She closed the album again.
Wrapped up with her nostalgia and guilt was the horrible, rending pain of her parents’ death. “I was just a stupid kid myself back then. I was trying to figure out how to hold my own, and then my parents were dead.”
Shane nodded. “Even without the trauma of that kind of loss, transitioning to adulthood is overwhelming for all of us. The accident took away your support system.”
“And I took away Tori’s. I abandoned a three-year-old orphan.”
He scooted over to her, not in her personal space but close enough he could reach out to touch her shoulder. “Being orphaned at nineteen is probably as traumatic as being orphaned at three.”
Twin tears trickled down her cheeks, and Ani ducked her head. She hadn’t known how to be more than a sister to Tori. She hadn’t known how to be her parent.
After a few seconds, Ani flexed her fingers into fists and relaxed them. “I love my sister.”
“I don’t think anyone doubts that.”
“I did.”
“What changed your mind?”
Ani drummed her fingers on her knee and stared out the room’s window. “Do you know where she is right now?”
“With Brooklyn.”
“Tori was tired. She was going to go to bed early,” Ani said. “I remember that—being exhausted easily. But when Brooklyn called in tears, Tori didn’t hesitate. She didn’t try to comfort her over the phone. She just left. It wasn’t even a question. She knew Brooklyn needed her, and she was there.”
“And that made you realize you love her?”
Ani pressed her tongue hard against the roof of her mouth. These were such difficult words to say. “I think after our parents died, I tried not to love her. I ran away from it. I ran away from her.” Her words began to spill over, coming faster. “I did it again to Jett’s family. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I was a coward. I am a coward. Tori is a kid. After everything she’s been through, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she didn’t have the capacity to care for anyone, but she does. She hides it, but she does.”
Ani wrapped her arms around her knees, swaying. “It’s too much.”
“What’s too much?”
She gestured around the empty room. “This.” She gasped as her lungs seemed to fill with ice-cold water. “Tori is due in eight weeks. I can’t.”
“Whoa. Ani. Just breathe.” He rubbed her back. The light pressure, even the smell he exuded from sweating all day, helped ground her again. “It is a lot.”
“But nothing has changed. I can’t run away. Not this time. But I can’t be that baby’s mother.”
“There are things we need to discuss about this adoption, things maybe you haven’t thought about. But for now, let’s take it one step at a time. How does that sound?”
She was good at steps. When she had a goal, she had always been able to figure out what she needed to get from point A to point B. She nodded.
“Having a baby in your home after such a loss isn’t an easy thing.”
“No.” Ani trembled. “But that’s part of not pushing people away, isn’t it? If I let Jett’s family back in, it means I’ll be around Indy’s baby. This baby is my family. I’m done turning my back on family.”
“Okay, good,” he said. “So if you can’t be her mother, can you be her aunt?”
“I am her aunt.”
Shane hummed his approval. “In the foster system, when a child is taken away or loses their parents, we try to place them with family as often as possible. You’re familiar with this.”
Ani nodded
“So, adopting a child doesn’t mean you want them to call you Momma. It’s not the same as being a mother, or it doesn’t have to be. It’s the paperwork that says you want to be responsible for the baby. That’s all it is.”
Ani rested her cheek on her knees as she turned these words over. Stepping toward a goal—the goal of making sure Tori’s baby was taken care of. She sighed. “If I’m going to be responsible for another life, I need to see someone. A psychologist, I mean.”
“That’s a great first step.” He rubbed her back again. “But if you’re ready to talk about it, there are things you and Tori need to think about if you do want to adopt the baby.”
Chapter 24: The Other Foot
“Is that you, Tori?” Ani called out when Tori walked in the door.
“Do you know someone else who has a key to your house?”
“Will you come in here, please?”
Tori headed into the living room and was surprised to find Shane with Ani.
Déjà vu, much? She felt like she had gotten in trouble at school and was now home to face the firing squad. Out of habit, she racked her brain for what she might have done to upset her parents of the moment. “What the hell is going on?”
Her sister looked nervous, which in turn made Tori’s stomach twist. As if responding to her sudden distress, the baby started kicking the crap out of her bladder. “Ouch. Cut it out,” she muttered, clutching her belly as she sat down.
“Are you okay?” Ani asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I managed to get this far without being physically abused, and this kid is intent on messing up my record. Just tell me what’s going on.”
Ani cleared her throat. “I’ve been talking with Shane, trying to get an idea about what we have to do. You know, after the baby’s born. For me to adopt her.”
The words hung between them. Her eyes darted to Shane. He wore the expression he used when he knew she wasn’t going to like what he had to say. Tori put her hand to her bump, some unknown emotion churning uncomfortably in her gut. “Um. Yeah, okay. It’s about time.”
“Tori. You have to get the father’s permission to give the baby up for adoption.”
Her heart was in the pit of her stomach and up in her throat at the same time. “What are you talking about?”
“The father of the baby has to agree to the adoption.”
Tori shook her head. “No. That’s stupid.”
“It’s not so stupid,” Ani said. “I’m assuming he’s on the same page if he hasn’t been around at all. It’s just a matter of a signature after the baby is born.”
Tori struggled to get up. Ani offered her hand, but Tori waved her off. She dug her fists into the small of her back and began to pace. “What if I don’t know who he is?”
Ani’s eyebrows shot up to her hairline, but Shane merely looked tired. “Come on,” he said. “You know who it is. Are you telling me you haven’t told him yet?”
Tori wrung her hands. “Well, what if I don’t want him to know?”
Shane’s expression grew tight. “It’s time to tell us the truth. Whatever is going on, we can help you, but you have to be honest now.”
“Tori, you can tell us. Whoever it is, whatever happened, you can tell us,” Ani said.
“I don’t want him to know. This is stupid. Don’t they have those laws? What are they called? The safe harbor laws? Are you telling me if I wanted to give birth in an alley and leave the baby in a box at the hospital, I could do that, but if I want my sister to have it, I have to tell you who the father is?”
“It doesn’t work quite like that.” Shane’s voice was so calm, Tori wanted to punch him. “Even if you abandoned the baby under Safe Harbor laws, there would still be an investigation.”
“Yeah, but if I walked into some random hospital and walked away without giving them my name, how far would they get?”
Shane looked like he’d bitten into a moldy lemon and was being made to hold it in his mouth.
“But you don’t want to do that. You said from the beginning that wasn’t what you wanted.” There was an edge of panic to Ani’s voice.
“There has to be a reason you don’t want the father to know about the baby,” Shane said. “If he hurt you, if he threatened you in some way, we can help.”
The lie was poised on her tongue. These things happened. It cou
ld have been a stranger.
But there would be more questions. Shane would want to call the police, and then what?
“Goddammit, son of a bitch.” Tori picked up pillow from the couch and hurled it. “This is not how it’s supposed to go.”
“There are laws,” Shane said. “The father has rights. One way or another, an investigation would be started. Even if you’re not sure who the father is, a judge would order paternity tests for whatever names you give—”
“Jesus Christ. How many people do think I’ve fucked?”
Shane raised his hands in a placating gesture. “I’m not here to judge you, Tori. It’s your body, your choices, and shit happens. We all know that. But we can’t help you unless you let us. What has you scared?”
“I’m not scared. I need to get out of here.” She looked around, trying to figure out where she’d left her purse.
Ani rose to her feet. “Tori—”
“No. Leave me the hell alone.” Tori was close to tears, and the desire to be away from both of them, from anyone, before she broke down was becoming a necessity.
It figured. After spending her life in the middle of one never-ending earthquake, she’d thought the shaking had finally subsided. She was trying to assess the damage and move on to steadier ground, and now this. What was this, an aftershock?
Tori was out the door in seconds. Despite her burgeoning belly, adrenaline gave her the speed she needed. But quick as she was, her sister and Shane followed.
“Where are you going?” Ani asked.
“None of your fucking business.”
She caught Tori by the arm. “If you need some time, I understand.”
Tori tried to yank her arm back, but her sister held fast. “Ani, I swear to God, you better let me go.”
Fear was written on Ani’s face. “Victoria, please. Don’t leave.”
Tori wrested her arm away. She held her sister’s gaze for a few seconds before turning toward the car.
“You shouldn’t drive when you’re upset,” Shane said.
“I need to get out of here.” Tori’s voice twisted in a whine she hated. Anger was quickly fading into desperation. “Look, I’ll be fine, okay? I just need to think. Just fucking let me think.”
They didn’t stop her.
She only made it two blocks away from the house before she had to pull over. Her vision was too blurred with tears. She thought she might puke, but she didn’t even care enough to get her door open. Instead, she sat with her head cradled in her arms on the steering wheel, shaking like a little bitch.
She was so pathetic, but she felt so betrayed. This was not how it was supposed to go.
The only solace she’d had since she found out a little parasite had taken residence in her body was that the baby would have Ani. And maybe it was stupid that she’d trusted Ani from minute one. Maybe she only believed her sister wouldn’t abandon the baby because she had to in order not to go insane.
Shane kept on saying he and Ani could help her. That was such bullshit. They couldn’t help.
If Raphe knew the baby was his, he would never agree to give his daughter up.
Tori wasn’t an idiot. She knew Raphe had been trying to sway her opinion in the parasite’s favor for months. He wanted her to keep the baby. He probably didn’t understand why she couldn’t. The way he talked sometimes, Tori was almost positive he was seconds away from telling her something dumb, like he would help her raise the baby even though he wasn’t her biological father.
Except he was.
It was so stupid, because Tori knew what it would do to him. All the things Ani was trying to hand to her—an education, a guaranteed roof over her head, stability—Raphe struggled for. Yet if he knew the baby was his, he wouldn’t think twice. He would take her no matter what it did to his life.
Then both he and the baby would end up struggling, always behind.
No. It couldn’t happen that way.
Tori banged her fists on the steering wheel and screamed.
Was it so much to ask for just one thing to go the way she wanted?
Fisted hands pummeling the steering wheel, she let go. All her terror and regret poured out. She messed up once and she was paying the price. Her body was hijacked and unrecognizable. Her every choice, from what she ate to how much she slept to who she chose to be around, could affect the innocent life inside her.
For once, she couldn’t hold on to the anger over the injustice of it all. Anger was a shield. Anger was so much easier than acknowledging everything else. Because this hurt, and there was nothing she could do. Exhausted from her fit, she slumped over the steering wheel, whimpering like a little kid who’d cried herself into hysterics.
She needed a home, a shelter from the cold, but there was nothing. She was alone, as always, and no one could help her.
Tori’s brain pounded against her skull when she lifted her head. Her eyesight was bleary. She wiped furiously at the remnants of tears. “Get yourself together,” she said through clenched teeth, but there was no life to her voice.
She’s reached that space where she felt nothing. And nothing did have a tangible feel. It was emptiness with an ache around the edges.
After a few minutes of blind staring, she began to focus again. She was parked facing a busy main street. For a while, she let the cars zipping by and the white noise of traffic zone her out.
Then, from nowhere, one concrete thought went through her mind.
It would be so easy.
One step in front of a truck or maybe a bus, and it would all be over. Problem solved.
The idea was so freeing, it knocked her breathless.
Maybe not a truck. The train tracks were just down the block.
No one would miss her. Ani had conveniently forgotten her existence for years—she could do it again. Shane would get over it—what was another lost, fucked-up kid in a sea of fucked-up kids? Just another stupid person on the fast track to nowhere.
Raphe . . .
A fluttering in her womb snapped Tori out of her head. She put her hand to the swell of her belly and pressed over the spot where the baby kicked. She sniffled and rested her head in her arms on the steering wheel again.
“I know,” she whispered. “I promised.”
Tori jumped when her phone rang. She scrambled to send the call to voicemail and held down the power button. She stared at the black screen until she thought she could move again. She started the car again and pulled out onto the street.
And then she kept on driving.
Chapter 25: Tether
Raphe threw himself down on the couch, his body tense with stress. “The car she has is yours, isn’t it?” he asked, his voice coming out as a bark.
“You mean it’s registered in my name? Yes.” Ani gave him a wary look.
“You could report it stolen.”
Shane and West had already talked Ani out of that the day before, but as Raphe said it, she reconsidered. At this point, three days after her sister had driven off, her hold on sanity had reduced to a loose grip on mere threads. There was no word from Tori, and Ani’s imagination was getting the better of her. This could not be how their story ended, and if she could get Tori back, maybe it wasn’t a bad idea.
Panic wasn’t going to help.
“You know Tori better than I do,” Ani said. “Do you really think it’s a good idea to drag her back in handcuffs? The last thing she needs is a record. She would never forgive me if I did that.”
Raphe’s eyes blazed. “That’s great. That’s just great. She’s got nowhere to go, Ani. What if she’s in trouble? You won’t do what it takes to find her because she’ll hate you forever?” He stood and towered over her. “You think you have a chance now?”
He stormed out before Ani could speak.
Ani’s shoulders slumped, and she rubbed her hands over her eyes. “What have I done?”
Beside her, West sighed. He put his hand to her back. “Don�
�t do this to yourself. I’m not sure I agree with the ‘everything is Ani’s fault’ bandwagon.”
“Tori had her eggs in one basket, in my basket. If I’d been in my right mind, I would have researched what it would take to adopt the baby ages ago. Instead, I spring this on her when she’s seven weeks to term?”
He drew his fingers along the line of her arm until his hand rested over hers, and he twined their fingers together. It distracted her from her misery, if only for a moment.
“Raphe had no right to say that to you.” His tone was gentle but firm.
“He’s scared and angry.”
“Do you know you make a lot of excuses for everyone except yourself?” He raised his free hand to her chin, tilting her head up. “None of this is your fault.”
She wanted to argue, but before she could find the words, her lower lip began to tremble. West wrapped an arm around her as she leaned her forehead against his shoulder. “I just want her to come home,” she whispered. “If something’s happened to her . . .”
“It’s going to be fine. She’s a smart girl. I’m sure we’ll hear from her soon. She’s going to run out of money sooner than later if nothing else. If she doesn’t call by morning, we’ll figure something out.”
If there was one bright spot in the last three days, it had been West. Though she wanted nothing more than to get her sister back home safe, she had to admit it was nice to have someone in her corner, worried about her needs.
It was nice having someone to lean on.
Tori was ten miles away from home, headed back, when it happened.
As she drove, she gnashed her teeth, pissed at herself and the world in general. She didn’t really know what she was going to say to Raphe. Maybe this was the kind of thing that didn’t get forgiven. That idea made her stomach twist. But fuck him if he didn’t get it. He was the type of idiot that would throw his life away on a nice idea. That was what having a baby as young as they were was—a nice idea. He would say there was only one right thing to do, but that was a bunch of bullshit. The foster kids Tori had grown up with were surrounded by people trying to do the right thing. They had parents who thought hitting their kids was bringing them up right, or parents who were in jail because they were trying to earn money on the wrong side of the law.
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