with the PhD program.”

  With Sean Whitney. But not with him. She was too smart to make that mistake again.

  “I’m not ready to be hurt by you,” she said softly, her voice barely audible above the breeze.

  He gripped his ski poles as he took a step away from her. “Right. Yeah, no, I understand.” He did. He was too late. He’d been an idiot, a fool who didn’t realize what he had until it was too late. Then he’d hurt her further. She deserved to find happiness with someone who would see the bright light she was from the moment they saw her, touched her, kissed her…

  His heart ached to be that guy, but years of not being who she needed stood in the way. “Okay. I’m sorry. I’ll go.”

  “Ash…”

  He stopped, a flicker of hope in his heart as he turned to face her.

  She looked as tortured as he felt, and he longed to grab her and kiss her and make her believe that she hadn’t been wrong to put herself out there for him. That he wanted her fully, completely, and was willing to sacrifice anything to make it happen…but he just stood there waiting. Hoping.

  “I really don’t think you should be on the slope. This is a level two, and you’ve never successfully skied it even when you weren’t recovering from an injury,” she said.

  Right. She was concerned about his leg. She really would make a terrific doctor. He didn’t doubt that for a second.

  “And your big game is in a few weeks,” she said, her voice devoid of anything he could grasp onto.

  His big game. The one that suddenly no longer seemed to hold as much meaning. “Don’t worry. I’ll take the trail down,” he said, skiing away from her, leaving her alone to take on this challenge she needed to do for herself, deserved to do for herself.

  He walked away from her, giving her the space she needed to soar.

  Chapter 17

  After entering the clinic two days later, Asher hesitated, pretending to read the local community board posted outside the reception office. His gaze flew over the flyers announcing holiday events and local business cards stuck to the bulletin board, but he wasn’t taking in any of it. From the corner of his eye, he glanced inside the clinic, but other than several patients waiting in the reception area, he didn’t see anyone else inside.

  His mouth was dry as he checked his watch. His session was scheduled to start in five minutes.

  His leg was feeling much better though, and he could do the exercises just as well at home…

  “Going in?” Jane’s voice behind him made him jump. She laughed. “Sorry. I’m pretty good at sneaking up on people,” she said, as she struggled to open the office door, balancing a tray of coffees.

  “Let me,” Asher said, holding the door while she entered. Then, releasing a deep breath, he followed behind.

  Jane set the coffees down on her desk and removed her dark green winter coat, hanging it on the hook behind the desk chair. “I didn’t know you were still in town.”

  He nodded. It was just a week before Christmas, and he’d never hear the end of it if he left now. But man, was it tempting. He hadn’t heard from Emma since she’d taken the Greyhound bus back to Glenwood Falls instead of driving back with him.

  He’d been on his way back to the room with a well-rehearsed better apology, when the resort’s front desk attendant had handed him the note she’d left.

  Need some time and space. We’ll talk soon.

  That was it.

  And in the last two days he’d been progressively in a worse mood the longer the time and space continued. He’d texted to make sure she’d gotten home and received a one word reply: yes. And he’d texted to say he was sorry. To which he’d gotten silence.

  That morning, he’d struggled with the urge to cancel his appointment. He didn’t want to see her for the first time after their disastrous weekend like this…but this may be the only way he would.

  “I’ll be sticking around until after Christmas.” He had four more therapy sessions before they’d think about letting him back on the ice, but he’d go crazy in Glenwood Falls if Emma continued to ignore him.

  “That’s nice. I’m sure your family will be happy to have you here this year.”

  He nodded distractedly as he heard one of the therapy doors opening. He turned slightly. Not Emma, but the older male therapist that worked there. He nodded in greeting, then turned back to Jane. “Can you let Emma know I’m here?”

  She nodded, then frowned, looking at her open schedule on her computer. “Actually, your appointment this morning is with Dr. Masey.”

  His mouth was like chalk. “Nope. Emma’s my therapist.” His only therapist. Also the woman he was going crazy without, one he was certain he was in love with and one whose silence was torture.

  Jane frowned as she looked at the computer. “Not today. This is weird. A lot of Emma’s patients have been reassigned to Dr. Masey.”

  The doctor nodded as he approached. “That’s right. There isn’t a mistake on the schedule. Unfortunately, Emma’s leaving us to pursue her doctorate at the University of Florida,” he told Jane. “So she’s reducing her hours and transitioning patients to me in the next two weeks.”

  Asher’s mouth gaped. She’d handed him off? And she was going to Florida for the January semester?

  Damn. He hadn’t thought his disappointment and regret over their argument could get any deeper. He was wrong.

  “Are you ready to go in?” Dr. Masey asked.

  No. Unfortunately, he knew he wouldn’t get clearance to get back on the ice unless he successfully completed his therapy sessions and they sent a letter to the team’s doctor and his coach. He swallowed hard, fighting to conceal his feelings as he nodded. “Yes, yeah…Thanks, Jane.”

  She shot him a sympathetic look, obviously able to read the situation. No doubt his turmoil was written all over his face. “No problem, Asher. Good luck,” she said.

  Following the doctor into the therapy room, he glanced toward Emma’s office. She was leaving Glenwood Falls for Florida. Leaving her past behind…

  Damn, but he refused to let that include him.

  * * *

  “You’re not going to need all of these sweaters in Florida,” Jess said, watching Emma box up her clothing two days later.

  Emma stared at the stack of heavy sweaters, leggings, and jeans she’d just packed into the oversized box and sighed. “You’re right…Can I store this stuff at your place while I’m away?” Thankfully, she’d been going month to month on her apartment, so she’d only had to pay one month’s rent to get out of her lease. Her landlord had said it wouldn’t be any trouble renting out the space after Christmas, and it had eased Emma’s guilt over the lack of notice.

  Dr. Masey, too, had been willing to accept two weeks as her notice, and he was happy to help her to transition her patients while she was still technically there. He was hoping she’d return to work at the clinic once she graduated, but at that moment, she had no plans beyond the immediate future.

  So why she had this sense of dread weighing heavy on her chest, she didn’t know.

  Actually she knew exactly wh
y her excitement over the opportunity was slow in coming. She didn’t have Asher’s support in it.

  In fact, she wasn’t sure she had Asher at all.

  He’d texted twice since she’d left him on the mountains, but she wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. If there was a chance he could mess with her mind about her decision or make her doubt her choice, she didn’t want to talk to him at all.

  She felt guilty for not telling him that she’d rescheduled the rest of his appointments with Dr. Masey, but he was almost fully recovered. He had only a few more sessions, then he’d be back in New Jersey and back on the ice. His mind would once again be on his milestone game and his future in hockey.

  “Emma—are you hearing anything I’m saying?” Jess asked, taping up the box and writing WINTER CLOTHES on it.

  Emma blinked. “No. Sorry. Just trying to figure out what the hell to pack.” Her summer shorts and tank tops? Her flip-flops? Her bikinis? For most people, the idea of moving away from the cold winter months in Glenwood Falls would be a dream come true, but she loved her winters…and now that she’d braved several hours on the slopes, the snowboard in the corner of her closet was beckoning once again. She’d miss Colorado.

  But she didn’t have to stay in Florida forever.

  Jess stood and opened the closet, taking out several skirts and casual dresses. “These would work…”

  Emma raised an eyebrow. “I’m going out there for school, not to date.”

  Jess ignored her, placing the items into the suitcase she was packing for the plane. Her flight left January 2. Less than two weeks from now. “You can still look nice.”

  For Sean? She didn’t ask for fear of starting another argument with Jess. They’d just gotten over the last one.

  But in truth, the head of the department was the only part of the program she was wary of. Her heart was a mess, and she didn’t need Sean complicating her life any more. As soon as she met with him again face-to-face, she planned to make it very clear that she was there for the education only.