‘Yes – yes I am,’ I said firmly, stealing a sideways glance at Malcolm, who still wasn’t looking at me. ‘But I must speak to Gabriel.’
He and Emily seemed to have disappeared. I hoped Malcolm hadn’t driven him out. The light was fading outside and Jinni had lit candles around the kitchen. Glasses and plates covered the table. Someone had set up an iPod and dock next to the range and Jack Johnson’s mellow voice was coming through the speakers. The air coming in from the open back door was warm and Jinni was standing outside on the paving stones, where the outhouse had been, with a cigarette, blowing the smoke out in expert rings, which Fran was ostentatiously flapping away.
‘Are you under duress?’ I asked. Jinni shook her head. ‘This is a treat ciggie not a stress one.’
‘Terrible for the skin,’ said Caroline, joining us. ‘And you look so good …’
‘Just goes to show they can’t be all bad, then.’ Jinni grinned.
‘It’ll get you when you’re older,’ Fran gave a small cough.
‘How are things?’ I said, steering her away from Jinni, who was gesturing behind her back. ‘We haven’t spoken for ages. Is Jonathan with the kids?’
‘Yep, I said I wouldn’t stay long.’ She took a mouthful of what looked like fizzy water. ‘We’ll be able to have lunch again soon. I’m going back to work!’
‘Gosh! But what about–’
‘Only four days a week. We’re getting an au pair.’
‘Will she be able to–?’
‘She’s a mature student from Switzerland. Wants to come for a year. Done childcare. Not very attractive.’ Fran looked pleased. ‘Don’t want Jonathan getting any ideas.’
‘Well, that’s great!’, I said, looking around for Gabriel as Fran rattled on about the new job and how ironic it would be that we’d probably see more of each other when we could meet in London, than we did living in the same town …
‘When my mother was my age,’ she said, ‘I only ever remember her cooking and knitting. She wasn’t knackered all the time like we are.’
‘Probably didn’t have your opportunities, either,’ said Alice sternly, coming past us with a mug of something. She yawned.
‘I might try knitting,’ I said, thinking about the little heartbeat Sam would soon be able to hear for sure.
‘Try sex instead, darling,’ Caroline was behind us. ‘Forty-eight is the new twenty-seven – you’re supposed to be out there having a ball!’
Fran rolled her eyes. ‘Chance would be a fine thing.’ She emptied her glass. ‘I’m going to say goodbye. The twins wake at five.’
‘I think your sister is ready for bed too.’ Jinni pointed through the window to where Alice was now sitting in a chair with her eyes closed. ‘She could have stayed here,’ she went on. ‘But I’ve only got the one proper guestroom ready and–’
‘I’m to be the very first customer,’ Caroline smiled. ‘Fabulous space, have you seen it?’
I saw Gabriel and Ben were back in the kitchen carrying bottles of beer. As I reached Gabriel’s side, I heard Jinni’s voice hard behind me: ‘What’s he doing here?’
I swung around, ready to defend the young man who’d found the courage to come back and face us, but Jinni was staring past me to the door to the hall. Where, standing next to my daughter, smiling at me over an enormous bouquet, was David.
I left Tilly, explaining he’d only popped in briefly and hustled David back into the hall. He held out the flowers. My hands were shaking again. There were orchids and stephanotis wound in among creamy roses, finished with greenery, tied with raffia, the sort of arrangement I adored. I brought it up to my face to play for time.
‘Thank you,’ I said primly. ‘They’re beautiful and they smell gorgeous too.’
‘I would say “like you” but it would sound cheesy,’ he said.
‘It also wouldn’t be true,’ I said, catching sight of myself in the mirror and remembering I was wearing pyjamas. My hair, left to its own devices, looked decidedly unkempt and I was flushed from shock and booze. I didn’t want anything to do with David, but vanity made me wish I’d not waved away Caroline’s offer to do my face properly and had listened when she suggested I nip home for a dress. Was I even wearing deodorant?
‘You look pretty good to me,’ he said, hands on my waist, stroking my sides through the thin fabric. ‘All dressed for bed, I see …’
‘I wasn’t expecting– it was a surprise,’ I squeaked, my nerve ends leaping despite myself.
‘Yes, Tilly told me …’
‘She shouldn’t have done really, not with Jinni–’
‘She only told me it was your birthday – I asked her what you were doing.’ He took the flowers from me and laid them on Jinni’s hall table. ‘I was hoping to get here earlier and see you alone,’ he went on, ‘but I’ve only just got back from the airport …’ He pulled me closer to him and began to brush his lips gently across my cheek. ‘I’ve missed you.’
A ripple ran down my back. ‘What?’ I said sharply, stepping back. ‘I haven’t heard a word from you.’
He pulled me towards him again. ‘Sorry,’ he murmured into my neck. ‘Really busy. Beijing was full on–’ His fingers were stroking my shoulders, trailing across my throat, moving down. ‘This silk feels nice …’ I could feel his breaths deepening.
‘And what about Lucia?’ I enquired.
He carried on stroking. ‘I told you. It’s been an on-off thing.’ He gave a harsh laugh. ‘And it’s very much off now! She’s in a strop with me, so even if I wanted to–’
‘Which I’m sure you will in the future,’ I said briskly, pulling back from him again.
‘No, no. It’s you. What about coming over later? I realise I’m not welcome here.’ He jerked his head towards the closed kitchen door.
Thoughts of Jinni emboldened me. ‘I don’t think so,’ I said. ‘I’m not into one-night stands.’
He stood back too. ‘Well, I’m not asking you to marry me!’ He gave another laugh and I felt my face flush. ‘But I think I would like to see you for more than one night–’
He came closer. ‘Jinni’s been talking, hasn’t she? This is very different, I promise you. You and I will have fun. Don’t listen to that bitter old shrew–’ There was something in his tone. I looked properly into his eyes for the first time and wondered how many drinks he’d had on the plane.
‘Jinni’s been a very good friend to me, I said levelly. ‘And we’re the same age.’
‘She looks older.’
‘No she doesn’t.’
He was running his hands over the silk on my back, but it wasn’t filling me with any sort of thrill now. Over his shoulder I saw the kitchen door open and Malcolm appear. He surveyed us impassively then his mouth twisted with disapproval. I felt instant shame.
He walked past us, picked up his jacket from the carved oak newel post and went silently out of the front door. It clunked shut behind him. I stepped right away from David.
‘I think you’d better go,’ I said. ‘Jinni doesn’t want you here.’
And, neither, I realised with cold certainty, did I.
They were still chatting and laughing as I went back into the kitchen.
I saw Caroline and Jinni exchange glances as I walked towards them. Caroline raised her eyebrows and I shook my head. ‘He’s gone,’ I said shortly. I felt a strange anxiety pain in my solar plexus as I thought of Malcolm’s face. The set of his shoulders as he disappeared through the door.
‘Good,’ said Jinni.
‘Lovely flowers.’ Caroline was still scrutinising me.
‘They’re in the hall. You can have them.’
Jinni and Caroline locked eyes again. ‘I’ll put them in your room.’ Jinni turned to me. ‘Come on, I’ll show you!’ Jinni led me upstairs and along a low-lit landing, freshly painted in white and tasteful shades of grey. She pushed open the door and switched on a lamp.
The room was lovely with stripped floorboards, a huge iron bedstead, crisp white bedding a
nd antique furniture. A single rose sat in a tall glass tube on the marble mantelpiece over the Victorian fireplace. A white embroidered cushion lay plumped in the beautifully restored rocking chair alongside a free-standing full-length looking glass with drawer beneath, which matched the style of the bevelled mirror on the opposite wall. Caroline’s smart red-leather holdall sat on the floor by the window.
‘Wow,’ I said.
She showed me the gleaming grey and white bathroom, with its old-style freestanding bath and piles of fluffy white towels. Then turned and gave me a searching look. ‘Are you upset?’
‘No.’
‘So you and David–?’
‘There is no me and David.’
‘I’m relieved.’
‘Yes, you were right!’ I said briskly. ‘He does appear to be a commitment-phobe, or whatever you call it, doesn’t want to marry me, I quote, but will be up for a shag to amuse us both.’ I sounded bitter and I tried to smile to soften it, then realised I was simply baring my teeth.
Jinni nodded. ‘I was thinking of you. Really.’ she said.
‘So what did happen with you two?’
‘Oh.’ She shrugged. ‘We met at the open day for this place. He seemed very keen. And I was too, to be honest–’ She gave a lopsided smile. ‘It had been a while. But it was just an opportunistic leg-over while he found out how much I’d offer.’
‘I’m sure he fancied you rotten,’ I said honestly. ‘You’re gorgeous.’
‘At first he did. But once he’d got me dangling where he wanted, I saw him wrapped around that dark-haired girl he always goes back to …’
‘Lucia.’
‘Yeah, apparently the silly cow is so besotted she puts up with his little away-days. So I told him to fuck off and stay there, and then of course, he was all over me – had a really good go at getting me back–’
Jinni smiled grimly. ‘But I got him instead. I objected to his mate’s planning application and slapped on a couple of tree preservations right where David wanted to put his conservatory.’ Jinni gave one of her dirty laughs.
‘Anyway – you won’t believe this but the bloke over the back – Mark – is quite a nice guy when you get to know him. He’s promised to point his extension windows the other way if I stop kicking up with the council.’
She gave me a grin. ‘I think we could have quite a useful working arrangement. Because – guess what! He’s not quite such great mates with Mummy’s Boy now – he says David has basically shafted him by–’ She broke off as we heard Caroline calling urgently up the stairs.
Back in the hall, my friend looked worried. ‘I can’t find Malcolm,’ she said. ‘Have you seen him?’
‘He’s gone,’ I said shortly, walking on into the kitchen, suddenly needing another drink.
Caroline caught up with me just as I was pouring a glass of Prosecco. ‘What do you mean, gone?’ she demanded, grabbing my arm.
‘Left when David was here.’
‘Oh, for God’s sake.’ She looked at Jinni, who had appeared on my other side. Jinni shook her head.
‘So what?’ I said crossly, although I had a peculiar pain in my solar plexus. ‘He’s hardly being the life and soul, is he?’
Again, my two friends exchanged looks.
‘He bought all the champagne,’ said Caroline quietly.
‘And paid for the food,’ added Jinni.
‘OH!’ I felt another sharp pang through my middle as I digested this. ‘Well, he’s still bloody grumpy,’ I said defensively. ‘And cold-hearted. Look at the way he sacked Gabriel when the poor boy–’
‘He didn’t!’ Jinni cut across me.
‘What?’
‘Gabriel’s still got a job – go and ask him!’
‘No – he’d left the paper, I asked Emily. And Malcolm stopped her telling me–’
‘That Gabriel was pitching up. It was part of the surprise,’ Caroline interrupted. ‘Malcolm’s a goodie – he’s trying to make it up with you.’ She spoke slowly, as if I’d have trouble getting it. ‘He – really – likes – you.’
I swallowed, filled with joy and relief and panic that I’d blown it. ‘He’s got a funny way of showing it.’
Caroline shook her head as if I were beyond help. ‘I rather think that’s the point …’
Chapter 42
‘He was pretty decent in the end.’ Gabriel looked moved all over again. ‘He took me to the pub and said I was a total and complete ass. But then he said he’d done stupid things when he was young and that I probably had the makings of a half-functional reporter if I removed my head from my rear.’ Gabriel gave a rueful smile.
‘He told me to take two weeks off and see my dad and talk to him and then we’d start again. I go back on Monday.’
I realised my mouth was open. ‘But he was so angry at all the damage you did–’
Gabriel’s smile was small and sad now. ‘He said he understood. He said we do strange things when–’ Gabriel stopped. ‘He said a load of stuff. He was decent,’ he repeated, his voice breaking.
I put my hand on his arm. ‘And how was your dad?’
‘He was better when I left.’ Gabriel hesitated. ‘He doesn’t really talk about her either. But I did this time and I think it helped.’
‘You can always talk to me,’ I said, swallowing hard. ‘You and I Gabriel, we can’t– but we can– we’re still good friends aren’t we?’ I finished in a rush.
Gabriel nodded. ‘Malcolm said if I tried any funny business with you, he’d break my arm.’
I went into a corner of the garden and dialled. His phone went straight to voicemail.
The younger ones were outside too now, grouped around on garden chairs or perched on the low wall. Ben had got hold of a guitar from somewhere and was tuning it.
‘He’s switched it off,’ I said to Caroline.
‘Landline number?’
‘I’ll ask Grace.’
If he had one, Grace had certainly not troubled herself to memorise it, she told me tartly.
‘You’ll have to go over there,’ said Caroline decisively. ‘Who can drive? Who’s not been drinking?’
We looked blankly around. ‘We’ll get you an Uber,’ said Caroline, tapping at her phone. Jinni snorted. ‘Are you kidding? In Northstone? I’ve got a taxi number but it might take ages.’
I left them ringing it while I ran over the road and changed into jeans and t-shirt. I felt unaccountably anxious now.
‘I heard Fran saying a very fulsome thank you to Malcolm for being so kind that night her kid was ill,’ said Caroline, when I’d returned.
‘Why are you making me feel bad?’ I said, upset. ‘You were the one who first made me go out with David.’
Caroline took a sip from the flute in her hand. ‘That’s before I’d realised he was a self-seeking cad and Malcolm was in love with you,’ she said calmly.
‘Of course he isn’t!’
‘He put on this party for you, hoping that …’ she stopped and looked reproving. ‘Apparently he’s invited you to dinner several times and you’ve always turned him down.’
‘Twice,’ I said.
‘And the last time you saw him you stomped off.’
‘What? He was all terse and too busy to–’
‘And he didn’t push it because he thought you and David–’
‘How do you know all this?’ I said, thinking uncomfortably of David’s arms around me in front of Malcolm earlier.
Caroline gave me a look. ‘Apart from the fact that it’s bloody obvious, Jinni quizzed him when he came to apologise for Gabriel. She told him it was your birthday–’
‘How did she know?’
‘Sam told her. She’d planned a tea for you, then Jinni and Malcolm took it over … He must be so disappointed …’
‘Stop it!’ I was feeling terrible now.
‘Then tell him how you feel.’
‘How DO I feel? Why are you assuming–?’
Caroline looked stern. ‘Do you know how much you
talked about him when you were staying with me? You might have thought you’d been lusting after David, but I could see where your heart really lay …’
‘Cab’s here!’ yelled Jinni from the front door. She rolled her eyes towards Caroline as I went past her. ‘For someone who’s not romantic,’ she muttered, ‘she doesn’t half like a happy ending.’
So did I, I thought, as the taxi sped along the dark country lanes. Caroline was exaggerating how Malcolm felt, but he had been a good friend to me – and an even better one to Gabriel, it transpired – and I had misjudged him.
I would apologise the moment he opened the door. I’d say I appreciated all his generosity in supplying booze for my celebrations and was sad he’d left so early. I would explain that I didn’t know then what I knew now, and that if I had I would have given him a big hug. As I thought it, I realised how much I wanted to … and not just a hug either.
Caroline was right. The way I felt about Malcolm was more than I’d ever felt for David, much more. This was deeper. This was real. I’d been in some sort of denial. But I was out of it now.
My stomach was churning as I paid the driver. The cottage was mostly in darkness, but his car was parked outside. I grasped the knocker and banged it hard. Nobody came. I waited a moment or two and found the bell push on the doorframe.
I heard an old-fashioned ring jangle through the building. Still there was no other sound within and the door remained closed. Was he deliberately ignoring me? Feeling sick, I knocked again.
Suddenly I remembered his young blackbird – maybe he was in the shed. I walked around the side of the house, feeling my way in the dark, ducking under trees and dodging around bushes, finding a wooden side gate set into a wall. I lifted the latch, praying it would not be bolted from the other side. It opened. An outside light shone down on the paving stones in front of the French windows and there, a little further up, was the silhouette of a figure sitting on the same bench we’d shared before. He didn’t look round.
Malcolm was staring straight ahead of him down the dark garden. ‘It’s me,’ I said softly, as I came up beside him.
Mum in the Middle Page 32
