I heard Foss cry out, and my heart raced anew. Uncle Rick was shouting, and Jens was grunting as Jamie tried to be helpful without getting both of us hurt in the process. It was madness.
Seven kanins came mindlessly scampering toward us, hopping in a direction they did not understand with their bunny ears, raccoon bodies and squirrel tails. They looked at each other like, “What the crap are you doing here? Don’t you see the dangerous human female? Girlfriend’s gonna make coats out of us.”
“It’s like living with the friggin’ pied piper with you around,” I commented, marveling at Mace’s talent. “Okay, Britta? Can you kill them? Is that too scary?”
Britta shook her head and stabbed downward. I closed my eyes on instinct as the seasoned farmer and well, sister of Jens butchered all seven kanins that had no choice but to let her.
The scent of blood worked quicker than I could’ve hoped. The Circhos untangled himself from Jens and Foss, as if he had been tolerating their antics, but now daddy was tired of wrestling and wanted some dinner.
My hands felt small and incapable as the black tree bark zombie twice my size ambled toward me. His teeth were gnashing, but his focus was not on me. His eyes followed the trickle of blood that dripped down the gray fur of my little bunny in my outstretched hand. “Here, sweetheart. Are you hungry?” I offered the meat to him as if it was the last of my milkshake, and I just didn’t care for it anymore.
Inside, I was screaming and sobbing and blubbering to Linus all the things I wished I would’ve done in life.
The Polyphonic Spree. I’d never seen them in concert, and now I most likely never would.
I’d never tried calamari because it looked disgusting, but now I wished for the chance. Who knows? Maybe it tastes like Skittles.
I’d never finished The Hunchback of Notre Dame. That wasn’t so much a regret of mine, but now I’d never know if the end of the book was worthy of being upset I’d missed it.
I kissed my unimaginative dream life goodbye and welcomed the nightmares that would come as Circhos progressed in his drunken stalk toward me. He made a noise that sounded pleased, almost like cooing and purring all at once.
As he reached me, I could see more details that made my welcoming smile feel that much more forced. He had three toes on each foot, and the smaller foot was definitely around my size. We could’ve shared a blue Chuck Taylor, for sure. His fingers were gnarled, but as he moved his arms, I realized that they moved in lightning-fast scissor kind of motions. He was bald, and one eye fit his head, but in keeping with his manky foot and arm, his left eye was smaller. “Well, you’re just a cutie.” I beamed my bravest smile at him and set one of the bunnies down between us.
Bald Zombie Edward Scissorhands looked at me as if to size up my sincerity in offering him the gift. No doubt he was the one on the playground that the kids offered to play tag with, but really it was just an excuse to tape a “stupid” sign to his back and run away laughing, while no one did you a solid and told you it was there. Been there, buddy.
It was then I realized he was alone. There was no Deformed Monster and Guest at our little party. I’d eaten alone at my fair share of lunch tables when Linus was out for chemo. I kinda hated it. It brought about a stigma in middle school that was hard to shake.
I could see Jens and Foss catching their breath and trying to make sense of what captured the attention of their newest wrestling buddy. As if in slow motion, I watched both of their faces twist in horror as they bolted toward me like sprinters with a bullet chasing them. “Lucy, run!” Jens yelled as he charged.
“No!” I commanded, holding my hands up to stop them. “He’s just hungry.”
I couldn’t think of a proper name for him, so like always, I went with the first thing that popped into my head. “Go on, Thomas Jefferson. It’s all yours.”
I’m still not sure why I did it, but something compelled me to sit down, legs folded across from him to show him I was no threat. I also wanted to instill a bit of civility to the moment. As there was no table to eat at, we made do with the spongy wet grass.
Thomas Jefferson turned as Foss and Jens approached and swatted at them, sending both warriors flying backward to the shore that lapped nearby.
Britta was crying, and Jamie was yelling at me in my head and aloud, but I ignored them all. There was no one else in the world but me and Thomas Jefferson. I tried not to tremble as I pushed the kanin closer to him, reminding him of the gift.
I nearly sobbed aloud when Thomas Jefferson sat down across from me. It was an effort destitute of grace, but I beamed up at him that he humored my rules of proper table manners.
Thomas Jefferson reached for the bunny, watching me for any false moves as he brought it to his mouth. My smile remained fixed in place to cover over the terror that was racing through my veins.
Foss and Jens regained their footing, but they were too confused by what they saw to act. They obeyed my wishes and gave us a little space.
Watching Thomas Jefferson eat was a true test to my delightful hostess demeanor. He did not pick away the fur, but gnawed his way through it, discarding the bones only after he sucked all the meat and blood away.
“What’s the plan, Loos?” Jens yelled. I could tell he was still thinking of a way to overtake the Circhos by force.
“He’s hungry. Look around you,” I said in a cheery voice with my smile still stuck to my face. Lucky Thomas Jefferson had no ears and couldn’t hear our conversation. He could only sense my disposition, so I kept it light and cheery. “The rain’s limited his food source. He doesn’t want a fight. He wants food.” I nodded encouragingly as Thomas Jefferson looked to me for approval. “Poor baby’s starving.”
“You’re going to get us killed!” Jamie argued, livid at the risk I was taking.
“I’m pretty sure we were losing the fight anyway. Did you want me to stand back and let him kill Jens and Foss first? He was coming for the git with the arrows next.” I offered Thomas Jefferson another bunny from my stash, dropping it between us. He gathered it with his smaller arm onto his lap with covetous affection for the meal he had not been able to find on his own.
“Lucy, he’s going to eat you next!” Mace exclaimed.
I shrugged. “Then I die. It’s not like all of you didn’t know this was a possibility. I don’t fight, and I’m useless with all this outdoorsman kind of stuff. Surprised I lasted this long.”
“Just stand slowly and back away,” Jens instructed.
I ignored him. “Everyone listen to me. Mine is the only plan that hasn’t gotten anyone beaten up. Jamie, go as far as the link will let you. Everyone else, just go.”
“Lucy, we won’t leave you here,” Uncle Rick protested in his best impersonation of someone I obeyed. “You’re eating with the equivalent of a zombie or a Yeti!”
“Well, I don’t believe in Yetis. I have a plan. May not be a great one, but either way, just go. If I die, I die.”
“Then I die!” Jamie argued.
“Then you die. Same as when you ran out to fight the golden boars in the Warf without considering what it cost me. You did the right thing for the group, and now it’s my turn,” I answered succinctly, grinning at Thomas Jefferson as he broke a bone clean in two with his teeth. “You had to know death was a possibility. You weren’t exactly besting him earlier. And Uncle Rick, putting my life in danger’s exactly what you’ve been asking me to do this entire time. Don’t act all concerned now.” I took a steadying breath and kept my calm smile in place. “Now, go. I mean it. He doesn’t trust you.”
“As soon as the kanins are gone, he’s coming for you,” Charles warned.
“There’s not much in me worth eating,” I joked, though it was a forced humor that fell flat. “I donated part of my liver, buckets of blood and bone marrow to keep my brother alive, and he up and died anyway. Maybe it was my parts that killed him.” For some reason, I choked out a nervous laugh I’d been holding onto ever since Linus died. “I can’t really explain to you what it f
eels like to go through all that and still lose your best friend, but I guess it tends to make a person a little reckless. So, go. If Thomas Jefferson eats me, he’ll probably die, too. Problem solved.”
No one moved. I probably should’ve been pissed that they didn’t obey, but I was touched they wouldn’t let me die alone. Somewhere between earth and Undra, I’d made friends. A little family of misfits that somehow banded together when we needed a proper fit most.
Jens’s tone was soft, like a cop trying to talk a jumper off a ledge. “Lucy, honey, you didn’t kill Linus. Your bone marrow kept him alive way longer than he would’ve lasted without it.”
As if he could sense my pain, Thomas Jefferson broke the bunny’s neck and ripped its head from its body. I smiled kindly as I let out a muffled scream. Then he did the sweetest thing any monster had ever done for me. He extended his hand and offered me the head. I could tell he was starving, and that this cost him dearly.
I didn’t have the heart to turn away his gift. “Huh. Not so much a monster after all. Thank you, Thomas Jefferson.” I took his generosity in my hands and put it to my mouth, doing my best to convince him we were sharing a meal. Thomas Jefferson bared his fangs to me in what could only be described as a smile.
“What the… What is she doing?” Foss marveled.
“Stay away,” I ordered in a pleasant tone. “He hates you all for hurting him. Plus, I don’t feel like laplanding with any more of you. I’ll handle him by myself.”
Jens spoke into the hand that was covering his mouth. “Baby, only you could get a Circhos to come to a tea party. How did you… you’re amazing.”
I had nothing to say to this. He didn’t know my end game, and I doubted he’d have that dreamy eye for me after that. “Please go, guys. You don’t want to be here for this.”
“Are you going to make him your new puppy?” Charles asked, forcing levity into a moment so tense, you could pluck it like a fiddle’s string.
“No. My wolf’s dead. I’m going home after this. He’s your big, bad monster for this region? I’ll handle it so your world can be safer, and then I’m going home.” I slowly stood, jerking my head toward the ocean that was gently lapping.
Thomas Jefferson stood, limping after me with his half a rabbit he was nearly done with. He roared at me when I stepped into the water, but I smiled up at him as if I didn’t have a care in the world. I dipped my rabbit in the ocean and washed it off, showing him the nice, clean meat that was easier to get at.
I moved a few feet into the body of water, rinsing off the others as he watched curiously from the shore. He was afraid of the water, and I understood why. With one side of his body too small to carry him, I guessed he could not swim. Poor puppy. I waved him forward, offering another bunny to bring him out to where the water lapped at my knees.
He took a step into the water, breathing unevenly. He roared and screeched again, but when he saw that I was safe where I stood, he moved forward, eyeing the lapping waves with great trepidation. I cooed to him, urging him toward me with words he could not hear.
When he snatched at the bunny I offered, I turned facing out toward the moon. Big, enormous and red, the craters absorbed what little light they could and gave depth to the overwhelming sight I was certain I would never forget. I pointed to the orb and pretended to eat my bunny head. My finger slicked over the eyeball, and I nearly vomited into the skull. The horror mixed with the moment of peace and made for a blur of understanding between us. The moon was beautiful, and we were having a picnic. Aside from, well, everything else, it was a lovely moment.
Thomas Jefferson’s munching sounds involved a fair amount of slurping and grunting. He breathed like a chubby guy, though he was all muscle.
I took a risk, ignoring Jens’s shouting and Charles’s pleas to come back, and stepped forward. Thomas Jefferson watched me walk until the water was up to my neck. I kept the floating bunnies clearly visible.
Thomas Jefferson walked out to me. The water lapped at my chin, but only came up to his waist. Call me a prude, but I was glad his monster man area was covered up at last. Took my level of awkwardness down a notch. I handed him a bunny, and he rewarded me with an expression akin to a smile. It had too many long teeth, and instilled a fear in me I would never get over, but sure enough, he was pleased with himself for braving the wild and making a new friend.
Despite everything, I was proud of him, too. I understood why he didn’t care for the water, and why the flood was a greater danger to him, even with his muscles and superior height.
I grinned at him, picking at my bunny skull’s fur, deciding which parts would fit into the Zone diet as he slathered and drooled over his. He had blood dripping down his face and hands, which I tried not to be terrified by.
I pointed to the moon again, ignoring Jamie’s shouting in my head. I pushed out everyone’s fear and instructions so I could communicate with my pet Yeti.
Thomas Jefferson looked at the moon while I talked, knowing he could hear none of it. It was our own private moment, and I was determined to give him a good last meal. “We don’t have a moon like that where I come from.”
He glanced at me, pausing from his feast. Then he decided to give up any pretense of listening, since we both knew he couldn’t hear me anyway.
“I wish I could tell you how much more I trust you than Foss. That you probably need a friend even more than Charles, or that I can see you wouldn’t put me near harm, like Uncle Rick does. I get that.”
He discarded his carcass and pawed at mine, kifing it from me with his scissorhands. He pulled away the fur, cracked open the skull and handed it to me, pointing to the delicious brains inside I could tell he was salivating over.
Huh. He really did understand friendship better than most.
Not one to be a jerk when someone did something kind for me, I scooped out the brains with my fingers and bent my head down so he didn’t catch me not eating my dinner. I got a fair amount of blood on my chin and in my mouth and nearly cried, but swallowed it down with the fear and grinned up at Thomas Jefferson.
He gave me another terrifying smile, his wonky small eye gleaming that he’d been able to help me out.
He trusted me, which made it all the worse.
The last step of my plan required a steadier hand than I had at the moment, but I muscled through anyhow. With my gaggle of bunnies clutched tight in my hand, I pointed to the moon and began swimming towards it.
He followed after me for a few paces, but when the water touched his chest, he stopped. Whining like a grizzly bear, he beckoned me to come back.
I needed him to follow me. There was no other way. Foss couldn’t take him down. Jens got thrown around like a rag doll. Until I left Undraland, they were mine to protect, and there was no way Thomas Jefferson would just let them go after they proved such an annoyance.
Instead of turning back to him, I swam a few feet further out and took a risk I was unsure would pay off. In a theatric performance that could be seen from the shore, I let go of the bunnies. “Oh, no!” I cried, pointing my most sad and scared face at my new friend. “Help me! They’re floating away!”
I knew they would only float a few more seconds before they sank, so I pretended I desperately needed his help to retrieve them. It involved a lot of miming, a little begging and the lack of a soul.
Thomas Jefferson growled at the loss of food and threw himself past me. The water touched his chin, and he panicked, thrashing his large arm about and consequently pushing the bunnies farther out of his reach. He lunged for them again, per my instruction.
Then it happened.
Thomas Jefferson lost his footing and barely broke the surface as he tried to figure out how to tread water. With one side of his body shorter and less dexterous than the other, he whirled through the water like a T-rex, loud but ineffectual.
I cried as I launched myself toward the shore, kicking his head further down, depriving him of the oxygen he so desperately needed.
He’d needed a
friend. He’d needed food.
I’d given him both for a moment before I killed him. The glitter of Undraland had turned to dust.
I swam toward the horrified men and the sobbing Britta. After looking over my shoulder to confirm that the lack of splashing meant my Yeti puppy was dead, I stalked out of the water, not meeting any of their eyes.
Walking past them, I saw the bloody bowling ball Thomas Jefferson had been carrying when he first attacked us. Upon closer inspection I realized it was not a ball at all. It was a head.
Harold’s head.
I’d sent Harold away to save him from Foss. I’d sent him straight into the arms of my monster. Yet another death rested on my withering conscience.
“It’s done,” I breathed, marching past the flabbergasted group with blood on my face, ice in my veins and nothing in my soul. “Take me home.”
Twenty-Six.
Linus
Once Charles had washed my face and sucked the water from my clothing, the others began recapping their favorite parts of the slow takedown. Foss and Jens cared nothing for their injuries, instead participating in the lively recounting of the events surrounding Thomas Jefferson’s undoing. They asked questions, but I did not answer.
I did not speak. They were afraid of me beneath the awe, and they were right to feel so. I’d made a friend just to kill him. I couldn’t think of anything worse.
They ate, but I did not. The smell of the stale bread sent my stomach heaving. I barfed up rabbit blood and the little food in my stomach a ways off from the fire Alrik had made for us to sleep next to.
Britta held my hair back and rubbed my spine as I sobbed over my puke. Angel that she was rinsed my mouth out with water from her canteen and held me to her chest while I cried. Jamie felt my self-loathing through the bond and lent his comfort in the form of a strong hand on my back. “It had to be done,” he assured me. Together they held me while my white picket fence drifted further and further away.
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