They all huddled around me and held me while I sobbed until I was able to speak again. Not a one of them had dry eyes, either.
My voice was broken and my nose was running, but I had to get it all out. “I was in the hospital for a week. No one visited. I had complications, and then I was so depressed that the doctors were worried that I might hurt myself, so I had to stay for a psych evaluation. The whole time, I was alone. My family stayed away and so did everyone else.
“When I went home, nothing changed. I was still branded with a scarlet letter. My parents barely spoke to me. Friends’ parents didn’t want their daughters hanging out with a ‘bad girl’ like me. As soon as I turned eighteen, I fled. I ran away never looked back. I looked into trying to get my daughter back, but I couldn’t. Everything was legally binding and at that point, her adoptive parents were all she’d ever known. She was theirs.”
“How’d you end up here?”
I shrugged. “I was so empty. I was just travelling without a plan. Wandering. Looking for somewhere, something, I didn’t know what. Then, I stumbled across Helen’s Corner. Isn’t that the magic of Helen’s Corner? We all just somehow end up here, to a place that envelops us and works its magic on us?”
Carter gently wiped the tears from my face. “Why the hell did you keep all of that inside this whole time? Why did you never talk to us about it?”
“I was afraid. I’m already so different than y’all. I didn’t want any more judgement from anyone.”
“Judgement? For what? You didn’t do anything, Sonnie.” Muddy all but shoved Carter out of her way to get closer to me. “Your family was fucking awful to do that to you. You were a victim.”
I shook my head. “I did it to myself.”
Charlie made me look at her. “You were a victim. You were seduced by an older man, tricked. Then, the people who should have supported and comforted you in your pain turned their backs on you instead.”
Denny put her hand under my chin and turned my face toward her. “And while a lot of people would’ve been so down that they stayed that way, you fought for more. You own your own business and you own your own house. You have your shit together, Sonnie. You should be proud of yourself.”
I frowned. “But I’m still not good enough for Holt.”
19
Sonnie
Charlie stood up and paced in front of me. “You’re way too good for that moron.”
“I’m not. You said it yourself, so many times. He needs a woman who’s strong, and tall, with long legs and…and… model-like and a shifter. Definitely a shifter. Like Dana.” I lifted my shoulders and slowly let them drop.
“I didn’t mean it like that, Sonnie. I never mean that you weren’t good enough.”
“Then what did you mean?”
She opened her mouth and then closed it. When she did speak, she looked sheepish. “I never said model-like. And, I never thought you weren’t good enough. I just thought that someone who was more similar to Holt would be more compatible. Oh, what the hell do I know about matchmaking, anyway? You see a ring on my finger?”
“Ugh. It still comes back to the fact that I’m not the right woman for him. And I slept with him anyway. I knew that I wasn’t his mate and I still did it. I’m intimately familiar with the consequences of unprotected sex. What the hell happened that it slipped my mind completely? I knew better. I knew better!”
Muddy shot Charlie a glare and held my hand. “Charlie is saying things all wrong. You’re being too hard on yourself. You ended up in a challenging situation, but we’ll help you. We’re here for you. We’ll take care of you, Sonnie. There are no judgements here.”
“I’m not doing it again. I’m not giving up this baby. Right there is where history won’t repeat itself. Everything else, the accidental pregnancy, being dumped, being alone, it’s all repeating, but no one can force my baby from my arms this time.”
“No one better dare try. And you are not alone. We’re family. It doesn’t matter that you’re not a shifter. You’re still our sister.”
I cried even more and buried my face in my hands. “I think I love him…”
“What?” Charlie squatted in front of me and made me look at her. “Who? My brother? You think you love Holt?”
I nodded. Then shook my head. Then nodded. “I don’t know. It’s been like two minutes since I met him, but…there are these intense feelings so far beyond physical attraction. It doesn’t make sense. I know he’s leaving. I know he’s going to find a mate and live happily ever after. I just can’t help it. Maybe, it’s not love. Maybe, it’s heartburn.”
“Son of a bitch.” Charlie was pacing again.
Muddy glared. “You’re being insensitive.”
“I’m just thinking about how I’m going to bribe Daniel into sipping off Holt’s nut sack with my hedge clippers.”
Finally, I laughed. “A part of me wants to tell you to do it.”
“Oh, Sonnie, I’m doing it, either way.”
I laughed again, a laugh that turned into more tears. “I’m so mad at myself. And ashamed. I don’t deserve Holt anyway. I’m awful.”
“Sonnie, we’ve all done and been through things we’re not proud of. You’re holding onto your past like it makes you who you are, though. What happened to you, what you went through, it doesn’t define you. Unless you let it. You had bad things happen to you. They don’t make you a bad person.”
“You don’t get it. I stopped fighting.” I angrily swiped at my tears and stood up. “I thought that if I gave her up, my parents would love me again. I thought I’d get my life back. I traded her. I traded her for the hope of friends, school dances, and nights out at the movies.”
Charlie grabbed my shoulders and lightly shook me. “You wouldn’t have won that battle. Your parents weren’t going to let you keep her. You did what you had to do. It was the only thing you could do. You didn’t make a trade. You made a sacrifice.”
“I’m empty without her. I’ve had a hole in my heart since the day she was taken from me.” I said the words and doubled over when I realized how true they were. “I’m hollow because a part of me is missing.”
“You have us, Sonnie.”
I met Muddy’s eyes and held my arms out. “I’m different than y’all. You run together, play together. I’m never going to be like you. I’m always going to be the one who walks home after St. Anon meetings on two legs.”
“So, what? Jesus, Sonnie. We love you. You’re our family. Shifter, or not, we think the world of you. You are a part of us.” Carter looked like she wanted to say more, but Denny cut her off.
“I didn’t feel like I fit in, either. When I first got here, I was so closed off. I was scared to let people get close and I felt like such an outsider for everything I’d been through. I was wrong, though.” She touched my arm. “Just like you.”
Charlie spoke next. “I’m so sorry if what I said about Holt needing a shifter added to you feeling like this. I didn’t mean anything against you when I said it, Sonnie. I didn’t consider you when I was setting up Holt because you’re so romantic and sensitive and…feminine. Holt is a jackass half the time. He always was more about shooting at something or blowing shit up than being sensitive and caring.”
I blinked away more tears. “I’m jealous. I want to be able to experience everything with y’all. I want to have a mate and know someone loves me for real. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, that kind of love. Here I am again, though, falling for a man who doesn’t care for me.”
“Come inside with us. We’ll make you some hot chocolate and we can talk more.”
“Did you just invite me into my own house?”
Muddy shrugged. “Maybe. Come on. We’re not done convincing you that you’re not alone.”
My heart ached and I grazed my hand over my stomach. “What am I going to do?”
“What are we going to do—no more I, from now on it’s we.” Charlie pushed me towards my front door. “We are going to drink hot chocolate and raid yo
ur fridge for a snack. The rest, we’ll figure out as we go.”
20
Holt
My head hung in my hands. Sitting at Charlie’s kitchen table, my phone in front of me, I was wracking my brain trying to form a text to Sonnie. Something that would convince her to talk to me. I’d been back by her house, but she was still ignoring me. I wanted to talk, but I preferred to do it in person. I needed to tell her that we were mates and that I was staying in town.
Charlie wasn’t speaking to me, either. Even Mama was giving me dirty looks. Everyone was mad at me. Hell, I was mad at me. They didn’t even know the full story. When they heard all of it, they’d probably disown me. I’d hurt my mate, gotten her pregnant, and let her think I didn’t care for her. Shameful. No honor in that.
I was dying to make it better. If she would only let me talk to her, I’d figure out the rest…somehow.
I erased another message before sending it. Nothing sounded right. Everything I typed out was stupid. It either sounded like annoying begging or like a demand. I couldn’t find a happy medium.
“Typing out your apology?” Charlie strolled past me, into the kitchen. “Don’t bother. It will be lame and not nearly good enough for her.”
I growled. “It’d be nice if you could lend a hand, instead of busting my balls about this.”
Mama Jean smacked me on the arm and tsk-ed me. “Be nice to your sister. You hurt her best friend and she’s struggling with it.”
I sighed. “I’m trying to make it better.”
Mama looked back at Charlie, then leaned in closer. “The poor girl’s had a rough time.”
“What do you mean?”
“Charlie and her friends had to comfort Sonnie last night. She was really upset and told them some stuff.”
Charlie looked over at us and raised her eyebrow. “What are you whispering about, Mama?”
“Nothing, honey. Go on upstairs. I’ll be there in a little bit.”
Charlie eyed us with suspicion but left.
“I’m only telling you this because I know you’re a good man with a good heart. I think you really do care about Sonnie, too. I don’t know why you’re not beating that girl’s door down trying to beg for her forgiveness, but your daddy was stupid back in the day, too.”
“Talk faster.”
She frowned at me but did as I asked. “That child got pregnant at sixteen by an older man who ran off and left her. Her family forced her to give up her baby and she’s been deeply scarred by it ever since. Now she’s dealing with this… see the parallels? She’s down on herself because she thinks she’s at fault and that you don’t care about her or the baby. I think she’s mentally reliving one of the worst times—one of the biggest betrayals of her life.”
I stood up. “I’m going over there.”
“Mm-hmm, I thought so. Make it right, Holton.”
I found myself running to my truck to race to Sonnie’s for the second time that day. I was fighting the raging feelings inside myself. She’d been pregnant and carried someone else’s child. He’d hurt her. I wanted to find that mother fucker and rip his cold heart out while it was still beating.
I parked and ran up to Sonnie’s door, pounding on it and yelling her name at the same time. I knew she was inside. I could smell her.
After a couple of minutes, it was obvious that she wasn’t coming to the door. I knocked louder and then stopped altogether. “Can you hear me, Sonnie?”
Her increased heartrate told me she could.
“I’m not leaving. If you won’t come out and talk to me, I’m just going to tell you what I have to tell you from out here, I guess.” I hesitated and when she didn’t respond, I started talking again. “I was wrong to tell Charlie I was leaving. It’s not true. I’m not leaving. I’m staying in Helen’s Corner. Maybe, eventually, I’ll wear you down enough that you’ll give me another chance. I’m already in love with you, woman. Come open the door so I can prove it to you.”
Nothing.
“Sonnie, you’re my mate.”
I was relieved to hear her footsteps coming closer to the door, then the lock turn. Sonnie stood in front of me. Her hair was a mess, one side was smooshed against her cheek and the other side was sticking up at all angles. Tears streamed down her beautiful face. I reached for her and her arm raised. I thought she was going to run into my arms and hug me. Instead, her little fists flung out and began wailing on me. She punched the shit out of me.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare come here and lie to me about something like that. Did Charlie tell you what I said? Did you think that you could pretend to be my mate and that would make it all better?”
“I’m not fucking lying, Sonnie. You’re my mate. I know you’re human, but don’t you feel anything? Any pull between us? I feel it, like, twenty times stronger. We’re mates.”
Her eyes went wide and she stepped back. “No.”
I nodded and smiled. “Yes.”
She shook her head and covered her mouth. “We’re mates?”
I laughed. “Yes, We’re mates.”
“How could you?”
I froze. “Huh?”
“How could you smile at me? How could you act like everything is okay?” She slapped my hand away when I reached for her. “You weren’t going to tell me? You let me think that we were nothing. Nothing. And…and, you were going to leave. You were going to leave me here to mourn something that I didn’t even understand.”
I licked my lips, anxiety riddling me. “I was confused, Sonnie. I—I thought I was making the right decision for you. I was wrong. I see that now. I made a mistake.”
“No. A mistake is turning the wrong way down a one way street, or accidentally leaving Wal-Mart without paying for the pack of toilet paper under the cart. What you did was malicious. You were going to leave me without a mate.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“It is for me.”
“Sonnie, come on. Let’s go inside. We’ll talk. I’ll explain.”
She gripped her door and shook her head. “No. It was so easy for you to leave me alone. I always wanted a mate because I thought it would mean that I would have a man who would never do that to me. I thought he would never walk away from me when times were tough, but you don’t care about me at all. And I don’t need you.”
“Sonnie—”
“Don’t let me or anything else stop you from doing what you really want to do.” Her hand went to her still flat stomach. “Trust me when I say that we’ll be fine without you.”
She slammed the door shut and locked it. Despite her tough words, I could hear her crying immediately. They were deep, painful, wracking sobs that shook me to the core. I was a dick.
21
Sonnie
At least I’d moved past the crying stage. I was in the full blown anger stage. Royally. My head tingled I was so angry. Mate. Even thinking the word made me want to slap something. He’d known we were mates and he’d chosen to keep it secret. How could he? It certainly wasn’t what I’d thought having a mate would be like. I’d had this amazing fantasy and Holt blew it all to hell.
I slammed the door to the cupboard that hid my trashcan and turned to inspect the rest of my kitchen. I’d already cleaned it. Everything in it had been scrubbed spick and span. My whole house was spotless. Washed, put away, swept, mopped, even dusted. The place had never been cleaner. Earlier in the day I’d used my mighty maid skills to do the same to my shop.
When I told Carter that I’d made a doctor appointment in Smith to make sure that everything was going okay with the baby, she insisted I call back and cancel. Apparently, being pregnant with a shifter baby was a little different than having a human baby. She was able to find me the name of a doctor who was also a shifter.
I felt kind of sad and a little guilty that I’d be going to a doctor without Holt. He’d come with me if I asked. There was still so much hurt and anger inside me, though. I vaguely wondered if the anger was partly due to hormones. I’d been giving
him quite a hard time.
He brought me flowers. Two dozen red roses that he bought from a florist in Smith. I pointed out that I was a florist and that he paid someone else to give me what I could give myself. Then, I slammed the door in his face.
He also brought me a half dozen cupcakes. Lemon with raspberry filling and white chocolate buttercream frosting. I asked him if he wanted me to gain fifty pounds before the baby came. Then, I slammed the door in his face. I ate them, though.
Several times he just showed up at my door, or at the shop, but I just wasn’t ready to listen. He’d had plenty of chances to tell me that I was his mate before he found out I was pregnant.
Why the hell had I been so envious of mates? Stupid. I didn’t need a mate. Not if that’s how my mate operated. I’d rather be alone. Well, not alone. I had my best friends and my baby. That would have to be enough.
After having absolutely nothing else to clean, I found myself at a loss for something to do. I strolled down the street to Charlie’s. She was all alone in the store, sitting behind her counter looking as bored as can be.
“Hey, Charlie.”
“Oh, thank god. I was about to start pulling hairs out of my head one by one just for something to do.”
I leaned against the counter and nodded. “I’ve cleaned everything. My house, my shop. I’m going stir crazy, too.”
“It’s always so fucking slow right before Thanksgiving. If I didn’t have a house full of family members, I really would tear my hair out from the boredom.”
“How’s everything going with that?”
She glared, not at me, just out at the world. “Horrible. My family is bonkers. I have an aunt who is secretly planning to cook what I think is a turkey, in a crock pot, in her bedroom. I have cousins who keep wrestling each other way too near my antique, handmade wooden end tables. Daddy has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out until the holiday meal. Mama Jean is torn between overruling every decision I make in the kitchen, telling me how I need a good man in my life, and berating Holt. Holt has taken to moping on the front porch. He’s like a scarecrow, scaring the shit out of the mailman every time he comes to drop off a package.”
Wolf Soldier (She-Shifters of Hell's Corner Book 3) Page 8
