When she glanced up, no one appeared to be paying her any attention, not even the preacher. She looked behind her, scanning across the back of the gathering. When she reached the spot where the Dawsons stood, her eyes collided with Josiah’s unreadable gaze.
What was going on inside his head? Did he hold her in contempt? How could he not? After lying to him for weeks, she’d then forced him to become part of her deception.
Gasping at the realization that she’d been so focused on her own culpability she hadn’t given a thought to him, shame filled her and she turned away. She couldn’t bear to see accusations burning in his eyes. Or, worse, him silently prodding her to come clean.
Lord, I know what I’m doing is wrong. But I don’t have a choice. Please, forgive me, Lord.
Would He heed her prayer when she wasn’t able to change her ways? At least, not now. But she would.
She just couldn’t do it yet.
Instructing the congregation to turn to another passage, the preacher again read aloud. “‘Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? Or who shall stand in His holy place? He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully. He shall receive the blessing from the Lord, and righteousness from the God of his salvation.’”
Finally, he closed his Bible and led them in singing hymns, but she didn’t join in. The words flowed around her as her mind circled endlessly, allowing her no peace. As soon as the final prayer was spoken, she worked her way to the edge of the gathering while the amens were still echoing.
She didn’t wait for Adela as she normally would, her determination to get away pushing common courtesy to the wayside. And she didn’t slow down to exchange a few words with anyone, fearing that Josiah would use that opportunity to approach her. She didn’t want to hear anything he had to say just now.
Leaving the others behind, she hurried to her wagon. She understood that hiding wouldn’t resolve the issue and that if Josiah was of a mind to speak to her, she couldn’t avoid the confrontation forever. Still, she admitted she’d much rather postpone it.
Even though daily life on the trail didn’t afford many chances for him to catch her for a private word, she spent the next few days feeling as if her insides were tied up in knots. Then it was their turn for guard duty.
He didn’t come around to walk with her to the lookout spot, as he’d done on previous nights. Was he waiting to pounce on her out in the darkness?
As she made her way to the slight rise a short distance from camp, the light from the full moon allowed her to easily pick her way over the uneven ground. Yet she felt the urge to drag her feet.
She could already imagine the bite of Josiah’s words, and she longed to scramble back to the safety of her wagon. But it was past time for her to abandon avoidance tactics and face up to her transgressions.
* * *
Josiah had no sooner taken up his position for guard duty than he heard someone approaching. With the moon temporarily obscured by passing clouds, he couldn’t immediately identify the figure climbing up the hill toward him. But then the clouds drifted away and the moonlight revealed Mattie’s face.
Where did she think she was going?
He waited for her to draw closer before he spoke, and he kept his voice low so it wouldn’t carry beyond them through the still night air. “What are you doing out here?”
Her eyes widened in surprise at his question. “Why wouldn’t I be here? It’s my turn for guard duty.”
“You shouldn’t be doing guard duty. Besides, it isn’t proper for us to be alone together like this.” Though he and Mattie had never discussed it, Josiah hadn’t expected her to continue with the charade when it was just the two of them.
She propped her hands on her hips. “We’ve been doing it for weeks already. To paraphrase one of Mr. Carpenter’s favorite sayings, it’s too late to close the barn door after the horse gets out.”
If Josiah had known she was a woman from the start, they would’ve had this conversation on their very first night at guard duty. To his mind, it was now long overdue. “We shouldn’t compound the error by letting the cow and the sheep escape, too.”
“Huh? What cow and sheep?” She looked around as if expecting to see the Bakers’ milk cow making a break for it.
“What I’m trying to say is just because we did it before, that doesn’t make it any less wrong. And we should remedy the situation now.”
“But there’s no harm in it as long as no one else knows I’m a woman.”
Why was she being so obstinate? He couldn’t imagine she actually wanted to be here, that she enjoyed sitting out in the cold for hours, losing sleep.
“Besides, how would you explain me suddenly skipping guard duty?” she queried.
It was a valid question, and he considered it for a moment before he hit upon the perfect excuse. “Your shoulder. You shouldn’t tax it.”
She wasted no time shooting him down. “Keeping an eye out for trouble and watching over the animals isn’t physically taxing. Other than that one time when we spotted the thieves, night watches have been wholly uneventful. And anyway, that explanation would only work for a short while until my shoulder mended. What then?” She didn’t give him a chance to answer before she rushed on. “No, we’ll just have to continue as before. Someone would be bound to notice, otherwise. I can’t do anything that might arouse suspicion.”
He had to concede her point, and with all his arguments neatly dispatched, he lapsed into silence. What other choice did he have? His promise to keep her secret had tied his hands.
He nodded in acknowledgment to her words.
Turning up her coat collar, she tucked her hands into the pockets and settled in for the duration.
At least she wasn’t hiding under her hat any longer when it was just the two of them.
He studied her face as she looked out across the dark prairie. Moonlight gilded her delicate features, highlighting her cheekbones and making her skin gleam like the finest alabaster, while her eyes remained still pools of mystery beneath the concealing shadow of her lashes. But he knew her biggest secret now.
He’d respected the boy on the brink of manhood, but he was in awe of the resourcefulness and determination of the woman, despite her stubborn refusal to give an inch. Her dogged attitude was no doubt responsible for the way she’d handled everything that was thrown at her over the past few weeks. Even things that should have been impossible. Just thinking about it, his admiration for her went up several notches higher.
She was strong, and not just in a physical sense. He’d met few females with her fortitude. Though he knew from her snippets of conversation that she’d been raised in a home with servants, never by word or deed had she indicated any resentment at her diminished circumstances. She’d made no complaints about the calluses on her hands or the dirt under her fingernails.
But the fact remained that she wasn’t used to this kind of life. “Why would a prosperous man uproot his two daughters and take them on a difficult trek they might not survive?” He spoke his thoughts aloud.
“The same reason others make this journey.” She didn’t look at him as she answered. Instead, she stared off into the distance. “For the promise of a new life.”
“Was there something wrong with the old one?”
“Was there something wrong with yours?” she shot back, turning her head to skewer him with her gaze.
“I worked for someone else back in Tennessee, but out west I can build something of my own. Like most, I hope to find something better than what I left behind. Elias and Rebecca are moving to be closer to her family. Even Hardwick is trying to improve his situation as a second son with neither title nor fortune of his own. But then there’s you and Adela.” Her eyes dropped from his as he shook his head. “Despite your uncle’s affluence, Oregon City
is by no means a bustling metropolis of high society. What’s waiting ahead can’t compare with what you knew in the past.”
He couldn’t deny he was curious about her. She’d always been so close-mouthed about herself—an understandable precaution when she was concerned with keeping her secret. But now that he knew the truth, surely there was no reason for her to hold back. Would she open up to him, trusting him at last?
* * *
Oregon City couldn’t compare to the life she’d left behind? A year ago, that might have proved true. But not any longer.
Admitting as much to Josiah, however, could lead to questions about parts of her past she’d rather not dwell on. She was still embarrassed to admit how close she’d come to marrying a man so undeserving of her affection and respect.
“After my mother died, life in Saint Louis wasn’t the same.” She left it at that and let him draw what conclusions he may from her words.
His jaw worked as his thoughts turned inward. “My life changed, too, after my mother’s passing.” He didn’t offer any other details.
“I guess we have that in common.”
The wind suddenly picked up and gusted around her, cutting through the fabric of her father’s coat. The cold seeped into her injured shoulder and made it ache. A soft gasp slipped past her lips as she shifted in an attempt to find a more comfortable position.
Josiah turned toward her. “What is it?”
If she voiced the truth, she knew he would insist she abandon her post and return to the wagons. She’d refuse, and then they’d spend the next few minutes going over the same ground they’d already covered once.
“I thought I saw something for a minute,” she fabricated.
He scanned the surrounding area. “I don’t see anything.”
“It was probably just a shadow cast by the moon.” Huddling deeper into the coat, she was careful not to make any other telling movements or sounds.
She expected him to bring up the subject she’d been dreading for days. But as the seconds ticked past without him speaking, she realized it wasn’t going to happen, that all her fretting and fussing had been for naught. He hadn’t denounced her for her failings or placed blame.
His actions reminded her of a Bible verse. He that is without sin among you, let him cast a stone.
This wasn’t the first time Josiah’s behavior suggested a steadfast integrity. Though she remained wary of trusting him completely, her heart whispered that he seemed exactly the type of man she hoped to one day marry, after she reached Oregon Country and threw off the bonds of her deception.
Surely, she couldn’t be the first woman to think as much. Why then was Josiah unattached? He looked to be in his midtwenties, an age when most men had already taken a wife. Yet he remained a bachelor. Was that proof he must have a major character flaw tucked away somewhere out of sight? Or was she judging him too harshly?
She similarly doubted every other man she met. So, how could she ever let one close enough for her to feel confident that marriage to him wouldn’t be a mistake? Would her past always stand in the way of her future?
Hours later, when it was time to return to camp, she still hadn’t reached an answer.
“I’ll walk you back.”
“That’s not necessary,” she protested. “After all, I got here on my own.”
He waved his arm for her to go ahead. But if she’d imagined he would so easily acquiesce, she was soon set straight as he fell into step beside her.
She sped up, and he kept pace. She slowed down; he did likewise.
“I doubt I’ll get into trouble walking such a short distance by myself,” she pointed out, hoping to shake him.
But he stuck to her like a burr. “We’re going the same way. It only makes sense to walk together.”
Finally, she gave up. She couldn’t outdistance him, even if running pell-mell through the night wasn’t a foolish thing to do.
Though she’d never admit it to him, she felt safe with his warm, reassuring presence nearby. There was nothing to fear in the shadows when he was around.
The wind blew clouds across the moon, and she stumbled in the sudden darkness.
Josiah was there to catch her, his fingers wrapping securely around hers to keep her upright. “Steady now.”
She regained her footing and shook off his hold. “I didn’t need your help.”
His eyebrows knit together in confusion. “Why are you so quick to take offense at a simple gesture of kindness?”
“Because you didn’t do the same for Matt. When we went hunting, I tripped in a hole, and you didn’t rush to my aid then.” She took off toward the covered wagons again.
He hurried to catch up. “I get it now. You think I’m treating you differently because I know you’re a woman.” He moved in front of her, then turned and walked backward, facing her, and placed his hand over his heart as if making a solemn vow. “I won’t let it happen again. Next time, I’ll let you land flat on your face. But don’t worry—your broken nose should only take a few weeks to heal, and I’m sure it won’t be too crooked or unsightly. It might even make you look more manly.”
Throughout his discourse, her eyebrows arched higher and higher at his nonchalant attitude. Then she caught the gleam of merriment twinkling in his eyes and the suspicious twitching of his lips.
She stuck aforesaid nose in the air, determined to suppress the answering smile trying the stretch the corners of her mouth. “You do that. And watch where you’re going, or you’ll be the one taking a spill.”
“Yes, ma’am—uh, Matt. Sir.” He saluted then executed a smart about-face and moved to walk beside her again.
She could only shake her head at his clowning. But the brief moment of shared humor wouldn’t weaken her resolve to maintain an emotional distance from him. He affected her too strongly already.
When he’d held her hands, it had felt as if there was more than just a physical connection between them, though it had only lasted for the space of a heartbeat before she’d pulled away. Allowing such feelings free rein would bring only misery.
If she gave her heart unwisely for a second time and it was broken once more, she feared it would be impossible to stitch the shattered pieces back together again.
* * *
A week later, the wagon train reached a harrowing river crossing. Mattie stood overlooking the water, which rushed past in a raging torrent that spelled danger for any who ventured too close. Their group had to cross it as soon as they moved out following the noon stop.
Her stomach knotted at the thought of driving her oxen and covered wagon through the swift-moving river, and she needed these moments to shore up her courage. Breathing deeply in an attempt to restore some calm, she turned her eyes away from the churning waters.
All hope for peace of mind was shattered when she encountered two pairs of eyes focused in her direction, displaying expressions of varying unease. Josiah and Elias stood together in conversation a short distance from her, and when they both quickly looked away as soon as they saw her watching, an immediate suspicion sprouted in her mind that she was their topic of discussion.
There was no reason for them to talk about her, however. Other than Josiah divulging her true identity to his brother. And he wouldn’t go back on his word. Would he?
The men were too far away for her to hear their words over the roar of the river, and it would be unfair to convict Josiah on so little evidence. She cautioned herself not to instantly assume the worst. Surely, she’d simply gotten a hold of the wrong end of the stick. After all, given her position near the water’s edge, it was entirely possible they were merely looking past her while considering the potentially hazardous crossing.
Her confidence in that explanation diminished somewhat when the two men parted ways and Elias appeared to be heading straight toward her.
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He came to a halt at her side, his eyes focused on the river. “Our trail guide has judged this the best spot, but even he’s concerned about the higher-than-normal water level. It’ll be tough getting all the wagons safely across. Why don’t I drive yours for you?”
He clearly thought she couldn’t handle it. Was that because he knew she was a woman? There didn’t seem to be any other logical conclusion.
So much for Josiah’s word being worth anything. She’d been correct in her original distrust.
Her jaw clenched in frustrated fury, but she contained her vitriol. “No, thank you.”
Elias shifted to face her, compassion shining in his gaze. “There’s no shame in feeling uneasy about crossing a river that’s overflowing its banks. The most stalwart of men would find it intimidating.” His attention was diverted by the covered wagon rolling past.
Mattie remained silent as they both watched its progress.
The oxen entered the river and strained to pull the heavy load as the current buffeted them on one side, threatening catastrophe. It was a tense few minutes until the team reached the other side.
Elias turned back to Mattie. “You’re certain you won’t change your mind?”
“I can handle it.” Her anger had chased away all traces of fear.
“All right, then. I’d best make certain my team is ready—it’ll be our turn soon.” He tipped his hat to her and moved off in one direction.
She headed in another, toward the area where she could see Josiah occupied tending to his horses. She planned to tell him exactly what she thought of a man who broke his word.
She never should have put her faith in him. Never mind that she hadn’t really had a choice. He’d betrayed her confidence, and she was only deluding herself when she gave him the benefit of the doubt. He clearly hadn’t deserved it.
Again, she had been taken for a fool.
Why did she continue falling for men’s lies?
Chapter Eight
“I’d like a word with you, Josiah.” Mattie’s curt tone conveyed agitation, but her closed expression gave away nothing of her thoughts.
Wed on the Wagon Train Page 9
