Mia giggles. “Jayne, you just have to snowboard more, and then one day you won’t be so sore.”
“I’m pretty sure falling on my butt will always make me sore.”
Mia laughs harder. “I want pancakes. What do you want?”
“Hmm. Let me think…fruit, probably. And some eggs.”
“That’s too healthy!”
“Oh, is that a crime?”
Mia squeals in that way that lets me know she’s being tickled. I stay standing at the window, looking down at the town. My pulse is roaring in my ears, and it feels like the walls are steadily closing in.
“Benjamin?” Jayne asks. “Should we order you something?”
I clear my throat and turn around. “I’m fine.”
“Nothing?”
Mia’s already grabbing the hotel phone. She randomly pushes a button, and Jayne takes it from her without even looking. God, she’s so good at this nanny thing. She’s so good at everything.
Jayne’s brows push together, and she frowns the slightest bit. Her hair is up in a messy bun, and she’s sexy without even trying to be.
What would happen if I just gave in now? If I threw all caution to the wind and said, “Fuck it, let’s do this”?
A pain pierces my temple, and I close my eyes as I press my fingertips to it.
“Benjamin?” Jayne asks, sounding worried.
I force my eyes open. “You know, I think I’m going to go for a walk.”
Mia clambers onto the couch, where she sits on her knees. “I wanna go!”
“No, honey,” I answer quickly. “You stay here with Jayne.”
Simultaneous hurt crosses both of their faces. I could kick myself for being such an ass.
“You need to have breakfast,” I quickly say, trying to make it seem like that’s the reason I don’t want them to come with. “You both need to eat. I’ll be back later, and then we can all go snowboarding together.”
“Okay.”
Mia is moving on already, pulling out a book from under the coffee table and looking at it with interest. Jayne is still staring at me. You okay? she silently mouths.
I smile and nod. “I’ll be back in a while. I just need to, ah, get some fresh air.”
There’s still concern etched into her features, but I can’t let myself worry about that. Not now.
“Order breakfast, and I’ll see you both soon,” I tell them, pulling on my coat and pocketing my phone and wallet.
I don’t give Jayne a chance to say anything else. I’m out of the door and in the elevator in a heartbeat.
There are two options once I’m outside: the trails through the woods next to the resort, or the flat sidewalks in town.
I go for the latter, not that my surroundings matter much. I’m completely in my head, needing to figure this whole situation out before I return to the lodge.
Hands shoved into my pockets, I walk around downtown. Everywhere I look, there seem to be happy families. No one is here alone. They all have wives and kids.
I study the strangers when they’re not looking, trying to gauge how happy they are. They’ve settled down. Is it worth it? Do they ever expect or hope for more?
When I got with Mia’s mom, I didn’t have the kind of foresight I do now. I wasn’t thinking ten, twenty, or thirty years ahead. The concept of tying myself down to someone, even though that’s kind of what I was doing, didn’t exist in my head.
But now, I’m excruciatingly aware of it.
If I decide to do this with Jayne—if I go for it and make her mine for real—what will that mean? For all of us?
Getting a cup of to-go coffee from a bakery, I sit down on a bench that’s been cleared of snow and stare at the cup. It’s hard to say how long I’ve been walking around for, but my fingers are starting to get cold.
My phone vibrates in my coat pocket, and I quickly pull it out.
Matt.
I haven’t heard from him in days. I’ve been so caught up with Jayne that it’s like nothing else exists. I go to work and then I go to her. The idea of catching up with friends hasn’t even crossed my mind.
“Hi,” I answer.
“Ho, ho, ho,” Matt booms out. “Merry Christmas.”
Despite my bad mood, that gets a guffaw. “It’s only the twenty-third.”
“Damn, Scrooge.”
“Sorry.”
I lean back against the bench and look across the street, where a family of four are leaving a pet store with a puppy and a giant bag of dog food in tow. It’s the most heart-wrenching sight yet.
“How are you?” I ask, starting over.
“Good. Drunk.”
“Already?” I laugh.
“Let me correct that. Tipsy. Tomorrow, I will be drunk. So, how is Aspen? How’s Mia?”
“She’s great. She’s with Jayne at the lodge.”
“Ah. That’s right. How’s it going with…” He trails off there.
Glancing around myself, I switch my phone to the other ear. I’ve already told Matt that Jayne is actually straight, and single, but that’s all I told him. Until now. I need to get this shit off my chest.
“I slept with her.”
“Am I supposed to be surprised?”
“More than once. A lot, actually.”
“Again, I’m not in shock.”
I sigh and purse my lips. “There’s more, man. I think, um. Well, it’s different this time. Jayne, she…she’s great with Mia, and she’s great with me.”
“She nannies you as well?”
“No, Matt. She, uh…we…”
“Oh, shit,” he breathes. “You’re falling for her, aren’t you.”
“Yeah,” I croak out. I can’t decide if hearing it stated out loud terrifies or exhilarates me.
Matt whistles. “This is quite the turn of events.”
My cheeks puff as I exhale. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Okay, I’m confused. Why is falling for a girl a problem? Especially a hot one who’s good with Mia?”
“Because I didn’t expect it,” I stress. “Not this soon. It’s….it’s…”
“Blindsided you?”
“Yeah.”
“How does that make it any less good?”
I think about that while I take a sip of my coffee, which is already lukewarm. My stomach heaves against the intrusion, and I set the cup down on the bench next to me. Apparently, I’m too worked up to ingest anything right now.
“What if things don’t work out?” I ask. “What if Mia gets really attached to Jayne, and then we break up?”
“What if she stays on as just your nanny, and then she quits at some point? Won’t Mia be upset then?”
I chew that over. “I was kind of hoping to avoid that again.”
Matt guffaws. “That’s life, my man. Things change.”
“I know, I know.” I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. “I’ve messed things up with so many other women. I don’t want to send another one running away from Mia.”
“Is this just about Mia?” Matt quietly asks. “Or is it about you, too?”
The question shocks me. “Huh?”
“When were you last in love?”
“Um…” My face burns as I think about it.
Maybe never.
There’s some raucous laughing on Matt’s end, and he says something to someone in the background.
“Hey, Ben, I gotta run. We’re decorating the tree, and Nana Bev has had too much eggnog. She’s knocked the angel over, and there’s glass everywhere.”
“Sounds about right, from what I’ve heard about her.”
“Right?” Matt snickers. “Look, though, we can talk about this later, all right?”
“Yeah, man. I’m good, though.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Clearly, he doesn’t believe me. “Merry Christmas, bro.”
“You, too.”
We hang up, and my gaze drifts back across the street. Was Matt about to suggest that I’m afraid of being in love?
It’s
a big theory, and one that I’m having trouble getting my head around. But…maybe it’s true. After Hayden, I did promise myself that I wouldn’t let Mia—and myself—get hurt again.
And yet, that’s just what’s been happening. I’ve been parading nannies in front of Mia, letting her get attached just in time for the women to flee.
I haven’t been true to my word at all.
The more I think about it, the more my stomach aches. Jayne is an amazing woman. Clearly, we have a connection.
So what the fuck is wrong with me?
Chapter 22
Jayne
I gnaw on the edge of my thumbnail and check the time. Ten to eight. Benjamin went down to the bar an hour ago with no promise on when he’d return.
It looks like the romantic part of the trip is over and I’ve been relegated to the role of nothing-but-nanny once more.
What happened? Why is he suddenly withdrawing?
The only answer I can come up with is that things got too intense for him last night. We connected in a new way, and that made him pull back. I’m not a dummy. I’ve seen guys do this before—not that that makes Benjamin’s actions any less infuriating.
“When’s Daddy coming back?” Mia asks from across the living room. She’s on her stomach on the floor, drawing on a pad of paper.
“In a little while,” I answer. “We might go to bed before he gets back.”
“You and me?” She turns and looks at me over her shoulder. “Will you sleep in my room? Like a sleepover?”
I smile at her. “We’ll see.”
At this point, I’m not getting the vibe that Benjamin wants to share a bedroom again. After he came back from his walk, which lasted almost all morning, the three of us went snowboarding for the afternoon. Though he was attentive when it came to Mia, I don’t think we made direct eye contact the whole day. Not that I wasn’t trying to.
The rock in my stomach grows heavier, and though I’m only sitting alone on the couch, I have to fight to hold back tears. I knew that hooking up with my boss was playing with fire, but I did it anyway. I just couldn’t stay away.
If my instincts are true, Benjamin is freaking out and trying to push me away. I never got the specifics on what happened between him and those other nannies, but my guess now is that they came to want more and when he didn’t want to provide that, they left.
And now, it’s my turn.
I blink harshly, not wanting to go down that path. No matter what happens, I won’t feel sorry for myself. I got myself into this position. It doesn’t matter how much I care for Benjamin; if he’s unavailable, I’m only going to hurt myself more by chasing after him.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. I need to act with that in mind.
Rubbing my aching eyes, I stand up. “It’s time to get ready for bed, Mia. You’ll see your dad in the morning.”
“Hold on. I need to finish this.”
“What are you drawing?”
“Nothing,” she says quickly, flipping her paper over so I can’t see it.
A weird feeling slithers its way through me. “Why don’t you want me to see it?” I slowly ask.
She shrugs, not looking at me. “I just don’t.”
With that, she hurries into her room with the drawing. I stay where I am, my mind racing.
What’s going on with her? Is everything okay? She’s never been secretive like this before.
My mind goes back to the day I caught that guy watching her school. After informing the staff about the occurrence, I never followed up. Presumably, he hasn’t shown up again.
Or maybe he has, and no one has noticed him.
A shiver runs up my back. I don’t know why, but I can’t help wondering if the two incidents are related.
“Hey, Mia.” I go into the bathroom, where she’s brushing her teeth. “Have you had any strangers come talk to you recently?”
She takes the brush out of her mouth, looking confused. “The man who carries the bags here.”
“Right.” I press my lips together, realizing I’ve approached this the wrong way. “But you know that you should never go anywhere without telling the adult who’s watching you first, right? Even if someone tells you that you need to come with them. You have to check with the adult you’re with first.”
“Yeah,” she answers. “My dad taught me that—and they tell us in school all the time.”
I exhale in relief.
“Cool. I just wanted to check. Let’s get you into bed and find a story to read together, okay?”
After Mia falls asleep, I end up going to the couch. Benjamin still isn’t back, and as much as I want to text him, I hold back. His turning away has hurt my pride, and it makes me not want to reach out to him, either.
Torn between running to him and turning my back on him, I stay on the couch.
At some point, I jerk awake. It’s early morning, judging by the gray tone bathing the room. I fell asleep on the couch without even realizing it.
The doors to both the bedrooms are closed, which means Benjamin came in last night…and he didn’t think to wake me.
A crippling wave of pain strikes my chest. His literally closing the door and shutting me out of the bedroom hurts worse than anything else he’s done yet.
Dragging myself to the bathroom, I run the water in the sink as cold as I can take it and splash it on my face. I don’t want to wake up Mia by taking a shower, so this will have to do for now.
When I open the bathroom door to the living room, Benjamin is there, sitting on the couch I vacated. I hover in the doorway, uncertainty flooding my heart. He looks over at me, bags under his eyes.
“Hey,” I rasp, taking a few careful steps toward him.
“Hi.”
“When did you come in last night?” I sit on the couch, but keep a full cushion between us.
“Uh…late.” He runs a hand over his hair. “You looked like you were sleeping soundly out here, so I didn’t wake you.”
I nod, my tongue thick. It feels like we’re talking after years apart, like we no longer know how to relate to each other.
“What did you and Mia get up to?” Benjamin gives me a casual look, but his posture is tense.
“She just did some coloring and then went to bed—oh, hey. Um, do you remember that man I told you about? The one I saw watching the school?”
“Yeah. What about him?”
I lick my dry lips. “I just thought of him yesterday, because, well, I have this weird feeling. Last night, I asked Mia if I could see the picture she was drawing, and she said no and hid it from me.”
Benjamin shakes his head in confusion. “What does that have to do with the man?”
“It’s an…odd behavior, that’s all.” I’m doing my best to select my words carefully, but I can tell he already doesn’t like what I’m saying.
“I don’t follow.”
“If something is wrong—if someone has approached her or asked her to keep something a secret—she might listen; that’s what I’m saying. A child her age hiding things isn’t a good sign.”
Benjamin snorts, and the sound cuts into my heart.
“You think someone has done what, exactly?”
“I’m not sure,” I say, a defensive edge to my voice. “But it’s better to be safe than sorry.”
His forehead wrinkles. “I don’t understand why you’re bringing this up.”
I sigh in frustration. “Just forget about it.”
Benjamin’s nostrils flare. “Are you questioning my parenting skills? Because I’ve talked to Mia about avoiding strangers. I’m not as distant as you seem to think.”
That has me reeling back. “It’s not always strangers that cause children harm. It’s usually someone they know.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I close my eyes and exhale. “Nothing. I was just repeating a fact. Let’s forget about what I said. I’ll keep an eye on Mia, and if anything is weird, I’ll let you know.”
“I pay atten
tion to my child. I know what’s going on with her.”
His level of defensiveness is still blowing me away.
“Benjamin, I’m not trying to attack you.”
His lips purse. “Fine. So then don’t presume to know what’s best for me and my daughter.”
A slap to the face would have hurt a thousand times less. I sit frozen on the couch, blinking at him, feeling all of my last hopes for our relationship draining away.
“What’s going on?” I ask breathlessly.
“What do you mean?”
Benjamin rakes his fingers through his hair and leans forward, avoiding my eyes.
“I don’t know if our relationship is the…best thing…for Mia.” He forces the last few words out like they’re laced with thorns.
My heart constricts. “Why not?”
Benjamin laces his fingers together, his knuckles growing white. “Because we’re moving fast, and she might get confused. She’s never had anyone in her life other than her mother.”
“Ah.”
My face burns. I get what he’s saying, but I also think there’s more to this. He’s not running and hiding because he’s only afraid for Mia. He’s afraid for himself.
“Is this what happened with the other nannies?”
Benjamin’s eyebrows shoot up. “What?”
I just give him an even look, waiting. I don’t need to repeat myself.
Benjamin’s mouth tightens. “It was different with them.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means…” He clears his throat and shifts his weight around. I’m as still as he is fidgety, frozen to my seat with pain.
“I care for you, Jayne,” he says to the carpet.
I swallow against the burning in my throat. “I’m not going to beg you to do anything. That’s not me.”
Benjamin’s gaze finally lifts to my face. “I know. You’re strong. That’s one of the things I love about you.”
It hurts like hell to hear him say that, but I keep my face passive. What he doesn’t know is that most of the time, I’m only acting strong. What’s going on inside of me is a different story entirely.
Mia’s bedroom door opens, and we break eye contact.
“Hi,” Mia murmurs sleepily, walking out and rubbing her eyes.
Nanny For Hire - A Steamy Single-Dad Billionaire Romance (San Bravado Billionaires' Club Book 2) Page 12
