Robbie closed his eyes. “Why? Why tell you? Huh? Isn’t what happened to this world isn’t bad enough without adding more to your pain? When I found them I knew …”
“Wait!” Frank held up his hand. “You found them? You were in Ashtonville when she did this?” Frank’s face turned red. “Where were you, Robbie? Why was she left alone? You know she wasn’t strong. Ellen? You knew her too. Didn’t this even cross your mind?”
“No, Frank, it didn’t!” Ellen lifted her head, her words as angry as his. “My own children were dying, Frank. They were what crossed my mind. They were what I was thinking about just like Kelly was thinking about hers!”
“Don’t you dare defend her to me!” Frank cried out. “Don’t you dare! You don’t know what it’s like to find out that your children weren’t even given a chance!”
“And you don’t know what it’s like to give them a chance and watch them die!” Ellen stepped to him. “Die Frank, horribly. Kelly made a choice a choice on behalf of her children. It may not have been the right choice but at least none of them suffered, Frank. You should be grateful for that.”
“Grateful?” Frank shouted. “How can I be grateful for her killing my kids?”
“Because I saw what the plague did to my children, that’s why! I know the pain I felt.”
“And because you seen this, your pain is worse than mine? You’re pain justifies what she did?”
“I’m not saying that.” Ellen stepped back waving her arms. “Why did you come to me, Frank. Why?”
“Because I needed my friend. I thought she could help. I was wrong!”
“Yeah, you are wrong! I can’t help you! I tried. I let you reach out to me and you get mad at me? I can’t deal with the anger of your pain when I’m dealing with mine.”
“Then don’t deal with my pain. Don’t. I thought you were my friend but if you can justify what she did to my kids like it was nothing then I don’t need a friend like you.”
“Fuck you, Frank. Fuck you!” Ellen stepped back. “Don’t you ever come to me again. The next time you feel down, the next time you’re hurting, you can find someone else or drown in your pain for all I care, because I will never let you come to me again.”
Robbie couldn’t say anything. He watched his brother swing at the air in total anger and Ellen march back off to her house. “Frank!”
“Stay the fuck away from me right now,” Frank growled as he turned away and went off.
Closing his eyes and shaking his head, Robbie went after Ellen. He wanted to get ahead of her because he saw it coming. Dean was simply standing there and Ellen stormed by him, shouting as loud as she could, ‘Stay away from me!’
Biting his lip, Robbie neared the house.
“Robbie.” Dean stopped him. “I didn’t say anything to her.”
“I know. I’ll handle it.” Trying to calm down, Robbie walked into Ellen’s house and shut the door. “El.”
“Get out!”
“Ellen.” He walked into the living room, hearing the breaking of glass. “Ellen, stop.”
“Get out, Robbie. Get out of my house!”
“I will not.” He grabbed a vase she was about to throw. “I will not get out of your house.”
“I don’t need you here.”
“The hell you don’t. What did I do to you?” Robbie asked her. “I haven’t done anything to you.”
“You won’t leave me alone.” Ellen faced him, her face tear streaked.
“I won’t leave you alone because I care.”
“I don’t want you to care about me. I don’t want anyone to care about me.”
“Tough, Ellen. People care. You have to face that. That’s why we’re all sticking together, to help each other through this. Believe it or not, you will get through this but lashing out, being spiteful and mean is not the way to do it.”
Clenching her fist, Ellen brought them close to her chest. “I have every right to be spiteful and mean.”
“Bull shit you do. You aren’t the only one in pain here, Ellen. Everyone suffered a loss. Everyone. You don’t think I’m in pain? You don’t think my heart is broken? That I don’t feel what happened to this world. I do. I’m angry too. I’m hurt too. Look around at those of us who are left. We’re all angry and hurt but we aren’t the ones who took your children from you, Ellen. We’re the ones who are left. Quit treating everyone like they were the ones who robbed you of your life.” With his words, Robbie felt the cold hard sting from Ellen’s hand across his face. “Is that what will make you feel better? Taking it out on me? Do it.” Robbie placed his face close to hers. “Hit me. I can take it. I will take it if that’s what you need. Get it out Ellen. If that’s what it takes, get it out.”
With her fist closed, Ellen struck once into his chest, then again. On the third blow, her hit slowed down and her head flung back as she let out a deep heart cry out and broke down in angry tears. “I can’t take it, Robbie. I need them back. They were my life.”
Just as she was about to strike again, Robbie grabbed her, laying his hands to her face. He pulled her to him. “I wish to God I could take away all of this. I wish to God I could, cause I’m hurting too, El.”
Her body trembled and her eyes closed. Feeling the security of his grip, Ellen reached for him. Trying to find something to cling to on his bare chest—her hands opening and closing in emotional desperation—Ellen found herself meeting him and her parted lips against his.
Robbie took that moment.
It was if Robbie’s kisses were in a search. Each moving motion—biting yet tender—of his lips looked for an answer to Ellen’s pain and his. Everything that had happened in the past few days build up in his chest. An aching hurt, crawled up, burning his throat, weighting his eyes, and blasting him in that moment. It was a battle for him against the tears that crept to the creases of his tightly closed eyes.
Ellen shook her head when she felt a pull from him. “Don’t.” She clung to him. “Hold me tighter.”
Bending his knees, Robbie brought his hands down to her and lifted Ellen up into his arms. He held her tightly where they stood, kissing her and not letting go.
It was far different than either of them had ever experienced. What brought them to that moment, what was needed at that moment, reflected in the way that they made love on the living room floor. Robbie wrapped his arms tightly under her, holding her body to him, his hand extending up, gripping her head, keeping her face to his. He never paused long in his kisses. He couldn’t. Clinging so tightly, Robbie buried himself deeply into Ellen. He barely moved, he barely breathed, nor did she. For the closeness, against the hurt ... they just held on.
<><><><>
Robbie sniffled then rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand as he sat up on the floor. He took that last hit from his cigarette and smashed it out into the ashtray. Reaching over to the coffee table to set it down, Robbie used his chin to control how he blew out the smoke—up in the air instead of straight ahead. Pulling his hand back, he looked down at Ellen who lay next to him. Her eyes were closed. She laid semi on her stomach on the make shift floor bed. Robbie slid down to try and sleep but he stopped and stared at Ellen. Using his rough forefinger, he smoothed away the hair that sprawled about her cheek, brushing the strands gently behind her ear. He leaned over her and softly placed his lips on the just cleared spot of her cheek. He slid further down to the pillow.
Ellen lifted her head then rolled to her side. “Did you want to go outside and sit? It’s pretty warm in here.”
“May not be a bad idea. I put some beers in the powder room toilet. They should be chilled.”
“Then let’s go out.” She stood and extended her hand to him. He didn’t take it. “You all right?”
“Sorry I woke you,” Robbie swallowed.
“You didn’t wake me. I just dozed. The floor would have killed my back anyhow.”
“El.” It was hard for him to speak. “I’m sorry I got emotional like that when we were together. It’s not me. I .
.. I was so glad to feel something besides pain.” His jaws clenched.
“Me too, Robbie.” Ellen wiggled her fingers and, finally, Robbie grabbed her hand and stood. He barely looked at her. “What’s wrong?”
“I broke.” He closed his eyes.
Ellen moved to him. “You didn’t break. You just paused long enough to let it go. We let it go together. Thank you for that.”
“Since I was a kid…” His hand stroked her hair as he stared into her eyes. “…I haven’t cried. Until tonight, no one has ever seen me cry and even though it’s you,thatbothers me.”
Ellen’s whispering words went right through him. “Don’t worry about, it Robbie. I didn’t see you cry. I promise you.”
He knew she did. He embraced her quickly, kissed her on the cheek, and then reached down for his shirt.
“Robbie, tonight was for us, okay? No one ever needs to know what we said or what we did to get through this.”
“Thank you.” Robbie darted a kiss to her lips and backed up. “I need that beer.”
“Me, too.”
After Robbie left the living room, Ellen gathered up the floor items and tossed them on the couch. Robbie would probably sleep there. It was too hot on the second floor.
She felt the cooler breeze seep in from the slightly open living room window. Outside would be better, she thought.
“Robbie, I’ll be on the porch,” she called to him and walked to the front door. When she opened it, she saw Frank walking up the street.
Ellen debated on whether or not to even say anything or to just close the door and go back inside. But she froze in her stance and Frank walked to the porch.
“Hey,” Frank said softly. “Where you heading to?”
“Porch. It’s hot in the house.” Ellen pushed open the screen door and stepped out. “What’s up?”
“I needed to talk to you.” Frank’s head lifted when Robbie stepped out.
Robbie partially smiled. “Hey, Frank. I’m glad you came by. You want a beer? They’re cold.” He extended one.
Frank took it. “They’re wet.”
“They were in the toilet.”
Frank stared at it, twisted the cap, and then nodded. “Good thinking.”
“A Dad, trick. You joining us?” Robbie asked.
Frank hesitated. “I was needing to talk to Ellen.” A pause. “Alone.”
Ellen turned and looked at Robbie.
Robbie took a drink of his beer and completely flipped his projected demeanor. “I think that is a great idea. Yes. Talk.” He cleared his throat and took another drink. “I’ll go back inside.”
“No,” Frank said. “I wanna take a walk. El?” HE held out his hand.
Ellen again looked over her shoulder at Robbie.
“Are you getting permission from my brother?” Frank asked.
“No, of course not. I’m just making sure Robbie’s ok. He’s feeling all this too, Frank.”
Robbie spoke up. “I’ll be fine. I’ll wait up. Go.”
Ellen nodded and took Frank’s hand.
Robbie watched them as they disappeared down the street. He sat on the porch with his beers. It did bother him some. He wasn’t really ‘ok’ but what choice did he have?
<><><><>
The house was way down at the end of the street, the opposite end from where everyone else lived. That was where Frank and Ellen sat, on the dark porch of the huge tan house.
Frank moved the glider back and forth, not fast. He knew how that made Ellen sick. His arm rested on the back of the glider as he faced her. “Why here? I always hated this house.”
“Me too, but they have a great porch, don’t they?”
“You have a point.” Frank brought his other hand down to her knees which were bent up, pressing against his side. “I’m sorry about our fight.”
“I am too. We said some things to one another we shouldn’t have.”
“It just seems like over the last few years you and Robbie have this weird bond and neither of you wanted to say anything about Kelly. I come home and he’s been here the whole time. It bothers me that you’re turning to him to help you out,” Frank said. “We’ve known each other a long time. We’ve always gone to each other. Right now, there’s no one else I want to help me though this but you.”
“I want to help you. I do.” She edged even closer to him. “I didn’t mean what I said to you earlier.”
“I didn’t either, El.”
“But can we help each other?” she asked with concern. “Can we? With what we both lost, do we have too much pain to help each other?”
“No.” Frank shook his head and swallowed. ‘We have the same pain. You and I are the only ones who know what each other is feeling.”
“I feel lost. I feel angry. I miss my kids so much. I loved them so much.”
“I know, El.” His arm moved from the back of the glider to her as her head fell against him. “I feel the same way and right now I’m numb. I’m so angry with myself because I wasn’t around them at the end. I never got a chance to say goodbye or tell them how much I loved them.”
“They knew. I’m sorry, Frank. I’m sorry for what you’re going through too.”
“Just promise me, El. Promise me when you miss them, when you need to talk about them you’ll come to me and let me help you. Promise me I can come to you. We can get each other through this. I know it.”
“I promise you.”
With her words, Frank lifted Ellen and placed her on his lap. She curled up like a child against him and cried. With his heart he comforted her and, in their silent moment, in their hurt, they just stayed there.
Wednesday, June 24-5:00 p.m.
Ashtonville Connecticut
Ellen knew that Doc Breyer had them stashed somewhere within his laboratory. The lab once used for urine and blood samples was now Dean’s make-shift lab. She crawled around on the floor, in and out of the cabinets, checking for them while she listened to Dean and his father ramble on about what the route of action would be for the run they would be making in two days for medical supplies that would be taken to their new home in Montana. This medical supply run, Dean and Ellen would be making alone, together.
William Hayes, with a smile, looked down to her as she grunted. “Ellen, they aren’t important.”
“Yeah they are.” Her voice sounded distant from under that cabinet. “He has a bunch.”
Dean shrugged. “Dad, she’s been accounting for everything in here since Joe got back and announced we’d be leaving. Let her go. It makes her happy.” Dean peered down in a bend over Ellen who was at his feet. “Me too.”
William shook his head at his son. “Keep your focus on where it should be, Dean.”
“I am.”
“Not there,” William scolded. “Tomorrow night we’ll ... Dean?” William snapped his fingers. “Listen to me. Tomorrow night the three of us will go over the final plans of this run. We’ll go down the list again and make sure we have enough and it all. We don’t want to get there and have to send out for something we forgot about.”
Ellen’s excited ‘yes’ came out through the cabinet. “Found them.” She reached her hand out. “Here, Dean.” She handed him a box, then another and another. Eight boxes later she scooted out.
Dean chuckled as he looked at the boxes. “Purple tongue depressors?”
“He thought they were the wave of the future.” Ellen stood up. “In a sense I guess they …” Suddenly she swayed to her right, losing her balance and catching herself.
“Ellen.” Dean grabbed hold of her. “What’s wrong?”
Blinking her eyes several times, Ellen looked like she was in a fog. She didn’t answer.
William reached out and pulled over a chair when he noticed her falling forward. He gripped Ellen’s shoulder and pulled her back. “Dean, get me a cool cloth.” He made her sit down and waited for the rag from Dean. He placed it behind her neck. “Ellen, are you all right?” He grabbed her wrist. “You’re pulse is fast.”
Dean laid his hand in her face. “What’s wrong?”
“Excuse me.” She jumped up quickly and ran from the room.
“Dad, you think she’s O.K.?”
“She’s been looking a little worn lately, probably the past couple days. I noticed it when Joe got back.”
“It could be nerves, but she’s hasn’t been ...”Dean stopped talking when the faint sound of Ellen vomiting could be heard from the adjoining bathroom. “Is she throwing up?”
“Sounds that way to me, bright boy.” William walked to the door. “Stay here. I’m going to convince our little Ellen to let me take a look at her. She can’t be making the trip if she’s sick.” William walked out of the lab and stood before the closed bathroom door. He heard the water running and waited.
Ellen stepped out, her face wet. ‘William?”
Unfolding his arms, William laid his hand on her shoulder. “You and I, my dear, need to talk. Come with me.”
<><><><>
The first thing Ellen saw when she headed to Frank’s temporary house was Robbie lying on the front lawn. He lay on his back arms spread out, bare-chested. “Robbie, what are you doing?” she asked as she stepped over him on the way to the driveway.
“Getting a tan.” He lifted up some, squinting.
“It’s seven o’clock at night. How tan are you going to get?”
“Not very but it’s a lay down excuse.”
“Why do you care if you’re tan?” She asked him.
“It makes my muscles look better. Wanna feel?” He winked.
“I’ll pass. Where’s Frank?”
Robbie motioned his head to the old beat up truck in the driveway.
“Thanks.” Ellen walked over. She saw two sets of legs under that truck, one very thin, with tidy tennis shoes. The others were big with heavy work boats on. Knowing which one was Frank, she grabbed the bigger leg and shook. “Frank?”
The Big Ten: The First Ten Books of the Beginnings Series Page 453
