Silence.
Brain’s head stopped twitching and dropped to his right toward Ellen.
Ellen’s eyes caught Brian’s, it was if her baby stared at her. Like so many times before, but only this time without that precious life behind them. She couldn’t look, she spun from the crib and into the counter, gripping the edges of it. Breathing so hard, closing her eyes.
Dean let go of Brian’s leg. His arms folded close to his body as he stepped back. The pain wrenched through his stomach, burning up to his chest. He huddled over, digging his own elbows into his gut as he buried his face in his hands.
“Bri.” Frank shook him lightly. “Brian.” He shook him again. “Come on. It’s Dad. Brian.” Frank lowered his lips to his son. “Brian, please wake up.” He kissed him. “Breathe ... please breathe for me baby.” He stared at his baby, who did not respond. “No.” The word quivered from Frank’s throat. “No.” He spoke stronger, “NO!” Frank’s head went back and his one cry out, rang out long and hard filling the room and carrying throughout the clinic. His shoulders bounced as his hand gripped the railing to the crib.
Ellen’s entire insides trembled listening to Frank cry out. Tears streamed from her reddened face as she finally turned around. Dean had his back faced to them, leaning forward into the wall. She looked to Frank, ready to go to him when she saw him reach into the crib. “Frank.”
“Brian! Oh God!” Frank pulled the oxygen from him, and then the intravenous. He cried out even more as he lifted Brian up and his son’s arms that used to cling to him, flopped with no life as his head fell back. An angry growl emerged from Frank and he turned completely red, bringing Brian tightly to his chest, cradling his head in his huge hand, gripping Brian’s back, and planting his lips to his son’s cheeks. The wide shoulders of Frank’s bounced up and down, as his eyes closed as tight as they could get, trying to squeeze the pain from himself. Praying and hoping with all of his heart that he hadn’t just lost his son. The son he prayed for, the one he waited for, the son that taught him how to be a father again.
It was a Frank no one had seen before. Filled with deep anguish, be backed himself into a corner and slid down the wall, sitting with Brian on the floor. His long legs bent up as he wrapped his arms completely around the baby, holding him tight to his chest, wedging Brian’s little head between his broad shoulder and his tear filled cheek. Frank wept. He shook violently, sobbing from the depths of his soul. And Frank held on to Brian, embracing him with all of his love, knowing it would be the last time he would ever hold his son again.
Ellen trembled so badly her breathing was out of synch. Through her nose, and partly opened mouth, she quivered with every short breath she took. Her shaking hand reached out as she knelt down to Frank. “Fr-Frank.”
“No.” His head buried in Brian, he spoke so soft, so barely audible.
Slowly her hand touched upon Brian’s head, she gasped when she felt the lifelessness of him.
“He’s gone, El.” Frank wiped his tears over Brian. “He’s gone. My son is gone. Why, El? Why did he have die?” He pulled Brian’s hand to his mouth, gripping the pudgy fingers that used to hold his and he kissed them.
With the back of her hand Ellen wiped the tears from her cheek, but it didn’t matter, they were replaced with the fresh ones that kept falling down. Through her mother’s sorrow she leaned forward to Brian, laying her lips gently to his head, holding her hand to his face and whispering through her kiss to him. “I love you. Mommy loves you so much ...” Fighting back breaking down, Ellen’s body shook and she pulled back, shaking her head, turning and running from that room as fast as she could.
Joe was nearly barreled over by her as he approached the door. “Ellen ...” Reaching out and missing, Joe looked in the room to see why she had run out. His mouth dropped open and he felt the pain as he witnessed his son, his strong son, totally broken and holding his child in his arms on the floor. He looked to Dean who leaned face forward into the wall as if it were his only means of support. “Dear God.” Joe had to turn from the scene He couldn’t witness it, he couldn’t see the loss of his grandchild. Turning he faced Robbie who stood stunned in the doorway.
With solace Robbie walked into the room moving to Dean first and laying his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Dean ...”
Dean turned around to the touch, his face was red as he looked up to Robbie. Dean wanted to say something, but his pain stopped him and he shook his head. “Excuse me.” Like Ellen he took off from that room.
Robbie could hear his big brother’s cries, slowly he walked over to Frank and brought himself down toward the floor. “Frank.” Robbie tried not to look at Brian. “Frank, I’m sorry. I am so sorry.”
Another burst of sadness came from Frank as he blindly reached up and grabbed for his brother, pulling at Robbie, clenching at him, bringing him to him. Then as Robbie dropped to the floor, Frank fell into him. And Robbie held his brother, trying to be a strength for him. Trying to be any type of comfort in a situation Robbie knew that there just was no comfort to be had.
<><><><>
Ellen ran hard and fast. Her feet pounded on the ground as she ran through the empty streets of Beginnings. Her hurt was her drive and she wheezed out with every step she took. She didn’t stop until she physically couldn’t run anymore. She fell, slamming knees first into the hard uneven ground in the Underdeveloped Section. Clenching her fist and pulling out the long grass, she threw her head back and Ellen screamed from her gut, loud and deep, it was filled with every ounce of pain she had. She started shaking when she began to cry, lowering her head, tossing it back and forth, digging her fingers into the dirt with every sob she released.
Ellen didn’t hear his footsteps, nor did she hear him approach at all. She merely saw his knees as he dropped them before her.
Henry removed her hair and slipped his hands upon her cheeks, raising her face to him. His hands held her firm, his thumbs moved in a brush across her tears. He didn’t saying anything, he stared at her. And no words needed to be spoken, his eyes conveyed it all. He was there for her. He was right there.
“Henry.” Ellen’s lips quivered. “This wasn’t supposed to happen again. I wasn’t supposed to lose another child. How can I live with this? It hurts so bad, Henry. It hurts so bad.”
Just as her head began to lower again, Henry stopped her, lifting her head back up, bringing his face closer to hers. “There are no words that I can say to you right now. There is nothing I can do to take this pain away from you. I wish with all of my heart I could feel this for you. Because I would take it ...” Henry swallowed. “I would take it for you. Just know, El. Whatever it is you need from me to help you through this, I will do. If you want to cry, scream, yell or hit, I will help you in any way I can. I’m here for you. Let me help you. Whatever you need.”
“Just ...” Ellen fell to him, “... hold me.”
Henry grabbed on to her, holding Ellen as close as he could, clenching her, steadying her trembling body as she cried. And Henry, closed his eyes tightly trying to stop the tears. Tears for the loss of Brian. But more so, tears for Ellen and all the pain she felt that he just couldn’t do anything about.
<><><><>
Henry pulled the jeep up directly in front of the clinic and he shut it off. Holding on to the steering wheel he looked over at Ellen who just stared at the building. “You don’t have to do this, El. You can go home.”
“No I can’t.” She shook her head. “I’ve been gone long enough. I just needed some time for me to grieve.”
“An hour is not enough time.”
“No it isn’t. But it was enough time for me to get some of it out. Out enough to face everything a little stronger. I left Frank a mess Henry. I just left him. And Dean ... I never saw that look on his face before. He was crushed as much as Frank. Now here’s my problem.” She looked at Henry. “I love them both. Who do I go to? Who is it that I comfort, because I cannot be in two places at the same time.”
“El.” Henry reache
d over and grabbed her hand. “You be with who needs you the most at the moment. And I will back you up. I will help you with them. But remember, you are going through this too. You are going to need help too.”
Ellen gave Henry a sad smile. “That’s where you come in, Henry. I have you.” She slid the hand of his she held across her cheek. “I am so glad for that. Thank you.” She kissed his hand and raised her head to look at the clinic. “This is a nightmare. And the worst part is, I’m going to realize soon that I’m just not waking up from it.” Releasing Henry’s hand she stepped from the jeep and walked slowly to the clinic.
For as much as Ellen loved Joe, he was the last person she wanted to see when she walked through those doors, because she knew the instant she laid her eyes upon him, she would fall apart. Just like the little girl who scraped her knee and was always fine until her father walked in the door. Just the sight of Joe, just the sight of the strength he had, the strength she needed, made her cry. He wrapped his arms around her, placing his lips firm to her forehead.
“Sweetheart.” Joe held on to her. “I am so sorry.”
“Me too, Joe.” Ellen tried not to cry. “I’m sorry for you too.”
“We’ll get through this.” Joe pulled back from her and wiped his hand under his own eye. “We will ...” He cleared his throat, trying to shun the emotions he felt so powerfully. “We’ll ... get through this.” His hands gripped hers. “As a family, you hear.” He kissed her. “As a family.”
How much Ellen’s heart broke more looking at Joe, his eyes red and glossy. And she listened to his simple words that they would get through it and she believed them because it was Joe who said them. And for as much as Ellen told herself she was going into the strong-mode, she took a few extra moments to be weak again, because with Joe she never had to be strong. Even in his pain he had enough strength for the both of them, and she just wanted to escape into his strength before she had to face her pain again.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Frank stumbled into the kitchen after taking his shower, barely standing straight, wiping the chill from his arms as he threw on a sweatshirt. “It feels like it’s twelve o’clock at night,” he spoke to Ellen who stood at the counter. “It’s not even four yet.”
“It’s a long day.”
“The longest one of my life.” He saw her fiddling with something. “What are you doing?”
“I have some medication for you I need you to take.” Ellen walked to him holding out her hand.
“No.” He shook his head.
“Frank, please, one is for the pneumonia and the other will help you sleep, you need to sleep and rest. You won’t get well if you ...”
“No!” Frank snapped at her pushing away her hand. “I don’t care right now.”
“Well I do.” Ellen grabbed onto his arm spinning him to her. “Enough of that horrible future I saw has come true. Don’t let anymore of it happen.” She grabbed his hand slamming the pills into it. “Now take the goddamn medicine right now, or I swear to you, Frank, I will knock your ass out and shove it down your throat. Take it!” Her hand shook as she covered her eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Frank placed the pills in his mouth and grabbed the glass of water that set there, he took a long drink. “Happy?” He slammed the glass down.
“Why are you being like this with me? I know you’re hurt. But you won’t speak to me, talk to me, let me help you.”
Frank slowly swayed his head. Turned to the sink and bent down to the cabinet under it, He began to rummage.
“What are you doing?”
“I need a drink.”
“No you don’t.” Ellen reached for his arm, he pulled it away.
“I need a drink, El.”
“Frank.” She grabbed for the bottle.
“I need something to take away this pain.”
“Let me help you,” Ellen pleaded.
“You can’t do it.”
“Why!”
“Because you don’t understand the way I feel.”
“How can I not understand?” Ellen asked emotionally. “And you think taking that drink is going to make it all go away! No, it’ll only come back, Frank. It’ll come back worse. There is no reason for you to drink that.”
“Bullshit! My son died today!”
“My son died today too!”
Frank’s face grew red with anger. “And you ran away! You ran! You couldn’t face it! And right now I can’t face you! You worked hard on this fuckin virus! You saved everybody else. Why, El! Why couldn’t you just save our son!” With a vengeance, Frank swung out the hand that held the bottle smashing it against the refrigerator just above Ellen’s head. Glass and whiskey shot out everywhere.
Ellen shook as her arms reached up shielding her from the glass that flew about, she backed up into the wall, she wiped the whiskey that splattered across her face and she began to run out.
“El!” Frank chased her.
“Leave me alone.”
“Ellen, please.” Frank dove forward for her, grabbing her arm as she headed toward the door. “Please.” He grabbed onto her, dropping to his knees. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” He laid his head against her back.
Ellen started to cry. “No, you’re right. Why couldn’t I save him, Frank? Why couldn’t I have saved Brian? Why, Frank? Why did I argue with Dean about giving our kids the antiserum? He wanted to give it to them. If we would have done that, Brian would be alive. I might as well have killed him.” She turned around and let his head fall into her stomach. “I’m sorry for taking your son from you. If I could give my life to bring him back. I would.”
“It’s not your fault, El, and I’ll never forgive myself for saying that to you. Never. I’m so angry and I’m so hurt. And I’m scared. I’m scared that I can’t live with this.” He clung to her. “I keep thinking of our son, where is he now, El. What if he knows he’s alone? What if he’s scared too? What if he’s looking for me? Cause I know I’ll spend the rest of my life looking for him. And he won’t be there.”
Ellen could feel Frank’s face rubbing back and forth across her stomach.
“It’s not fair, El. It just not fair. We went through this pain once. Why are we going through this again? Why would God make us go through this again?”
Ellen didn’t have any answers to give Frank as she held him. How could she? When she herself was asking the exact same questions.
<><><><>
It was such a switch of atmosphere for Ellen her head spun. Walking into Dean’s house, and immediately hearing the footsteps above her head. They were coupled with screams and laughs. Ellen smiled, Alexandra and Joey were getting better by the hour. So much at that moment, Ellen wanted to be a child. Because children have a way to escape everything, slip into their own words, sick or not, hurt or not, and forget about it all. She could hear sounds coming from the kitchen, water running, pans moving about. Slowly Ellen walked into there and she saw Dean moving about as if he were hurrying to get dinner on the table. “Hey,” she called out to him. “Henry told me you finally came home.”
“Yeah.” Dean ran his hand through his hair, stepped to her and kissed her on the cheek. “And I want to get the kids fed. Are you staying for dinner?”
“I’d like that. Can I help?”
“No.” Dean faced the stove.
“Dean, how ...”
“How’s Frank?” he interrupted.
“Sleeping.”
“Good, He needs to sleep to beat this pneumonia.”
“Dean,” Ellen called to him. Was he too blaming her? Why wouldn’t he turn around? “Are you all right? I came to be with you.”
“I’m ...” Dean slammed a pan. “I’m fine.”
“Are you?” Ellen asked wearily. “Because I’m not.”
Dean shut off the burners, holding on to the sides of the stove and just staring at the wall behind it. “Ellen. I can’t even think right now. I set the high chair, El.”
Ellen looked behind he
r to the dining room, Brian’s highchair sat at the corner of the table near Dean’s chair. Brian’s little blue plate sat on the tray.
“I wasn’t even thinking,” Dean said. “It was automatic. And now I can’t move it. I can’t bring myself to take it away.”
“Dean.” Ellen walked up to behind him laying her head on his back. “I’m sorry.”
Dean’s head dropped forward. He spoke slow, his voice deep. “I never thought I would feel this much pain in my entire life. I never thought I would want to just curl up and die somewhere. And I just want to curl up and die right now. And you know what the worst part is, El? I lost my son today. My flesh and my blood died today. My son. And nobody even knows.” Dean’s fist hit onto the counter. “Nobody knows.”
“I know, Dean.”
There was sizzle that broke the silence. The sound of Dean’s tear as it rolled down his cheek and hit onto the still hot frying pan. His knees fell forward and his body began to shake as he let go for the first time all day and cried. He turned around suddenly and without letting Ellen see his face, he took her into his arms, pressing his head to hers, and he held her. Feeling her in his arms, his hands moving around, as if reaching for something in Ellen that could take away his pain. But nothing would, and Dean could only hold on to her and cry harder.
<><><><>
He had just taken his third pill, and Frank knew that it wouldn’t be long before he fell back to sleep. That was all right to him, he was emotionally drained and sleep would help the day end. He needed the day to end. It was too quiet in his house, Ellen had left for the third time to go see the kids and Dean. Frank understood, why that was, he didn’t know. Just as he reached to turn off the living room light, he heard a knock at his front door. He closed his eyes and shook his head, wishing whoever it was would just go away. But they knocked again. Upset over the intrusion, Frank stormed to the door, flinging it open and seeing Henry standing there.
The Big Ten: The First Ten Books of the Beginnings Series Page 343
