by MK Harkins
I look over to where Mary is sitting. We’ve had some broken conversations during the breaks between songs. She seems very nice and down to earth. I like her a lot. I’ve asked her to meet me for coffee next week, and she seemed complimented and eager to come.
I start to gather my things together to leave. I’ve stayed much longer than I planned. “I really enjoyed meeting you, Mary! I’ll look forward to getting together for coffee next week.”
She replies, “I’m so glad you came! I always feel outnumbered when I come for rehearsals. It’s nice to have another girl to talk to.” She says in a quieter voice, “Cade never brings anyone here—ever.”
I’m not sure what to say. “Oh. Yeah, I haven’t known him for very long, but we’ve become good friends.”
She gives me a knowing look. “How long do you think it will stay like that? I’ve seen the way you two look at each other. I’ve never seen Cade like this.”
I’m a little embarrassed. “Really?”
She nods. “Really.” She looks like she’s going to say something else. I give her a questioning look. She says, “Never mind.”
I get up to say good-bye to Cade and the guys. They all come over. Scott gives me another bear hug; this time, his hand drops dangerously close to my backside. Cade swats his hand away and scowls at him. Scott laughs loudly, pointing at Cade. “I knew it! You’re getting possessive!”
Cade pushes him good-naturedly. “Have some respect—she’s going to think we’re all animals!”
I’m laughing as I leave the barn. This has been a good night. I hear Ayden yell to me, “Hey, Mattie, do you have a request for Saturday night?”
I look over; they are all looking at me expectantly. “How about a Beatles song?”
Cade says, “Which one?”
“I don’t care—I love them all!” I respond.
Cade smiles. “I know just the one.”
I thought when I relocated to Washington that it would take me a long time to build up my business again. This is the one time I’m glad that I was wrong. I changed the name of my graphic-design business from Sedona Graphic Design to Islander Graphics. I advertised in the local phone directory, changed my web page, and took out an ad in both the Mercer Island Reporter and the Mercer Island Patch. The business started trickling in right away. The first few weeks I was steadily busy, and then I was slammed. I’m actually having to turn work away now.
My goal has always been to really focus my attention on the clients I have. It’s important to me to make sure they have a product they can be proud of. I’ve always loved the creative side of my job. It lets me express myself in such a positive way. I think that’s why I enjoy watching Cade’s band so much. It’s a different sort of creativity, but it’s also similar.
It’s Friday, and I haven’t heard from Cade since rehearsal on Wednesday. I realize that Thursday was the only day since we’ve met that we didn’t talk at least once. Why am I even thinking about this? I tell myself to get a life and continue on with my workday. Today I’m designing a logo for a local preschool. It’s a child’s face blooming out of a flower. I really like it. I’ve talked to the owner about her vision at length, and I think this will be perfect.
A ping on my phone interrupts my thoughts. I glance at it and notice I have a text from Cade: Just checking to make sure you’re making it to the show tomorrow. We’ve been practicing your song! I smile. I wonder which Beatles song he picked. There are so many to choose from.
I text back: Yep, save me a seat at the front. Ha ha! I’ll try to squish in past all your admirers .
Cade answers, I can get you a seat toward the back of the stage.
I’m trying to figure out if that’s what I want to do. Julianne and Sam can’t come this weekend, so I’m going solo anyway. That sounds great! I answer back.
He responds, I’ll look forward to it!
I text, Me too.
Saturday can’t come soon enough (again!). This is becoming a habit with me. Maybe if I go to enough shows, the excitement will wear off…Hmm, for some reason, I don’t think this strategy will work. I shake off my thoughts and get ready for the night. I’m just going to enjoy myself, listen to some great music, and have fun.
I decide to take a taxi to the nightclub. The idea of having a few drinks and walking to the parking lot alone isn’t something I want to do, especially on a Saturday night. The taxi drops me off right in front. I can hear the music—they’ve started to play already. I go to walk past the doorman, and he stops me. He says, “All full. No one else is getting in.” I didn’t even think about this.
Great—I’m all dressed up with no place to go. I contemplate just standing on the sidewalk so I can at least hear them, when I hear a familiar voice over the microphone. “Hey, Jerry, let her in—she’s with us.” Cade has spotted me at the door. The entire crowd turns to look at me. The women stationed faithfully at the front of the stage are staring daggers at me. I turn to Jerry; he gives me a nod.
Now I have to make the long walk from the nightclub’s entrance to stage left. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so uncomfortable. I give the crowd a pasted-on smile and make my way to the steps next to the stage. I’m blushing profusely. Scott gets up to give me another one of his hugs. He kisses me on the cheek and places me in a chair over to the side. Thank goodness—now the attention can go back to the group. I’m placed so I can look out at the audience. The women who have surrounded the front of the stage are looking at me like I have horns in my head. I start to wonder if anyone has ever sat onstage with them before. Well, I’m not actually on the stage—but I’m pretty darn close.
The music starts up again, and everyone is enjoying the show. I’m loving that I’m so close; I can feel the music vibrating through me. The only thing I would change is my position—I can’t see Cade’s face from my vantage point. I’m sitting in a chair over to the side of Scott. He’s a great drummer, and he enjoys every minute of it. He looks over at me every once in a while and gives me that great smile of his. I’m watching all the people dancing in front of the stage; it makes me want to dance again. There is a pause before the next song. Cade announces, “Hey, everyone, we’ve added another song to our repertoire. This is for my good friend.” He turns around and looks at me with a mischievous smile. Oh, I’m going to kill him! The girls in front look they are going to rush the stage and string me up.
I hear the chords of the first part of the song. I can’t place it. Then he starts singing. My heart stops. He’s singing “I’ve Just Seen a Face,” one of my all-time-favorite Beatles songs. How did he know? Oh, I love the words! They flow through me as his beautiful voice echoes through my body.
The pace of the song is really fast—I can tell he’s having a hard time keeping up with the verses. Mica leans over and starts singing with him. They’re totally messing up, and they are laughing and singing at the same time. The audience is loving it, and everyone helps out with the chorus. I can hear both men and women singing in unison: “Falling, yes, I am falling…and she keeps calling me back again.” It’s a riot! Everyone is having a blast. The song ends, and the audience shouts for more. Cade turns around again. “You like that one?” he questions. He doesn’t need an answer, because he can tell by just looking at my face. I’m beaming.
They guys are packing up all of their equipment. It looks like it might be a long process. I grab my cell phone to call for another taxi, when Cade walks over. “Dance with me?” he asks. After they finished playing, music was piped in through the speakers from a sound system in the back. Everyone is still dancing and having a good time.
“Sure,” I answer.
I haven’t danced in months, ever since—I stop the thought in its tracks. I’m not going to think about anything tonight. Nothing. Cade grabs my hand as we walk to the dance floor. The music has changed from a fast song to a slower, more romantic song, by the Lumineers. “I love this band!”
“Oh, is that right? What about us?” He laughs.
I give him a
shove. “You know you guys are great! You are now my favorite band.” I pause. “Hey, are you fishing?” He laughs and nods his head. Hard Reign is beyond great. He doesn’t need me to tell him.
Cade pulls me to the middle of the dance floor. He’s looking at me silently; there’s a question on his face. He’s holding me by my shoulders, looking from my eyes to my lips. I know I can’t go there, so I just grab on to him so we can dance. I just want to dance. We start to sway to the music. My body is pressed next to his. We fit so well together. Oh, this is wonderful. He smells so good—he’s wearing a musky cologne, mixed with an earthy sweat. The combination is exhilarating.
Cade has his hands on my back. They’re moving from my shoulders to my waist. I wonder if he knows what he’s doing to me. I’m holding on tight. I’m getting wrapped up in the moment. I feel lost, confused. All of my emotions are warring with one another. I know I need to move on. I know my love for Jeremy has me stuck. How do I stop loving him? Will I ever be able to move on? As I get to know Cade better, I can see a future with him. He’s funny, sweet, smart, talented, and sexy as hell, and I think he actually likes me! He’s everything a girl could want. I still can’t believe he’s single. I’ll have to get that story out of him one day.
The dance ends. I smile up at him; he gives my back a final rub, and he grabs my hand. “Come on, Mattie. I’ll take you home.”
“Really? I don’t want you to go out of your way.”
He answers, “My pleasure” and gives me his signature sexy grin.
We arrive back at my apartment. Cade insists he needs to see me to the door. I’m wondering if I should let him in for a bit. Do I trust myself? I’ve spent the night with him before, and nothing happened. But our relationship has changed since the first day we met.
I think back to the time we spent at the cabin. We had so many hours talking, just getting to know each other. It was like ten dates’ worth of “getting to know you” packed into two short days. We’ve come a long way since then. When we get to my door, I say, “Do you want to come in—you know, to talk?”
Cade is already striding past me. “Sure.” He plops down on my couch. “What you do want to talk about?”
I sit down next to him and say, “For starters, I’d like to know why you haven’t dedicated yourself to a music career professionally yet. I’m not just saying this to be nice, but you guys are really good—no, not good, you guys could be superstars, seriously.” I nod my head in earnest.
He gives me a guarded smile and says, “Actually, the guys have been pressuring me for a long time. I’m almost ready to cave and give it a shot, but something is holding me back. I’m not even sure what it is.”
I ask, “Do you think it’s all the travel you’ll have to do? Do you like travel?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t mind travel. That part could be fun. I love performing onstage. It’s a rush I don’t get with my day job.”
I laugh. “I know! I’d love to see you at your nerdy job!”
He looks thoughtful for a moment. “I think my engineering career is making me cautious about pursuing music full time. It took me five long years to finish college. I’m not sure I want to give it up.”
I agree with him but say, “Can’t you always go back if the music stuff doesn’t turn out the way you want?”
He smiles. “Good point.”
I ask, “There’s something else, right?”
He nods. “Yeah, I guess there is. It’s just that I really like my life right now. I’m just not sure I want to change things up. I have the best of both worlds.” He adds, “I’m also kinda falling for someone, you know—like the song?”
“Ha ha!” I say, trying to deflect him from the subject. Those butterflies are making another unwelcome appearance.
He leans over and whispers, “Do you still love him?”
I look him square in the face. I whisper back, “Yes” and then I start to cry. Ugh! I am so embarrassed; I am making a total fool out of myself once again.
He hugs me and says soothingly, “It’s okay, Mattie. I understand. Sometimes it can take a long time to get over something like that.”
“No!” I say. “I should be over it! I am so mad at myself! Why can’t I just move on? I’m sure Jeremy and Sarah have! There’re probably married by now!”
He looks at me and asks, “So you don’t know? You don’t know whatever became of them?”
“No, I stayed in Sedona for almost five months. I didn’t hear from either Jeremy or Sarah the entire time. I’m sure they were laughing at what a big fool I was.” I’m crying harder now.
Cade is trying to calm me down. “So, Mattie, you haven’t had any closure with this at all, have you? No wonder you’re stuck. You need closure.”
I look up at him. My head is on his shoulder; I have left tears and mascara stains on his shirt. Oh well, I can just add that to my humiliation. I shake my head. “I have closure in the worst form. I saw them together—in bed. I don’t think I need more closure than that!”
He disagrees. “Mattie, you need to know from both of them why they did it. Don’t you ever ask yourself why?”
“I guess so. I think I’m afraid to hear the answer, though.”
I’m hanging onto Cade for dear life. I don’t want these memories. I’m so sad. I look up at him. He’s looking down at me with a sympathetic expression on his face. “Everything’s going to be okay.” He looks at my lips again, back to my eyes. If I lean forward just an inch, our lips will touch.
I whisper to him, “Do you want to kiss me?”
He looks at me, hesitates, and moves closer; our lips are almost touching. I can feel his warm breath on my face. He moves back quickly and groans. “Not yet, Mattie.”
Once again, I feel humiliation pour over me. I am basically throwing myself at him, and I’m being rejected. Just great—this will do wonders for my already pummeled ego. He looks at my expression. “It’s not what you think. Sure, if you were just any girl, I’d go ahead and take what you offered me. Not with you, Mattie. With you I want everything, not just a part of you. Once Jeremy is out of your heart, I’ll be ready and waiting.”
Oh, I think I’m getting it. “Okay, so how about you shove him out for me?”
He laughs. “No, Mattie. You need to do that for yourself.” He gives me another hug and leaves. I’m left thinking about closure.
Chapter 32
August
Mattie
The weeks go by in a pleasant rush. I’m very busy with my new life. I’ve adopted somewhat of a routine. Mondays and Tuesdays I dedicate strictly to work. Wednesdays I go to Cade’s rehearsal. Thursdays I cook for Cade. (He told me he won’t eat otherwise. I don’t think it’s true, but it’s fun to try out new recipes.) Friday is my day to hang out and be lazy. I like to refer to it as my “free-choice day.” Sometimes I walk around the town, discovering new restaurants or shops.
One of my favorite hangouts is Island Books. It’s a beautiful, quaint little bookstore that reminds me of Meg Ryan’s in You’ve Got Mail. I can sit for hours in the comfy chairs scattered around the store, leisurely reading as I soak in the atmosphere. I love the smell and feel of a book in my hands.
Saturday, for the most part, has turned into Rock-and-Roll Night—I go to Cade’s shows, either by myself or with friends. I enjoy myself either way. Sunday is Walk Bear Day—Cade comes over and picks me up with Bear in tow.
It’s been nine months since the Event. I am healing, but not as fast as I’d like. Cade and I are having so much fun together. We laugh and talk and talk and talk. I don’t think I’ve met anyone who loves to talk more than Cade.
The sexual tension between us has been increasing steadily. We are both trying to ignore it, but every so often it creeps in. I’ve been very honest with Cade about my feelings. I’m very attracted to him, but we need to remain friends until I can find a way to get past Jeremy. I cringe inside when I consider the possibility that I might never get over Jeremy. I’m trying to pry him out of
my heart, but he remains firmly intact. My heart is so stubborn, and blind.
I head out to the Mercer Island Community Center to drop off the new logo I’ve designed for the preschool located there. The parking lot is almost full, and there are news vans parked everywhere. Hmm, I wonder what’s going on. I walk into the lobby, and a female news reporter notices me and pulls me aside.
She asks, “Can we get your input on the proposition to toll I-90?” Oh, I know this issue well. Ever since I moved here, people have been talking about it. Apparently, the legislature and the Department of Transportation are considering putting a toll on both bridges on and off Mercer Island to pay for another bridge, built on the other side of the lake. If this proposition passes, it means everyone who lives on Mercer Island will have to pay a toll to get onto or off the island. It’s ridiculous. I can’t believe the higher-ups even thought about this as a possible solution to whatever budget shortfall they have. It’s a political issue that doesn’t make any sense at all. It has everyone who lives on Mercer Island very upset, including me.
I decide to go on camera and speak about the issue. I love my adopted city, and if they decide to implement tolling, it would be a hardship for so many who live here. I’m a little nervous, but I forge ahead. I tell the reporter about how the tolling will affect senior citizens who are living on a budget. I also explain to her how businesses will suffer (who would want to pay a toll to visit a business on Mercer Island when they can shop elsewhere for free?).
I find myself talking very passionately about every issue surrounding this topic. I feel like I’ve made a lot of good points—I’m relieved. I’m glad I could represent all the nice people who live here.
I make plans to get home fast so I can TiVo the station that will be airing my interview later today. I wonder nervously how many people will see it.
