by Vicky Owen
‘Nope. Just relax. They’ll be done in a minute.’
I wander over to the table, where there’s already a glass of water waiting in front of the same seat as last time.
‘Lemon? Sugar?’ Jake asks as he plates the pancakes.
‘Yes. Both. Thank you.’ I feel like I should be saying more, filling more of the silence, but the things I want to say are impossible and there’s no room for anything else in my mind right now.
He brings them over, and only once they’re in front of me do I realise how hungry I am. Eating will at least mean I have a reason not to speak, so I carve off a big segment of the stack and stuff it into my mouth.
‘How are you feeling this morning?’ Did he deliberately wait until my mouth was full before he asked? I narrow my eyes at him as I chew slowly, determined not to let him rush me. He smirks back. Definitely deliberate.
After what seems like an age, I swallow. ‘I’m good. Why do you ask?’
‘All those Amaretto Sours. Thought you might be a bit hungover,’ he says, taking a bite from his own stack of pancakes.
‘Told you last night. Wasn’t even drunk.’ Well, I was. But the kissing totally sobered me up and replaced it with something else.
We’re quiet for a few minutes, and I realise we’re both avoiding the obvious topic of conversation. My appetite is slowly vanishing, but not because I’m getting full. I want to know what this is now. Friends with benefits? I should say something, so we both know where we stand. So I know where I stand.
Okay. I put my fork down slowly, pancakes not quite half-eaten.
I open my mouth to speak. Jake looks up at me.
‘I…’ I can’t. Not with him looking right into me. Oh God, what if he says it was all a mistake, or just a one-time thing? I couldn’t look at him again. ‘I need to go. Assessment Monday. Need to revise. Study.’ I start to get up.
‘You haven’t finished eating. Are you okay?’ He looks at me suspiciously.
‘I really just have to go.’ I check my pockets to make sure I’ve got everything.
‘Okay then. Well, I’ll take you,’ he says, standing and walking over to the sofa to grab his keys from where they landed last night.
The car journey is just as quiet and awkward as breakfast.
‘We never had a chance to play any games,’ he says suddenly as we turn into my street.
That’s because you were licking my cunt, I think.
The car rolls to a stop outside my flat.
I reach for the handle.
‘Hey,’ Jake says before I can open the car door, ‘last night was fun. All of it.’
Fun. ‘Yeah,’ I say, slowly. That was self-evident, really. I look up at him, at his perfect face, willing him to kiss me again. Willing him to tell me more. I need more. But I’m too scared to ask, and he doesn’t kiss me.
I feel cold and unwanted. Why isn’t he kissing me? If it was fun, he should want more.
Unless it was a mistake.
Maybe it was just the drink.
Oh God. I turn. I need to get out of here. I open the door and leave before the lump in my throat can become anything more humiliating.
CHAPTER 10
Jake
‘NEW BENCH?’
‘Yeah. Gave the old one to the college for their gym.’ Gethin slides under the bar and adjusts his grip. I stand above him, prepared to take the bar if it’s too heavy. ‘Now, Jake, when you’re spotting, you don’t take the bar unless I can’t complete the lift.’
‘I fucking know how to spot, you jackass.’
He frowns before laughing. ‘Oh yeah. That was Harry.’
‘Fucking Harry,’ I mutter as Gethin lifts the bar. ‘I still need to bollock him about that fucking date.’
Eight reps later, Gethin racks the bar. ‘So how did that go?’
‘Horribly,’ I say, wanting to forget all about it. ‘How’s Leah?’
Gethin shakes his head. ‘I don’t know, man.’ He sits upright, clicking his timer. ‘She’s getting worse, convinced I’m fucking every hot piece of ass that crosses my path. Not sure how much more I can take, to be honest.’ He runs his hands through his hair and looks down.
‘What was Harry talking about last week?’ As soon as the question is out of my mouth I wonder if I’ve got a death wish. I’m expecting anger, but Gethin merely shakes his head and looks away.
‘Fuck knows,’ he mutters, ‘but ever since he said it I’ve been wondering if he’s right. And I fucking hate myself for it. For thinking she’d do that to me. And if she did, would she really give a shit if I did too?’
I shrug. I’ve only had one girlfriend and she died. Not really an expert here.
The timer beeps.
‘Next set.’ Gethin lies back down and grips the bar, lifting it out of the rack. Another eight reps later, he picks up the subject of my date again. ‘So why are you pissed with Harry?’
I sigh. ‘She’s the spit of Kelly.’
‘Your sister?’ Gethin raises an eyebrow and sits back up.
‘Yes. Not that I was interested anyway. She was so weird about food.’
‘Kelly. That’s fucked up, man,’ Gethin starts laughing.
I scowl at him. ‘Yeah, well Harry has a lot to answer for.’
‘Harry? She’s your sister. How come you didn’t notice that night she was all over you in Low?’
‘I was distracted!’
‘I bet. By her cleavage?’ he winks, still laughing.
‘Not cool. And no.’
‘Oh, no, you’re right. Distracted by Cerys.’
Thoughts of her gorgeous wet body in my shower flood into my mind again. Fuck. I turn away from Gethin.
‘You haven’t seen her again, have you?’ His voice is suddenly serious.
‘That’s why I went on that fucking date!’ I try not to answer directly. I can’t lie to Gethin. He knows me too well.
‘You have, haven’t you?’ He frowns. I don’t say anything. ‘The fuck are you playing at?’
‘She called me,’ I say, knowing how childish I sound.
‘So fucking what?’ He sighs. ‘Just don’t mess her about. And, for God’s sake, don’t fuck her.’
I look down as I remember her beneath me, her legs around me, my cock deep inside her…
‘Jake?’ Gethin says slowly.
‘Last night,’ I say quietly.
Gethin explodes. ‘What the fuck are you playing at?’
‘I don’t know. I couldn’t help myself. I wanted her.’
‘You wanted her? What does that even mean? Look at me.’
But I can’t look at him. ‘I don’t know. I’m not sure I can even do relationships.’
‘Even if you could, we’re going on tour in a few months. What then?’
‘I don’t know, okay? I don’t fucking know.’
Gethin’s timer beeps. Time for set three.
Cerys
THERE’S NO SOUND but the shuffling of papers and tapping of keyboards around me.
Wednesday afternoon. Study time.
I scroll down the page. PhD after PhD. Molecular biology, genetics, biochemistry…
I save the ones that catch my interest and come fully-funded. I’ve submitted three already. Trying to keep the total under seven, five if possible. Don’t want to piss off my supervisor who has to write a reference for each one.
No matter what’s happening with Jake, I want to work in research. It’s what I love. I belong in a lab, just like Jake belongs on a stage.
My cursor moves to the search bar and I find myself typing.
No Reckless.
Some music website with a profile on the band is one of the top results. I click.
My eyes scan the page, skimming the bits about Luc, Harry and Gethin.
Jake.
They describe his vocals as ‘gritty and low, sexy with a melancholy edge that sets him apart from his peers’. They describe him as being quiet, but a ‘notorious manwhore, almost as prolific as his bandmate Harry.’
I frown, looking at photo of him on stage, shirtless, with sweat running down his chest.
I fucked him.
Mixed emotions swell inside me. Lust, happiness and shame, all mingled together.
Then another thought: how many women is he seeing right now? It can’t just be me. I’m not that fucking special, and I know this can’t last forever. My heart sinks. I need to separate this from my feelings. Better yet, I need to not have feelings about this. It’s just a stupid crush.
Don’t let a dumb, childish crush get in the way of good sex.
But there’s all that stuff with Ana. I still don’t know what happened there. Everyone said it was Jake…
I pull my phone out of my pocket and open the text I received soon after he dropped me off on the weekend. Asking if I want to go over to watch a movie on Friday. At least he actually wants to see me again.
I close the page and go back to my PhD selections, but I can’t concentrate.
It was good. I had fun. Can’t that be enough? I haven’t got time for more anyway, and more would be pointless with the PhD I’m hoping to be able to do.
Fuck it.
I pick up my phone. Lexi’s right. Just some fun could be good for me.
I reply: Yes.
Jake
‘TOLD YOU I could find my own way here,’ Cerys grins before sauntering past me into the house.
She’s dressed more like herself this time. Hoodie and a t-shirt.
Gethin’s warnings still circle in my head, but I asked her over before I spoke to him.
No, he’s wrong. We can do this.
She sits on the sofa. ‘Ooh, soft,’ she says, then leans back. ‘This is so strange.’
She thinks so too. ‘Yeah?’ I ask. She is okay with this, isn’t she? I mean, she’s here after all…
‘Yeah. You own your own house already. It’s crazy. You’re only twenty-two.’
Oh. I grab my laptop and sit down next to her. She flicks the television on.
‘So,’ I say, opening the web browser, ‘what do you want to eat?’
‘Uh…’ She opens up Netflix, browsing through the titles. ‘Burritos?’
I search for Mexican take-outs and read her the options aloud while she scrolls through Netflix. Five minutes later, food has been ordered. Cerys is looking at Planet Earth.
‘Can we watch this instead? I’m not really in the mood for a whole film.’
‘A nature documentary?’ I was hoping she’d choose something scary so she’d have an excuse to cling to me. Or something hot so we could skip straight to sex. Looks like I’ll be watching polar bear cubs rolling around in the snow instead. I sigh. ‘Sure, go ahead.’
Cerys beams and starts the first episode, kicking off her shoes and curling her feet up underneath her. I dim the lights and put my arm around her. She seems to hesitate for a moment then pulls away, removing her hoodie before resting her head on me. Her body fits so perfectly with mine, I think, feeling her breathing as I trace my finger along her waist.
We stay like that for forty minutes. Cerys watching Planet Earth. Me mostly watching Planet Earth, playing with her soft, pale hair.
This is torture. We could be fucking right now.
My phone screen lights up. Text. ‘Food’s here,’ I say quietly.
‘Okay,’ she says, lifting herself so I can stand, ‘I’ll grab some plates.’
‘Plates? We’re having burritos.’
She raises an eyebrow as she pauses the TV. ‘I’ll spill.’
I open the door, exchange cash for food, and walk over to the kitchen where Cerys is getting some napkins and pouring two glasses of water. As I pull two foil-wrapped burritos as thick as my forearm out of the bag she turns to me.
‘Can I ask you something?’
She’s going to want to know if we’re dating. If it’s just the two of us. If we’re in a relationship. Questions I can’t answer, because I can’t do those things and I don’t want to hurt her.
I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the worst as I put the second burrito onto a plate. ‘Sure.’
‘What happened to Ana?’
The world stops turning for a second. Where the fuck did that come from?
‘She was killed. Car accident.’
‘Was it you?’
There it is. I turn around and lean back against the counter.
‘I’ve never talked about this with anyone.’
‘Except the police.’
I run my hands through my hair. ‘Yeah.’
She puts her hand on my arm. Gently. Nervously. ‘I need to know,’ she says.
‘Why? What does it matter? It was years ago.’
Her voice gets firmer. ‘Because I’m here. Alone. With you. Because we’ve’—she hesitates for a split second–’had sex, and we’ll…I…’ She pauses for a moment. ‘I just need to know. And I deserve to know, after everything.’
‘I wasn’t even there when she died.’
‘Doesn’t answer my question.’
I sigh and rub my face. This is not how I imagined tonight going. ‘The guy driving was a complete shit, high on a cocktail of drugs. Fuck knows what he’d taken. She always did prefer bad boys, and she definitely brought out the worst in me. I was sucked into her world of partying and violence. Too much drinking, too much fucking about with drugs. Threw my first punch in response to some bastard trying to feel her up.’
I walk over to the couch and sit down, head in my hands, still ashamed of my actions after all this time. Cerys follows but keeps her distance. I hate this. Hate that she wants to know this about me.
‘Gethin and the others,’ I continue, not looking up, ‘I don’t know why they kept me around. Then one night she was sitting on some new guy’s lap. He was kissing her neck while she giggled, his hand somewhere underneath the skirt she was wearing. I just didn’t care any more. Told her we were over and left. That was the last time I saw her.’ I look up at Cerys. ‘She…didn’t survive the night. Everyone thought we were still together and that it was my fault that she’d fallen in with such a shitty crowd of people. She was this clean-cut, straight-A student. Must be her boyfriend’s bad influence, right?’
Cerys is looking at me, her brows knitting with concern. ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’
‘I don’t know. Her parents had split up and it had done a number on her. She was a mess before we even got together, then when she started getting involved with those losers I felt responsible for her. Then after…what happened, I don’t know. She wasn’t a bad person. She was just fucked up. Blamed herself for her parents splitting up. I didn’t want anyone to think less of her I guess. The feeling of responsibility didn’t go away just because she was dead.’ I put my head back in my hands as Cerys sits down next to me, putting her hand on my back.
‘And now?’ she asks softly.
I lift my head. ‘Now I just feel guilt for not stopping her from going. I just buried myself in band stuff to cope with it, and the band took off not long afterwards so I had an excuse to leave town.’
Cerys doesn’t say anything. Instead, after a moment of looking, she lifts my arm and puts it back around her, reaching for the remote and pressing play. We stay like that, not speaking, until she falls asleep in my arms.
Cerys
FOR A THIRD time, I open my eyes in this room. For a second time, I’m wrapped up in Jake’s strong arms. I lie there, trying to remember the night before.
Ana.
He told me what happened.
And then…nothing. We didn’t do anything.
I don’t even remember coming to bed.
His arms wrap fully around me, completely enveloping me and making me feel so tiny in comparison.
Safe.
I shift myself, turning so I’m facing him, and he pulls me closer in his sleep, drawing my face into him.
He smells so good, and I can’t stop myself kissing his chest. He moans softly, and I wonder if he’s awake.
How could I have th
ought Jake was to blame for what happened to Ana? I’ve known him for so long. I know he could never hurt someone like that.
He did punch a guy though. For Ana. For her.
Not for me.
I wish he had.
The thought takes me by surprise. That’s not what I want. I don’t want Jake getting into trouble for me.
But I do want him to protect me.
I want him full stop. I keep kissing his chest and he starts to wake. I can feel him against me, his erection, and I ache for him to be inside me. As he opens his eyes and sleepily looks down at me, I pull myself up so that we’re face to face. One of his hands plays with the wispy hair at the nape of my neck, while the other slides under the back of the t-shirt I’m still wearing, pulling me closer still as I kiss his neck. As I move my head to kiss him full on the lips, his hand shifts to my lower back, then lower, skimming the waistband of my panties. He kisses me, hard and with need, slipping his fingers beneath the flimsy fabric of my knickers and squeezing my ass. He reaches down until his fingers curl underneath me, teasing my already wet cunt. I feel my cheeks flush as he pulls his hand back up and, moving away from my kiss, puts his wet fingers in his mouth.
Oh God. That’s so wrong and filthy and hot.
‘You taste so good,’ he says in a low moan before pushing his lips against mine again. With his tongue in my mouth I can taste myself, and I need him. I need him now.
‘Fuck me,’ I say between kisses.
He grins. ‘Not until I’ve tasted you again.’ He reaches down and pulls my t-shirt up, over my head, before unhooking my bra and tossing both garments aside. ‘These are so good,’ he says, taking one of my nipples between his lips, teasing it gently with his teeth. Tingles spread from the area to every part my body, settling between my legs as he licks and nibbles and takes the other breast fully in his hand, teasing the nipple with his thumb and forefinger.
It’s too much. I can feel the aching and the dampness increasing between my thighs. ‘Jake, please, I need you to…’ But he’s already tracing a trail of kisses down my midsection, still with one hand on one breast as he gets closer and closer to where I need him to be.
