“I’m lucky and I know it,” Kathy said, picking up flakes of the trout with her fingers. “I’ve got a great family. It’s not perfect and, yeah, we fight sometimes. But when it comes right down to it, we’re tight and we love one another. I’ve seen enough dysfunctional families to know that mine isn’t that bad.”
After finishing off the trout, Mac said, “You’re right. You have a healthy family. And knowing what I know now, I think you all survived the kidnapping pretty well.”
“Except me. I had to go out half-cocked and try to get revenge for my family. I wonder if I have Mafia blood in me and don’t know it?” She grinned at him as he laughed.
“I think you were the child that fell through the cracks on this,” Mac told her, his tone serious. “Maybe because you weren’t kidnapped, your parents thought you weren’t wounded by what happened, but you were. They just didn’t realize it, and you didn’t communicate it, either.” He sized her up, raising one eyebrow. “And that’s taught me a lot about you. You hide what you really feel.”
“Men do, too.” She dug into the potato salad. Mac had done a nice job with it, adding chunks of red pepper to make it look pretty.
“Guilty as charged.”
Kathy set her empty plate aside. She took a pot holder and moved the perking coffee to the edge of the grate, where it would stay warm, then got up to retrieve two tin mugs from their picnic basket. She sat back down on the log and, taking a deep breath, asked the questions that had been eating at her since they’d arrived in Montana.
“What do you think about my dad’s business? Do you like what you see? Has he courted you enough to make you quit the ATF and come work with him?” Kathy wrapped the pot holder around the coffeepot handle and poured the steaming brew into the mugs sitting at her feet.
“It’s tempting,” Mac admitted slowly. He placed his own empty plate behind the log where he sat. Picking up his mug, he watched the rising steam twist into the air. It was getting colder. Snow was on the way.
“My dad has a phenomenal record of sweet-talking the people he wants to come and work for him, and they all say yes.” She sipped the hot coffee carefully and then looked in his direction.
“What about you?” Mac asked. “You graduated from the Naval Academy at age twenty-two and you’re twenty-seven now. You have a six-year commitment with the military and two years to go. Are you going to re-up at that time or come back here and work for Perseus? I noticed Jason works with your dad. And Annie, his wife, is their corporate helicopter pilot. Morgan seems to want to keep Perseus a family affair.”
Nodding, Kathy sat there, her knees spread, elbows resting on them. The mug warmed her cool hands and fingers. Frowning, she said, “I know he wants me to come and work for Perseus after my six-year hitch is up.”
“So what’s stopping you?”
Mouth compressed, Kathy answered, “Nothing, really.”
“Maybe I need to be more straight with you,” Mac said, noting her surprised look. “Ever since I set eyes on you down there at the villa, I wanted to know you a helluva lot better than I could at that time. When this ops blew up under us and I found out who you really were, I got hopeful.” Opening his free hand, Mac felt fear moving through him. He had to get the truth out or it was going to eat him alive. “Kathy, if I take this job with Perseus it’s because I want to have time to develop a relationship with you. If I stayed undercover with the ATF, we might as well say goodbye. I don’t think any relationship could survive if I’m undercover for a year at a time. It would be impossible.”
“I see.” Her heart pounded as she stared down at her coffee cup.
“If I took this job with Perseus, I’d be available.” Mac laughed sheepishly, giving her a shy look. “I’m coming clean with you. And that’s why I was hedging about taking a job with your father. If you don’t think there’s anything between us, then I’m not quitting the ATF.” He gazed into her warm blue eyes, which were so soft and inviting. At that moment, her full lips parted, and he groaned inwardly. “If there is, then I want to court you right and proper. I know the next two years are going to be rough because I’m sure you’ll continue the South American assignments you were handling before. But at least we could see each other off and on.”
“Yeah, I talked to my C.O. about that already. He’s agreed to let me take assignments that are a month to three months long. I can take a week off between them and come home…here.” She waved her hand, indicating the pristine beauty of the woods surrounding them.
“How do you feel about that? About us?” His heart thundered in his chest. Mac had never been so scared. Not even while staring a Black Shark in the face. If Kathy said no, all the dreams he’d built over the last five months were his alone and not hers. He could barely stand that possibility. As he studied her confident profile, he wasn’t at all sure what her answer might be.
“You never mentioned having a man in your life,” he added, his voice husky. “Not that we’ve had a lot of time together to discuss our private lives until now.”
Kathy shifted, resting one knee on the log, touching his hip. Cup in hand, she said gently, “I’m not in a relationship right now, Mac. I haven’t been for about a year and a half. The guy I loved, Lieutenant Curt Shields, got killed in a firefight in Colombia. He was a Navy SEAL.”
“I’m sorry….” Mac felt his own chest constrict as darkness momentarily shadowed her magnificent azure eyes. “He must have been something.” Kathy was the kind of woman that only a man very comfortable with his own identity would be able to appreciate and desire. Men of weaker caliber would be highly threatened by her composure, confidence and leadership abilities. All that did was make him want her even more. To Mac, she was like sunlight, and he wanted to hold her, love her and share in that brilliant part of her.
Looking down at the cup, Kathy whispered, “Yeah, Curt was one of a kind.”
Mac’s heart dropped a mile. How could he possibly measure up to her lost love? “Maybe you aren’t ready for a relationship yet?”
Kathy lifted her head. “I really admire your guts, talking about how you feel. You’re braver than I am. At heart, I’m a coward.” She touched her chest for a moment. “I went through a lot of grieving after Curt was killed. It was after that that I decided to get even with Garcia. Drug dealers had wounded my family. They’d taken the man I loved.”
“You funneled your grief into revenge?”
“Exactly.” Kathy grimaced and sipped her coffee. As she looked up she could see that the clouds were getting lower, a solid, dark gray ceiling forming above them. In another couple of hours it would snow, she was sure. They were at a nine thousand foot elevation and the road was unpaved. When it got wet, it could quickly become impassable. Soon they’d have to leave, but she didn’t want to. Talking with Mac was like breathing air—essential to her life.
His brows were drawn, his eyes thoughtful. She knew he was listening to her with his head and with his heart. When he reached out, captured her hand and rested it on her knee, she felt a lot of old walls she’d hidden behind for a long time begin to dissolve. Mac had magic for her. And that gave her the courage to go on.
“When I saw you for the first time, I felt so safe with you, Mac.”
“You had no reason to,” he said, moving his fingers gently across hers. She had such beautiful hands. Flight hands.
“I know, but I did. Call it gut intuition, maybe.” She smiled awkwardly. “Anyway, it got so that I waited for the day I could see you. You flew a lot and we really didn’t get much quality time together, but I want to tell you, I hungered for your company. I loved having you nearby. I liked talking with you even though I couldn’t really be me.”
“So,” Mac whispered, taking a firm hold of her hand, “where does that leave us now?” He searched Kathy’s flushed face, noting that her eyes were bright with un-shed tears. When he saw her lower lip tremble he gently removed the cup from her hand and set it on the ground beside them. Without speaking, he brought Kathy close t
o him and placed his arm around her waist. The first tears trailed down her cheeks as he slid his fingers across the warm, firm flesh of her jaw.
“I’m afraid, Mac. So damn afraid,” she confessed, closing her eyes as his fingers trailed across her jaw and cheek. “I’m afraid if I admit I’m falling in love with you that I’ll lose you, too.” There. It was out. Opening her eyes, she looked up, to find Mac’s face blurred momentarily by her tears.
“Oh, bright angel,” he murmured, framing her face with his hands, “nothing in life is safe. You’ve got to know that by now….”
“I—I know. My heart’s scared, Mac.” So damn scared I feel like running away from you….
Mac smiled gently into her sparkling blue eyes. “You know, life is a game of chance, Kathy. I can’t stop you from feeling scared. What I can do is love you, like you, learn how to be your best friend and be at your side as much as I can.” As he searched her face, he saw a deep fear in her eyes. Mac understood where it came from: the kidnapping ordeal her family had undergone. At such a young, tender age, Kathy had had her family stripped from her. A very old tape played in her, one that told her no one she loved would be there for long; loved ones would be snatched away from her, as they had been before.
Mac gave her a broken smile and brushed the tears from her cheeks. “Listen to me. I’m not going to abandon you, Kathy. Yes, we’ll be separated a lot in the next two years, but that will change with time. We can make our relationship work. We can take this time and build it one solid brick at a time. No relationship worth keeping was ever built overnight, anyway.”
Just the gentle movement of his fingers against her damp face soothed some of the demons still clamoring inside her. “You’re like a dream come true, Mac. You always say the right things…to make me feel like this can work.” Kathy saw his mouth curve into a rueful smile.
“I just got lucky. I’m not always going to have the right words, Kathy. I’ll flounder around and make mistakes with you, with us. And so will you. But that doesn’t mean I won’t love you, because I always will.” His hands framed her face and he added in a hushed tone, “When we were escaping in the Blackhawk I knew without a doubt that I loved you, Kathy Trayhern.” He let his huskily spoken words sink into her. “I love you. I want you in my life now and in the future. I know it’s going to be rough, but I’m willing to work at it because you’re worth it. Frankly, I can’t see a life without you in it.” Mac smiled gently down at her. “Now, what do you say to that?”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
MAC LOVED HER. Kathy stared into his dark gray eyes. His black pupils were large and burning with tenderness as he held her bold stare. Mouth dry, her heart beating hard in her breast, she whispered, “I’m afraid, Mac.”
Touching her cheek, he whispered, “So am I. Can we be afraid together? Just like gladiators in an arena, we can keep our backs together to protect ourselves from all outside threats.”
Heat tunneled through Kathy as never before. The continued contact of his fingertips against her skin sent powerful waves of need through her. “I lost the only other man I loved to war.”
“I understand that, sweetheart. But what are you going to do? Say no to love for the rest of your life because of that? Life’s too short. How many times do we find the right person? Not often.”
Kathy sighed as his fingers trailed down her neck. “Maybe I’m a bigger coward than I ever realized, Mac.”
“We’re all cowards at heart in some way. It’s how we deal with our fear that really counts, Kathy. Are you going to let fear dictate your life? Or are you going to set it aside and grab on to something you really want?” Mac threaded his fingers through the gold strands of her hair. Her eyes turned that smoky-blue color telling him that she wanted him in all ways. “A coward would let the fear win. I don’t see you as a coward. I see you as courageous in the face of overwhelming odds. Look at what we did together back at Garcia’s place. Together, we took him down. Now if that isn’t teamwork, nothing is.” He chuckled.
The rumble of his laughter calmed her fear. “You’re right. I know you’re right.”
“Listen,” Mac said, becoming serious once again, “you’re the one who’s going back into black ops assignments in a few weeks. How do you think I’ll feel? I’ll worry for you every moment you’re away from me. When you love someone, Kathy, you get the sweetness of their life with yours, as well as the things that might tear you apart. You work in danger. I work in danger. All we can do is try to be careful, stay safe and know that we have someone waiting at home for us when we come off an assignment.”
His hand stroking her hair settled her down so that she could think through the haze of fear. Reaching up, Kathy grazed his strong, unyielding jaw. Mac was solid and strong. He endured. He had come from a terrible childhood and grown tough because of it. Like her. “You’re right,” she whispered unsteadily, tears welling up in her eyes and blurring his face. “I’m being a wimp about this.”
“Your reaction is based on your experience, Kathy. I don’t call that being a wimp. You have good reason to react the way you do.” Mac leaned down and brushed her mouth with his. He tasted the salt of her tears and absorbed them, as if to take the terror and the hurt away from her. “I love you,” he said gently against her lips. “I always will. I had nearly five months to realize that and I’m not running away from it now.” He moved his tongue across her lower lip. Feeling her tremble, he smiled, and felt her smile in turn. “I want to love you, Kathy. Love you until we melt into each other and become one.”
His words, a low, guttural growl, reverberated through her. Around her the sky was a gunmetal gray. The wind had stopped, or so it seemed. She felt as if the very earth was still, waiting for her answer. The soft gurgle of the wide, shallow river, the singing of the pines around them seemed to be urging her to take Mac into her body and into her terrified heart.
“Yes,” Kathy breathed finally, and began to unbutton his vest with unsteady fingers. His mouth clung to hers as she felt Mac start on the buttons of her goose down coat. The temperature was in the forties but she didn’t care. Her body was hot, feverish and yearning. As she eased off the vest and tackled his shirt, she continued to kiss him, clinging to his mouth.
Tugging the flannel shirt off his shoulders, she felt the smooth warmth of his skin beneath it, the powerful set of his shoulders, the tensing of his muscles wherever she grazed him. Mac got rid of his shirt, his massive chest exposed to her gaze and exploring hands. When her fingers curled in the dark mat of hair, she felt him groan.
Suddenly, her fear dissolved. In that moment her inhibitions seemed silly compared to the man who was now waging a passionate war to win her heart and her soul. Standing, Kathy held out her hand to him. “Let’s go to the blanket.”
Mac nodded and stood beside her. He squeezed her hand. “No regrets?”
Kathy led him to the blanket and sat down. As he knelt beside her, she said, “None.” The look in his eyes told her of his love for her. Wordlessly, she moved into his arms.
His mouth was hungry, taking hers as he removed her blouse. Kathy never wore a bra, preferring a cotton camisole. When Mac leaned back for a moment to slip it off, she saw raw hunger burning in his hooded gray eyes.
“You are so beautiful,” he murmured, sliding his hands around her breasts and cupping them reverently. “So extraordinarily beautiful.” He leaned down, ravishing her awaiting mouth as he stroked the curves of her full, firm breasts. Her moan, soft and musical, filled Mac with a heated desire that nearly overwhelmed him. Easing away from her lips, Mac smiled into her luminous eyes. “Lie down.”
The blanket was warm, the air cold on her heated body. Mac opened the button on her jeans and with both hands tugged the denim downward. She watched, mesmerized, as he scanned her lower body as if memorizing every inch. Mac pulled her jeans from her feet and tossed them aside. His hands settled on the dark blue wool socks she wore and she smiled at him.
He made taking socks off a whole new exper
ience. Mac slid his fingers into the top of her first sock and drew it down with excruciating slowness. As he did, he used his tongue to create a wet spot on her ankle, then softly kissed the area. Pulling the wool farther down, he moved his tongue across the top of her foot, smiling to himself when she moaned again. He was going to love every brave inch of her before he was done.
Wanting to memorize Kathy’s body, her sweet, womanly fragrance and taste, Mac eased the sock off her foot. He rested her heel on his thigh and took each of her toes into his mouth and suckled on them. Kathy’s fists were opening and closing now. It made Mac feel good to know he could give her such pleasure. The look on her face was one of barely constrained hunger as he set that foot down and began a sweet assault on the second one.
Kathy was going crazy, feeling wild bolts of lightning moving up her legs and converging in her lower body. She ached for Mac! And after he had driven her to the edge by taking off her socks, he started sliding his hands provocatively up her legs, stopping to kiss her here and there, his tongue tracing hot, wet patterns upon her tense, screaming flesh.
Feeling helplessly aroused, Kathy wanted to sit up and grab him and press her mouth to his. But he wrapped his hand around her shoulder, holding her down. She saw him give her a feral smile, his eyes glittering.
“Hey,” he whispered in a husky tone, “I’ve spent five months waiting to love you. You have no idea how many sleepless nights I’ve had, thinking about how I was going to do it.”
She laughed softly and stopped fighting his hand, which kept her pinned to the blanket. “Okay, okay,” she whispered breathlessly. “Don’t ever stop.”
Gliding his palms across her ribs, Mac placed a series of heated, lingering kisses on the right side of her torso. As he approached her breast, her taut nipple, he smiled. Kathy gripped his arm, silently begging him to touch her. He settled his mouth around that tight little peak and gently began to suckle. Instantly, she groaned and curved her body around his. He slid his arm beneath her neck, the other against her long, strong spine, holding her captive as he teased her with his tongue.
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