There’s no getting around those hard facts. But it’s nice to ignore them for a while and in the moments when Daniel’s with me, it feels different. It feels like nothing else exists.
And when your world is made of nothing but painful memories you’re constantly trying to outrun, it’s a relief for nothing else to exist.
Well, nothing but this flutter in my chest and this ache between my thighs. I love it. I love feeling this way even if nervousness and tiny bits of fear creep in.
It was better than I ever could have imagined. Even when I woke up alone in the morning. Even as I took the bus home with my hair a mess and still in the clothes from the night before.
A walk of shame had never felt so fucking good.
I bite down on my lip to keep the smile on my face from being too smug.
It was something I know I’ll regret, but right now all I’m going to do is love this horrible mistake.
Over and over again.
The spoon clangs against the ceramic mug as I stir in the sugar for my tea. I need caffeine badly. I’ve slept soundly for the past three days, two of them in Daniel’s bed, only to be woken up on occasion and fucked into the mattress. It feels good to be back at my apartment though, where I can rest undisturbed. He had a meet last night so I slept alone, which is a good thing. I’m too sore for any more of Daniel right now.
A smile graces my face as I lift the mug to my lips.
I blow across the top of the mug, breathing in the calming smell of the black tea and avoiding the hot steam. With my eyes closed I feel like I could go back to bed right now.
My little moment is interrupted by the sound of my phone going off. It’s a distinct noise and I know exactly who it is by the tone. It’s from an app that allows you to text people overseas for cheap. Which means it’s Rae.
The mug hits the counter a little more aggressively than I’d like, sloshing a touch of tea on the counter as I reach for my phone.
“Shit,” I mumble under my breath, but I don’t bother with it. I need to talk to Rae.
How are you love? Miss you.
She always calls me love. She says things like cheeky and cow too. I love the diction of the United Kingdom and their accents. A very big part of me misses her and the small farm town she lives in. But it will never be home for me.
I message her back, Miss you to pieces. How’s your mom?
I wait with my eyes on the screen and my lips pursed. She doesn’t write back quickly so I busy myself with cleaning up the spill and having another sip of tea. Rae’s mom is going through some health issues. I know it’s been a pain in the ass for both of them. Or arse if it’s Rae talking about it.
Mum’s fine. Happy for now and enjoying the time off work. How have you been?
I start to text her everything from the very beginning, but then delete it. And then I try once more, but the words don’t come out quite right. Before I can even message her anything, she texts again.
I’m thinking of going back to that bar in Leeds and having another go at the boy bands there. Made me think of you.
The reminder makes me smile and spreads a sense of warmth and ease through me. Enough that I reply simply, I think I’m seeing someone. But I’m not sure if it’s good or bad.
“Seeing someone” might be a stretch. It’s just fucking. I’m smart enough to know that.
She writes back quickly this time. Spill it.
You already know him. Well, of him. It’s Daniel.
I feel a momentary pang of guilt, like I’ve betrayed him. As if saying what’s between us out loud will ruin it. Because no one else will understand.
Tyler’s brother?
I stare at her response and feel that spike of chagrin and shame I should have known was coming.
Yes.
It’s all I can write back. The mug trembles slightly in my hands, but I ignore it, taking a drink although now the heat feels different on my lips. Less soothing and less comforting. Even if it isn’t lukewarm yet.
Seeing him? she questions.
I put the mug back down and gather up the courage to try to make her understand. She knows everything. Including how I left Tyler because of what I felt for Daniel. What I thought was one-sided and an indication of how awful a person I was. All I had to do was love Tyler back. Instead I ruined what we were over dirty thoughts I couldn’t stop.
We ran into each other. And I told him how I felt about him.
A moment passes, and then another. And that feeling in my gut and heart keeps at it. Twisting and squeezing until I feel wrung out. I wish I could say I don’t care what she thinks about this. But she’s the only person I have left. I’m careful not to get too close to anyone. Everyone I love dies. So it’s best I don’t let people in. Rae is the only exception.
How do you feel about it?
I let out a single chuckle, like a breath of a laugh at her response. I text back, You sound like a shrink.
You sound like you might need one.
Her response makes the small bit of relief wash away. Maybe I do.
I just worry about you, she texts me and then adds, I know it has to bring back memories and other unpleasant things.
It does. But it also feels like a relief in a way. And so much more than that.
Are you dating? she asks.
I roll my eyes at that question. She knows better. I don’t date.
She sends back an emoji rolling its eyes and a genuine snicker leaves me.
Just take care of yourself, will you?
She’s a good friend and I know better than to think she’d be anything other than concerned.
You burst my bubble, I tell her and I really mean it.
***
Five years ago
Tyler’s lips slip down to the crook of my neck. He knows just the spot that makes me wet for him.
My palms push against his chest and the motion makes my body sink deeper into the mattress beneath him.
“Spread your legs.” He gives the command against my skin, making me hotter … needier. But my eyes dart to the door and then back to him.
“But your brothers,” I whisper as if my words are a secret.
Tyler pulls away, breathless and panting with need. He always makes love to me wildly. Like it’s all he needs. Each time is quick, but he takes care of me first. I bite down on my bottom lip as he hovers over me and then looks over his shoulder at the door.
“They don’t care,” he tells me and I can only swallow the lump in my throat.
One brother cares. I know he does. He looks at me like I’m a whore whenever I stay over here. And I haven’t even slept with Tyler under the Cross roof yet.
“I don’t want them to think I’m staying over just so we can have sex.”
“They don’t think that.” Tyler smiles and brushes the hair from my face as I pull the covers up closer around me. I still have my nightgown on; Tyler’s just pulled the fabric up around my waist.
“What if they think I’m using you so I don’t have to go back home? Like I’m spreading my legs just so I can have a place to stay.” I heard a girl say that at school a week ago and the thought hasn’t left me. It’s true I don’t want to go back. But I’m not a whore either.
“I have to fucking beg you to stay here, Addie. They can hear that. They know that. And we’ve been dating for how long now?”
Almost six months to the day he first tapped on my shoulder in science class.
The uneasiness still doesn’t leave me and I stare at the door until Tyler’s hand cups my chin.
“We can be quiet,” he whispers and lowers his lips to mine.
My eyes close and I let myself feel his warmth and comfort.
“Just kiss me,” he tells me as he slips his hand between my legs, parting my thighs for him.
I keep my eyes shut and try to be quiet. My muffled moans carried through the walls though and so did the unmistakable sounds and steady rhythm of Tyler fucking me.
I know because of the way Daniel
looked at me late that night when I snuck into the hall to use the bathroom.
My hand was on the doorknob when he opened his bedroom door. Caught in his heated gaze, I couldn’t move; I couldn’t breathe. He let his stare trail down my nightgown before looking back into my eyes.
I’ll never forget the way my body heated for him and how my heart pounded. I thought he was going to punish me, to pin me against the wall and make me scream. That’s the way he would have fucked me. The kind of sex where you can’t keep quiet.
Instead of doing or saying anything, Daniel turned around, going straight back into his room.
I sat in the bathroom for the longest time, feeling like the worst thing in the world. Like a whore and a fraud and an ungrateful bitch.
I snuck out in my nightgown, with my clothes clenched into a ball in my hand and drove home as quickly as I could.
I didn’t go back to the Cross house for weeks. And the next time I let Tyler fuck me in his bed, I wasn’t quiet about anything.
Chapter 14
Daniel
It’s cute how she keeps looking at me like she’s waiting for me to walk away. Like how yesterday she was surprised that I told her to come over. I’ll never forget the shy look on her face. How her eyes scanned mine and she was hesitant to come back in.
So long as I’m in this small town, she needs to be in my bed. Every second I can have her. Our one-night stand turned into one week … turned into two.
I’ve waited for so long to have her. Did she think I’d have my fill of her so quickly?
As she stretches on my bed, the sheet slips and reveals more of her back, along with the curve of her waist.
I could get used to this. Waking up with her in my bed, going to sleep alongside her.
If I could keep her here forever, I would.
“That was nice,” she whispers as she rolls back over and lays her hand on my bare chest. Her finger traces up to the dip below my throat then moves lower, and lower still. Stirring my already spent dick back to life.
“Be careful what you ask for,” I warn her in a rough timbre as I hold back a groan.
I can feel her smile against my shoulder and then she laughs sweetly.
“I think I need a shower first,” she says.
“You’ll need another when I’m done with you.” I don’t miss the way her legs scissor under the sheets at my comment.
“Shower first,” she says as if she’s decided. Had I slept well at all last night, I’d slip my tongue between her thighs and convince her otherwise. But the meeting location changed yesterday and then again. It seems the message I’ve been waiting on Marcus to deliver has changed as well and Carter’s on edge with what’s coming our way.
The unwanted thought is what motivates me to get up. I’ve been in a daze with Addison. She’s a distraction.
I crack my neck and stretch my arms before getting out of bed with a twisted feeling in my gut.
With my back to Addison, she traces the small scar on the bottom of my shoulder. A scar I’ve long since forgotten. There are a few really, but they’re faint. Only one is easily seen.
“How’d you get that?” she asks me and I clench my jaw as I stand up.
She always liked my father. He was a good man … to her at least. And maybe the family business wouldn’t have survived if he hadn’t been so hard on Carter and me.
“I popped off to my father,” I explain, keeping it short and simple as I get off the bed and grab a pair of boxer briefs from the dresser. My voice sounds strained even to my own ears.
My dick’s already hard and wanting more of her, but the unpleasant reminder of my childhood makes me want to bury myself in work. I have an encrypted file I should look over with details for a big shipment coming in next week. It includes a list of new hires and Carter always gets wary when it comes to new people unloading stock.
“You popped off?” she asks and I turn around to the sound of her saddened voice. My stomach twists when I see her expression. Like she can’t believe my father would have ever struck me.
She has no idea.
“I should have known better.” My words don’t do a thing to change the look in her eyes and when they move from the thin scattering of silver scars on my back to my own gaze, all I see is sympathy. And I don’t fucking want it. Not from anyone, and sure as fuck not from her.
“Leave it alone, Addison.” I move back to the dresser for pants and a shirt, opening one drawer and slamming it shut before moving to the next.
“What did you say?” I hear her ask softly as I shut a third drawer, still not finding what I’m looking for. The fourth drawer slams shut harder than I intended.
“It doesn’t matter.” My response doesn’t faze her.
“I wouldn’t have thought he’d ever-”
“He saved that side of himself for Carter and me,” I say, cutting her off sharply before I can stop myself. Apparently the anger is stronger than I thought. Up until now I assumed the animosity was buried with him when he died.
“I’m sorry,” she says softly and it only amplifies my agitation.
The air is tense in the bedroom as I slip on a t-shirt and pajama pants, an old plaid flannel pair.
“Pass me one?” Addison asks, apparently ready to move on from the revelation that my father wasn’t the saint Tyler made him out to be.
I almost toss the black cotton Henley toward the bed, but instead I walk it to her. Letting her take it from me and when she does, her slender fingers brush against mine.
There’s nothing sexier than watching her pad around this place in nothing but my t-shirt. Her occupation means she can work anywhere, which means her ass is staying right here with me. For now.
Gripping her hand as she takes the shirt, I pull her closer to me and steal a quick kiss. And then another as I release her.
She props herself up on the bed, getting onto her knees and deepening the small kiss. As she bites gently on my bottom lip, she tangles both of her hands in my hair. I let myself fall forward, bracing my impact with one arm on either side of her.
She doesn’t open her eyes until she gives me a sweet peck right where she bit me. Her green eyes stare back at me for only a moment before she closes them again and brushes the tip of her nose against mine.
My fucking heart is a bastard for wanting to believe the kiss has anything to do with the conversation we just had. But it flips in my chest as if that little nudge and the fact that her eyes were closed meant everything in the world.
I’ve always had a bastard heart when it comes to her.
“I have to work,” I tell her and quickly bend down to plant a quick kiss on her temple. I’d better leave before I wind up doing nothing but staying in bed.
“So you don’t want to come with me to check out the campus?”
“I’m not sure there’s a polite way to say this, but fuck no.” It amazes me how easy it is to be candid with Addison. Maybe it’s because just like now, she isn’t offended or taken aback. She simply takes what I have to give and smiles.
“So you think I shouldn’t go here?” she asks and from her tone I know it’s a loaded question.
“Why would you?” I offer in rebuttal.
She breaks eye contact and shrugs, picking at a thread on the comforter. “It seems like a business degree would make sense.”
“You already have your business set up and it’s successful, isn’t it?”
“I’m doing well. How’d you know? You look me up?” she asks playfully, but I ignore her and the twinge in my chest.
“Then why bother?”
She peeks up at me over her shoulder with a defensive look on her face. “Well, why do you bother?”
Leaning forward, I lower my voice to answer her. “I don’t. I’m not staying.”
“You’re going home?” she asks and the very idea of home doesn’t quite sit right with me, but neither does the expression on her face. The hurt one that she can’t hide although I’m not sure she would bother even if she
was aware of how transparent her emotions are.
“I’m working and that might lead me back to where we grew up.”
As I lower myself back onto the bed slowly, I question being so honest with her. The coy and curious nature I’ve come to enjoy from her turns timid. Like she’s walking into dangerous territory.
“Should I ask?” Her voice is quiet and she doesn’t look me in the eye.
“That depends on what you want to know.” She hasn’t asked a single question since we’ve started hooking up. She’s smart enough to know. Maybe smart enough to know not to ask too.
Finally, her gorgeous green eyes look back at me and she presses, “Would you tell me the truth if I did? Tyler never did.”
“Tyler wasn’t ever involved in anything serious.” I ignore how everything in me turns cold at the mention of his name. Being with Addison … knowing he was her first. It hurts to swallow as she keeps talking. Especially after the memory of my father. I don’t like to remember.
She answers me, “Your version of serious and mine are different, I think.”
The time passes as I fail to come up with a response. She doesn’t need to know about any of this shit. It would be better if she didn’t.
Another second. Another thought.
“Is that why you left him?” I ask her and although it hurts deep down in my core, I need to know if her idea of what he did for work is what made her leave him. I don’t say his name though.
“I don’t want to talk about that night.” Her answer comes out sharper than I expect. With a bite and a threat not to question her. It only makes me that much more curious.
“The night you broke things off?” I ask her to clarify. That night isn’t the one that haunts me. That’s not the night that’s unspeakable to me.
Addison stands on shaky legs with her back to me. Finding her packed bag and unzipping it as she speaks.
“I just don’t like thinking about how the last couple of times I saw him I was turning him away,” she says with a tinge of emotion I don’t like to hear. The kind of emotion that’s indicative of love.
A love I know for certain he had for her.
“You weren’t the first seventeen-year-old girl to end a high school relationship,” I remind her and also me. It was puppy love. That’s all it ever was.
Summer Heat: A Steamy Romance Boxed Set Page 109
