Intentional

by MK Harkins

  Cade stops laughing. “Man, what the hell did he do to you?”

  The pain that I have been shoving down for months makes another unwelcome appearance. Tears sting my eyes. “He destroyed everything. The worst part is that I lost trust. I trusted him with everything in my soul. I would have done anything for him. He was my everything, and he threw it all away. I can never allow myself to be in that position again. I barely lived through it this time. If it happened again, I don’t think I could survive it.”

  Cade nods. “Yeah. I get it.” He waits a few minutes. “Can we be almost-dating friends? That way we can hang out and have fun without all the other stuff messing everything up.” Cade is so much fun. He makes me laugh so much.

  I reach over to shake his hand. “Sure, almost-dating friends it is.”

  Chapter 24

  June

  Cade

  I’m in trouble. I’m not going to be able to shake this one. I’ve avoided any type of relationship for almost my entire adult life. Mattie. Oh, man, she’s beautiful. She’s smart and funny. I feel so good when I’m with her. I should be running in the opposite direction, but she’s pulling me in minute by minute. I think I’m falling for her, and it scares me.

  I haven’t told her how much we have in common. I also made a vow never to love again. I didn’t realize how lonely I’ve become until I held her in my arms. I’ve wasted years keeping my emotions locked up. Will I need to wait years for Mattie’s walls to come down?

  She’s safe with me. Maybe she will be able to sense it. I would never do to her what Jeremy did. I want her. I think I need her. My feelings for her are so confusing. They feel so new, like I’m in high school again. I can’t wait until I see her again tomorrow.

  Chapter 25

  June

  Mattie

  I don’t want to leave. The realization surprises me. This trip to Julianne’s cabin has been a turning point for me. I’ve been slowly but surely coming back to life. Now I’m feeling almost normal. I look over at Cade. He’s packing up. I start cleaning the kitchen. We look at each other from across the room. I think we’re both feeling the same way. It’s so easy with him. I feel like I can be myself. I don’t have to hide.

  I know I have to be careful. There is something about Cade that makes me want to put my arms around him. I turn away from him and start putting the dishes away. We finish up with the packing and cleaning. We linger for a little bit longer on the deck.

  Finally, I can’t drag it out any more. I gather my belongings and head for my car. I say, “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  Cade smiles. “I’ll look forward to it. And, Mattie, thanks for being here with me. I haven’t had this much fun for a long time.”

  I nod my head. “Me too.” I’ve got to get out of here. “See ya!” With that, I throw all my stuff in the car and make a beeline out the driveway and back home.

  I’m home for about ten minutes before Julianne comes knocking on my door. “I want to hear everything!” She’s jumping up and down. Oh my gosh—what does she think happened?

  “Julianne, settle down. There’s nothing to tell! We just hung out.”

  She gets a sly look on her face. “That’s not what Sam said.”

  What the heck? “What did Sam say?” I feel myself start to blush. I don’t know why—absolutely nothing happened. Okay, maybe a little spooning on the couch. That’s nothing—right?

  Julianne looks deflated for a moment. “So, nothing at all?” I reply, “Spill it, Julianne. What in the world did Sam tell you?”

  “Well, actually, not a lot. Cade just told him how much he liked you.”

  I don’t know why, but I’m getting that warm feeling in my body again. I can feel little flutters in my stomach. I order my body to stop it. I laugh at Julianne’s disappointment. “Oh, Julianne, I like him too. But believe me, nothing is going to happen.”

  “Why not?”

  This is the second time in twenty-four hours that I am faced with telling someone about my breakup and subsequent move. I’ve avoided it thus far by distracting her with talk about business, cooking, anything and everything except for my love life—or lack thereof. I think she just assumed I had a boyfriend tucked away somewhere.

  “Okay, Julianne. I’m going to make this as short as possible. I fell in love and got engaged, he cheated, and I moved to Mercer Island.”

  She looks downright shocked. “Someone cheated on you. But why? Was he insane?”

  I want to say yes, he was, but I’m just not sure. “Oh, Julianne, it’s complicated. It’s over now. I’m still not ready to talk about him. I just know that it will be a long time, if ever, before I’ll get involved again like that.”

  Julianne looks disappointed. “Okay, Mattie. But please, if you ever need to talk about it, I’m here. Okay?” I give her a hug. I officially have my first new friend in the state of Washington, city of Mercer Island.

  Chapter 26

  June

  Mattie

  I toss and turn, trying to sleep. Why can’t I? It’s not because I’m excited for tomorrow. No, it’s not. I’ve had too much caffeine—that’s it. Wait. Have I had caffeine today? I turn and fluff my pillow, tossing again. My mind is replaying the past couple days. Every time I close my eyes, I see Cade’s smile. I feel panicked, a little excited. Oh no, this isn’t going to happen. Maybe I shouldn’t go tomorrow. If I’m having these feelings, what will it be like to see Cade onstage? I have to admit to myself, there is something way sexy about a guy who can play an instrument and sing. My heart is pounding just imagining it. I can’t go. I want to go. I toss again. Am I going to sleep at all tonight?

  Julianne and Sam swing by my apartment to pick me up for our night out. After much deliberation and a pep talk to myself, I decide to suck it up and go. It’s Saturday night, after all. I have vowed to control myself. I will control my emotions. We’re going a little late—it’s after 10:00 p.m. I find out that Cade has left us some passes, so we don’t have to worry about getting in at the door. I’ve been learning a lot about Cade and his band from both Julianne and Sam. Apparently, they are very popular. They’ve been playing together for five years and have somewhat of a cult following.

  We find a parking lot in downtown Seattle on Fourth and Pine. We’ll have to walk a few blocks to the club. It’s a nice evening. I find myself wondering where all the rain is that everyone always associates with Seattle. Of course, I’ve seen the rain, just not very often.

  As we’re walking, I stop suddenly. “Hey, guys, what’s the name of Cade’s band, anyway?”

  Sam laughs. “We were wondering when you were going to ask.”

  “Well?”

  “It’s Hard Reign. Hard R-e-i-g-n—get it?”

  Oh, that’s funny—I was just thinking about the rain. “Clever.”

  We get past the doorman guarding the entrance to the Emerald City Nightclub. I can’t believe this place—it’s huge. I wasn’t expecting a venue this big. There must be a hundred tables with a large dance floor below a huge stage. It’s wall-to-wall bodies, dancing, drinking, and partying. I can’t help but get swept up into the atmosphere.

  It looks like the band is taking a break—the instruments are all set up, and music is being piped in. I hope we didn’t miss them! We start to look for a table…nope, that’s not going to happen. I lean over to Julianne. “Is it always this crowded?”

  She nods yes. “Always. Let’s get over to the bar and put our order in.”

  I decide on a beer—I haven’t had one for a while. It tastes good. I find that I’m really thirsty. Before I know it, it’s almost gone. Sam laughs. “Whoa, you’d better slow down. We’ll be carrying you home!”

  “Don’t worry, Sam. I know my limit. There will be no carrying my body home tonight.” We all laugh. I order another beer. I’m going to have fun tonight.

  I hear some excited chattering around me. I look up at the stage—it looks like Cade and his bandmates are getting ready for another set. Thank goodness. I see Cade lo
oking around. I wonder if he’s looking for us. If he is, I doubt he’ll see us—we are squished between the bar and a large pole. I can barely see the stage, but I have a good view of the dance floor. I get a look at the women who swarm beneath the stage. They are twittering excitedly, jumping up and down in anticipation. Some of them are waving, yelling for Cade. Oh my gosh! Cade has groupies. I hadn’t even contemplated it. When I think about it, why wouldn’t he have groupies? He’s movie-star good-looking, and if his singing is half as appealing as his appearance, then I’m not surprised. He seems to be such an average, everyday, normal sort of guy, albeit gorgeous as all get-out, but normal just the same.

  Cade smiles down at the girls. Their twittering has become little screams of delight. I don’t know why, but it bothers me. He’s encouraging them! The rational side of my brain tells me, Of course, that’s what rock stars do! But Cade? Is he a rock star? I guess I’ve been thinking of him strictly as an engineer who sings.

  The lights goes down, and the spotlight hits Cade. He starts to sing. I’m not sure if I’ve heard this song before, but I know I love it. Cade’s voice is spectacular. It’s low and kind of raspy. I hate to admit it, but it’s sexy as hell. The song he’s singing has my heart beating rapidly. It’s a song of love, loss, and betrayal. I’m wondering who wrote it. I could have written it. It could have been my story.

  I feel my eyes fill up with tears. It’s beautiful. Cade’s beautiful. Just as that thought is going through my mind, I look up. Cade has spotted me. Can he tell that I’m about to cry? He looks at me with an alarming intensity in his eyes. That’s when I know. I know he’s singing this song for me. We’re staring at each other as the painful words keep floating out; his voice is smooth and controlled. His eyes seem to be searching mine. I nod to him, letting him know it’s okay. I love the song. But I’m going to need another beer if I’m going to survive this night.

  I’m not going to sleep again tonight. I give up. I get out of bed. I’m sick of tossing and turning. I’ll just start working. I get up from the bed and go out to where I’ve put my laptop on the dining room table. I sigh deeply and stare out the window. It’s 3:00 a.m. The little town of Mercer Island is sound asleep. It’s deadly quiet without any traffic at all. I’m alone with my thoughts.

  Last night was overwhelming. It all seems like a dream. My mind is still trying to take in everything. Cade. He looked so different onstage. He even seemed different. His clothes were the same—jeans and a T-shirt. But when he’s onstage, his whole persona changes. He becomes sensual, talented, and exciting. I don’t want to think of him that way! I need to keep him in the friends category. How can I be friends with him if he makes me start to feel things, emotions that I never want to experience again? I’ve got to get control of this before any potential for friendship is ruined before it begins.

  At 5:00 a.m., I’m still staring out my window. I haven’t accomplished anything; the web page I’m trying to design is at a standstill. My body aches; my mind is sluggish. I think I’m finally ready to try sleeping again. I flop myself back in bed.

  I hear a pounding. I look at my clock—it’s 11:00 a.m. Good—I’ve gotten a little sleep. I realize the pounding is at my door. As I’m wondering who it is, I hear a familiar voice: “Mattie, open up! I know you’re in there.”

  It’s Cade! I look down at myself. I have on my favorite sleeping pj’s—a pink tank top and bottoms with little cats on them. How embarrassing! I yell, “Just a minute!” I run through the apartment. Where are my jeans? I dash into the bathroom. Oh no! My hair is a mess, and I have makeup smeared under my eyes. I continue my frantic pace while grabbing clothes and makeup remover at record speed.

  Cade can hear me scurrying around. “Don’t clean up for me—I don’t care what your apartment looks like.” He’s laughing. He must know better than to drop in at a girl’s house unannounced.

  “You’re going to have to wait at least five minutes. That’s the minimum, Cade!” I finish up in an unheard-of amount of time for a typical girl—six minutes. I have a clean pair of jeans, a T-shirt, and a sweater on. My hair is combed and in a loose ponytail. I have even managed to put on some blush and lip gloss. I’m good to go. I open the door. There stands Cade…and Bear, Julianne’s dog. I lean down to pet Bear. “Oh, you’ve brought a friend with you!”

  “I thought you might want to go with Bear and me to Luther Burbank Park. They have a dog park there.”

  Fresh air and a walk sound good. “Sure, let me grab my coat.”

  Cade asks, “Do you have your cell phone?” I grab it off the entry table. I show it to him. Cade takes it and starts placing a call. In a few seconds, I hear ringing coming from his coat. He smiles and gives it back to me.

  I smile. “I know what you just did. Why didn’t you just ask me for my number?”

  He shrugs. “I’ve never been very good with rejection.”

  I look over at him. “I’m sure you’ve never have that problem. You may have forgotten, I was there last night.” I roll my eyes at him.

  He laughs. “That doesn’t mean anything. Those girls don’t know me. They just like the idea of a singer in a band.”

  I can’t tell if he’s kidding or not. “You do know that you are really talented, right?”

  He looks embarrassed. He mutters, “Thanks,” then grabs Bear’s leash. “You ready to go?”

  I insist, “No, really. You guys are great. I can’t believe you haven’t gone professional.”

  Cade shrugs his shoulders. “Yeah, well, we’ve had offers. We’re still thinking about it. I just don’t know if I’m up for all the bullshit that comes with the music industry.”

  I ask, “Do you love it?”

  He smiles. “Yes.”

  We walk out of the building, toward the park. “I was nervous,” he says quietly.

  “Really? Why?”

  He pauses, unsure of his answer. “I wanted you to like it—you know, last night.”

  Those darn butterflies are back. I look at him straight in the face. “I loved it,” I say. “I want to know something—who writes your music? I noticed that you played some cover songs, but I didn’t recognize a few of the songs.”

  He has a shy look. “That’s yours truly. I’ve been writing since high school.”

  “Cade, that’s fantastic! I loved all of the songs you performed, but my favorites were the ones I hadn’t heard before. Have you recorded any of them?”

  He shakes his head. “Not yet.”

  We’re walking down the side streets, just a few blocks from the park. I can tell Bear has been on this path many times—he’s pulling at his leash.

  “So, Mattie, do you think you’d want to come again next week? I didn’t get the chance to introduce you to my bandmates.”

  I nod. “Sure, I think that would be fun. I’d like to meet them. They seem nice.”

  Cade chuckles. “Nice. Hmm. I don’t think I’ve heard them described like that. One thing I should warn you about: they take this rock-and-roll thing very seriously. I’m not just talking about the music. Let’s just say they get around. You’ll have to watch yourself around them. Actually, I’ll watch out for you.”

  “Oh, you don’t need to worry about me; I can take care of myself.”

  He stops right before we reach the park. “Is that really what you want? To be alone, to take care of yourself?”

  He’s asked a hard question. I pause. I want to think about my answer. “Yes and no. Yes, because that’s how my life has panned out. No, because, to be honest, it sucks being alone. Right now, I don’t really have a choice. I can’t change what happened. I can’t change how I feel.”

  We reach the park. Cade lets Bear off his leash to frolic with the other dogs. He looks so funny with his short little legs and big ears. I laugh seeing him next to the other dogs. He plays as if it’s his last day on Earth. I wish I could be like that. I feel so weighted down by my past. I wish I could shake it off.

  I see a swing set next to the park. “Can we leave B
ear for a few minutes?”

  He sees me eyeing the swings. “I’ll race you!” he says, as he breaks out in a dash for the swings.

  “Cheater! You got a head start!” Of course he beats me. I’m out of breath as I grab the nearest swing.

  I haven’t done this for years. It feels good. The higher I swing, the better I feel. I’m laughing and swinging, I feel like a child again. I freeze. Here comes another unwanted memory. I’m ten and I’m playing with Sarah.

  Cade is looking at me closely. “You just remembered something, didn’t you?”

  Is my face that expressive? I’m going to have to learn to hide away my emotions better. “Yes, I was just thinking about Sarah. We’ve been best friends since fourth grade.”

  “Oh, why don’t you invite her for a visit? I’d love to meet her.”

  He looks excited. He’s assuming my sad face indicated that I miss her. I shake my head. “No, that’s not going to happen.”

  “Why not? Does she live too far away?” It looks like I’m going to have to tell him. I command my body to obey. Do not cry. Do not cry.

  “Okay, Cade. I’m going to tell you something. I’m going to say it quick. I’m still emotional about it, and I don’t want to embarrass myself by crying. Here goes.” I take a deep breath. “Sarah was the girl that my fiancé, Jeremy, cheated with. I came home after a seminar out of town and found them in bed together. It was nine thirty in the morning. Sarah sent me a text the night before telling me that Jeremy was really sick. So I rushed over to his house right after I got off the plane. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think Sarah planned for me to find them together. I don’t know how long it had been going on with them—I have to say, I was clueless.”