“Bullshit,” Ellen snapped defensively.
“Bullshit?” Dean questioned with edge. “You think?”
“Yes.”
“Josh.”
“What?” Ellen dropped her arms. “Josh went out with his friends.”
“Not Josh Slagel. Josh Calaway.”
“Oh my God.” Ellen moved away from him. “Oh my God. Why are you bringing up my son?”
“Because I remember you telling me what happened when he was two years old, when you fell asleep on the couch and Josh drank floor cleaner, remember? His stomach had to be pumped and you felt guilty.”
“You are throwing that in my face. Fuck you.”
“No, El. I’m just reminding you that accidents happen. Josh could have died, like Brian could have died. Why didn’t Frank put on the safety? Why didn’t you cap that bottle tighter? Why didn’t Frank put away his gun? Why didn’t you put away the cleaner? Why was Frank getting a drink? Why were you sleeping? Were you any less of a parent? Was Frank?”
“Stop.” Ellen held up her hand. “I get your point. You slapped me in my face with it, but it was delivered.”
“Good.” Dean let out his breath and calmed down. “Now here’s the part where you have to be the strong one. You have to show Frank that all those years of friendship mean something.”
“You want me to give him the kids back.”
“Yes, but that’s not it.”
“What is it?” Ellen asked. “Tell him I’m sorry?”
“No, you can even withhold that if you want. You just have to go to him and let him know that you understand now it was an accident. And ... it’s time you offered your help, any help that he needs, in quitting drinking. It’s important, El. It’s more important than you know. He’ll quit, I’m sure of it and he’ll do it if you help him. The first step is to get him out of this slump you and this accident threw him in.”
“I should go talk to him then.” Ellen walked to the couch and sat down. “I’ll ... I’ll talk to him.”
“Good,” Dean said that one word with an outward breath. “But, El, be prepared, he’s so down on himself, he may not listen.”
“Then what should I do? What should I say?”
“I don’t know.” Dean shrugged as he sat next to her. “But to be honest, you’d better take a moment and give it some thought. Think of what you’re gonna say and it better be good.” He saw Ellen look at him through the corners of her eyes. “Because if it’s not, Frank could very well end up leaving Beginnings ... tonight.”
<><><><>
What to say and how to help Frank was foremost on Ellen’s mind. Having found very little help—word wise—from Dean, Ellen was at a loss at how to handle the situation. So before going to Frank’s, she stopped at the Social Hall and found a small group of women sitting there. She sat down with them and, for the first time, she sought out their advice, and listened to what they had to say. Ellen needed their advice. If her life wasn’t complicated enough, how was she going to include helping Frank in it without making things worse. With what they told her racing through her mind, nervously she went to Frank’s.
“El,” so shocked he spoke as he opened up his front door.
“Frank.”
“El, look.” His words were low. “If you came here to blast me I ...”
“No.”
“No?”
“Can I come in?”
“Sure.” He stepped back opening the door for her.
“Thank you.” She walked in but not too far in. “Brian is doing very good.”
Frank closed his eyes. “Thank you for telling me that.”
“You’re welcome. Frank?” She waited for him to look at her. “I was wrong for making it worse than it needed to be.”
“No, El. I was wrong. It was all my fault and I deserved everything you said. I deserved it.”
“Frank, look I ...”
“No. El, you’re right. I was pathetic. I am pathetic and I don’t deserve you coming over here. I appreciate you telling me about Brian and I’ll never forgive myself for what happened.”
“Frank.” Ellen grabbed his hand. “Come with me.”
“What?” Oddly, Frank felt pulled to the steps. “What’s going on?”
Ellen said nothing; she just led him up stairs and to the bedroom.
“El?”
“Close the door, Frank.” Ellen stepped backwards towards the bed.
Frank shut the door, as he turned around he saw Ellen lifting off her shirt. “El, what’s going on?”
“You’re down Frank.” Ellen unclasped her bra. “You need something. I want to make you feel better.”
Frank watched her stand there, undressing. Ellen looked blank, almost emotionless. Instead of being filled with any stir of desire, Frank got angry. “Help me feel better?”
“Yes.”
“What? By fucking me?”
“Isn’t that what you want?”
“No!” Frank yelled strongly. “It isn’t what I want. Not like this! Who the hell are you trying to be, El? Jenny? The other woman? Thinking that you can give up your body to us men and in one lay it takes it all away, like some sort of emotional fuckin call girl?”
“I can’t believe you’re saying that to me.”
“I can’t believe you’re standing here being like this with me. Me!” Frank pointed to his chest. “Me, El.”
“Isn’t this what you need?”
“No. You are what I need. Not this. Not you like this.” His hand motioned at her. “After twenty years, this is what I get, you standing here before me like I mean nothing?” He bent down to her clothes, picked them up, and handed them to her, not even looking at her partially nude body. “I appreciate the offer. I appreciate what you told me downstairs but I would also appreciate if you took your clothes and left.” Turning from her, Frank walked to the door and opened it.
“I was just trying to help, Frank.” She held her clothes tightly to her chest. “I didn’t mean to come off so cheap.” She rushed to the door but stopped when Frank closed it slightly. “God, I feel so stupid.”
“Just tell me one thing, El,” Frank whispered in her ear as she stared at the door’s edge. “Tell me how we got to this point. Did you lose that much respect for me, that much love, that you have to withdraw in order to be with me?”
“No, Frank.” Ellen’s voice cracked. “I have to be like that.”
“Why?”
Ellen’s breath was shivering, her eyes held tight to his fingers that gripped the edge of the door. “I just do. Please let me go.”
“No.” Frank moved his head closer. “You tell me why. You tell me why you have to stand before me and act as if it is nothing. Why?”
“Because I’m afraid.”
“Afraid of what, El? Huh? Afraid of what? Of me?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
“I’m afraid of me.” She sounded so much on the verge of tears. “I’m afraid if I’m not like that ...” She lifted her eyes to his, staring deep at him. “I’m afraid I may never wanna let you go.”
So barreled over by Ellen’s words at that moment, Frank felt his entire being drop to the pits of his stomach, hard and fluttering, forming an emotional lump in his throat. With what he just heard Ellen say, and no longer holding back what he kept deep inside, Frank’s hands released the door and went immediately to Ellen’s face. He pulled her up and into him and placed his mouth wide and hard to hers, kissing Ellen like he hadn’t done in so long. His body shook as he did so, weakening with the whimper she let out as he pulled her closer to him. He closed the bedroom door. with the weight of their two bodies, so symbolic-like, almost as if they were closing a long chapter in their lives. And they were. From that second on, Frank and Ellen both knew, there was no turning back.
His voice was barely heard, graveled and whispered, deep from within his soul. Never pulling his mouth far from Ellen’s as he spoke and brushed his lips against hers with nearly every word. “This i
s what I need ... this.” Sadness and aching carried in his voice. “You are my heart. I love you.” He kissed her again, spreading his fingers across her face, caressing the lips that he so lightly touched. “When will you understand? When will you learn? Everything I am ... I am for you. I live for you.”
This time Ellen grabbed on to Frank, grasping him, kissing him as she leaned back into the door, not wanting to let him go, pulling him back each time he pulled away.
“Tell me, El.” He kissed her as they began to slide down. “Tell me.” He felt Ellen’s head shake, her lips reaching for his. “Tell me.” Another kiss. “Please.”
“I love you, Frank.”
Frank lost his breath, his eyes rolled slightly, and he gripped Ellen with everything he was.
“I have never stopped loving you, Frank.”
Parting her lips with his, Frank slipped his hand under Ellen’s hair, then lifted her into his arms and carried her to the bed.
Locked.
Side by side their bodies were joined. Frank cradled Ellen in his arms, wanting to hold her as much as make love to her His mouth held tight to Ellen’s with kisses he did not want to stop, moving almost in perfect synch with his body. Each passing sweep and press of his lips reflected the motions his body made. Slow. So slow. Deep and intense.
Frank’s heart beat so strongly he could barely breathe. Through it all, only once did he pull his lips from Ellen’s. In their final moment, only briefly, Frank separated from that kiss.
A hesitation in their near lips, a cessation of movement with tightly closed eyes and one slow, shuddering breath ... quiet.
Frank kissed Ellen again.
<><><><>
Holding on to Ellen’s hips as she sat on the edge of the bed putting on her shirt, Frank ran his lips sensuously up from the small of her back and under shirt, feeling her. “You cold?”
“No.” She shook her head then flipped her hair from her collar. “Not at all.” She reached down and grabbed her underwear, putting them on.
“What are you doing?”
“Frank.” She smiled at him and bent down to kiss him. “I’m going home.”
“You’re what?”
“I’m going home.”
“You’re kidding me? Now?”
“Yes now, Frank.” Ellen finish getting dressed then leaned down to him. “I’ll see you ...”
“No.” Frank grabbed her arm. “Stay here.”
“I can’t stay here, Frank. I have to go home.” She pulled her arm away. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“El, come on.” Frank slid from the bed holding the sheet to him. “Did I miss something? What was all this about? I thought, no I believed this was more than just making love.”
“Frank.”
“You’re leaving me?”
“I’m not leaving you.” She tapped him on the cheek. “I’m just going home.”
“Don’t,” Frank said with passion. “Don’t go. Please? Don’t do this to me, not right now. I need you.” He grabbed hold of her. “With the way we kissed, the way we made love, I swear, I thought this was it. You told me you loved me, El.” He kissed her. “Stay with me. Come back to bed.”
“Frank, what is wrong with you? You are way too upset over this.” She kissed him back. “So much that you’re missing what’s going on.”
“That’s because I’m scared to death that you’ll go home to Dean and this will never happen again.” He saw Ellen laugh. “What is so funny?”
“You, Frank. I would have never told you I love you, never been with you like I was if I had no intentions of following up on it. We have worked so hard to get to this moment. It’s a process, Frank, one that’s led us here, and unless you’re a big jerk, it will lead us here again.”
“So we’re back?”
“Sort of.”
“Sort of.” Frank tossed his hand in the air and sat on the bed. “I put my heart on the line to you. I have waited so long for this. I was patient for this. I thought we made it. Finally. What will it take for me to get you to stop saying ‘sort of’.”
“Wanna know?”
“Yes.”
Ellen knelt before him and held his hand. “I’ll make you a deal. You have to quit drinking, Frank. Completely. You have to get dry. Do this for me. Show me that you have every intention of giving up the bottle. Show me and I will help you do it every step of the way. But I have to see that you’re sincere. If I see that, then I promise you here and now, that for the rest of our lives, you and I will always, always be more than a ‘sort of’.”
<><><><>
Dean shook his head slowly in shock and disbelief. “I said make it good. I didn’t think you would make it that good.”
“I had to tell you.” Ellen sat next to him on the porch.
“I’m glad you did.”
“You know what so funny, Dean. He wasn’t leaving Beginnings. I asked him. He was only packing his bags because Joe made the suggestion to let you have his house.”
“He needs it now, doesn’t he? We’re gonna go back to sharing the kids. Aren’t we?”
“Yes,” Ellen nodded, “but not yet. He can have his responsibilities back only after he quits drinking which we’ll see if he does.”
“So why did you come back?”
“I live here.”
“I have to tell you, Ellen, I thought you and I were back together.”
“We are.”
Dean laughed in sarcasm. “Not for long, if anymore.”
“Dean.” Ellen nudged her shoulder into him. “Who is the one who has said, more than once, that they don’t want to get completely involved? You. You’ve hurt my feelings you know.” She snickered . “Who said that they would be perfectly content being the understanding, or better yet, the ‘other man’. How was it that you put it? It was kind of insulting, yet true? You said it was because I’d never give up the other man?”
“To be honest, El, I got used to you living here. I like it.”
“Who are you kidding? You hate it. I bitch. I get in the way ...”
“But you’re here.”
“And I always will be,” Ellen said, “always for you.”
“Tell me where this leaves me.”
“Wherever you want it to.”
“What do you mean?” Dean asked.
“Just like I said, Dean, wherever you want it to leave you. Think about it. You’ve made the suggestion many times.” Ellen smiled. “Put it this way, you know how much time we spend together and how many hours a day that is. Basically, back together with Frank or not, I’m pretty much leaving it up to you on how you want to spend some of those hours.” She stood up then bent down to kiss him on the cheek. “I’m going to bed. You coming up?”
“In a minute.” Hunching in annoyance as Ellen did what she always did whenever they sat on the porch—messed up his hair—Dean stared out into the street and thought about what Ellen had said then he grinned. Dean realized, for the first time ever, he just got his guarantee that he would not end up the loser again. It was a guarantee he could have had before. But this time ... Dean was going to take it.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
AUGUST 10
Frank’s trembling fingers ran through the little ponytail of Alexandra. He stared at her with a slight smile on his face. Of her, Billy, and Joey, she was the last one Frank wanted to say ‘hello’ to at the school. “Pretty.” He twirled her hair around his finger.
“Henry did it.” She smiled. “He always does my hair.”
“When?” Frank asked her.
“Here in school.”
“How often does Henry come here and do your hair?”
“Every day. Today I wanted a big ponytail. Some days I like them little because I like when he brushes my hair. He does that here since he pissed Mommy off and we can’t see him.”
Frank laughed at her. “I’m glad you’re not pissed off at Henry.”
“No way, I like Henry. He’s funny.” Her skinny legs swung back and forth as she
sat on the small wall outside the school with Frank. “I wish Mommy would like him again.”
“Soon, Alex, I think soon.”
“Daddy does too. The other day, Mommy was trying to tell him a story and Daddy kept telling her. ‘Go talk with Henry. Go. Go!’.” Alexandra giggled. “How come he didn’t tell her to go tell her story to you?”
“Because Daddy knew I’d tell Mommy the same thing.”
“Why?” Alexandra asked. “She doesn’t live with you. Daddy says you don’t have to listen to Mommy stories if you live with her.”
“Daddy’s wrong. That’s a big mistake me and him both made. I’m hoping.” He held up crossed fingers. “I’m hoping that pretty soon she’ll be living at my house and telling me her stories again.”
“I hope so too.” Alexandra kept swinging her legs. “I like when you fight with her. It’s funny.” She reached up and grabbed his fingers. “You’re shaking.” She smiled.
“I know.” Frank lifted his eyes from her. “And ... Miss Jenny is waiting to take you back inside.”
Jenny, who had stepped from the school, held her hand out to Alexandra. “Come on, Alex, we have to go back in. Say goodbye to Frank.”
Alexandra slid from the wall reaching her small hands up to Frank’s face. “I love you.”
Frank smiled at the feel of the tiny hands touching his cheeks. “I love you too.” He kissed her. “Be good.” He tapped her backside as she ran to Jenny.
Jenny paused before going back inside with Alexandra. “Frank? Are you all right? You look like you don’t feel well.”
“I’m fine.” He stood up. “Thanks. And uh thanks for letting me see the kids. I missed them yesterday.”
“Sure, Frank.” Holding Alexandra’s hand, Jenny took her into the school.
Smiling a simple smile, Frank waited outside the school, watching it. He ran his hand over his head then sniffed through his clogged nose. Folding his arms close to his body with a shiver, he began to walk away when he felt something odd on the ground as he walked. Wondering what he stepped on, Frank looked down and lifted his boot. There beneath his huge foot, lying semi-crushed, was a mouse. “Weird.” Frank bent down and picked up the lifeless creature by the tail, looked at it, shrugged, tossed it in the bush, and continued on toward the nursery.
The Big Ten: The First Ten Books of the Beginnings Series Page 331
