At first I just breathed in and out, thinking about how I felt. Then I answered, “Yeah, I think I am actually.” The fact I was breathing normally still was evidence that I was okay. I don’t spin into a rainbow of colors or hyperventilate or … melt away for that matter.
Ryan moved his hands to hold my face, letting our eyes meet. Then he scanned me over more carefully before releasing his hold. “You do look okay. Good job,” he whispered. “I’m so proud of you.”
“Me too,” I offered. Without having to be asked, I began to share the conversation with Ryan. “He’s happy I’m coming to the wedding and excited to meet you.” I hadn’t told my dad that we were married yet, but I would obviously do that when we saw each other. That was the easy part. Telling anyone that I was married to Ryan Chambers was not difficult. The difficult part was behind me now.
“That’s good, love,” he added patiently.
“When I told him that I knew about him and Janet before Mom died, he apologized. Then when I told him I wished I had told Mom about it before she died …” I swallowed, feeling a bit tearful thinking of my mom. “He explained that she actually knew about the relationship. She wasn’t in love with him anymore, but thought that staying married was best for my sisters and I.” I let that truth sink in and contemplated whether I felt relief or more grief. All this time I had thought it was my fault Mom didn’t know that Dad was seeing someone else and here she was aware. “He said that they had drifted apart, but that he did care for her still and her death was very difficult for him.” Ryan nodded. “But that was a wake-up call and that’s why he wants to marry Janet. He doesn’t want to wait because you never know what could happen or change.”
Ryan drew me closer to him and ran his fingers over my ring and then said, “I get that.” His eyebrows rose in reference to our own nuptials.
Again I sat, contemplating how similar our situations were. “Hmmm,” I hummed against his chest. “I guess I get that, too.”
“How did he take it about what happened to you? The rape?” Ryan pressed.
“As expected,” I answered soundly. Dr. Harrington was pretty spot on with what his reaction would be. “He’s upset and blaming himself for being absent. He wanted to know who, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell him who did it.”
“How do you feel?” he asked with concern.
I calculated all my feelings before answering and the truth was evident. “Good. Relieved even. There’s just one more secret I have that I’ll feel better about revealing,” I said as turned to him with a playful smirk.
His head cocked to the side and those mesmerizing eyes questioned me as they squinted. “I can’t wait to introduce you to everyone as my husband. That’s it then. Everything will be out there in the open.”
The wheels skidding along the runway as we land jolts me awake. Ryan squeezes my hand, letting me know that this next step in our journey together will only bring us closer. I can’t think of anything I want more in life, other than happiness.
RYAN, MY DAD AND I sat at the kitchen table, the same kitchen table my sisters and I had grown up eating off of daily. I stared down at the dents and scratches that had been imbedded in the wood crafted table for years. Janet busied herself with getting the coffee and setting up bagels while my dad flipped through the paper. It felt a bit circa 1982, except the woman behind me was not my mom.
Sleeping in my bedroom had not been as depressing as I thought it would have been. Having Ryan there to snuggle into me and whisper sweet nothings erased some of the curse I felt attached to the space. Even though we had all talked last night briefly before going to bed, I still needed to let the cat out of the bag …
“Dad?” I asked as Janet placed a hot cup of coffee in front of me. She smiled subtly at me and then returned back to the counter.
He began folding up the newspaper and set it on the floor beside him before meeting my eyes. “Sorry, I just wanted to check the stats on the Cubs. So, what do you have planned for today?”
“Well, I thought I’d show Ryan around a bit, but first I want to talk to you about something,” I tell him directly, but pause to check his attention on me.
“I’m all ears,” he replies.
“Okay,” I breathe out, whistling the air between my lips as it left. Ryan scoots his chair across the linoleum, closer to me and takes my hand in his. Our hands lay on the table openly for my dad to see. His eyes move to them and I know he can see Ryan’s simple silver band and my diamond sparkling.
As my dad’s eyes widen and his mouth gapes, I suck the air back in. Janet puts some creamers and sugar on the table and sits at the available chair between my dad and me. Nervous and excited all at once, I blurt, “We’re married!”
Even Ryan turns to me in shock of my less-than-tactful declaration, but chuckles and squeezes my hand tighter. We all sit there quietly and then Janet speaks.
“Well, this is obviously wonderful news. I congratulate you and I’m sure your dad wishes he could have been there. Isn’t that right, Brian?” she asks while setting her hand gently on his forearm.
My dad runs his hand over his jaw and lets his fingertips hold his chin up. I look to Ryan who still looks at ease and then bit down on my bottom lip. Ryan mouths, “It’s fine. I’m proud of you.” My eyes close as I wait for my dad to say something, anything.
My dad stands and walks over to get a bagel and then just shakes his head. “I wasn’t expecting that, but it’s my own fault I wasn’t there,” he pauses, looking at us sincerely. “I apologize for that and hope that I can change our relationship going forward, Mikaela,” again he pauses. “And Ryan, I thank you for taking care of my baby, she looks happy.” We all smile and then I stand and hug my dad. His arms circle me for the first time in years. It feels forced and tense at first, but then I soften into him and it feels easy, hopeful and loving.
***
The rest of the day Ryan and I explore the city with me showing him all my old stomping grounds. We even go to the top of Willis Tower and walk out onto the sky deck hand in hand, more like clutching onto each other for dear life. As I begin to panic and try to escape out of the box back onto the solid floor of the 103rd floor, Ryan pushes me up against one of the clear glass walls, as a line of waiting visitors stare at us, and kisses me hard, tongue and all. We eat Chicago-style hot dogs, go on the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier and walk Michigan Avenue while eating Garrett’s popcorn.
As we come back to my childhood home, it is quiet. The house is empty, which I had never really liked, but Ryan is here now and it feels comforting. I assume my dad and Janet are getting the last minute things done for the wedding tomorrow.
I peek around the house to see if Marissa or Mya have been here, but can’t find any signs of them. Just as I’m walking back down stairs, my phone pings with a text from Mya asking for us to meet for coffee tomorrow morning. I smile and reply quickly that I’ll be there.
“What are you smiling at?” Ryan asks and grabs onto my hips.
“Nothing, just happy that I’ll be meeting with my sisters tomorrow.”
“Good,” he murmurs along my lips. Slipping my phone in my pocket, I step closer into his grasp. “You tired?”
“Not too bad. We can’t go to sleep yet. I’m ordering us some Chicago-style pizza first. You have to have it!” His head falls back and he groans gesturing that he’s full. “You can’t come to Chicago and not have some pizza, Ry.”
“Alright, love, you’re in charge.”
Heading into the kitchen I go straight to the drawer that always holds all the carryout menus and find our favorite pizza place. After I order us a cheese pizza, I look for my purse to put my phone away. Realizing I left it in the car, I call up to Ryan who’s up in the bathroom that I’m going to get it.
Since it’s September, it’s starting to get dark earlier and earlier. The sun has completely set now and all of the streetlights are on. We had to park our car a little further down from the house because the spots were almost all taken. As I�
��m walking to the car, I take in all of my old friends’ houses and realize most of them have moved away. However, one family remains from my childhood … Eric Black’s family still lives there. The house has new siding and it looks like the roof may be different too, but otherwise it’s a mirror-image of the outside of my house.
A shiver runs through me as I stare, but I shake it off and open the door to the rental car. I find my purse in the back seat and lock up the car as I crawl out. When I turn around, all the air leaves me and I gasp loudly. Looking just as I remember, other than a little more bulk to his build, is Eric Black. On instinct, I back up against the car, wanting to crumble to the ground.
“Hey,” he says and then asks, “Marisa?” I just stare at him wide-eyed and shocked. Shaking my head back and forth, I feel the rising panic in me setting in.
“Damn, I still get you mixed-up after all these years. Oh shit, wait, I know you aren’t Mya.” A knowing look passes between us and I start to feel my shoulders cave in on me.
“Mikaela, it’s Mikaela,” I mutter insecurely. Realization hits me that he’s probably here for the same reason I am. He’s going to the wedding. Our families have always been friends, even after that summer. And when my mom died, they did a lot for my dad. He had actually always been very friendly with Eric. When we were younger, he would go to his sports games even. The thing was though, no one knew what he did to me. I continue to stare at him, trying to figure out how to get out of this situation, but all I can think of is that there is no way I can be at that wedding with him there.
Snapping me out of my trance, I hear Ryan’s voice from a few feet away, “Mik? You okay?” Eric and I both turn our heads in Ryan’s direction. Instantly, I can see the concern on Ryan’s face, as his eyes ping-pong from me to Eric. Eric backs up from me, which lightens the feeling of being trapped. Slowly, I slide across the car in Ryan’s direction. Ryan looks to me, worry crinkling his forehead and asks, “Who’s this?” His tone is anything but polite.
“Hey man, I’m Eric, neighbor from back in the day.” His hand struts out toward Ryan, but Ryan is glaring at me, intently waiting for me to answer him.
My knowing husband ignores the hand out in front of him for a split second longer and then says, “I asked my wife a question,” turning back to me he asks, “Mik, love, who is this?”
It’s too late; he knows exactly who this is. I nod my head and eyes in confirmation. Ryan moves me to him, kisses my head and steps in front of me.
Eric begins to back up when Ryan faces him, even from my angle I can see Ryan’s jaw twitching. Before words or another breath, Ryan’s fist is clenched and cocking back, landing smack dab into Eric’s nose. Eric falls back cursing with blood running down his face. My shriek of a cry fills up the empty air on the street. I grab onto Ryan’s bicep from behind him and beg him to come with me.
“You think I don’t know who you are, you prick?” Ryan growls down into Eric’s face.
Eric remains lying on the sidewalk uttering curses. “What the fuck, man?”
“You’re lucky I don’t fucking break your arm, you sick piece of shit,” Ryan continues. “Mik, go back to the house. Now, love. Now.”
Tears fall from my eyes, blurring my vision, but I see my husband angrier than I’ve ever seen him. When Eric stands and tells Ryan, “I don’t know what she told you, but it’s not what you think, man,” he loses it.
Ryan slams Eric up against the car and I stop moving, watching my knight in shining armor slay my dragon for good. “She told me the fucking truth, that’s what she told me. You fucking destroyed her, you sick, sick bastard.”
Eric pushes back on Ryan, but never swings an arm at him. “She liked it. She liked me. Tell him, Mikaela.”
I stand still, shaking my head from side to side, answering no, over and over again. “You’re lucky you got away with it, but I swear if I hear you’ve even uttered her name I’ll ruin you.”
“I’m here for the wedding, I’m not here to steal her away, man,” Eric mutters through the blood spilling into his mouth, some landing on Ryan’s face and shirt.
Ryan grabs Eric by the shirt around his neck and moves in even closer as he says, “Don’t even think about it. You come within any range of that wedding, I’ll end your life as you know it, got it?”
Eric wrangles himself free and starts to back away in the opposite direction and grits out, “Fuck off,” as he walks to his old childhood home.
When Ryan reaches me, I sob uncontrollably and let him pick me up, carrying me like a baby down the sidewalk back to my own childhood home. He cradles me into him and my tears soak his shirt as he whispers, “It’s over now. It’s all over. I’m sorry, love.”
RYAN PULLS UP TO THE valet and gets all of our luggage out of the trunk. The hotel is a bit old-style with a castle like feel to it. I have heard of it, but of course have never been here. We have a few hours until the ceremony and then the reception follows immediately afterward.
Once in the room, I analyze my hair situation. Since I had showered and fixed myself before meeting Mya and Marisa, I look decent. Actually, I look and feel great. My hair is smooth and my make-up is subtle, but intact. I’ll just need to add my favorite pink lipstick that I only wear out at night with Ryan.
The conversation I had with Marisa and Mya earlier at coffee runs through my mind. Especially at the end … “Let’s make sure we are there for each other going forward,” I whispered as I hugged them. I know as I said those words that I need them more than they probably need me. Selfishly, I’m actually okay with it. Telling them about Dad and Janet’s relationship and what I had learned while staying there the past couple days was not an easy confession for me. I think Mya took it the hardest, but I could tell she was starting the process of … healing, accepting, I can’t be sure, but something along those lines.
Feeling good about yourself comes with all new kinds of territory. It’s been too long since I felt this way. Years had gone by and I know I can never get them back, but I want to start moving forward and build new happy memories. Ultimately, I feel worthy and deserving about having the love of the most important people in my life … Ryan, Marisa, Mya and Dad.
“I’m hoping I get to meet both of your sisters tonight,” Ryan says from the small sofa in our room, as if reading through my thoughts.
“Me too. I think you’ll find it funny how different we all are,” I reply while still examining myself.
“Well, I already know I landed the best triplet,” he teases, while winking at me through the mirror. I giggle and watch Ryan go back to flipping through channels on the television. His constant reassurance and love is what keeps me moving forward, making it easier to conquer all the challenges in my life.
“I didn’t tell them though about the rape or that I’m married.” I stop to see Ryan’s face stare at me through the mirror. “But I decided on something and I feel good about it. One, I’ll introduce you tonight as my husband, of course.” He smiles that perfect smile that always stands out and then I continue. “Two, I’m not going to tell them about the rape, well, for now at least, but probably ever.”
“Why’s that, love?” His eyes pierce me, holding me accountable, telling me to explain my thought process.
“I just, mmmm, I don’t know how to explain it but I think I’m putting that to rest. It’s already controlled enough areas of my life, but I can’t let it control my future anymore.” Slipping some of my hair behind my ear, I give him a more direct, meaningful look through the mirror, hoping he knows how much he’s helped me get to this point.
“Wow, I like that, Mik. I’m proud of you,” he says tenderly, standing to come up behind me. “God, I love you.”
“I love you too, Ry. Thank you for …” I start to choke up, but swallow the lump. His strong arms wrap around my waist and his chin rests on my shoulder as we stare into each other’s eyes lovingly. “For fighting my demon for me. I clammed up and lost my voice to speak up. I wish I had said more, but it was harder than I i
magined when thrown in my face. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there.”
“Mik, you don’t need to thank me, and I’d fight any demon just to protect you. Please don’t beat yourself up over how you reacted because that guy does not deserve one word, gesture or look from you. You’ve fought more than any person should have over the last several years. That’s enough.”
I know everything Ryan has said is true and for the first time, I feel it too. “I agree. Thank you,” I whisper and turn in his arms to face him.
Ryan’s lips meet mine with soft, tender attention. When our tongues slide along each other, I push myself into him more aggressively, urging him to deepen our connection. The kiss quickly escalates into licking, sucking and exploring with our hands. Ryan’s hands move to my thighs and begin to pull up my dress. I suck along his jaw to his ear and whisper, “Please, I need my husband.” My fingers trace the top of his shorts and then undo his belt. Soon I have his shorts undone and my hands are maneuvering through his boxers.
Ryan’s own fingers slip easily under my panties and are planted deep inside me. I moan out in satisfaction when his palm presses against my sweet spot, causing him to groan into my ear and ask, “Do you trust me, Mik?”
“Yes,” I answer without hesitation.
With that simple reply, Ryan drags my panties down, allowing me to step out of them. Then he pulls my dress up and over my head. As he unclasps my bra, I help him out of his own restraints. I watch his chest rise and fall rapidly, defining his abs and chest even more. Naked in front of each other, we admire our views. Ryan’s masculine, strong lines and structured body have always captivated me.
He moves us closer together, raking his hands through my long dark hair, and angling my head back. Our lips lock again, this time moving frantically along one another. Ryan guides us to the king-sized bed, running his hands over my behind one minute and then caressing my breasts the next.
Love Found in California (The Washington Triplets) Page 10
