When he remembered his efforts to discourage Mattie in weeks past...he could kick himself. They had worked all too well. If she had ever felt anything for him, she certainly didn’t any longer.
He would be forced to let her go, allowing her to find happiness with someone else—a repeat of his past. Only it would hurt so much more this time because his feelings for Mattie were deeper, stronger than any he had felt for the woman back in Tennessee.
* * *
The covered wagon that had broken loose ended up smashed beyond repair against the rocks at the bottom of the ravine. Though one family had to abandon a good many of their possessions as a result, no one had been injured.
But Mattie was still shaken by the close call.
One good thing had come out of it, however. Elias had examined Emma to ensure she wasn’t suffering any ill effects. Unfortunately, his involvement with her didn’t extend past that. Still, it was progress.
Mattie could finally see a glimmer of hope on the horizon that things would get better. Elias had taken the first step toward building a bond with his daughter. He cared enough to worry over her well-being. By the grace of God, he would one day be healed and whole again, acting as a true father to her. Hopefully, before she was old enough to be conscious of his neglect and hurt by it.
A short time later, Josiah appeared. “I wanted to check on you two.” Moving to the makeshift bassinet sitting on the tailgate of Mattie’s covered wagon, he leaned down and stroked a gentle finger across Emma’s cheek.
Mattie’s thoughts traveled back to the early hours of the morning, a few days past, when he had appeared and joined her by the campfire. How he’d rocked his niece while Mattie readied a bottle. And the way the sight of the tiny baby nestled in his arms had stirred her emotions. Though tentative in handling Emma, his love for her was never in doubt.
His uncertainty had further endeared him to Mattie. She could easily imagine him showing the same tender regard to his own children someday. Cherishing them as welcome blessings from the Lord.
But she quickly blanked the mental picture. If he ever had any little red-haired sons or daughters, they wouldn’t be hers. She and Josiah would never have children together.
Still, she prayed that God gifted him with a second chance at love. She didn’t want him to be alone, forever mired in sadness and regrets. Though he yet cared for a woman who didn’t return his feelings, Mattie hoped he might one day meet another who could reach his heart.
No other woman could possibly love him more than Mattie did, but, God willing, Josiah would find one who loved him just as much.
He straightened and turned toward her. “Emma seems none the worse for her misadventure. How are you doing?”
She had to bite her tongue to keep from begging him to hold her. She desperately wanted to feel the comfort of his strong embrace. To press close to him, her head against his chest, allowing the steady beat of his heart to calm her.
But any hug she received from him would be bittersweet with the knowledge that he didn’t feel anything more toward her than friendship. Though he might pull her near for a few seconds, the gesture would never mean all the things she wished it did.
She moved away from him slightly, resisting the temptation to throw herself into his arms and sob her heart out. “We’re both fine.”
“Your quick actions in moving out of the wagon’s path probably saved your life and Emma’s. You protected her, as you have since the day she was born.”
She glanced at the sleeping baby nestled in the blanket-padded crate. “She’s too precious for me to willingly let anything bad happen to her.”
Returning her gaze to Josiah, she found that he wasn’t watching Emma, but had focused an intense scrutiny on Mattie, instead. He studied her in silence for long moments, and she shifted nervously under his piercing regard. What exactly was he searching for?
Finally, he seemed to reach some sort of determination. “I was thinking that maybe we should reconsider our plans for an annulment.”
Her breath stalled in her lungs, and the world seemed suddenly brighter. Until she remembered that his words weren’t prompted by love—at least, not love for her. How could she have forgotten that for even an instant? The air gusted out of her body, leaving her feeling light-headed.
Still, her brain had enough function left to work out a logical explanation for his abrupt about-face. “Because you need me to continue caring for Emma.”
He hesitated for a moment before opening his mouth, then closed it again without speaking, and merely nodded his head.
For the space of a single heartbeat, she contemplated accepting his proposal to continue their practical marriage of convenience. She’d give just about anything, if it meant she could keep him as her husband. But such an arrangement would kill her by inches, a little piece of her dying each day she shared with him, loving him but never loved in return.
If only there was a chance he could learn to care for her, a ray of hope that she could hold on to—No, she couldn’t think like that. She had to stop torturing herself with impossible dreams of what might have been, if only things were different. No matter how much she wished it, those foolish dreams were never going to come true.
A clean break was best; one quick cut preferable to a thousand tiny pricks, which would leave her heart bleeding endlessly. Though it would hurt unbearably when they parted, the gaping wound would eventually scab over.
“I can’t stay married to you. I’m sorry.”
Chapter Eighteen
While working with his horses that evening, Josiah berated himself for bringing up the subject of their marriage. Had he really imagined that Mattie might want to remain his wife? That she would want him? That she would willingly choose the hard lot of a rancher’s wife over a life of leisure in her uncle’s house?
It seemed he was destined to love a woman who could never be his.
Hearing movement to his left, he glanced up in time to see the object of his thoughts heading off into the forest alone and without her rifle. Where did she think she was going? It was unwise to wander too far from the circle of covered wagons without a weapon for protection.
All Mattie carried in her hands was her Bible. Though Josiah didn’t discount the power of the word of God, it was no match for the dangerous predators who called this area home.
Pulling his rifle from the saddle scabbard, he abandoned his horses without a backward glance and followed after Mattie. He didn’t mean to disturb her, but he would ensure she didn’t come to any harm.
When she reached a small, grassy meadow, he hung back inside the tree line and watched. Sitting down on the ground, she tucked her skirts around her legs and opened the Bible.
Josiah glanced around the clearing, on the lookout for any possible dangers. For the time being, all appeared peaceful. Birdsong echoed through the trees, and he could hear the gurgle of water trickling over rocks in a nearby stream.
He returned his gaze to Mattie. She was looking down at her Bible. She didn’t seem to be focusing on the words but rather on something dark that rested against the white page. He couldn’t quite make out what it was, and he squinted to get a clearer view.
His eyes widened as he realized it was the bundle of leaves he’d given her as a frame for the horse carving. The leaves were brown and dried now, but she had kept them. Why?
She picked up the bundle, but the brittle leaves couldn’t withstand even her gentle handling, and they crumbled into pieces that were blown away by the wind.
Putting her hands over her face, Mattie’s shoulders began to shake. And he realized she was crying. Surely, it couldn’t be over the destruction of a few little leaves. Could it?
His heart contracting at the sight of her sorrow, he took a step forward. A twig snapped beneath his boot heel.
Mattie jumped at the sound and turned he
r head in his direction. She quickly wiped the tears away as he approached. “What are you doing here?”
Ignoring her question, he sank down at her side and asked one of his own. “Why did you keep them?” It seemed like the sort of memento a woman would only care about if it came...from the man she loved. Could that possibly be true? Was there a chance he could get back what he had carelessly thrown away?
She sniffled several times, though she did her best to suppress them. “Because it was part of the gift you gave me. But it was a foolishly sentimental thing to do. It was just a bunch of dead leaves.”
Then why had she been crying over them?
He took her hand in his. “I don’t think it’s foolish to be sentimental.”
What was foolish was him staying silent about his feelings for her out of fear that he’d be hurt.
But all his life, he’d shied away from opening himself up to others because doing so would give them the power to wound him. He’d believed it better not to get too close to anyone and thus never risk the possibility that they might reject his feelings.
Even with Georgiana, he’d maintained a certain distance. Now he wondered if that might be the reason she’d preferred William over him.
Perhaps his problem was never that he wasn’t good enough to be loved, as he’d always feared, but that he closed himself off too much to allow love to reach him.
Offering his whole heart carried risk, and he’d been hurt already when Mattie had shot down his attempt to renegotiate the terms of their agreement.
She hadn’t rejected his love, however. Because he had never offered it to her.
He’d been a coward, taking the out she’d given him. Allowing her to believe the baby was the only reason he had suggested she remain his wife, instead of putting his heart on the line by admitting that he wanted Mattie for himself, not just as a nursemaid for his niece.
He looked at her beloved face. At her delicate features that could firm into such determined lines when her stubborn streak came to the fore. And her beautiful eyes that gave him glimpses into her thoughts while still keeping so much of her inner feelings a mystery. He noted how her hair had grown out a bit over the past months and now peeked below the edge of her bonnet, the silky strands curling against her neck.
All she’d gone through—the unexpected twists and turns life had thrown at her one right after the next—hadn’t defeated her.
And it was her indomitable spirit that he loved most about this woman.
Lord, give me the courage to say what’s in my heart.
Josiah wanted to be Mattie’s protector, her partner. Her devoted husband. For the rest of their lives. If she would let him.
Looking deep into her gaze, he pulled down the final stones from the crumbling wall guarding his heart. “I love you, Mattie Dawson.”
She tugged her hand from his grasp and shook her head. “You can’t possibly. You told me yourself that you love someone else.”
It wasn’t the reaction he’d hoped for. But neither was it the rejection he had feared. Instead, it gave him insight into how she must have felt when he’d referred to his love for Georgiana.
So many mistakes he’d made. Would he be able to right them?
He shifted his glance to the surrounding landscape, mentally searching for the words to explain his actions in a way that she would understand and accept, so that he might yet have some small chance of creating a life with her.
He found no clues in the brightly colored autumn leaves on the trees or the mountain peaks rising majestically in the distance. Nor the flock of birds flying across the vast cloudless sky. Even the wind whispering through the tall grasses refused to give him any answers.
Bringing his gaze back in line with Mattie’s, he snatched his hat from his head. His fingers shuffled along the brim, turning it round and round in his hands. “I thought I was in love before—but I was wrong. What I felt for her was merely an infatuation that I built up in my mind as something more.”
Doubt shone in her eyes. “Why would you do that?”
He scarcely noticed his fingers as they flexed, crushing his hat brim. “To keep myself from falling in love with anyone else, as a way to protect my heart from another disappointment.”
He’d used his supposed feelings for Georgiana as a talisman to ward off future heartache.
But it hadn’t worked. His emotions toward Mattie had overridden the dictates of his brain.
Laying his hand atop hers where it rested on her lap, he refused to let her pull away again. “I want to stay married to you, Mattie. To live with you as my wife. For no other reason than because I love you.”
When she remained silent, he feared she didn’t believe his words. Or perhaps she did, but his love wasn’t enough to satisfy her.
Most women didn’t want to be isolated on a remote ranch like the one he planned to build, far from town and neighbors. Mattie was likely of the same mind. And after months on the trail, she was undoubtedly tired of backbreaking work and endless chores, and didn’t desire more of the same as the wife of a rancher.
“We don’t have to live on a ranch,” he promised. Anything to sway her to consider the possibility of staying with him. “We can live in town, instead. I’m sure I could find a job, buy a fancy house. Dress in hand-tailored suits,” he added with a slight smile.
It wasn’t a future he had ever pictured for himself. But, to please Mattie, he would make himself over into a dandy if that was what it took.
Her eyebrows knit together over the bridge of her nose. “But the ranch is your dream. And though you can keep a few horses in town, you wouldn’t be able to accomplish all the things you’ve planned.” She cocked her head to the side, her gaze intent on him. “You would forfeit everything you’d envisioned?”
He didn’t hesitate for even an instant before answering. “I’ll do that and more, if living in town is what you want.”
She shook her head. “I don’t want to live with you in town.”
His heart sinking, he turned his face away. He’d offered all he had to give, and still he couldn’t measure up. What he could provide simply wasn’t enough. Would never be enough.
Clearly, she wanted a husband who had a pedigree to rival those back in Saint Louis. And Josiah’s was sadly lacking.
He had to accept that her vision of the future didn’t include him.
* * *
Realizing that Josiah had misunderstood her meaning, Mattie lifted her hand and placed it along his jaw. She turned his face back toward her and stoked her thumb over his cheek, enjoying the texture of the bristles covering his skin.
At first, she had mistakenly believed that his words of love were simply an attempt to manipulate her for his own ends. To get her to agree to stay married so that he wouldn’t be left caring for the baby on his own. She’d received false declarations before, from a man who had been angling to gain her favor, and she’d been determined that she wouldn’t be taken in again.
But that wasn’t what Josiah was doing.
The moment he’d told her he would give up his dream in order to keep her as his wife, she had known he spoke the truth when he said he loved her.
He wouldn’t make such an offer merely to gain a temporary caretaker for his brother’s child. Eventually, Elias would move past his grief and take over the raising of his daughter. When that time came, Josiah wouldn’t want to run the risk of being trapped in town with a job he didn’t like and a wife he didn’t need or desire.
Thus, there was only one logical explanation for his willingness to make such a sacrifice. He did love Mattie, just as he claimed.
Tears of joy welled in her eyes, and she blinked to keep them from falling. “I want to help you build your ranch.” Help him make his dream a reality.
His mouth dropped open, and she smiled at the look
of stunned surprise in his gaze.
He reached up and snagged her hand, pulling it away from his face. “I don’t understand.”
Weaving her fingers between his, she rested their joined hands against her knee. “I don’t need a fancy house, or a man in hand-tailored suits. I just need you, Josiah. I love you.”
Uncertainty lingered in his eyes. “But you’ve been so distant recently.”
“I was trying to protect myself. I’d realized I love you, but believed you would never feel the same way about me.” To suddenly find that wasn’t true after all seemed the greatest gift God could ever bless her with. It was enough to renew her faith that all things were possible with the Lord.
An effervescent happiness swelled inside her, and she felt as if it would burst free. The joy that filled her heart was too great for any body to contain.
“If that’s true, why did you wait so long after I admitted my feelings before you said anything in return?” His expression held equal parts hope and fear that he’d be disappointed.
“It was only a few minutes,” she argued, although she did feel guilty she’d left him to suffer in agony for even that short amount of time.
She well knew the pain of hopes unrealized and how difficult it was to take a risk again. To hold on to the optimism that this once, unlike all the others before, it might turn out differently.
And now, at last, it had. For both her and Josiah.
The corner of his mouth hitched up in a lopsided smile. “It seemed like an eternity to me.”
“I’m sorry.” Her gaze dropped to her lap. “I thought you were only telling me what I wanted to hear in order to get me to agree to continue looking after Emma.”
His grip on her fingers tightened, transmitting his tension to her. “How could you think I would lie to you?”
Her heart ached that she’d wounded him with her groundless suspicions. “My ex-fiancé’s duplicity left me looking for ulterior motives in all men’s actions,” she tried to explain. “Though you were steadfast and unwavering, it still took me a long while to believe I could trust you. To believe that you were the man you seemed, a man of honor and integrity. The kind of man who would stand beside me through all life’s trials.”
Wed on the Wagon Train Page 22
