The skin on the bridge of his nose wrinkled. “It was nothing. I’m sure.”
It was something, though. She saw the concern in his uncle’s eyes, and she knew whatever it was, it was the missing piece. It was the thing he was keeping from her. Harper had told her just to ask him, and she didn’t think she could. Figured he would tell her when he was ready. But she’d waited long enough.
“Why do I feel like you’re not telling me something?”
His body tensed, shoulders rigid and eyes flashing annoyance. “What are you talking about?”
“I don’t know, Shane. I ask you about your friends in California, and you either change the subject or distract me with kisses. You talk about your mom, but I feel like there’s a huge chunk of your life missing. Is it something you’re ashamed of? Because I don’t care. I don’t care whatever it is because…I love you.”
***
Shane stumbled back at her admission. She loved him. Nobody other than his mom ever loved him. He wouldn’t let them. People got close, and he hurt them. He couldn’t do that to Olivia. She was everything that was good in the world, and he wouldn’t take that away from her.
Her eyes locked on his, hopeful yet scared. All he had to do was admit the truth. Tell her that he loved her, too. But he couldn’t. She deserved a future to look forward to, and he had no idea what his future held. For all he knew, he could live to be a senior citizen, never relapsing, and being healthy, strong. But what if he wasn’t so lucky? What if he got sick again? He refused to subject Olivia to that life. He watched Mom waste her days in sadness, never finding happiness after losing the love of her life. Then with what little time she had left, she gave it away to stay in a hospital with him.
Olivia couldn’t love him.
“Don’t say that,” he said.
“Say what?” Her eyes filled with hurt. “That I love you? I’m not taking it back.”
God she was feisty and strong willed. And damn it to hell, he did love her. He loved her more than he loved anyone before. He couldn’t imagine a day when he didn’t get to see that beautiful smile or hear her adorable giggle that flooded him with joy. But could he give her a life that she wanted?
Mom sacrificed her life for him, spending her days at doctor appointments and in hospital rooms. Then finally, when he was healthy and she could go back to her life, making up for all the lost time, she got sick. She didn’t win the battle. She lost, and in the end, her to-do list was left unchecked.
Shane couldn’t expect Olivia to sacrifice her life for him if it came to that. And even if she was able to, there was a possibility that he couldn’t have children. Infertility wasn’t uncommon in children who went through chemo and radiation. What if he stayed and she wanted a family, and he couldn’t give her that?
The only thing he’d be bringing to a relationship was uncertainty.
He met her gaze, brown eyes filled with such sorrow it damn near broke his heart. “Loving me is a mistake.”
“Why?” She practically begged, but he still couldn’t bring himself to tell her the truth, and maybe that made him a coward. “Just tell me?”
Anger at the shitty hand of life he was dealt swelled inside him. He bit back the rage.
“Please.” Her words were a mere whisper, but the impact was hard and intense.
“Because!” His temper got the better of him. The word cut through the air like a wrecking ball, knocking Olivia back and leaving her wide eyed and stunned. He ripped his shirt down, revealing his scar.
“You want to know what this is?” he asked.
“Yes.” Her voice was small, too small.
“This is a scar from a port—a device that was placed under my skin so I could receive chemo.”
Her lips parted, and her eyes filled with disbelief. “Chemo? Are you… are you dying?” she asked, pain filling her tone. And that right there was exactly why he couldn’t drag her into his life.
“I beat it, but that doesn’t mean it can’t come back in some form or another.”
Moisture pooled in her eyes, and he could see the pity forming. She reached out to him, but he didn’t want her comfort. He didn’t want her to feel bad for him. He fought and he won. And he would continue fighting, but it was his battle, not hers.
He stepped back, and her hand fell limply to her side. He slipped out his phone and tapped his screen before sliding his phone back in his pocket.
“I can’t do this,” he said.
“Do what?”
“Stand here and let you feel sorry for me.”
“I…”
“It’s okay. I get it. Comes with the territory.”
“Can’t we just talk about this?”
He didn’t want to talk. She’d just try to justify everything, and he didn’t want to be the one to burst her bubble. There was no justifying anything. People lived and they died, and when he allowed himself to get attached, all that followed was heartache and misery. “There’s nothing to talk about. You know everything now.”
“So, you finally open up to me and that’s it? You want nothing to do with me now?”
He didn’t want to look at her, but he needed to be firm in his stance. “It’s for the best.”
“That’s a fucking lie and you know it.” A tear fell from her lid and she swatted it away. “I thought you were different. I thought that you saw me for me.”
“I do.” He saw her for exactly who she was. He’d watch her grow from that blubbering mess on the train to a strong, confident woman who wasn’t afraid of anything. It was because of that, he couldn’t stay.
“No, you don’t. If you truly saw me, knew me, you would know that what I see when I look at you is not pity. I see a man who has been through hell and fought like a beast to be where he is now. I see a man who is incapable of letting people in, so he uses his past illness as a scapegoat. You’ve been fighting your whole life, and now you just want to give up.” She straightened, thrusting her shoulders back. “That’s fine. I deserve better. I deserve a man who will fight for me.”
Her words hit him square in the gut, knocking the wind out of him. The sadness etched into the sides of her eyes and corner of her mouth was like tiny knives to his heart. He resisted the urge to go to her. He never wanted this.
He was supposed to be the rebound. The girl didn’t fall in love with the rebound.
His lips parted, but like a sign from above, a horn blared outside.
“What’s that?” she asked,
“Your ride. Tell Milo, thanks.”
With that, Shane walked away from Olivia. He thought he made the right choice, but as he shut the bedroom door and collapsed on the bed, he couldn’t help but wonder if she was right.
Had he given up?
Chapter 21
Shane stood behind the bar, and for the first time since he came to Morgan’s Bay, he felt like he didn’t belong. Between the complete blow up with his family then the fight with Olivia, he was feeling out of sorts. He’d be out of here soon; he just didn’t want to leave Connor shorthanded.
Connor smacked him on the back. “You certainly know how to make an impression.”
“About that…” Shane started, but Connor held his hand up.
“No need to apologize. If you ask me, I think you held yourself back. I would have been furious. So, don’t sweat it. Honestly.”
Connor was kind to say so, but guilt still tugged at Shane’s gut. “I came here because I wanted a family. Instead, I singlehandedly destroyed one.”
“No,” Connor said. “You can’t destroy something that was already falling apart. This family has been holding itself together with tape for so long. We all knew it wouldn’t hold forever. That’s not on you, so don’t think it is.”
“It’s hard not to.”
“If you ask me, you’ve done this family a favor. It’s about time we stop hiding behind false pretenses and face reality. Especially Grandfather. You’re the first person to stand up to him the way you did, and trust me, we’re all gra
teful for it.”
“How’s Mimi?” Shane still felt awful for being the one to drop the bomb that her husband had been keeping a secret from her for years.
“Mimi is resilient. You don’t have to worry about her.”
The door opened, sun shining in from outside and surrounding Olivia as she made her way in. She looked like a damn angel, and Shane had to look away before he was blinded by her light.
“Hey, Liv!” Connor called out. He patted Shane’s shoulder. “I’ll leave you two alone.”
Shane dropped his head and turned toward the condiment tray, grabbing a jar of cherries.
“Uh oh. Trouble in paradise?” Connor asked.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Word of cousinly advice… Last night was the perfect example of what happens when you don’t talk. Talking is sometimes the most important thing we have.” Connor left for the kitchen, leaving his words to run through Shane’s mind.
Shane filled the rest of the tray and looked up. Olivia had put her bag down and tied her apron to her waist. She was in sneakers, a pair of shorts that showed off her sculpted legs, and a t-shirt that clung to her chest. Her brown hair was tousled and reminded him of how it looked fanned around her on his bed.
She was so damn beautiful it hurt. But what hurt even more was that he missed her. He missed her voice, her laugh, her touch, everything about her. Waking up without her beside him was the worst reality check of his life. He almost hoped it had all been a bad dream.
Afternoon slipped into night, and Olivia had uttered only two words to him. Pinot, regarding him asking what white her customer wanted, and lemon, when he forgot to put a wedge in a diet soda.
This was exactly what he wanted, but now that he had it, he wasn’t so sure. His eyes lingered on her as she went from one table to the next. She bent over, picking up a napkin she dropped, and he nearly lost his mind.
He excused himself to the bathroom before he couldn’t resist jumping over the bar and crashing his mouth to hers. Inside the bathroom, he threw cold water on his face. He looked up, catching his reflection. The light that he felt spark whenever he was with Olivia was gone, leaving his eyes lifeless and dull.
With a deep breath, he opened the door and went to head out when a hand slammed into his chest and forced him into the single bathroom. Olivia had fire in her eyes and determination in her stance.
“What are you doing?” he asked, resisting the urge to bend down and kiss her.
“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I had this vision that I would push you in here, and we’d reach for each other, stripping our clothes off. I guess I was wrong.”
His cock throbbed at the visual she created. He stood his ground, trying to be strong, but her fruity floral scent floated around him, drowning him in the mouth-watering aroma.
She shifted from one foot to the other, the lack of confidence in her demeanor showing in the way she fidgeted with her hands. He wanted to assure her that everything would be okay, but he couldn’t do that. It was the uncertainty that killed him. Dating him was like a game of Russian roulette, and the chance was too great for him to let her take.
She pinned him with her deep brown gaze. “I just don’t understand, and that’s what hurts the most. I thought what we had was special. Something to fight for.”
“It was special.” It was so special, and he would remember every second of their time together. “But you and I both know that I was your rebound.” If he could convince her, maybe he’d believe it himself.
She shook her head. “You were so much more than that.”
“You think I was, but in a few months, you’ll realize I was just the guy who helped you get over your ex. And I’m okay with that.”
“Well, I’m not!” She shoved at his chest, and his back hit the sink. Pain radiated up his spine, but it had nothing on the pain in his heart.
She blinked up at him, and his resolve waned. He snaked his hand around her waist and yanked her to him. Their mouths met in frenzied passion, and Shane was too weak to pull away. He thrust his tongue into Olivia’s mouth, grabbing her hair and tilting her head for a better angle.
She met his thrust with her own, their tongues a tangled mess of heartache and need. He loved this woman, and he couldn’t be weak for her. He reached deep for the strength to push her away, but it was right out of his grasp.
Her fingers dug into his back, and he lifted her, planting her ass on the sink. Her heel pushed into his back, forcing him closer. Her perfect breasts pressed against his chest. The vision of her pert pink nipples was a sweet, sweet memory. All he had to do was reach for the hem of her shirt, and he could relieve every perfect inch of her.
But fear of what he couldn’t change or control grabbed him by the throat. That strength that was out of his reach suddenly was close enough to seize.
He ran his hands up her arms, savoring the feel of her one last time, before tightening his grip and stepping back. “This is a mistake.”
The disappointment in Olivia’s eyes was the equivalent to a direct kick to the balls. She slid off the sink, adjusted her clothes, and ran a finger along her mouth. She nodded and went to walk out when she stopped, turning to face him. “Why don’t you stop lying to me now and be honest.”
***
There was no way in hell she was walking out of this bathroom without answers. He didn’t get to kiss her like that and then declare it was a mistake.
How could he want to deny himself what they had? Why was he punishing them? She waited for his answer, needing to know what it was that was making him run from them.
His chin fell to his chest, and he sighed. “I lived a good portion of my life in and out of hospitals, and I would never wish that life on anyone. I watched my mom give everything up for me, and when she was finally free of taking care of me, she got sick and died. She lost her life for me. If I get sick again, I couldn’t expect you to live that life.”
Unbelievable. He wouldn’t even let her make that choice on her own. “I have no say in any of this?”
“It’s for the best.”
“That’s a load of crap and you know it. You’re scared. And I get that, but I’m willing to take that risk. I love you.”
A spark lit his eyes, and she felt like she was finally getting through to him. She needed him to see that she didn’t care about any of it. All she cared about was having him in her life.
“And will you still love me if I have wires hooked up to my nose and mouth? Will you love me if the chemo makes me so sick, I don’t even have the strength to get out of bed to throw up? Will you love me then?”
The thought of seeing strong and healthy Shane, weak and sick unable to get out of bed hurt her heart. She sucked in a breath at the awful thought of Shane being crippled by a horrible disease.
“That’s what I thought.” Shane spun toward the door and sidestepped her.
“No, that’s not what…”
It was too late. He was already gone.
Chapter 22
Shane tossed what little clothes he had into his duffel bag. He had no idea where he was going, but he couldn’t stay in Morgan’s Bay. He’d ruined everything that was good about this place, and he couldn’t stick around and see Olivia every single day. He didn’t need the reminder that he let go of the best thing that had ever happened to him.
He could call her, go to her, beg her to forgive him, but she was right. He was scared. Scared of repeating the past and watching another person sacrifice everything for him. Nobody was worth that sacrifice, and he couldn’t let her think he was.
He looked around the house that had become a home in such a short time. He’d miss the stability and the comfort of the walls. He’d miss the nights when Olivia was curled up in his arms and he fell asleep, knowing she’d be the first person he saw when he woke.
He heard a car door, and his heart skipped a beat. Stupid. Even if it was Olivia, he had to be strong. A strong knock echoed through the house, and Shane went to th
e door. Shock rattled his insides as he stared back at the last person he ever imagined seeing again.
Grandfather stood in all his arrogance, tie tightened around his neck and draped over a crisp white shirt. A navy blazer sat against matching dress pants and gave way to brown shoes that probably cost more than what Shane had earned at the bar for the entirety of his time there.
The man looked as unfriendly as he was with the hard set of his mouth and the indifference in his eyes. Shane had nothing left to say to him. Shane stepped away from the door, leaving it open. If he wanted to come in, he could do so. It was his property after all.
“I’ll be out of here by the end of the week. I know that’s what you want.”
Grandfather made his way around the couch, finger dragging along the fabric as if he was going to dust check. He quickly shoved his fingers back in his pocket. “That’s not what I want.”
Shane came to a halt, his head spinning. “It’s not?”
“Not at all.” He rounded the couch. “Sit.”
Shane wanted to defy him, but curiosity had him plopping his ass down.
Grandfather sat on the couch, resting his ankle on his knee. “I need you to understand. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but your father was never one of them.”
“You have a real shitty way of showing that. First you let him take off and cut you out of his life, then you denied my mother when she came to you for help, and then you’ve been nothing but a prick to me since I showed up. I never expected you to roll out a red carpet, but I expected a little more hospitality from my own grandfather. I met a lot of people coming here and am grateful for how easily they accepted me into their lives. You have been my biggest disappointment.”
Grandfather’s brow furrowed, his wrinkles becoming more defined. “If we’re being honest, you’ve been a big disappointment for me, too.”
All Because of You (Morgan's Bay Book 1) Page 18
