And Billy. Billy.
When I paid your phone bill
in Calgary I noticed
you called Ed Festus,
not once but twice.
Didn’t I tell you
that he’s not to be
talked to?
How many times
have you gotta be told, eh?
On the positive side
the tour’s almost over.
You’re all getting paid
right after the show.
NEW GRAFFITI IN THE O-ZONE MEN’S ROOM
PIPE FEELS RIPPED OFF
I was promised almost two thousand dollars. Now Joe informs me I might make six hundred. I should’ve known this couldn’t work. Story of my life—this couldn’t work.
I never grew up with money like Joe. Even John and Billy grew up middle-class. When we first started out those guys had great gear— Gibsons and Fenders and big Marshall amps. I had the same drums I got when I started. A bright orange kit my folks bought at Sears.
Joe, John, and Billy write all the songs. They get the royalties from composing and publishing. And Joe gets his piece for being the leader. So what do I get for all my labour? A lie that I’ll make almost two thousand dollars.
JOHN’S TOUR DIARY
May 18 (p.m.)
I’m writing this, my last entry of the tour, in the post office. Joe just informed me that my journal has been deemed a threat to the band. Well, fuck that! What the hell has happened to us anyway?
When we first started out we were united around a common goal. We hated the way the world had become. Capitalism, oppression, prejudice, censorship—these were things we rallied against. And the fact that popular music ignored these issues made us all the more resolute. We knew we couldn’t change the world, but we at least felt we could be a part of something good.
I remember the first time I met Bucky Haight. He was sitting in Joe’s kitchen, singing the smartest songs I’d ever heard. And he wasn’t just going on about the negative. He was so positive. He had answers, solutions. I remember looking at Joe and feeling this huge sense of strength. And it was that strength which originally fueled this band.
When we were listening to Bucky the other day I remember looking over at Joe, wondering what was going on in his head. I remember his blank stare, that glazed look. This was a Joe I’d never seen before. It was as if he was lobotomized. There was nothing left. Nothing.
This reunion tour appealed to me because I felt the time off had done us some good—particularly between Joe and Bill. It seemed that we’d all mellowed a bit, that we’d all learned from our past mistakes, and that we could all get back to where we started. It makes me sick that I could have been so wrong. It’s the same old shit all over again. A triumph of selfishness, ignorance, and stupidity. This is the worst mistake I’ve ever made in my life. And it breaks my heart to have to mail this home.
A MESSAGE FOR BILLY TALLENT
BILLY HANGS UP THE TELEPHONE
Right on, Ed Festus! You’ve finally come through! The lead guitar gig in a grunge-metal super-band. Now I can get off this retro shit hayride.
Of course Joe will be pissed off. I’ll wait ’til the show’s over before I tell him. Man, I know he’ll go rank. But, shit, who gives a fuck? I’ve carried that guy for most of my life.
I mean, I’ve got to look after myself, right? And I know I don’t want to play this crap anymore. Joe will always be Hard Core Logo. It’s time to get out there and look after me.
BILLY TALLENT LIVE ON CJSR
INTERVIEWER: I’m sitting in the studio with Hard Core Logo’s lead guitarist, Billy Tallent. Hard Core Logo are just completing the last leg of their all-acoustic reunion tour and will be appearing tonight at the O-Zone . . .
BILLY TALLENT: That’s right, come early ’cause we’re opening.
I: Billy, welcome to E-Town.
BT: The Canadian capital of rock ’n’ roll worship. Glad to be here.
I: Well I suppose you guys have been getting this question a lot, but why did you decide to reunite?
BT: It was Joe’s idea, really. We were asked to play a benefit in Vancouver and Joe felt the ol’ magic was still there.
I: Whose idea was it to go acoustic?
BT: Joe’s.
I: Billy, you were known as one of the loudest players in punk at one time. Three Marshall Hi-Watts on stage or something like that, right? How did you feel about going acoustic?
BT: Not so good.
I: Well, what convinced you?
BT: Nothing convinced me. I guess I felt I owed Joe one last tour on account of the fact that I broke his nose at a show in Toronto.
I: Billy, what do you mean by that?
BT: Well, this is probably the last time I’ll play with the band.
I: How do the others feel about this?
BT: I don’t know. I haven’t told them yet.
I: Whoa! You heard it here first, listeners. Another CJSR rock talk exclusive.
BT: What’s the big deal. I mean, we’ve made a career out of breaking up.
I: Yah, but we’ve never heard it from you before, Billy.
BT: True.
I: So what’s gonna happen this time?
BT: Well, as for myself, I think I’m gonna get back into something with a heavier sound. I like speed metal and grunge a lot. I might do that.
I: I read an interview with your old manager, Ed Festus, in some L.A.-based skate mag last month, and he was saying that he was involved in a lot of that Seattle-sound stuff lately. In fact, it was the same interview where he mentioned you in his top five best thrash guitarists. I think you came in fourth.
BT: Cool.
I: What are your current influences right now? Any bands you like in particular?
BT: No bands, just sounds. I like the guitar sounds coming out of the Pacific Northwest; but I like the mass appreciation of those sounds even better. This could be the season for guitar feedback and distortion. I’d like to make it big with that.
I: Make it big?
BT: Yah, I wanna make it big. I wanna be famous. Don’t you?
I: Yah, well . . . you’re a punk rocker. You play in Hard Core Logo. You’re not supposed to want that.
BT: After tonight I can want anything I want.
MAJOR LABEL REP
Hey, how’re you guys doing?
Remember me?
I used to be in retail, but now I’m a rep
for _________ Records.
Yah, so I wasn’t busy tonight
and I thought I’d come out
and cheer you on.
I’m still hoping to get into A&R;
and when I do you guys will be
the first band I sign to the label.
You’re not really my thing,
but I think you’re way cool.
Here, take my card.
Have a great show.
Ooops! I mean break a leg.
BILLY’S ANNOUNCEMENT JUST BEFORE SHOWTIME
After this gig
I’m catching a flight:
the 8:32 for Seattle.
I just made a deal
with Ed Festus Inc.
to form a new band for Sony.
I’m meeting the singer
on Monday.
EDMONTON BLOCK HEATER
Plug me in to your block heater
My mind’s gonna take itself for a walk
It’s goin’ upstairs gonna take a breather
And it won’t be home ’til after dark
Cold wind blowin’ off the icy river
Up a-hundred-and-first to my back door
You’ll keep me warm ’til six in the evening
And I’ll see you tomorrow with my foot on the floor
At a quarter to eight not a second more
And I’ll check on you at half past four
She’s been so good for me
She’s always there throughout the day
Twelve volts a day
Take me
out of this frozen season
Send me down south for a holiday
I’ll spend some time in Costa Rica
’Cause I just can’t wait to get away
And if I miss your block heater
Then I’ll send for you by Fed Ex mail
And I’ll plug you in ’til I think of leaving
Just the two of us sitting in the shade
Of a big palm tree on a sunny day
Ahh! It’s eighty-below are you okay?
JOE, THIRD SONG IN
This is a very special night tonight.
Not only is this the last night
of our hugely successful reunion tour,
but it’s also the last night
of Billy Tallent’s life.
SOMETHING’S GONNA DIE TONIGHT
I’ve got a bullet in my pocket like a Barney Fife
And I’m saving it up for the right occasion
Like tonight feels pretty good alright
So all’s I’ve gotta do is get me a gun
And stare down the barrel and set my sights
Then squeeze the trigger ’til I feel that thud
’cause something’s gonna die tonight
Well there ain’t no use in trying to talk
It’s been this way since the Rock of Ages
Rolled downhill and came to a stop
And bogged us down with its extra baggage
That comes with the church and the man on top
And the daily grind for a better wage
That holds us up until we drop
Yah something’s gonna die tonight
There’ll be no peace, there’ll be no fight
There ain’t no point in wrong or right
When something’s gonna die tonight
Ah, but what do you do when you get let down
By a person or a place or some thing you’ve trusted
Well you put up a fight ’til what’s lost is found
And if you get beat up and your heart’s all crushed in
You reach for your bullet and you wait around
For whatever it is that’s got you busted
To get in sight, to hit the ground
THE 3:10 A.M. STORY
Look, guys,
before I say anything
I’ve got to say I’m sorry.
The owner’s wife
came in at last call
and robbed the till.
Man, if I could give you all
one piece of advice
it would be
never do business
with a couple divorcing.
TEN
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Joe . . .
THE WAY PIPE FEELS
Paid in quarters.
This is ridiculous.
Hard Core Logo’s
very last gig,
the promoter pays us
in quarters.
Makes me feel
like a busking band.
JOHN GOADS JOE
So Billy caught his plane
to Seattle, eh?
Just unplugged his guitar,
walked off stage,
into a cab,
gone.
Didn’t even wait to get paid.
Must be nice
missing the drive
when the guy at the wheel’s
got a knife on the dash.
Eh, Joe?
WHAT’S BREAKING UP AS COLLEGE RADIO
NEARS THE CITY LIMITS
And for those of you who missed the acoustic Hard Core Logo reunion at the O-Zone last night, let me tell you all that you not only missed an excellent show but an excellent example of four people who have nothing better to do than whittle away at our student loans when we could be spending them on text books and laundry detergent. We all laughed when those legends of the sixties came back from the dead. Now we can laugh at ourselves as we cling to the nostalgia of . . .
Edson
Hinton
Jasper
Valemount
JOHN TO JOE
You know the problem
with you Joe
is that you’re all wrong
from the start.
If the point of this tour
was to make ourselves
and everyone we dealt with
as miserable as possible,
then this tour would have
been a complete success.
The only thing different
from this tour and the others
is that the rest of us
have outgrown
the usual bullshit.
We’re just going through
the motions, going
from moment to moment.
There’s no vision left
to carry us
between the highs and lows.
At least Billy knows
what he wants.
I can’t blame him
for leaving.
It’s me ’n’ Pipe
who look stupid,
trusting you to be, like,
the custodian of
whatever goals we set
when this band began.
PIPE TO JOHN
What about you, John?
You smug little fuck.
Where do you get off
harping about this band
falling apart?
Look at you.
You think ’cause you’ve got
one foot in and one foot out
that that’s okay.
You’re a fake, man.
I look at you on stage,
having a good time,
having one of your “moments.”
Then I see you writing
in your little book,
analysing the down side
or whatever the fuck
it is that we’re doing.
When I agreed to do this
I knew what I was
getting into.
I knew I’d get pissed off
at a lot of things,
but I also knew
what kind of money
we could make.
And I need the money.
This band means more
to the crowds it plays to
than it ever will to me.
And the fact that I get paid
to make people happy
is totally cool.
Who gives a fuck
about a vision?
Who gives a fuck
about Billy?
I’m just doing
what I’m doing
and getting paid for it.
Avola
Clearwater
Kamloops
Merritt
JOE TO HIMSELF TO BILLY
This is it, isn’t it, Billy?
It’s really over now, isn’t it,
Billy?
Hope
Chilliwack
Surrey
Burnaby
May 25
Dear Joe Dick,
On behalf on the Green World Coalition, I’d like to thank you and your band for participating in our benefit show. Although we didn’t make as much money as we anticipated, we at least raised the profile of our organization in the community.
I’m sorry about the misunderstanding that occurred between Pipefitter and Rainbow Trout, our M.C. You’ll be happy to know that his front teeth have managed to re-root themselves and are no longer wobbly. If Pipefitter would be willing to send him a written apology, I’m sure he would consider dropping any legal action.
Please let me know when you guys are playing again. My twelve-year-old daughter just picked up a second-hand copy of Son-Of-A-Bitch to the Core and has expressed an interest in seeing the band live. Hope your tour went well.
Sincerely,
Laura Cromartie
June
July
August
September
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
JOE . . .
My name is Joe Mulgrew.
I used to go by the name
of Joe Dick, singer
for Hard Core Logo.
I’m looking for three hot players
—bass, drums, lead guitar—
to form a kick-ass rock band
committed to recording and touring.
If you are under thirty,
seasoned and hungry,
then I want to hear
your very best stuff.
Send me a tape
of your hottest licks
and I’ll tell you
if you’ve got the goods.
MICHAEL TURNER’s first book, Company Town, was nominated for the 1992 Dorothy Livesay Poetry Prize. His second book, Hard Core Logo, was made into an acclaimed feature film for which he received a Genie Award for his contribution to the movie’s soundtrack. His screenplay-cum-novel, American Whiskey Bar, was produced as a live television special on CityTV in 1998. In 2000 he received the Ethel Wilson Fiction Prize for The Pornographer’s Poem. His latest work of fiction, 8 x 10, was published in the fall of 2009 by Doubleday Canada. Turner lives in Vancouver.
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