by Ali Parker
“It’s positive,” I whispered roughly. My own words rang in my ears.
I wasn’t sure how long I’d stood there, staring at the damn thing, but it had been long enough. I couldn’t believe it. There was no way in fucking hell, no way at all. How could this have happened? Sure, we’d been having sex, but we had always used protection. I hadn’t wanted this to go down, not like this. I hadn’t even really given babies much thought till that point, too focused on the marriage and on Jolene to think about anything much beyond them. But now here it was, staring me in the face, the fear sinking in around me as I tried to take it in.
What would Kristo think? Would he freak out? Would he be mad at me?
I slowly turned and walked out of the bathroom, tears blurring the edge of my vision. I brushed them away swiftly and nearly keeled over on the spot as the reality of this really sank in. It couldn’t be happening, could it? It couldn’t be like this. After everything that had happened between us, didn’t we deserve a break? A chance to just be the two of us for a change, to just enjoy the company we had been so scared to keep? We had only just exchanged “I love yous,” and here I was, about to walk out there and tell him I was having his baby.
I walked back to the table where he sat, and he sprang to his feet at once. I assumed he must have guessed from the look on my face exactly what the result had been. He strode over to me and pulled me into his arms. I buried my face in his shoulder and took long, deep breaths, my brain a wreck, impossible to think straight. This hurt. I ran my hands over my belly, trying to feel for the tiny creature that was growing in there, and I wondered what the hell we were going to do.
“Let’s go, baby. We can go somewhere and talk?” He was so sweet, so loving. He carefully wound his arm around my waist and pulled me in close. He planted a kiss on my cheek, and I leaned into him as we headed back to the car.
“I don’t think I can go back to work,” I murmured finally, finding my voice once again. He shook his head, as though that much should have been obvious.
“Agreed.” He nodded. “Come on, let’s get you home. You need something to eat and some rest, and then we need to talk.”
“I can’t believe this is happening.” I felt the tears rise up again, and I shook my head as my body began to shake. “I’m so sorry, Kristo. I know you wanted it to be just us—”
“Hey.” He reached over and tilted my head in his direction, looking me dead in the eyes. “I wanted to marry you, remember? And that means taking on everything that comes with it. Whatever you’re dealing with, I’m dealing with. You understand?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. Some of the weight of it lift from my shoulders. I reached out to touch his cheek and managed a smile. “I’m so glad you’re here, Kristo.”
He took my hand and squeezed, and I inhaled deeply and let out a long, shaky breath. I still had so much to think about, to deal with, to plan, to discuss, but for the time being, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into my bed and pretend the world didn’t exist. The world outside of Kristo, at least.
57
I helped her to bed, and she crashed face first into the pillow and passed out right away. I sat on the edge of the bed and stroked her hair, watching her, wondering what the hell we were going to do.
She wasn’t happy. I could tell that. She hadn’t said a word about getting rid of it, thank goodness, because I’d known as soon as I’d seen her walk back into that room, pale-faced and panicked, that I wanted to keep this kid. I would have let her make the final decision, no matter what, but I was glad I wouldn’t have to fight her on this one.
In the meantime, we had so much to talk about. I was still racking my brains as to how she had even gotten pregnant, but I guessed we had been hooking up a lot these last few weeks. Maybe I had forgotten to use a condom one of those times in the rush of it all, in the thrill of finally having her be mine. I hadn’t wanted this baby, but as soon as I’d seen her walk out of that room, I’d known it was the perfect thing to fill out our little family. Amaya, Jolene, this baby, and me. It would be perfect if I could just convince her to see it the same way I did.
I paced the apartment for a long time and tried to figure out how best to handle this. I got a couple of calls from work but ignored them. I had bigger things to think about. In fact, everything else seemed to pale in comparison to what was going through my mind at the moment. Eventually, my stomach began grumbling, and I dug through the takeout menus to find something I actually wanted. I picked out a small diner not far from the apartment and ordered us some grilled cheese and soup, something comforting that would help settle her stomach, or at least that’s what I hoped. A half-hour later, the food arrived, and I went to wake up my sleeping fiancée, the mother of my child. Fuck, that was a weird thought.
“Hey, Amaya?” I poked my head around the door and found her already sleepily sitting up in bed. She smiled at me nervously, pulling the covers up and around herself.
“I guess we need to talk, huh?” she remarked a little ruefully, and I nodded but held up the bags of food I had with me.
“I come bearing dinner.” I grinned and made my way over to her to lay out the food between us. She tucked into the tomato soup hungrily, and as soon as she began to eat, she started to look better. I sat next to her on the bed, and neither of us said anything as we tucked in, both of us enjoying those last few moments before we would have to face up to the matter at hand. But finally, she raised her gaze, put down the little plastic spoon that came with the order, and sighed.
“We can’t avoid talking about this forever,” she remarked.
“Seems like you want to give it a go,” I teased, and she smiled and shook her head.
“All of this just came as so much of a shock,” she replied, and her shoulders slumped even as she tried to keep the smile on her face. “I never in a million years … I mean, we were always so careful.”
“Yeah, but sometimes these things just don’t work the way they’re meant to,” I reminded her gently. “It’s not your fault or mine. It just happened, and now we have to deal with it.”
“Like how?” She looked up at me nervously. “How do you want to deal with it?”
“I want to keep it,” I assured her. “As long as you do.”
“I do.” She nodded, and both of us breathed a sigh of relief.
“Okay, so we’re going to have it.” I nodded, and suddenly, she let out a burst of laughter.
“What’s so funny?”
“I just can’t believe this is actually happening, that’s all.” She slapped her hand over her mouth to stop herself. “It’s just so crazy.”
“No, me neither,” I replied. “Not for a long time, anyway.”
“You thought about having kids with me before this?” She raised her eyebrows, speaking softly. “I didn’t know that.”
“Amaya, there isn’t anything I haven’t thought about doing with you,” I replied fiercely, and I took her hand and held it tight. “When I said I wanted to marry you, that I loved you, I meant it. Everything. I want everything that comes with a life together.”
“Oh my god,” she muttered, and she lowered her gaze. “I never thought …”
I knew what she was going to say, even though she trailed off in the middle of the sentence. She never thought I would be capable of love like this. When we’d met, I was a cynic, certain the world revolved around what was best for me from a practical standpoint. Then, she had come along and reminded me there was so much more to life than what worked for me, than my petty needs and wants.
“Me neither,” I finished up for her. “So much has changed. We’ve coped with everything else. Why not this too?”
“I don’t think it’s going to be that easy,” she remarked nervously, fiddling with a loose thread on the side of the bed. “I mean, it’s going to change everything. And your family—”
“My family has already dealt with the weirdest shit from the two of us these last few months,” I reminded her. “I really don’t think this i
s going to upset them. You know how long my nonna has been waiting for great-grandchildren? She’ll be here every day, helping out.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about,” Amaya joked, and then she shook her head again. “But with Jolene, I don’t know.”
“Amaya, not everything can be planned in advance,” I reminded her. “I know you like having control over everything, but you need to let go. If we’re going to have this kid, you can’t bother clinging onto order. Everything’s going to change, and you need to be all right with that.”
She looked at me and bit her lip. I could see the fear on her face, sure, but I could also see the excitement, too, buried underneath it. The thrill of starting a family with me.
“We’re really doing this, huh?” she remarked, and I nodded.
“We really are,” I replied firmly. “And I want you to be as excited about it as I am.”
“I am,” she promised me finally. “I know I … it’s just a shock, that’s all. I didn’t have any idea this was happening.”
She let her hand rest on her stomach, and she looked down at her belly intently as though she could sense the kid in there already.
“I think there’s more grilled cheese than baby in there right now,” I reminded her gently. She shook her head, laughing, and then took my hand and put it on her stomach.
“I don’t care,” she replied softly. “I just want you to feel it.”
I held my hand there for a long moment, and the two of us sat in silence. The most profound happiness I could ever remember in my entire life settled over me. It just felt right. All of this did. She was carrying my child. We were going to be married, and we were going to be a proper little family. I closed my eyes and leaned forward to plant a kiss on her belly, and she absentmindedly ran her fingers through my hair and wriggled beneath me.
“Mmm.” She sighed, and I glanced up at her. She was looking down at me with a flirty expression, and I knew what was going on in her head. I slithered up the bed till I was level with her, moving all our leftovers and eating utensils as I did so, and laid one hand on her belly and the other on the back of her neck as I guided her toward me. Our mouths met, and she sighed softly against my lips as though this was what she’d been waiting for all day. We kissed for a moment, her fingers stroking the nape of my neck, and then she pulled back.
“You still going to love me when I’m super pregnant and fat?” She grinned. I nodded.
“Especially then,” I promised her, and we kissed once more. And I knew whatever happened in these next few days, few months, few years, everything was going to be all right. As long as she was here with me, I could take on the entire world.
We made love that night, and she fell asleep in my arms. I cradled her, watching the rise and fall of her chest, and felt such a wave of protectiveness. I had always wanted to keep her safe, but this was more intense than before. I wanted to keep them safe now, my wife and my child.
I fell asleep shortly after she did, completely at ease and at peace until I woke a few hours later and found her gone from the bed. The sound of her throwing up in the room next to me made me wince. I didn’t like to hear her in any state of discomfort, but there wasn’t much I could do about the morning sickness apart from coaxing her through it and help where I could. I got up and headed to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and a cool towel, and I hovered outside the door, waiting for her to finish up.
She emerged a few minutes later, and she ran her hands through her slightly sweaty hair and smiled when she saw me.
“Hey, sorry. Did I wake you up?” She made a face. “I didn’t mean to. It’s just hard. I guess now my body knows I’m pregnant, and it’s going full-tilt, you know?”
“No, it’s fine.” I handed her the water and the towel, and she took a grateful sip and dabbed herself down. She slipped back into bed and pulled the covers up over herself. She had work in a few hours, and I wanted to tell her to just stay in bed and call in sick again, but there was no way in hell she was going to let me get away with that. I slid into bed next to her and wrapped my arms around her.
“Is there anything else I can do?” I asked, and she shook her head and snuggled back into the sheets.
“No.” She yawned. “I’m all good.”
I smiled as I watched her drift back off to sleep, knowing that she really was good at last.
58
I took a deep breath as I sat at the desk and then followed it with a sip of my ginger ale. I picked up one of the crackers to nibble on, and some of the nausea began to recede. All right, well, that was a start. If I could get through a day at a time like this, I was going to be fine. The sickness wasn’t going to stop, but I could at least find ways to distract myself. Work was providing a decent excuse for that for now, but I didn’t know how long I would last here before I needed to take some time off to look after myself and the baby.
The first thing I had done was let my manager know I was pregnant so nobody could accuse me of hiding this to try to hold on to the position. There was quite a bit of work I could do from home, which was a relief, so I wouldn’t have to give up the job entirely, but I would have to step down and let someone else fill in the gaps for me while I was away. I already had my eye on someone to do just that.
“Hey.” Darla stuck her head around the door, the very woman I had just been thinking about.
“Hey,” I greeted her, nodding to the seat opposite me. “Join me, why don’t you?”
She took her seat and eyed me with some concern. We hadn’t seen each other since I’d left work in a state the day before, and I knew she had been worrying about me ever since.
“I just wanted to check that you were doing okay,” she told me. “After yesterday, you left so quickly, I didn’t have a chance to see you after that.”
“No, no, I’m fine,” I promised her. “Really. I just found out, uh …”
I trailed off. I wasn’t supposed to say anything about my pregnancy this early on, was I? It was probably bad luck or something, but as I watched Darla, waiting patiently for me to tell her what the hell was going on, I thought fuck it. I needed someone to share the excitement with, and I was waiting to tell Jolene until I saw her in person over the weekend. Darla was right here. She was going to hear it.
“I actually found out I’m pregnant,” I told her and as the words came out of my mouth, a smile spread out over her face. Her eyebrows shot up, and she clamped her hand over her mouth.
“Holy shit!” she exclaimed. “You’re pregnant? How far along are you?”
“Not far.” I shook my head. “So you have to keep it quiet for the time being. The office knows, but I don’t want to jinx it by sharing it with anyone else, you know?”
“Your secret is safe with me.” She held up her hand, signifying scout’s honor. I chuckled
“Well, thanks.” I nodded. “I’m so excited.”
“This is your first, right?” She grinned. “Fuck, that’s so cool.”
“I’m really nervous too,” I admitted. “I mean, we weren’t trying or anything. This little thing came right out of the clear blue sky for us.”
“It’s going to be fine.” She leaned over and patted my hand kindly. “I’ve known tons of people who’ve had kids, some planned, some not, and trust me, having the time to plan in advance doesn’t always make things easier.”
“You ever wanted kids yourself?” I asked, and she shook her head emphatically.
“Hell, no,” she replied firmly. “But I feel like pretty much all my friends have popped out babies in the last few years. I’m auntie to, like, a dozen different kids. If there’s anything you want to know, I’m happy to play the fountain of your knowledge.”
“I’ll make sure to bear that in mind.” I smiled at her and lay my hand on my belly absentmindedly. I found myself doing that a lot recently, enjoying the feel of the bump beneath my fingers, even if I was imagining it and it was down to one too many beers and bowls of ice cream instead of a life growing within me.<
br />
“I’m so excited for you,” Darla sighed, grinning at me. “This and the wedding? You must be rushed off your feet.”
“Yeah, I feel like I haven’t had a moment to catch my breath,” I agreed. I had only met Kristo a scant four months before, and sometimes, it felt wild to me that I was having his baby and planning on marrying him so soon. But I knew in my heart it was the right choice. My gut, for once, was telling me to do this, that this man was the one for me. I hoped to God it wasn’t going to steer me wrong.
“At least you can relax over this weekend, right?” Darla pointed out. “Get your head straight.”
“Actually, we’re having a dinner party this weekend, kind of.” I sighed and shook my head. “We’re having my sister around to talk about her moving in with us. Kristo’s sister is coming as well. They had a falling out recently. I think she’s trying to make it up to him.”
“Oh, his sister, huh?” She waggled her eyebrows pointedly. “Mind if I join you?”
“You know, you should.” I cocked my head at her. “I know you’re just kidding, but you actually should. It’d be fun, and I could use someone else on my side.”
She raised her eyebrows at me.
“Anything I should know about that sister of his?” she asked, and I shrugged.
“I’ll do some digging,” I replied, and I glanced at my watch. “Shit, I have to get back to work. I’ll text you about the details for this weekend, though, right?”
“Sure thing.” She flashed me a thumbs-up. “Thanks for inviting me. I’m looking forward to meeting everyone.”
And with that, she wandered out of the office once more, allowing me to take another sip of 7-Up and nibble on another cracker to hold off my nausea for a little longer. There would be no more wandering around the shelves for the near future. I needed to stay as still as possible as much of the time as I could. Shame I had organized a family dinner over the weekend.
It was mainly so we could show Jolene around the place properly and explain how we planned to adapt the apartment to make it easier for her to live in, but Kristo had invited Cleo as well, a peace offering, I assumed, after the falling out that had happened after the contract. He had asked her to be his best man, of course, and she had said yes, but that hadn’t been in person. They needed to clear the air before they moved forward or so he told me. I would have to figure out tonight which way my future sister-in-law swung before I introduced her to Darla. Or hell, maybe I shouldn’t say a thing and just watch it unfold. Could be fun.
