by Dick Cavett
Yes, my temple quota had been reached. And exceeded.
I opt to strike off on my own. I can step into nearby China and enjoy being unrecognized. I get the name of a picturesque small town not too far away and am taxied there, past miles of fairly dreary landscape and endless telephone poles.
I’m enjoying that strong, fun sensation you can exult in when in a foreign country: nobody, at this moment, has any idea where I am. Including me.
(The scene shifts now. Chinese restaurant. Interior.)
Now I’m at a restaurant table trying to find a bite or two of edible substance in a bowl of some kind of alleged salad featuring sharp, broken hunks of chicken bone so undercooked that they exude pure raw blood.
The waitress sees my displeasure. She has no English and I waste upon her, “This isn’t food, it’s attempted homicide.”
Departing through the beaded curtain, I flash back to Saturday afternoon serial days, wondering if, behind me, a dark, pigtailed figure will fling a dirk drawn from the back of his collar across the room, expertly implanting it between my shoulder blades.
As I step outside and look around the alien landscape, the thought that was no doubt unconsciously accumulating bursts into consciousness and hits me between the eyes.
I have let my cabdriver go! I don’t know how we got here. There are dozens of roads. I don’t know where the ship is docked! I don’t know the ship’s name. There may be dozens of piers. And dozens of ships, one with my wife on it. And all of them without me. Oh, God!
(Typing and reliving that moment just caused a noticeable increase in pulse rate.)
Have I been fooling you a little up to this point by seeming, perhaps, to be describing a dream? Alas, dear reader, this was stark reality. This bloody well happened. And, worse, not to someone else.
To have no language available to you is an awful thing.
Japanese is sort of a hobby of mine and I can get around Japan with ease. But there is no Japanese in Chinese. And little English in the part of China I had chosen to strand myself in with a ship leaving.
(Oh, and the cell phone, young people, wasn’t yet ubiquitous at the time of this particular adventure. There were a few so-called mobiles around, but they were more the size of a phone booth than a phone.)
And what kind of brains? Really!
Is this the same person who, as someone surprisingly wrote in an article about me, had “the highest IQ of anyone ever to go through Prescott School in Lincoln, Nebraska”? If true, would that person be dumb enough to get himself hopelessly lost in China? And what else might he be dumb enough to do?
We’ll soon find out.
Desperate for communication, and sweating, I clumsily tried to convey my plight to a couple of (other) cabdrivers—when, suddenly, a glimpse of salvation.
There was Larry King.
Three feet away, on a store window TV screen, was Larry, from the good old U.S.A. I was saved. Larry’s live. I’ll call him somehow and he can tell the Chinese where I am and … The irrational brain paused there, and subsided. Temporarily.
Back to the two drivers. Through a combination of clumsy charades and a crude drawing of a ship, hope glimmered. One man said the Chinese equivalent of “Aha!” (That may be exactly what he said. Is it universal?)
Although hope had glimmered earlier as well, when I pulled from my pocket something that might have the ship’s name on it. Yes, it was ship stationery. But the top, with the printing, was torn off.
The gods were toying with me ruthlessly.
But the one driver seemed confident. Some words had been recognized, it seemed. Maybe “cruise ship.” As I hurtled along in his cab, the telephone poles looked familiar. But then, don’t most telephone poles? I saw no land that supported a body of water.
And I had no idea how much time we had. I’ll forgive you for failing to believe that, on top of everything, my watch had stopped. Not that it mattered. It seemed nothing did. Life was pretty much over.
Honestly. The absurdity of it.
I have—or should it be had?—a lovely cabin on a lovely ship on a lovely vacation and I’ve gotten myself lost in an antique land, without a clue about how to get rescued.
What if the ship’s gone? Where do I go? People recognize me almost anywhere, but not here. I think of the line “My face is my passport.” Now, only my passport is my passport. My face has expired.
Whatever “hoping against hope” can possibly mean, that’s what I was doing. But on what evidence? Maybe the driver had totally misunderstood. More telephone poles. He might be speeding me farther inland. To a Chinese rodeo.
And then, wonder of wonders. Coming down a hill, I can see first the tops of some masts ahead. And then—the ship. About half a mile away. And not moving.
An odd quirk occurs in my half-ruined brain. I now see my thoughts in block letters. In that short, blunt, constipated style that the Hemingway typewriter produced so readily:
“It is a ship. It is a good ship. It is a good ship for it is my ship.” (Sorry, Ernie.)
We pulled into a parking lot as close as possible. About twenty yards from dockside. The ship sounded its whistle.
It began to move.
I hurled all the paper money I had at the driver—possibly a year’s salary for him—and ran for it.
The rational brain said not to do anything foolish. Then the irrational one took the controls:
You were a champion gymnast once. You can leap for that railed deck at the back end (stern?).
Thoughts, thick and fast and jumbled. “If I miss and land in the drink surely somebody will—” What? Take off his (or her) shoes and what? And there isn’t anybody.
I don’t want to overdramatize this heroic feat. The ship was not speeding along. It was lumbering. But there’s no getting around the fact that the correct phrase for what I was dealing with would be, let’s face it, a moving ship. I would have preferred stillness.
Channeling Errol Flynn, I took to the air and landed easily enough, hanging there on the outside of the ship’s rail like a kid hooked by his armpits over a baseball field fence.
I scrambled fully aboard. And here’s the sad part. There was not a single witness. No cheering spectators, no videocam, no applauding and adoring females. Nothing.
Now I was to learn what had happened. My wife, napping, had been awakened by an announcement. “We are leaving in ten minutes. Will passenger Cavett please identify himself.” She assumed I had.
Did they also assume so?
I didn’t blame them for not holding everybody up for one fool.
Yet a friend of mine, not unfamiliar with the law, said, “You should have sued them. Knowingly leaving a prominent passenger, or any passenger, stranded and abandoned? No way.”
Hmm. Is it too late?
Advise.
Finally, what can we learn from this, boys and girls?
Two things: (a) don’t ever, ever get lost in foreign lands, and (b) leap for boats only when it’s wise and sensible.
DECEMBER 14, 2012
Acknowledgments
George Kalogerakis, my editor at The New York Times, for invaluable help rendering my offerings into presentable reading form and, when necessary, for keeping me from going over the top. (And on occasion, too far under it.)
Paul Golob, formidable presence at Henry Holt, for his sharp, sharp eye and his skill in shepherding these columns from the digital world onto the printed page.
Lisa Troland, whom I’m urging to get rich writing “How to Be the World’s Greatest Assistant.”
And, lest I forget, my wife, Martha, whose talents and virtues, listed, would fill the rest of this page. (Even in small print.)
Index
The index that appeared in the print version of this title does not match the pages in your e-book. Please use the search function on your e-reading device to search for terms of interest. For your reference, the terms that appear in the print index are listed below.
ABC
abstinence
<
br /> Acosta, Mercedes de
actorproof shows
Adnopoz, David
advertising
Apple
Ballantine
Godfrey and
Agnew, Spiro
airport security
air travel
Albee, Edward
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
alcoholism
Ali, Lonnie
Ali, Muhammad
Ali, Veronica
Allen, Fred
Allen, Steve
Allen, Woody
Alvarez, Luis
Alvarez, Walter
American Bandstand (TV show)
American Prince (Curtis)
Amis, Kingsley
ancestors
Andrews, Dana
Andrews, Dickie
Animal Crackers (film)
anti-Semitism
anxiety dreams
Apple computer
Aristotle Contemplating the Bust of Homer (Rembrandt)
Armstrong, Louis
Arthur Godfrey (Singer)
Assad, Bashar al–
Astaire, Fred
Astor, Nancy
atom bomb
“Aubade” (Larkin)
Automat
aviation
Bader, Robert
Balanchine, George
Baldwin, Alec
Ballantine Beer
Bancroft, Anne
Barron, James
Barrymore family
“Battle Hymn of the Republic” (Howe)
Baudelaire, Charles
BBC radio
Beans, Charles
Beauty Myth, The (Wolf)
Begley, Ed, Sr.
Belcher, Jovan
Benchley, Robert
Benny, Jack
Berle, Milton
Bible
bin Laden, Osama
Bitter End
Blake, William
Bloomberg, Michael
Bloomingdale, Alfred
Blue Angel, The (film)
Bogart, Humphrey
Book of Mormon, The (musical)
book tours
Borden, Lizzie
boxing
brain
Brando, Marlon
Breed, Robin
Brennan, Walter
Breslow, Marvin
“Bright College Years” (song)
Britten, Barbara
Broadway musicals
Brooks, Mel
Brown University
Bruce, Lenny
Bryan, William Jennings
whitewashing statue of
Buckley, William F., Jr.
Burns, George
Burr, Raymond
Burton, Richard
Buscemi, Steve
Bush, George W.
By George (Kaufman)
Caesar, Sid
Call Me Madam (musical)
Candid Camera (TV show)
car accidents
Caro, Robert
Carsey, John
Carson, Johnny
first hosts Tonight Show
Johnny Winters and
nightclub act
Stan Laurel and
Tonight Show in L.A. and
Carter, Jack
Carter, Jimmy
Cassidy, Hopalong
Catholic Church
Cavett, A. B.
Cavett, Martha Rogers
Cavett (Cavett and Porterfield)
CBS
Cerf, Bennett
Chaplin, Charlie
Chase, David
Cheers (TV show)
Cheever, John
Cheney, Dick
Chesterfield cigarettes
Chianese, Dominic
Chiat, Jay
Chicago Seven
China, lost in
Chiricahua Apache
Christianity
Christie, Chris
Christmas
Chump at Oxford, A (film)
Churchill, Winston
Ciannelli, Eduardo
Clark, Dick
class reunions
Clinton, Hillary
“closure”
CNN
cocaine
Cohn, Sam
Colbert, Stephen
Colbert Report, The
College Humor magazine
college. See also specific institutions
sex and
Columbus, Christopher
Comedy Central
comedy writing
advantages of
for B-level comedians
conception
Congreve, William
Conrad, Joseph
consciousness
contraception
Cooper, James Fenimore
Costas, Bob
Coward, Noël
Crawford, Joan
creationism
Crime and Punishment (Dostoyevsky)
“Cross of Gold” (Bryan)
Crow Indians
Cummings, Robert
Curatola, Vince
Curtis, Tony
Dantine, Helmut
Darrow, Clarence
Darwin, Charles
Davis, Bette
“Dead, The” (Joyce)
De Carlo, Yvonne
Defiant Ones (film)
Democrats
Dennis, Sandy
Detroit Metro Airport
Dick Cavett Show
ABC and
on alcoholism
Ephron on
first network
Nixon and
PBS and
taping first
Dick Cavett Show DVDs
Dickens, Charles
Dietrich, Marlene
Divorce His, Divorce Hers (film)
Donne, John
Downs, Hugh
dreams
Actor’s Dream
anxiety
author vs. viewer of
escape attempts
Exam Dream
madness and
readers on
sleep-protection
driving
drunks and drunkenness
driving and
families and
first experience of
showbiz and
Dyson, Freeman
Ecclesiates
ecology
Edwards, Ralph
EG (Entertainment Gathering)
Einstein, Albert
Eisenhower, Dwight
Eliot, T. S.
Ephron, Nora
equal time requirement
Erin Fleming v. Bank of America
ERPI classroom films
eugenics
“Everyone Says I Love You” (song)
evolution
Faerie Queene, The (Spenser)
Falco, Edie
Fallon, Jimmy
Fatal Vision (McGinniss)
“Father’s Day” (song)
Faulkner, William
Fear Factor (TV show)
Federal Communications Commission (FCC)
Fields, W. C.
Fischer, Bobby
Fisher, Eddie
Fitzgerald, F. Scott
Fleming, Erin
Fonda, Henry
Fonda, Jane
Fourth of July
Frasier (TV show)
Frazier, Joe
freezing rain
Freud, Sigmund
Fried, Ron
Funt, Allen
Furious Love (Kashner and Schoenberger)
Gabin, Jean
Gabor sisters
Gad, Josh
Gandolfini, James
Garbo, Greta
Garson, Greer
Gastineau, Mark
Gaylin, Willard
Genesis
Genghis Khan
Geronimo
Gertner, Jared
Gilbert, Billy
Gilbert and Sullivan
Gilroy, John
Gingrich, New
t
Giuliani, Rudy
Gleason, Jackie
Gloye, Mrs.
Gobel, George
Godfrey, Arthur
God of Carnage (Reza)
Goldwater, Barry
Gormé, Eydie
Graham, Sheilah
Grant, Cary
Greenway, Dave
Griffin, Merv
Groucho Marx and Other Short Stories and Tall Tales (Bader)
Grunwald, Henry
Guinness, Alec
gun lovers
Hair (musical)
Haldeman, H. R.
Halsey, William, Jr. “Bull”
Hamlisch, Marvin
Hammond, Darrell
hangovers
Hardy, Oliver
Harvard University
Hats Off! (film)
Hayden, Steve
Hayworth, Rita
hecklers
Hellman, Lillian
Hemingway, Ernest
Henkle, Roger
Hersey, George
Hitchcock, Alfred
Hitler, Adolf
Hodgman, John
Holmes, Sherlock (character)
homeschooling
“hooking up”
Hooton, E. A.
Hope, Bob
Houdini
Houdini (film)
Howard, Curly
Howard, Trevor
Howe, Julia Ward
Huckleberry Finn (Twain)
Imaginary Friends (Ephron)
impact theory
Imperioli, Michael
Imus, Don
Indians
Ingraham, Laura
Inherit the Wind (Lawrence and Lee)
Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI)
Islamic cultural center
It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (film)
Ivy League
Iwo Jima
Japanese Americans, internment of
Jebreal, Rula
Jerry Lewis Show (ABC)
Jesus
Jews
Joan of Arc
Jobs, Steve
John Birch Society
Johnnie Walker Black Label
Johnson, Lyndon B.
Johnson, Samuel
Jonathan Winters Shows
Jones, Berwyn
Joyce, James
Julia (Hellman)
Karamazov Brothers
Kashner, Sam
Kaufman, Ann
Kaufman, George S.
Keaton, Buster
Keaton, Diane
Keefe, Patrick Radden
Keene, Tom
Keillor, Garrison
Kelley, Peter
Kennedy, John F.
Kennedy, Joseph P.
Kent State shootings
Kerry, John
Kimmel, Jimmy
King, Larry
Kissinger, Henry
Koppel, Ted
Koran burning
Kraft Music Hall (TV show)
Kraft Television Theatre (TV show)
Kramer, Stanley
Ku Klux Klan
Lachman, Mort
LaGuardia Airport
