It hurt to learn his desire to rid himself of his unwanted wife was so great that he planned to see Mattie gone from his life at the earliest opportunity.
But after all the trouble she’d caused him, was it truly so surprising that he would be glad to see the last of her? Sadly, his attitude was all too understandable. Her heart contracted at the thought.
Perhaps she should have guessed his intent from the start. Should’ve realized he didn’t mean to marry her until death. Not when he’d been compelled into it by a sense of moral obligation rather than any deep affection for her.
Remembering their earlier conversation by the side of the river, she realized that he’d truly meant it when he had told her not to think of him as anything more than a friend.
She thought of her ridiculously starry-eyed dreams of just a few short hours ago—how she’d taken such encouragement in believing the specific placement of a simple kiss held some great significance. Reading entirely too much into mere happenstance.
She had arrived at a false conclusion based on very little real proof, building her future on a foundation as insubstantial as wisps of cloud. Again. She was always too quick in making assumptions and inevitably acted unwisely as a result.
When would she ever learn not to rush headlong into things, galloping ahead at breakneck speed, without first testing the footing for possible quicksand?
Even now, she still believed Josiah was a man she could love, given half a chance. Thus, it was imperative she guard her heart against him. Because he had made it clear he would never come to love her in return.
“I’ll see you all in the morning.” Josiah beat a hasty retreat, no doubt anxious to escape before his sister-in-law had a chance to voice any more opposition.
Rebecca turned to Mattie, dismay plain in her expression, while Elias’s gaze was full of compassion for his brother’s scorned bride. Adela just looked wide-eyed and bewildered.
With her feelings in jumbled confusion, Mattie wasn’t up to further conversation, most especially as it looked to include well-meaning but unwanted platitudes from her new—and very short-term—in-laws. After bidding them a quick good-night, she disappeared into her covered wagon with Adela in tow.
“Are you all right?” the younger girl asked, distress plain on her face.
“I’m fine.”
Adela worried the corner of her lip. “How can you be fine when today was as far from the wedding day of your dreams as it’s possible to get? Never mind that your marriage won’t ever be the love match you’ve prayed for.”
Preferring not to be reminded of things over which she had no control, Mattie ruthlessly pushed such thoughts from her mind. “That’s not important. All that matters is reaching our relatives safely. By whatever means necessary.” She grasped her sister’s hands. “I appreciate your concern, but there’s no need for worry. I promise. Remember what Papa always used to say?”
“Things happen according to God’s plan,” Adela recited. But her eyebrows scrunched together, marring the pale skin above the bridge of her nose. “Do you truly believe that? Even now?”
“Especially now.” Mattie delivered a comforting squeeze to Adela’s fingers. “We need to get to Oregon Country, and He provided the way.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“Of course I am.” Mattie reached up to smooth the creases on Adela’s forehead. “Now, no more fretting.”
“I just want you to be happy.” Adela wrapped her arms around Mattie in a tight hug.
Mattie stroked the younger girl’s silky hair and then pulled back so she could look into her face. “I can’t help but be happy when I have such a sweet and caring sister as you.”
That coaxed a small smile from Adela.
“Come on, it’s time to turn in.”
As Mattie prepared for bed, she could hear Rebecca and Elias in quiet conversation a short distance away. At first, their words were so softly spoken as to be indistinguishable.
But as Rebecca’s emotional state increased, so too did the volume of her voice. “Wedding vows are sacred. Josiah promised to love and honor her, in sickness and health, through good times and strife, as long as they both shall live—”
Elias said something too low for Mattie to catch.
“I didn’t intend to repeat the entire marriage ceremony,” Rebecca answered back. “But your brother promised ‘till death’ in the presence of man and God, and I just don’t understand how he could do that and then speak so causally of breaking that vow. Marriage isn’t something one jumps in and out of willy-nilly. And don’t you shush me, Elias Dawson.” But, despite her command, she heeded her husband’s admonition.
Mattie could make out nothing else that was said after that.
Other sounds drifted to her, indicating the couple was moving around their wagon and getting things stowed away. After a few minutes, she heard the creak of wood as someone climbed onto the tailgate. Then the heavy tread of a man’s steps passed by, and the light from the campfires cast his shadow on the canvas above Mattie’s head.
She surmised that Rebecca had been the one to climb inside their covered wagon.
The other woman had made her opinion plain, but Mattie wondered what Elias thought about his brother’s plans. Had he known all along that Josiah didn’t intend to make a lifetime commitment to Mattie?
* * *
Josiah heard footsteps approaching and opened his eyes to find his brother walking toward him. Pushing into a sitting position, he waited for Elias to sink down next to him on the ground.
The older man sat with one arm hooked around his up-drawn knee, but long minutes passed without him speaking.
“Well?” Josiah finally broke the silence. “Did your wife send you out here?”
“Nope.”
“Then why are you here?”
“I thought you might want to talk.”
“Not particularly.” He dropped back to a horizontal position and closed his eyes.
But Elias didn’t leave. Josiah could feel his gaze resting on him.
Lifting an eyelid, he met his brother’s look. Then heaved a sigh, opened both eyes and sat up again. “What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you can tell me when you decided that your marriage to Mattie was only temporary.”
“That was the plan all along.”
“Really? You never mentioned it to me. And Mattie seemed caught off guard by your announcement.”
“Did she?” He thought back over the scene, trying to remember her expression. But he couldn’t. He’d been focused on Rebecca at the time and hadn’t glanced in Mattie’s direction.
“Yes, she did,” Elias confirmed.
Struggling to recall exactly what he’d said to Mattie earlier while standing on the bank of the river, Josiah again drew a blank. “Maybe I didn’t say it in so many words. But she knew marriage was at Miles’s behest. I assumed she realized this union was simply to meet his terms, and then only for as long as it was necessary.”
Would she have reacted differently if he’d made his intention clear? If she’d understood she wasn’t required to bind herself to him permanently, would her resistance have instantly vanished? Might she have accepted without argument or delay and thus saved him from witnessing her hesitation, which had ripped open old wounds? There was no way to know. He couldn’t go back and do things over again.
“Well, don’t worry. You’ve certainly made yourself clear now. No one’s in any doubt.”
“That’s all to the good.”
A slight frown tugged down the corners of Elias’s mouth. “So, you’re not willing to give this marriage a chance?”
He shook his head and scrubbed a hand over his face. “To what end? This marriage wasn’t of our choosing. Neither Mattie nor I want a true union.”
“I didn’t have to.” Her opinion was all too apparent in her reluctance to wed him. “You weren’t there, but trust me. It wasn’t necessary for her to say the words to my face. She made it plain she doesn’t want me for a husband.”
And he didn’t require further proof that he wasn’t the type of man women wished to marry. Didn’t care to be reminded that he could never measure up. His hand curled into a fist against his thigh.
It was a good thing his heart was walled off, or Mattie’s protracted hesitation would have cut even deeper into something of much more importance than his pride.
He turned his attention back to his brother. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have to be up early in the morning, and I’d like to get some sleep before then.”
“Maybe some sleep will improve your disposition.” Elias stood and moved away.
“There’s nothing wrong with my disposition,” he called after his brother.
Elias didn’t look back or comment. He just kept walking, leaving Josiah alone again.
Grumbling to himself over interfering siblings, Josiah reminded himself it was best that the marriage was only temporary. That they didn’t have expectations of love growing between them. That would never happen. And the last thing he wanted to do was cause Mattie pain.
But judging by her actions, there was little chance of that. Little chance that she’d weave fairy tales around him. Or that she might start hoping for more than he could give.
That last thought should have taken a weight off his mind. Should have made him feel less constricted.
So, why didn’t it?
* * *
Lying in the quiet of the early morning hours, Mattie watched the inside of the wagon gradually lighten as dawn neared. This was the only time when she could just be still. When she didn’t have to be constantly on the move, either walking along the trail or performing a myriad of tasks at the beginning and end of each day.
The tranquility didn’t last long, however. Over the sound of Adela’s soft snoring, Mattie could hear people moving around outside the covered wagon, signaling that it was time to get up and start the day. As soon as the morning meal was over, everything would be packed back into the wagons, the teams hitched up, and they’d get under way.
The same as any other day on the trail, despite the extraordinary events of yesterday. So, there was no point in dwelling on them.
Mattie tossed back the covers and collected her clothes, then changed out of her nightgown. She felt hobbled by her full skirt after weeks spent wearing men’s trousers and figured it would take some time to become accustomed to dresses again. Running a brush through the short strands of her hair, she was done in seconds. Though she missed her long locks, their absence made quick work of her morning routine.
Donning a bonnet, she bent over her sister and gave her a gentle nudge. “Wake up, Adela. It’s time to get up.”
The younger girl rolled over onto her back, then sat up and hid a yawn behind her hand. “I’m up.”
Satisfied that Adela wouldn’t fall asleep again, Mattie lifted the canvas flap and ducked outside. A pearly-gray sky greeted her, showing hints of orange and pink on the eastern horizon. She breathed in the fresh air and caught a hint of wood smoke.
Climbing to the ground, she rounded the end of the wagon and found Rebecca stirring coals from the previous night’s fire. “Good morning.”
Rebecca returned her greeting, then continued, “If you want to make the coffee, I’ll get breakfast started. There’s no sense tending two campfires and cooking separate meals now we’re family.”
Mattie chose not to dispute the other woman’s claim even though they were family only in the strictest sense of the word.
Moving to start on the task of brewing coffee as Rebecca had requested, they worked side by side in silence. Whatever her new sister-in-law’s thoughts on the state of Mattie’s marriage—and she had a good idea from the conversation she’d overheard last night—Rebecca chose to hold her peace.
For which Mattie could only be thankful. It wasn’t that she disagreed with the other woman’s viewpoint, but no more would she allow foolish emotion to guide her actions. Each time she heeded her heart over her head, it led her astray. From here on out, that was at an end.
Adela appeared shortly thereafter and asked what she could do to help. Once given instructions, she quickly got to work assisting in the meal preparation.
Sarah Jane came bounding over, with her mother following behind at a slower pace. Edith Baker exchanged a few pleasantries with the three women before reminding her daughter she could only stay until breakfast was ready, and then needed to rejoin her family to eat.
“Be sure to mind Miss Adela and Miss Rebecca. And Miss Mattie, too,” she added belatedly, not yet used to including her in the group.
“Yes, Mama,” the little girl replied obediently.
With a smile and a wave, Edith left them to return to her own campfire.
Soon bacon and potatoes sizzled in a skillet, while the rich aroma of coffee filled the air. Josiah and Elias appeared, no doubt drawn by the smell. Mattie poured two cups of coffee and handed one to each man.
Josiah smiled his thanks and leaned against the wagon wheel, his elbow propped on the rim. The dawn light illuminated his beard-stubbled face, and a slight breeze lifted strands of his red-gold hair.
She didn’t know what to say to him, so she remained silent and let the others carry the conversation. Although there’d been many times when “Matt” had opted not to speak, she’d never been at such a loss for words before. What was different about today that she suddenly couldn’t string together two syllables? It couldn’t be the marriage, since it hadn’t changed anything between them. At least, it wasn’t supposed to have changed anything.
Still, she couldn’t deny that a distinct shift had taken place. She didn’t feel like the same person she’d been before yesterday. She wasn’t “Matt” anymore. Or even simply Mattie. She was Matilda Dawson. A wife, however temporarily.
But she had no idea how to act like one. Especially as Josiah clearly didn’t expect the normal wifely gestures. Didn’t want them. Yet their arrangement meant that he’d eat food she helped cook, wear clothes she washed and mended. Rebecca had taken care of those things for him up till now, but that was when he was a bachelor. It wasn’t fair to leave the burden on her when Mattie was perfectly capable of doing the tasks. Would Josiah think she was overstepping?
The only thing that was certain was she shouldn’t read anything into his silence. As she’d already discovered, it wasn’t always indicative of his inner feelings.
The morning meal was consumed quickly, in deference to Miles’s desire to make up for time lost the previous day.
Once Mattie finished eating, she turned to her sister. “Will you help Rebecca with the cleanup while I go take care of the oxen?”
Adela nodded her agreement and accepted the dirty plate Mattie handed her. Standing up, Mattie moved around the campfire in the direction of the livestock.
Josiah stopped her with a hand on her wrist. “I can hitch the oxen up to your wagon for you.” Forking up one last bite of food, he washed it down with a swig of coffee.
Her skin tingled where his fingers had briefly made contact, and she rubbed the spot in an attempt to erase the peculiar sensation. “That’s not necessary. I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself.”
“You’ll get no argument from me on that point, but the whole purpose of yesterday was so you wouldn’t have to take on everything by yourself anymore.”
It was a tempting thought...and a dangerous one. She couldn’t allow herself to become reliant on him, knowing that he would leave her behind in a few months’ time when they reached
Oregon Country. Growing accustomed to Josiah’s help and support would be a hard habit to break, if she was foolish enough to let it form.
“I appreciate the offer, but—”
“You’re not going to accept it,” he finished for her, appearing unsurprised by her refusal. Almost as if he’d been expecting it, but had felt duty-bound to extend the offer anyway.
She nodded in acknowledgment of his words. “I’ve gotten used to the daily routine. There’s no call to go changing it now. Besides, I don’t want to take you away from your horses.” He had a regimented training schedule that she hated to disrupt.
“Miles will give the order to move out soon, so I’d best see to my oxen, as well,” Elias remarked.
Before heading away from the campfire, he paused to give his wife a lingering kiss goodbye. His behavior was sweetly sentimental, as he wasn’t going very far and would be back by Rebecca’s side in a matter of mere minutes.
Clearly, he was of the opinion that a man didn’t need a reason to shower his wife with loving gestures. And Rebecca appeared to agree wholeheartedly. They shared a tender look filled with caring and deep affection.
Mattie felt as if she was intruding on a private moment simply by witnessing it, and she turned away. Her gaze landed on Josiah’s back, already several yards away and rapidly widening the distance between them. But it wasn’t as though he had any cause to wait for her.
The contrasts between the other married couple and Mattie and Josiah were marked. That was only to be expected, however, given the dissimilarities in their relationships. Elias and Rebecca loved each other, and it showed in their every action when they were together.
Though Mattie desired a marriage like that for herself, one of shared looks and warm embraces, she didn’t fool herself that she would find it with Josiah.
For a brief time—the space of a few hours—she had deluded herself otherwise, but he’d quickly set her straight.
Wed on the Wagon Train Page 13
