by Sharon Sala
“Ah, God, I can’t laugh right now.”
“Me either, but we’re still staying true to the plan, right? We let her call the shots. We do not control the situation or jump in and bail her out if she gets into trouble.”
“I remember,” he said.
“You’re not going to change your mind?”
“No. I’ve seen her sad too long to take this away from her now. Besides . . . it only seems fair that I bite the dust since I’m the one who committed murder.”
“No, Wyatt. That wasn’t murder. That was a rescue, and you’ll always be my hero.”
The memory of Garrett’s brains splattering against the headboard of his bed slid through Wyatt’s mind and then out again. He couldn’t look at Cin and remember that.
“So what do you want to do?” she asked.
The change of subject was welcome. Wyatt slapped his legs. “Hell. Let’s go hang out with Ellie while we’ve still got the chance.”
“That’s what I’m talking about.”
Ellie was careful to sidestep Nurse Jolly when she got to the common room. She didn’t quite understand why Jolly had been so set on accusing her of theft, but was thankful Charlie had run interference. In fact, he’d assured her all was well when he’d come to get her, but she wasn’t taking any chances. She waited until the woman’s back was turned, then slipped past the Christmas tree on her way to Luther’s window. She got a chair from a nearby table and dragged it along behind her until she found the sun, then sat down in it.
Outside, the sky was spitting snow at Memphis with a disdainful attitude, tossing the feeble flakes to and fro with a weak but bitter wind. Knowing how cold it was outside, sitting with the sun on her face made Ellie most grateful. At least for today, it was better to be crazy than homeless.
Hi, God, it’s me, Ellie. I just cut my hair today, so I thought I should give You a heads-up in case You didn’t recognize me.
Lots of things have been happening. They’re all positive, but they’re also getting harder. This isn’t a prayer, but if You have any advice, I would definitely take it. And there’s something else I need to say, but I don’t want You to take it the wrong way. It has been pointed out to me that every time Momma was faced with something difficult, she dumped it in Your lap. She ran away from solving her own problems and I’ve been doing that, too. It’s why Sophie and Wyatt and Cinnamon came to live with me. Instead of facing my problems, I made them do it. I tell You this so that, in the future, if I don’t talk to You as much as usual, You don’t take it the wrong way.
She took a breath and paused to think if there was anything else she wanted to say when she felt a tap on her shoulder.
“Ellie, it’s me, Dr. Tyler. Do you mind if I sit with you a minute? I promise I won’t stay long or intrude on your meditation.”
“Okay, but I don’t meditate.”
Aaron pulled up a chair and sat. It took him a few seconds to adjust to the light, but then he began to understand the appeal of this place, of the colored light. It felt peaceful.
Then he focused on what Ellie had said. “If you don’t meditate, what do you call it?”
“Talking to God. Not praying, just talking.”
“I can see how this would feel like a good place to do that. Does He ever answer you?”
She nodded.
“Really? You said He never answered you when you prayed back home.”
Ellie held up a finger to correct him. “I don’t pray here, remember? I talk. God talks back. I don’t think I know how to pray, that’s all.”
“Ah. Makes sense. Say, I like your new look.”
“Thank you, so do I.”
Aaron already knew she’d made off with the scissors without asking, but was curious to know which alter did the deed. “Who cut it for you?”
“I did.”
The surprise showed on his face.
Ellie rolled her eyes. “You’re just like Wyatt. He nearly had a fit when he saw it. He blamed Cinnamon.”
“Yeah, my money would have been on her, too. Poor girl. She gets all the blame, doesn’t she?”
“That’s my fault. I’ve been letting everyone take the blame for my deeds. It has to stop.”
Aaron couldn’t help but stare. The words coming out of Ellie’s mouth were diametrically opposed to how she’d been when she’d first arrived. He was thrilled that she was getting better, but wondered just how much of her healing he could legally claim. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he watched the colors from the window flickering on her face.
“How did you get so smart?” he asked.
“God and Luther. Although sometimes, I think they’re one and the same.”
Considering she’d pretty much left him out of the equation, Aaron figured he’d gotten his answer.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
A few days before Christmas
Aaron had been watching Ellie’s reactions throughout their session, trying to make sure he was still talking to Ellie. “What do you want for Christmas, Ellie?”
“Out of here.”
Aaron was a little surprised by her vehemence, but tried not to show it. “I see. You do know you have a ways to go yet?”
Ellie’s shoulders slumped. “I know exactly what you’re not saying. You want Wyatt and Cinnamon gone, just like Sophie.”
This surprised him again. “Well, yes, there’s that.” She was unconsciously picking at a hangnail, something only Ellie did, which reinforced his earlier identification.
“I’m not saying it will be easy, but I can’t stay here much longer.”
“Why not?”
“Why not? You say you want me to get better, but the only people in here are really crazy. That’s like putting a sick person in a room with a whole bunch of people who are sicker than she is and asking her to get well without catching what they have.”
It was interesting to Aaron that she viewed herself as sane, even though she had, at one time, conceived three extra personalities and murdered her father. He leaned back in the chair, watching the changing expressions on Ellie’s face. “I understand your logic, but if you remember, there were some very serious reasons why you came here.”
Ellie sighed. “Yes, Wyatt killed Daddy.”
“Not if you’re ready to claim your own mistakes.”
Ellie flinched. The urge to go somewhere else was strong. Where was Wyatt when she needed him? “You know what I mean,” Ellie muttered.
“Yes, and you know what I mean. When you know better, you do better.”
Ellie stared. “Did you get that off the Oprah show?”
Aaron laughed out loud. “Sorry, but I’m having a few ego issues here. First God, then Luther, now Oprah. I fear I have been seriously failing you.”
“Oh no, that’s not true,” Ellie said. “I’m sorry. You’ve been wonderful.”
He grinned. “It’s okay, Ellie. I have a tough hide, even if it doesn’t show.”
Silence stretched out between them. Ellie waited for him to say something else, and when he didn’t, she closed her eyes.
The truth will set you free.
Ellie’s eyes popped open. She grabbed Aaron’s hand so fiercely he flinched.
“I shot Daddy. I don’t really remember how many times, but probably not enough to make him pay for what he did to me before he died.”
Tears burned the back of Aaron’s throat, but he swallowed past them. “What made you say that?”
“Before you sat down, I asked God if He had any advice for me. And just now when I closed my eyes, I heard Him say that the truth would set me free. I want out, so I told the truth.”
“Lord, Lord, Lord,” Aaron whispered, and looked up through the cross in the window to the blowing snow outside. He didn’t know what was going on inside her head, but he would have given an entire year of his life to be able to hear it.
“Good for you, Ellie.”
“For shooting Daddy?”
He would have laughed, but the trage
dy of her life was far bigger than the irony. “Not that so much. I meant . . . good for you for not only recognizing the truth, but for admitting it. That couldn’t have been easy.”
“Oh.”
“We’ll be working on some more of your truths in the coming days, but in the meantime, keep your ears and heart open, okay?”
“Okay.”
Aaron got up and started to leave, then stopped. “Merry Christmas, Ellie. I hope this time next year you will be in your own home celebrating it as a free woman.”
“Me, too, and thank you.”
Aaron nodded, but he felt like he should be the one saying thank you as he walked away. She’d given him the best present he could have asked for.
Wyatt sat down in the chair beside Ellie. “Hey you.”
Ellie smiled. “You came.”
“So did I,” Cin said.
“What do you think about when you’re here at this window?” Ellie asked.
Wyatt eyed the window. It made him feel a little guilty, like the Jesus window did back at Preacher Ray’s church, but he wasn’t going to tell Ellie that. “It’s a good place, honey.”
“I think so, too. What do you think, Cin?”
“I think someone must have loved you very much to have done all this just for you.”
Breath caught in the back of Ellie’s throat. She’d never thought of it like that before.
“So what did the Doc want?” Wyatt asked.
Ellie frowned. “I’m not sure. He talked about my haircut and asked me what I wanted for Christmas.”
Cin giggled. “What did you tell him? Makeup?”
“No. I said I wanted out of here.”
A look passed between Wyatt and Cinnamon, but they didn’t comment. For them, there was nothing left to say.
Ellie was still picking at the hangnail on her thumb as she leaned back and closed her eyes.
Wyatt knew she was hiding something. “Ellie.”
“What?”
“What else did you say?”
She didn’t answer.
“Ellie, open your eyes and answer me.”
“I confessed.”
“To what, sugar?” Cin asked.
“To killing Daddy. I told him that even though I let Wyatt take the blame, I was the one who did it.”
Wyatt felt like he’d just been kicked in the gut.
Cin reached for his hand, but he pulled it away.
The shock of the moment was broken by one of the aides who’d come to get Ellie for the Christmas party. “Hey Ellie. The party is starting, and they have a special treat for you up at the snack table. Christmas cookies. Come on. I’ll walk you over there myself.”
“Go on,” Wyatt said. “I’m not hungry.”
“I’m staying with Wyatt,” Cin said. “Eat one for me.”
“Okay,” Ellie said, and walked off, leaving her best friends behind.
For Wyatt and Cinnamon, it was yet another nail in their coffins. Ellie didn’t know it yet, but she was learning how to be strong and was moving on without them.
Her next session with Dr. Tyler was a few days after Christmas. When she came into his office, he sat at the computer, and to the right of his elbow there was a present wrapped in pink paper with a big pink bow.
“Have a seat, Ellie. Let me save these notes and then we’ll begin.”
Aaron entered the last bits of data and then saved it to his laptop, but he could see she was already curious about the present. Wyatt had mentioned in a previous session that Ellie’s favorite color was pink, so Aaron’s choice of wrapping paper had been on purpose.
“Sorry about that,” he said, as he faced her.
“It’s alright.”
“I have something for you.”
Ellie’s eyes lit up. “Is that for me?”
“Yes, it is,” Aaron said, and handed it to her. “Open it and then we’ll talk about it.”
The smile on Ellie’s face was enchanting. In many ways, her emotional growth was far below her actual age. She tore through the bow and the paper, giggling when tape from the bow got stuck to her elbow before she finally opened the box. She dug through the tissue paper to the pink leather-bound book inside.
“It’s a journal, Ellie. There’s a pink pen in there as well.”
“Like a diary. Oh thank you. I always wanted a diary, but I would have been afraid to write in it. Daddy went through my things all the time.”
Aaron smiled. “Yes, like a diary. This will be part of your therapy, but I won’t read it. No one will read it but you, unless you choose to share it, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I want you to write something in it every day. It doesn’t matter what. Maybe it’s what you had for lunch, or what you saw that was funny, or that you might be sad and missing someone.”
“I will. I promise.”
“Just getting things out of your head and on paper is healing in itself. The more you give away, the less of a burden you have to carry.”
Ellie’s eyes widened. “I love that. That’s going to be the first line in my journal. Wait. I want to write that down right now. May I?”
“Sure, go ahead.” He then watched the reverence with which she opened the book and the intensity of her expression as she wrote on the first page.
He was glad he’d followed his instincts on this. Six months ago he would never have hazarded a guess as to when, if ever, he would be able to integrate Ellie’s alters. The only reason she was at the place she was now was because they were the ones pushing her healing.
Ellie finished writing, closed the journal then held it against her chest. “Is this journal for Wyatt and Ellie, too, or just me?”
“What do you want it to be?”
“Is it selfish to say me?”
“Of course not.”
“Do you want them to keep a journal separate from mine?”
“I don’t think so, do you?”
She was silent for a moment then her eyes began brimming with unshed tears.
“I’m losing them, aren’t I?”
“Yes, if you want to be well.”
“I wish I could lose that crying baby instead of them.” Tears rolled down her cheeks as she looked away. “There’s something else I need to do to get well, and I’m going to need your help.”
“That’s what I’m here for. What can I do?”
“Ask the family lawyer to either call me or come see me.”
“I can do that, but can you tell me why?”
“I’m going to change my last name to Momma’s maiden name. I don’t ever want to write the name Ellie Wayne again. I want to be Ellie Strobel.”
Aaron was impressed. “That’s actually a very good idea. I can certainly get that information from your file and contact him on your behalf. After that, the rest will be up to you.” Then he added. “Can I ask you something?”
Ellie grinned. “Don’t you always?”
“Touché. I’m curious. Have you thought about what you want to do when you leave?”
“Oh yes. I already had plans before Daddy got me pregnant. I still want to follow through.”
“Follow through on what?”
“College. I don’t know for sure what I want to do, but I think something with computers. You don’t have to talk to so many people to do that well. I will figure it out after I’m there.”
“Did you have a school picked out?”
“Yes, but I hadn’t enrolled. Daddy was controlling all that until I turned eighteen. I do know I will never live in that house again. It has nothing but bad memories. I’ll sell it and get a place of my own.”
“I think you can do anything you set your mind to. Anyone who is as focused as you are can do anything they want.”
“Are we through yet?”
He smiled. “We can be. Why?”
“I want to go write in my journal.”
“Then we’re done. I’ll call Charlie.”
“Thank you, Dr. Tyler. Thank you so much for the gif
t.”
“You’re welcome, Ellie. Happy writing.”
Memphis—Late March
Spring had come early to Memphis. The tulip beds on the grounds around the hospital were starting to bloom. Ellie had watched the show from her window, from the first shoots of green leaves cutting through the earth to the thick fat buds. Now they were opening, coloring the bleak landscape in colors of bright reds and yellows. It made her miss seeing Momma’s flower beds come to life after a winter’s sleep. Back home there would be tulips and forsythia and even lilac already blooming around the house. It was strange to be homesick for part of her past and so ready to let go of the rest.
She’d already taken a big step in putting the past behind her. Legally, she was now Ellie Strobel. She’d written it on every page of her pink journal just for the pleasure of seeing it there.
Wyatt had reminded her only this morning that when she got to her new place, she could plant all the flowers she wanted, but Ellie wasn’t so sure. Flowers were a permanent thing, and she still didn’t know where life was going to take her.
But she hadn’t been feeling well and was in no mood to debate with Wyatt. She’d managed to eat breakfast, but a couple of hours later it had come back up. After that, stomach pains were added to the nausea. She’d spent most of the day in bed, even canceling her meeting with Dr. Tyler and opting to miss spending time at Luther’s window.
When they brought her lunch tray, she drank her iced tea and shoved food around on the plate, but was still unable to eat. She’d napped off and on throughout the afternoon while the pain in her stomach got worse.
By late evening, she was sitting up in bed and reading when they brought her dinner tray. “I don’t feel like eating,” she said.
The aide frowned. “You’re never sick,” she said. “As soon as I get these trays delivered, I’ll come back and check your temperature.”
But a small emergency a few minutes later derailed her intent and she went off duty later without remembering to check back in.
Night fell, bringing more pain with it. Ellie was in so much misery now that she could hardly think.
