As I stand, Carrie makes her way to me and tells me, “Don’t fret, he’s fine sista. It’s just work stuff.”
“Oh, why, what’s going on?” Unable to hide my desire to find out what’s eating at Ryan I practically jump at her.
She doesn’t answer, but looks over my shoulder and squeals out, “Daddy, there you are. Come meet, Kirk.”
Mr. Chambers meets Kirk and strikes up a conversation, never breaking to say hello to me. Ryan comes back into the room and I walk over to him immediately. Desperate to take the worry I see etched on his face away, I ask him, “Can we go talk?”
“It’s fine, Mik.” He side-steps me and crosses the room to say ‘hi’ to his dad with a firm handshake.
I take this as my chance to greet him too. “Hi, Mr. Chambers. Good to see you again.”
He doesn’t even respond to me, but just licks his lips and nods his head. Feeling defeated, I leave to get my appetizer out of the oven. I’m relieved that the kitchen is empty when I enter. Everything about being here is making me on edge. Clearly, Ryan is upset about something that he’s only sharing with Carrie, and his parents have not lost their edge about our relationship. I wish Ryan would just tell me what’s eating at him, and more than anything I wish that his parents would accept us as a couple.
It’s unsettling to feel out of place or as if I don’t belong. It brings me back years and hundreds of miles away to a place I’ve worked so hard to forget and move past. Reminding me of some of my darkest times, alone and unaccepted. I’m determined though to make this work for the love of my husband. I can’t let me be the reason for a riff between Ryan and his parents.
I pull out the dip and set up the crostini’s on a tray I see sitting out. Walking back into the living room I take a deep breath and decide I’ll just keep to myself, become a wallflower. I’ve done this before. I just need to get through this, then Ryan and I can talk when we’re alone.
Setting the tray on a table in the middle of the room, I glance up to see Mrs. Chambers walking in to stand next to her husband. Her face looks smooth and eyes wide, I’m sure there have been some surgeries to keep her youthful look. “Mikaela, dear, you look to be doing fine since the accident, yes?”
Ryan’s arm comes around my shoulders and he gently pulls me into him. Wishing I had my wine in my hand, I search the room for it. Before I can answer, Ryan’s dad speaks up. “What an ordeal that must have been for Ryan.”
Carrie’s eyes widen as she interjects. “Dad, she was hurt. Ryan was fine.” Already I can tell this conversation is going to go from zero to ten. If I was feeling uneasy earlier, I was now feeling even more uncomfortable and nervous. I have been talked about as if I wasn’t in a room numerous times before and it’s never pleasant. It makes me feel small, weak and voiceless.
Ryan mumbles under his breath, “for Christ’s sake.” I can feel the energy in Ryan changing while in his grasp.
Trying to divert any extra tension, I whisper to Ryan, “It’s not a big deal. Just ignore it, okay?” He looks down at me and when our eyes lock I see his face soften some.
I do what I do best and clam up, reminding me of my eighteen-year-old self. Poor Kirk looks confused and lost by the whole conversation, so I give him a knowing look.
“Well, dinner will be ready soon. Now what’s this we have here, Mikaela?” Mrs. Chambers calls to me.
Hesitantly, I tell her, “Oh, it’s a cauliflower and white cheddar dip. I made¾” She laughs so awkwardly that I don’t even finish.
My cheeks flush and I lick my lips. “Don’t you know, dear, Ryan hates cauliflower. There’s just so much you two don’t know about each other,” she boasts as Ryan is already releasing his arm from around me. His jaw clenches and arms tightened, defining his triceps.
“That’s enough!” he yells, causing an echo in the room. Even I cringe at how loud and demanding his voice bellows.
“Ry!” Carrie jumps from her seat to intervene as Ryan is walking over to the table with my dip on it.
“I hated cauliflower when I was ten, TEN!” He grabs one of the crostini’s and recklessly dunks it into the dip, some spilling over onto the tray. Then as he takes a messy bite, he continues on. “Now I fucking love it.”
I don’t speak; I just watch in horror, my breaths coming in fast and heavy. Carrie and I look to each other, not knowing what to do. I’ve never seen Ryan like this and don’t know what will help.
“Ryan, language,” Mrs. Chambers replies with another unsettling laugh. “I was only¾”
“You were insulting my wife. That’s exactly what you were doing.” He drops the half-bitten crostini onto the tray, wipes his mouth with a small cocktail napkin and then turns to me. “Let’s go, we are not sticking around to be insulted anymore.” His direct and authoritative tone shocks me. I’ve heard him like this at work, but never with his family. He’s sticking up for me and, God, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel reassured, comforted and protected, but I hate that I’m the center of the fight.
I look up at his dark brown eyes, my own wide with worry and whisper, “No Ry, it’s, please, let’s just try …” My words get caught in my throat and I realize I don’t know how to fix this. How could I? My own family doesn’t try to work things out. I have no experience in fixing problems.
Mr. Chambers steps in Ryan’s direction. “Watch how you talk to your mother.”
Ryan grabs my hand a little harder than normal and pulls me with him toward the foyer. The sound of heels clicking follows us, echoing again and I try to slow Ryan down, but he’s determined to leave.
“Ryan!” Both of his parents call out at the same time.
He stops in his pace and snaps around to look at them, red covering his cheeks, his eyes wild with anger and veins, I’ve never seen, bulging in his neck. “No, this is the last time you will see us if you don’t change. Think about that.” He turns around again, moving us to the door. Everything is happening so fast and I barely have a chance to catch my breath. Surely, this isn’t happening, but it is and it’s not over yet.
“You’re being silly, Ryan.” Mrs. Chambers voice quivers from behind us. “We’re all trying to adjust. She’s just not used to us.”
This time Ryan releases my hand and steps in their direction. I gasp out loud and try to grab onto his hand to hold him back. “Silly? No silly is how rude you’ve been to my WIFE. My wife. I married her. And if you think for one minute I won’t cut you out of my life, you’re wrong. And the only one that has been trying to adjust here is Mikaela.” We all stare at Ryan in silence for a second, me looking in awe, unable to process how strong his words are. It’s a quick fleeting thought, but I know right then that I need to tell him everything. This man loves me and is putting me first, no matter what. My heart swells and my mind becomes dizzy. First, I need to help Ryan get out of here before irreparable damage is done and then I can help him get whatever is upsetting him off his chest.
Mrs. Chambers steps back in shock and then Mr. Chambers says, “Ryan, please. Just stop this.”
It’s too late though because Ryan has already latched onto my hand and has us moving out the front door. He’s walking so fast, I’m afraid he’s going to start sprinting, all the while dragging me behind. My feet stumble for a minute and he barely notices.
“Ry, please. I’m going to trip.” The front door is open with his parents and Carrie staring off at us. He slows his pace down but doesn’t stop until we get to the car. Swiftly he opens my door, makes sure I’m in and then races to his side to get in. Before I know it, we are squealing out of the long driveway and on to the highway.
TOO AFRAID TO START A conversation with Ryan on the way home, I sit stiff and quiet. It’s a familiar position for me. I’ve been this way many times, but now … Now I don’t want to be this way. Especially not with Ryan.
Just as we pull into our carport, I figure out a way to get through to him. I open my door before he can get to my side and meet him at the back of the car. His face looks tormen
ted and my heart begins to thud in my ears. Anxiety begins to consume me as I think of all the things I want to say and ask. Today I’ve started to see the effects my silence has had on us as a couple and I realize that if we continue down this path it could turn into more than just Ryan blowing up over cauliflower. My ability to keep my past to myself has distanced us and in turn Ryan has begun to harbor his own secrets.
Swallowing the lump I feel in my throat, I grab onto his hand and guide us to the beach in front of our house. Along the way I stop to get the blanket from the patio. Ryan doesn’t question me or resist my direction. He sits first and then I fit myself snuggly between his legs, leaning back against his chest. The last rays of sun glide across the ocean water. A low light from the patio sets the backdrop of the house and the only sound is the rustling of a palm tree and waves crashing against the shore.
Ryan’s firm arms encase me and his chest puffs out and then in deeply. It’s shaky at first, but then both of our breathing moves into a steady and calm state. The sharp edges of his shadowed face rub against my neck, tickling the underside of my jaw. The safety and protection I feel in my husband’s arms warm me from the inside out. A blanket of reassurance covers me, gives me the security I need. Ryan’s had my heart since I met him, but now I need to bare my soul. Seconds easily turn into minutes before either of us says a word, and I swear I can feel the heat of those colors seeping in me … oranges and yellows.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, just loud enough for me to hear.
“Me too,” I whisper back without hesitation. His soft lips press into the sensitive skin behind my ear and I shiver. “Do you want to talk?” It’s a weak question that he could easily answer wrong. I need him to talk to me and tell me what’s going on.
“I lost the Bill and Jill project.” The first thing that registers in my head is that he doesn’t say we. I did the animation for that client. The second thing that pops in my head is how big this client is.
My body tightens in his arms before I ask, “Why?”
Ryan’s strong frame loosens his hold on me and then he sighs heavily. “It doesn’t matter, love.”
“Yes, it does,” I retort quickly, turning around to face him. Even I surprise myself with my bold tone. “Anything that effects you matters to me.”
Grating his teeth across his top lip and then sighing, he cups one of my cheeks. I lean into his hand, loving the warmth and connection. Our eyes flit over each other and mine beg him to tell me. “They ended up finding an error in the animation. One of the texts had a misspelling.” It’s out there now and I could just crumble into the sand, into a million pieces.
The panic begins to set in that I lost this project for the company, Ryan’s company. Me. No one else. They were a huge client and I managed to lose them. Both of Ryan’s hands hold onto my face, as I limply lean into them. The bridge of my nose stings and tears begin to flood my eyes. When the first tear streams down my cheek, Ryan’s thumb quickly swipes it away. Unable to hide my disappointment more tears fall freely.
“Shhh, Mik, don’t cry. Please, shhhh.” Ryan’s voice is barely audible to me with my heart pounding in my ears.
“I’m sorry, so sorry,” I mutter out breathlessly.
“No, don’t be. It’s not you. This happens, even at the largest animation companies. I’m just pissed because I think the guy strung us along and then ditched us for one of the bigwig companies. He’s an ass and won’t even listen to me now. It’s a simple fix and he knows it.”
Through my tears and small sobs I mumble, “But, but it was because of my error. Is this why you’ve been so … different?”
One of his hands releases my face and runs over my shoulder. “Shit, I’m so sorry, love.” As if contemplating the last couple a days, his eyes go dark and seem distant before he continues, “Yes, it’s that and―” He pauses as if thinking of his next words. “Also, I’m worried about you and the therapy.”
This only makes me cry harder. Scooping me into his lap with his arms holding me to him as close as he can, I bury my face into his chest. I don’t think he’s ever seen me cry like this. In the short time we’ve been together he’s only seen a few tears, never sobbing. When he proposed to me was probably the first time he saw my tears …
Those flowers and simple card from Ryan had opened me up. I couldn’t stay away from him. One night after hours, I knew Ryan was still here and the rest of the office was pretty bare. I went up to his office with my heart hammering out of my chest. The fear of rejection filling every possible thought I had. Even though I re-read that card and that he missed me a zillion and one times, I didn’t know the outcome.
Remembering him asking if I trusted him kept popping up in my head. I hadn’t trusted anyone in a very long time, but I was pretty sure I did trust Ryan. The air conditioner running filled the quiet space in the hallway down to his office. The closer I got, the more lightheaded I felt. Then I got to his door and it was slightly ajar.
My fingers curled into my palm, making a fist, and I knocked softly. Nothing happening so I knocked a little harder. “Come in,” Ryan’s professional voice echoed loud enough for me to hear.
I walked through the door and stood nervously in the space just on the other side, as if I was on a stage doing a solo. Ryan looked up at me, eyes wide and mouth agape. “Hi,” I whispered and then folded my lips between my teeth.
“Hi,” he returned and stood from his chair. As he swallowed, the muscles in his neck strained. “I was hoping you would come to talk.”
“I-I, miss you, too.” I let those words out before I lost the courage and swallowed them whole.
He moved around his desk and crossed the room to me in a fluid and stealth-like stride before I could blink again. He grabbed both of my hands in his, rubbed his thumbs over my knuckles and said, “I’ve been so miserable without you, Mik. I love you.”
I blinked and almost fell back, but Ryan held my hands tightly. I opened my mouth but didn’t know what to say. “Last time we talked you said that you were worried because this was my career and everything to me. You’re wrong, it used to be everything to me. Now something new is everything to me … you.”
Both of our chests were rising and falling in sync. I stared at Ryan wide-eyed thinking about what this all meant. Then I replied, “And you asked if I trusted you and I do. I didn’t even realize it and I was scared.”
“I know and I don’t want you to have those worries while dating me though.” He paused and I stared at him in confusion as he got down onto one knee. “Marry me, Mikaela? I love you and never want to be without you. It’s fast, but we are meant to be together.” His voice wavered slightly, but still held some of the confidence I loved in him. “I don’t want to wait to do what I know is in our future. You’ve become everything to me and I don’t ever want that to change.”
He stayed down on one knee, holding onto my hands, as I stared at him with all confusion lost. My eyes welled up and a few stray tears leaked from the corners of my eyes. Ryan’s own eyes glassed over as he waited on baited breath for my answer. “Yes, yes! I’ll marry you.” He hopped up onto both feet and pulled me into him and then kissed me. I kissed him back with all the passion and hope I felt.
When we stopped kissing, which was at least a good thirty minutes, I told him, “You’re crazy you know, right?”
“No, we’re crazy,” he replied with a smile that stretched from ear to ear.
Ryan’s hands stroke my back and hair as he whispers about how this is all his fault, but insecurity settles well on me. It didn’t take much actually. My body had become so accustomed to feeling little, worthless and insecure that it just started to suck me in.
“This is all my fault. I feel like I’m ruining your life, Ry.” My voice is shaky and unclear between my crying, but somehow Ryan makes out what I say.
Pulling me back from his chest and making me look at him, he says, “Don’t say that. Ever, love. You know that’s not true. I love you more than anything and I just want
to protect you from this all. Your work is amazing and the client is just being an ass. You are a saint for what you’ve put up with from my parents, and if they can’t see it, that it’s their loss.”
Before he can continue, I interject, “But they’re your family and you love them. It kills me that it’s causing a riff between you all. It reminds me of the riff in my own family and, and … it’s not a good thing.”
“Listen to me.” The pads of his thumbs stroke across my cheeks, wiping away the moisture as much as he can, while his eyes stay focused on mine. “Anyone who treats you poorly is not going to be tolerated by me. So this includes whatever is eating you from your past. If anyone was cruel or hurtful to you, I don’t have any room for them. This includes my family and yours.”
My vision blurs as more tears form because his words have touched me. No one has made me feel like this or at least not in a very long time. All the time Ryan is proving to me how much I mean to him. Even with these new struggles we face daily in our still-new relationship, he constantly verifies our love. He is here to face it all with me.
I twist and squirm to snake my arms through his and latch my hands around his neck. Our lips meet and the taste of my salty tears cover our taste buds. Our tongues slide languidly with each other and we caress each other through our clothes. I remind myself of the trust we have in each other and push out the feeling of defeat over the client lost, the fight with his parents, but linger on the idea of telling Ryan about my past. As the thought continues to fill up the empty space in my head, the more and more I feel that a peace will come between us.
As the kiss lessens, I knew it is the right time. Ryan’s fingers smooth my hair from my face and I inhale a big, deep breath and then speak calmly. “I want to tell you, Ry.”
Love Found in California (The Washington Triplets) Page 7
