by Vicky Owen
‘Maybe.’ Yes. I want your lips on me instead of that cake.
‘I’m not sharing,’ she takes the chunk into her mouth and closes her eyes. It’s like a flashback to when we were kids. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone enjoy food as much as Cerys does. It was funny when we were preteens. Now it’s practically sexual as she delicately licks a few crumbs from her lips.
More water.
‘So what have you been up to?’ I ask when she’s swallowed her cake.
‘Oh nothing much, just college and uni. Obviously.’ She’s already carving off another chunk.
‘There’s got to be more than that.’
Are you seeing someone?
Are you available?
‘Not really.’ She pauses to think. ‘Nope. My life really is just exams and essays and lab reports.’
I frown. I could just ask her outright, but I can’t bring myself to do so. Fuck knows why. ‘You must have done other things since the last time we saw each other.’ I try to remember. ‘In fact, when was the last time we saw each other? I can’t even remember.’
She pauses, forkful of cake halfway to her mouth, looking at me pointedly. ‘Seriously? I can.’
I look back blankly, my mind leafing through past memories. It suddenly hits me and I can feel the first inklings of shame creeping up inside me as I look away from her.
First year of Sixth Form. Talking to Cerys after class. Fuck knows what class specifically. We’d bumped into each other in one of the school’s many corridors. We were barely speaking any more by that point. It was nice to talk to her again. To just be myself. Ana, who I’d been seeing for about four months by that point, saw us and came over. At first she was nice enough, if a little clingy with the way she put her arm around me, giggling.
I look down and rub my forehead as I remember what happened next.
I made a mistake. I made a joke that only Cerys understood. It wasn’t even an in-joke. Just a bit too niche for Ana to pick up on, and I’m not sure if I did it on purpose or not. Maybe I did. Maybe I was trying to make Ana envious, or just share something with Cerys alone, as I had so many times before. Either way, I fucked up. Cerys laughed. I laughed. Ana didn’t understand. Instead, her mood switched and she took it out on Cerys, telling her to stay the fuck away from us.
Even then, and even though I was with Ana, I knew I was in the wrong ‘us’.
My heart rate increases as I remember watching Cerys and the bewilderment that had crossed her pretty face. And I was so surprised at Ana’s sudden turn of mood—a jealousy that I’d never seen in her before—that I failed to respond. Bewilderment turned to hurt and then anger as I didn’t react as I should have, and Cerys left. Ana was happy and Cerys never spoke to me again after that.
Less than a year later, Ana was dead. Killed in a car accident the night I finally had enough of her outbursts. Pretty soon afterwards, the band took off and I made the most of that excuse to stay out of town and away from the suspicious gossip, focusing on music instead.
Still looking down, I run my hand through my hair. Cerys really does deserve better than me. I take a deep breath and look up, meeting her eyes. Glasses look even better on her now than they did when we were in college.
‘How’s the cake?’ It’s a feeble attempt to ignore the past but I really don’t want to go there.
Cerys narrows her eyes at me for a few seconds and I’m not sure she’s going to let me skirt what happened. Then she sighs before raising an eyebrow and looking away. My hand reaches over to steal some cake and she quickly turns back, batting my hand away. ‘That’s mine! Get your own.’ She shoves another forkful into her mouth.
‘You’re an aggressive chocoholic, you know. Maybe you need to cut back,’ I tease. She keeps chewing and keeps watching me, her expression unchanging. ‘How’s your family? Your parents? Your sister?’
Cerys swallows and looks down at her plate, some blonde strands falling down around her cheeks. ‘Yeah, they’re fine.’ She prods at the cake. ‘How come you didn’t buy a place back home? Why here?’
Always with the unexpected questions. ‘Closer to the studio here.’ I think for a second before smiling to myself and adding: ‘And the geeky kid from back home is here.’
That catches her off-guard. Her head jerks up and she looks at me, startled. ‘You knew I was here?’
I enjoy her confusion for a moment, and her gorgeous wide eyes, before admitting: ‘No, I’m just teasing. I’m not some creepy stalker.’
She glares at me.
‘You’re way moodier than I remember.’ And way hotter too.
Indignation flashes across her face. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ve just, you know, been spiked, and I have a fuckton of uni work to do already, some guy I haven’t seen for years has just reappeared’—I reach over and attempt to steal some of her cake again while she rants—‘and he’s trying to swipe my food!’ She laughs, pulling the plate out of my reach.
She shovels the remainder of the cake into her mouth, crumbs dropping everywhere. It’s too much, and she struggles to chew and swallow it. Obviously I laugh, and she gives me a defiant look until she manages to finish it all. ‘At least you can’t steal it now.’
‘True.’
She brushes the crumbs off herself, and I take the opportunity to grab her tea and stand up.
‘Hey—’
‘C’mon,’ I say, ‘let’s get out of here. Let’s go for a walk.’
CHAPTER 5
Cerys
JAKE WALKS OUT of the coffee shop, taking my tea with him. I hesitate for a moment. He looks so good in his jeans, a fitted t-shirt underneath his open shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows to reveal strong, thick forearms. And then there’s me, still sprinkled with chocolate cake crumbs as I start to give chase.
‘Hey, slow down!’
He doesn’t.
‘I’m a lot shorter than you, remember?’
He smirks and keeps his pace. I struggle to keep up as we walk closer to the centre of town, but after a few metres I at least manage to get my tea back off him.
‘Where are we even going?’ I ask, almost jogging to keep up.
Across the street, a tall brunette does a double take. She recognises him. I watch her scrabble for her phone and take a picture. Jake doesn’t even notice.
Half a minute later, Jake has slowed down just enough for me to keep pace without struggling, and we’re walking past Playboard, the only board game shop in town. A new expansion pack in the window catches my eye and I stop walking to look.
Jake notices and pauses. ‘Wanna go in?’
I don’t answer. I do want to go in, but I don’t want him to see me like this any more. I don’t want him to see the girl who plays board games and reads research papers for fun. What I really want is for him to see the woman in me. To want me.
But ‘me’ is someone who plays board games and reads research papers for fun.
He interrupts my conflicted thoughts: ‘Come on. Let’s go in.’ I try to object, but he’s already pushing the door open and walking in.
Damn it.
I drain my drink—lukewarm and bitter now—and follow him in. It’s pretty quiet. Just two other customers and one person behind the counter.
Oh God. Him.
The shop assistant. Liam. We’ve been having a minor flirtation for a while. Since I started uni, in fact. Before summer, I was thinking of doing the unthinkable and actually asking him out, but it just didn’t happen. I figured he’d be a good candidate for a friends-with-benefits thing. He’s fun at game nights and he’s cute enough, but then Jake showed up, and next to Jake he may as well be invisible.
At least he hasn’t noticed me yet.
Jake is visibly overwhelmed by the sheer volume of stuff in here. He stands back, looking up at the many shelves stacked with everything kind of game imaginable: RPGs, party games, zombie games, mysteries, and goodness knows how many more.
‘So,’ he says nudging me playfully, ‘you still love all this stu
ff, huh?’
‘No,’ I lie.
He raises an eyebrow before smirking at me and leaning in, whispering: ‘Nerd.’ I close my eyes, letting his scent wash over me for a moment before opening them up again. He walks over to one of the shelves filled with horror-themed games and picks one up.
The moment over, I reason that I may as well go and look at that expansion while I’m here. I find a copy and flip it over. More cards. More characters. The usual. I weigh up the possibility of using some of my student loan to buy it.
‘There’s one set aside for you if you want it.’ Liam is standing next to me. Keeping a respectable distance. Smiling. Friendly. ‘Figured you might be interested after you bought all the others.’ He adds a cheeky wink.
Blushing, I look down. It’s not the flirting. I just don’t want Jake to hear this. To see this.
To think I’m unavailable.
‘Have you played it?’ I keep my voice even. Detached.
‘Yeah, it’s a good addition. We’re adding it to the game night rotation if you want to try it out first. This week?’ Liam steps closer.
I look up, finding Jake, to see his reaction. He’s moved onto the party games, oblivious to Liam. I’m clearly wasting my time worrying about what he thinks. He’s not remotely interested in whether someone is flirting with me and if I do the same in return.
Of course he’s not interested in you. Don’t be stupid.
Whatever. I return to the expansion, searching for the price.
There it is. Yikes. Maybe I’ll buy it as a reward for finishing my next assignment.
My expression must give away my thoughts, because Liam laughs and says, ‘We’ll hang onto the copy I put aside for you until you decide what you want to do.’
‘Thanks,’ I say. I start to put the box back with the rest of the display, but it’s snatched out of my hands.
By Jake.
‘You want this?’ He’s looking at it, reading the back. ‘Expansion. You got the main game?’
‘What? Yes. And yes. But it can wait.’
‘How much? Ah, found it.’ He starts heading for the counter with it.
‘No!’ My voice raises slightly, irritated, causing a few heads to turn. I snatch the box out of his hand and drag him from the store.
‘Hey! I was going to buy that for you!’
‘Yeah well, too late.’ He’s already done more than enough for me. I march off further into town, hoping he doesn’t go back in. He doesn’t. He joins me instead.
We walk without speaking for a minute or so before he breaks his silence.
‘Who was that guy?’
So he did notice.
‘Who?’ Why am I playing dumb? I’m not entirely sure.
‘You know who. In the shop.’
‘Oh. I don’t know.’ I’m not sure why I’m lying, either. ‘He works there. He’s nice enough.’
‘He likes you.’
I ignore the comment.
He lowers his voice. ‘Do you like him?’
‘Shut up,’ I snap.
For a moment, his expression is impossible to read.
‘Well, he definitely likes you.’ He nudges me again, back to his usual teasing self.
Yeah, I know. I don’t want to think about it. He was a perfectly viable prospect until you blustered back into my life five days ago.
I say none of this. I just keep walking. My legs speed up, almost involuntarily, with no clear end point in mind.
As we pass a lingerie boutique, I feel Jake slowing down before coming to a complete halt at one of the display windows. Annoyed, I also stop and turn to face him. He’s looking at the dummies, which are adorned with ludicrously expensive underwear.
‘Maybe,’ he says slowly, ‘he’d really like you in something like this.’ He nods towards a mannequin wearing some especially skimpy lingerie.
I have no idea how to respond.
‘Shall we get you some?’ He’s saying. ‘You could ask him out…’ His voice becomes muddled in my mind. Please stop talking. This isn’t what I want. I know I can’t have what I really want, but this is the worst kind of rejection. Jake may as well just say: I don’t want you. In fact, I want you so little that I’m going to help you get with someone else.
I can feel my cheeks burning. Upset that this is happening, ashamed for letting Jake get back under my skin so easily. He’s nodding now, towards the door, and walking in.
‘Jake!’ I hiss. ‘No, please, can we just—’
He’s already walking into the shop.
Damn it.
He looks so good from behind. And he’s just told me he doesn’t want me, essentially. This is the worst.
I could just leave. I should just leave. But I know I’m not going to. Despite knowing this can’t end well, I follow him in.
By the time I catch up, he’s talking to a sales assistant. She clearly recognises him, giggling and flirting, putting her hands on him. He’s not even bothered. Something surges inside me. Jealousy? I can’t even imagine invading his personal space like that, and I’ve known him since I was a little kid. The first time he hugged me was four days ago, and I’m pretty sure that’s only because he thought I was going to cry.
Jake gestures in my direction and the sales girl looks at me, her face falling into a decidedly less friendly look. He beckons me over, and like a helpless puppy, I obey.
‘This is my friend,’ he’s saying, ‘and she’s got a hot date. Although’—he leans down towards her and lowers his voice a little—‘he doesn’t know it yet. How about we find her some sexy lingerie?’ He winks.
She softens into a smile again before looking me up and down and scuttling off to find something suitable, clearly relieved he’s available and not involved with the hideous bespectacled creature he dragged into her shop. Maybe she thinks she’s in with a chance.
When she’s out of earshot I turn to Jake. ‘What are you playing at?’
‘Just being a good wingman,’ he grins.
‘I don’t want a wingman,’ I hiss as the sales assistant returns with armfuls of lingerie. I can’t help but look. The colours are perfect for me. I almost feel bad for assuming she’s a bitch.
She lays the items out on the counter. They’re gorgeous. Every last piece. Five sets of panties and bras. She’s even selected the right sizes. She must be some kind of lingerie wizard. As I reach out to touch the fabric on some deep blue knickers—to see if it’s as soft as it looks—Jake picks up another pair.
He’s quiet for a few moments.
‘We’ve got some changing rooms if you’d like to try any of it on,’ she’s saying. The suspicious side of me thinks she’s just trying to get rid of me. ‘I’ll be here on the shop floor if you need me. Take as long as you like,’ she smiles, before walking away in the direction of a customer.
Okay, I’m clearly an awful, jealous person.
Jake says something. I’m not sure I heard him right.
‘Sorry?’
‘These. They’d look amazing on you,’ he says in a low voice, looking at the lingerie.
The comment renders me speechless. What am I supposed to say to that? What is he trying to do to me?
Not knowing how to respond, I turn back to the bras and knickers on the counter. ‘Can’t afford them anyway. This is a waste of time.’
‘I’ll buy them for you,’ he says without hesitation, getting out his wallet and signalling to the sales assistant.
What is happening? Two minutes ago he was setting me up for a date with someone he’s seen me interact with for less than sixty seconds, and now he’s telling me I’d look amazing in sexy lingerie. It’s all too much for me, too confusing, so I turn to leave. I’m halfway out the door when a strong hand closes around my arm. Firm, but gentle.
‘What’s wrong?’ He looks genuinely confused.
‘Seriously? What are you doing? What’s happening?’ I stop myself being more explicit, but just asking this makes me feel sick with nerves at what his response might be.
<
br /> ‘I’m just…’ He thinks for a moment. ‘Trying to be nice.’
‘Nice?! No. You’re just teasing me. Teasing me like you always did.’ I want to tell him in clearer terms that he’s being confusing and cruel and toying with my emotions, but I can’t. If I do, he’ll say out loud how he really feels, and I’m not sure I can take it.
He looks down for a moment before looking at me again. ‘I thought you liked that guy.’
‘I did. Now I don’t.’ And I’ve said too much, and he suddenly feels so close to me. ‘I need to go.’ As I pull my arm free the sales assistant approaches and hands him a large bag and his wallet.
‘Thanks.’ He accepts his purchases and turns back to me. ‘At least take these. They’re a gift.’
‘Friends don’t buy friends lingerie. Just…just give them to whatever girl throws herself at you next,’ I say quickly, before turning and leaving him there, an unwelcome lump rising in my throat.
Leaving before I see his response.
Before I can change my mind.
CHAPTER 6
Jake
‘HOW ‘BOUT THIS?’
Harry sits forward on the sofa, picking out an entirely new riff on his bass guitar with seemingly no effort. And it’s good. No one should be that talented.
After playing through a few variations with infuriating ease he looks up. ‘Well?’
‘It’s all right, I guess,’ I say, deadpan.
‘What? Fuck up,’ he grins. ‘You know it’s good.’ Talented and arrogant with it. At least he’s our bassist.
It’s just the two of us tonight. Gethin has taken Leah out on a date, and Luc is probably fucking some girl somewhere.
‘Look, never mind the bass line for a minute. We still haven’t ironed out the melody.’ Sitting on the floor, I stretch over to where my acoustic guitar is propped against a chair and pick it up.
Harry raises an eyebrow. ‘Well, that’s because Gethin’s not here.’
‘I can play.’ To prove my point, I play a few bars of our last single.
‘Sure you can,’ he smirks, ‘but you know what he’s like.’
