by Dawn Martens
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Blurb
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Epilogue 1
Epilogue 2
About Dawn Martens
Coming Soon
Available Now
Don’t Want to Lose You
– A Being Yours Series Novella, Book 3
By
Dawn Martens
All rights reserved. This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any form without prior written permission of the publisher, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution, circulation or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly. Thank you for respecting the work of this author.
DAWN MARTENS
Copyright 2017 © Dawn Martens
Published October 2017
Cover and Formatting by Glenna Maynard
Edited by Emily Snow
Proofread by Michelle and Jen
This Book is a work of fiction. All names, characters, places and events portrayed in this book either are from the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, establishments, events, or location is purely coincidental and not intended by the author. Please do not take offence to the content, as it is FICTION.
Trademarks: This book identifies product names and services known to be trademarks, registered trademarks, or service marks of their respective holders, the authors acknowledge the trademarked status in this work of fiction. The publication and use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Blurb
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Epilogue 1
Epilogue 2
About Dawn Martens
Coming Soon
Available Now
Dedication
This is for all the readers who love my brand of crazy and continue to support me – You all rock!
Kisses! Xoxo
Acknowledgments
Glenna – you are my rockstar, I love you to the moon and back!
Michelle, Angie, Jen, and Andrea – Thanks for all your help! I appreciate you!
Emmie-Poo – Thank you for being my friend, even though I send you tit pix.
Don’t Want to Lose You
What would you do if the man you loved, the man you married suddenly destroyed your world?
Trixie and Chris had already gone through a devastating loss, and they thought that was finally behind them. Two years after that horrible event, a bomb had been dropped, and Trixie was left hurt, broken.
Trying to move forward, past all the pains, she finds something new, exciting, and wonderful. Only Chris is trying to find a way to make their marriage work.
Her heart is torn, does she fall back into her old ‘safe’ life, the one she knows or does she chase a new life, one that’s full of uncertainty?
Part 1
Prologue
The Delivery
“Chris, we have to go now!” I scream at my husband, holding my stomach. These contractions are getting closer together, and are not slowing down. I suck in a breath trying to bear the pain.
“Do you want me to carry you?” he asks, coming into the bathroom where I’ve been trying to pack my hospital bag in between contractions.
I breathe out shakily. “No, no, I should be okay. Did you call everyone?”
He places a calming hand on my back. “Yeah, babe, they’re on their way to the hospital now, they’ll meet us there. And your mom already called ahead to let them know we were coming too. They have a bed and a room waiting for us.”
The drive to the hospital feels like it takes forever, even with Chris speeding. As we pull up to the front doors of the emergency area, a nurse rushes out with a wheelchair for me.
“I’ll go park and be right up.” Chris gives me a quick kiss then climbs back in the car, speeding off.
Liquid starts gushing out of me as they wheel me down the hall, and the nursing staff starts moving around in a frenzy, as if something is wrong. “Get the Delivery room set up done now! And get Doctor Wildner, fast!” One shouts.
I look around the room, there is so much commotion, then down at myself and notice blood pouring out, leaving a trail behind me as we rush into a room. I feel dizzy and scared. I don’t understand what’s happening.
They quickly get me prepped and on the bed, everyone moving fast around me. It’s all happening in such a blur.
“My husband? Where is Chris? He needs to be in here.” I cry out as they start poking and prodding me.
“We can’t wait for him, Mrs. Crescent, we have to start now,” Nurse Michelle tells me as she rubs my arm. “I’ll stay right here by your side the whole time. I promise.” She gives me a sad smile.
I’m so confused about what’s going on right now, but I don’t have time to think about it as another contraction hits. The pain is so intense I feel sick.
“Trixie, on this next contraction I need you to start pushing until I say stop. Can you do that for me?” the doctor between my legs tells me.
I nod as sweat falls from my forehead, burning my eyes.
Contraction after contraction I push, until finally my child is out. I long to see my baby. I want Chris here for this moment. He should be here. Where is he?
Then I realize I hear no crying. Pure silence as the baby is rushed to a medical table being looked over and another nurse leaves the room.
“What’s going on? Is everything okay?” I finally ask. “Can I hold my baby? Why isn’t she crying? Where’s my husband?”
“We’re so s
orry, Trixie, but your daughter was stillborn.”
I shake my head as the tears fall. “No, that’s not right. It can’t be right. I felt her move this morning. She’s fine. Give me my baby!”
Chris comes in as I argue with the doctor, tears streaming down his face. “No!” I cry out as I see her unmoving, no sound, no breaths leaving her small chest.
Chris comes to me, hugging me tightly as we cry together. Cry over our child who never got a chance to even take her first breath.
Chapter 1
Trixie
Waking up, I feel chilly. That’s odd, Chris is usually cuddling me, so I wake up overheated. Rolling over I find him sleeping on his side, facing the other way.
Ever since we lost our daughter, Lola, two years ago, we’ve started drifting apart. We still do little things together, we have date nights, but it doesn’t feel the same. Two months ago, I asked him if we could try again as I so badly want a baby, but he lost it, saying it wasn’t worth the heartbreak. He didn’t raise his voice, but there was this look in his eyes. I wasn’t expecting that reaction from him. He wanted our daughter so badly, I thought trying for another child could repair this rift between us.
Since then we’ve barely spoken, no matter how much I want to. He seems to avoid me. I hate it, I just want my husband back, the man I love with all my heart, the man I gave my friends up for.
I check the time and see the alarm is about to go off, so I shut it off myself and decide to wake Chris up in a much better way, praying he won’t shove me off him like he did last time.
My hand glides over his back and I place soft, feathery kisses along his arm, hoping to get him to move. He finally does and looks at me. “Not this morning, babe,” he says, turning away to glance at the clock.
I sit up on the bed. Looking at him getting up. “We haven’t made love in months, I miss you. What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” he says distractedly. I take in his appearance. He looks haggard, run down. Nothing like the fun-loving joker of a guy he’s always been. His short blonde hair is sticking up all over the place, and his hazel eyes no longer have that sparkle anymore.
“Chris. Something is wrong. What is it?” I ask, standing up, getting in his face.
“This is what’s wrong, you never give me fucking space!” he snaps, practically spitting in my face.
I rear back in shock. He’s never spoken to me this way before, not even when we lost Lola. I bite my tongue. Anything I say will be more of a fight. I know the signs. Considering we only ever fight about his parents, us actually fighting is rare.
He was a virgin when he met me; I sure wasn’t, I was loose. His parents liked me at first, but once they found out he proposed to me, it was like something switched, they’ve hated me ever since. Causing problems left and right. In the eight years since we got together, they have refused to come to our wedding, hoping Chris wouldn’t go through with it, tried saying our daughter wasn’t his, and then even blamed me for her death.
It’s been an ongoing battle, and I refuse to visit them, although they do visit us once every three years. They miss so much, I’m not used to it. My family is close, phone calls, pictures and text messages at least once a day. Visits at least once a week for family time. I almost feel sad for his family.
I look to Chris and he’s now sitting on the bed, the palms of his hands rubbing at his eyes.
“What’s going on, Chris?”
“I think we married too young, too fast,” he suddenly blurts out.
I still, shocked at what he’s saying. “What?” I finally whisper.
“We were going to break up before you found out we were pregnant with Lola. But instead we stayed together, wanting to be a family for her.” I know all of this. We were, we fought too much, and it wasn’t working, then we got pregnant, and that was the end of the fighting and we worked on our relationship. I figured we’d be over this by now. “Lola is dead, and since her death we’ve been an emotional mess. You throwing it out there you wanted to try for another baby. I can’t. I don’t. Fuck…”
“Just say it, Chris,” I demand, growing impatient.
He looks away from me but I don’t miss the words that come flying out of his mouth as though speaking them is an answer to his unspoken prayers. “I want to separate for a while.”
“What?” I mouth, his words almost knocking me on my ass.
“I want to experience life more. I just don’t know if this is what I want, we need space, we need to find ourselves again.”
“What the fuck?” I finally spit out.
“Trixie,” he says slowly. “I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t feel so strongly about this right now.”
“So that’s it? You don’t love me anymore or something? Eight years of marriage and you just want to throw it all away?”
He shakes his head. “Trixie, I love you, I love you more than anything, but we can’t be together right now. This won’t be forever, I promise. I just need to figure shit out.”
Tears run down my face, I swear I’m not used to being so emotional, but since Lola’s death, it’s all I have been.
He throws a hand out at me as I cry. “This is part of the reason why. You cry at the drop of a hat, almost every damn day. I can’t live like this. I want the old Trixie back—my Trixie back. The one that loved adventure, that was outgoing, sure of herself, even bitchy.” He gives me a small smirk when he says that.
“Well sorry my whole world practically fell apart after Lola. Sorry you can’t handle my emotions. And sor-fucking-ry that I grew the hell up. I’m not the same girl I was. I never will be again.”
He looks at me sadly, and without a word starts packing up his clothes. I can’t stand to see this so I go down to the kitchen and make myself a cup of coffee.
An hour later I stare after his car as he pulls out of the driveway. I’m in shock, he really did it. I thought maybe he was just talking out of his ass, but he wasn’t. He left without speaking another word to me and I didn’t try to stop him. He didn’t seem to want to stay. I won’t beg him to be with me but I wanted to.
Chapter 2
Chris
I left my wife. I’m a fucking coward. I left because I couldn’t tell her the truth. The truth of what happened the night after our daughter died. With Lacey. I’m such a fucking dick. How could I have let this happen?
I don’t know where the hell I’m going right now, so I just drive around. I punch my steering wheel and tell my car to call Allan.
“Yo,” he answers. Allan works at the car dealership with me, he’s one of the mechanics in the shop. I’m technically one of his bosses, since I’m the shop foreman.
“Hey man, it’s Chris. Think I could crash at your place for a bit?” I ask.
He’s quiet before he answers. “She find out?” he asks.
“No, I couldn’t tell her, so I left instead.”
“Shit, Chris, you need to tell her. Then could you start fixing this mess,” he says. I know he forgave his wife when she cheated with his best friend, but women are different. They hold grudges, bring that shit up whenever possible, even if they say they forgive you.
“This is different.”
“Yeah, I guess,” he says quietly. “I’ll talk to Jess, I’m sure she’ll be fine with it.”
“Okay, man. Later.” I hang up and head to the park. Sitting in my car, I think back to that night. How could I have let this happen? I close my eyes, thinking back to when shit hit the fan.
*
After I order myself some Jack, I sit down with Allan, his wife, and my boss, Joel.
“Hey man, shouldn’t you be home with Trix?” Joel asks me.
“I just needed out of the house for a bit. It’s overrun with her parents and mine. Everyone is crying.”
Joel gives me a sad smile and slaps my back. “Drinks are on me tonight, man. I know no one can cheer you up right now, but we can make you so drunk you’ll forget your troubles.”
Allan’s wife, Jess, groans when sh
e looks behind me. “Why is she here? Isn’t it bad enough she works with y’all, ugh.”
Allan shakes his head. “She frequents this place apparently,” he tells her.
“I know, but I can’t stand her at all.” She looks at me pointedly. “And I know Trixie can’t either.”
I know Trixie hates Lacey. I don’t really blame her since Lacey has made it her mission to bad mouth Trixie. Allan, Joel and myself, have all put her in her place many times because of the comments she makes.
“No Trixie tonight?” Lacey asks, practically purring. Shit, maybe Trixie was right, maybe she does have a thing for me.
“No, our family is all down for our daughter’s funeral, I just needed out of the house for the night,” I tell her kindly. No point in being a dick to her if it’s not needed. Especially when I work with her five days a week.
Her eyes show sadness for the first time ever. “I’m sorry for your loss,” she says and then walks off.
“I swear, if I could find a reason to fire her I would. But I can’t get rid of her just because she’s a bitch to your wife,” my boss grumbles beside me. Joel hates Lacey almost as much as Trixie does. He’s always been protective of my wife, mainly because they’ve been friends for years. He hates that Lacey is always tearing her down and flirting with me.
We finish chatting for a bit and the music starts up. Drinks are poured, and I’m three sheets to the wind. It’s not often this happens, me getting drunk, but tonight calls for it. I need this right now.
I called up Trixie an hour ago letting her know I got a room in the hotel for the night, since I can’t drive. She told me it was probably best for me to stay the night and that she loves me. So here I am, acting like a moron, dancing with my buddies, and drinking my night away, while my wife and family are at home, mourning the loss of our daughter.
I decide to head off to bed since it’s nearing two am, and start up the elevator. The doors are about to close when a hand sticks in and they open back up. Lacey is standing there wearing a grin. “Hey there, Chris. You staying here too?” she asks.
