You could argue that unfortunate hair choices span across the vampire classifications, but it truly seems to make its most awful mark on the Romantics, a fact noticed, perhaps, because they’re otherwise so perfectly groomed. Even the poor vampire souls doomed to a life with the exact same cut they had when they were sired contribute to the terrible hair phenomenon.
HOME SWEET COFFIN AND OTHER HANGOUTS: HABITAT
Residence
Romantic Vampires usually have the most “human-friendly” abodes. This is a species on the lookout for love, and even if they live in a crypt or run-down shack, the interior will be more than comfortable. Most prefer a classic style with antiquities from their past surrounding them for comfort. The popular image of a swanky bachelor pad with red walls, velvet furniture, and an overly seductive gothic style is more media hype than reality. But as far as specific locations that appeal to the amorous vampires, this type could appear in various real estate situations and even have roommates.28
Proper etiquette when entering a Romantic Vampire’s home is not to look for a coffin. Visitors shouldn’t inquire as to its existence or ask to actually see it; both questions are considered very forward. In fact, many vampires have evolved past the “security blanket” of a coffin. If a particular vampire is not dependent on certain ground or a pine box, he will retreat to a comfy bed. Still, the C-word is a delicate subject for all vampires, especially those trying to cavort among the living. No one can be truly sure whether the vampire in question still sleeps in the traditional wooden box or bed, so it’s best to keep one’s mouth zipped about the matter at hand.
Should a vampire trade bedclothes for the traditional coffin, expect it to be just as comfortable as a bed in a box, but still simple. Vampires are often pulled into a dark slumber, so fitting one’s coffin with TVs, stereos, and nightlights is considered frivolous at best.
If you are one of the few living beings who actually gets to view the private and locked-away coffin resting place of a Romantic Vampire, consider yourself lucky: You are obviously close enough to an immortal who not only trusts you but hasn’t killed you. (Luckily, you won’t have to sleep in there, as even Romantic Vamps aren’t particularly keen on sharing something as intimate as a coffin.)
Haunts
The undead world’s eternal lover is surprisingly easy to spot if you know where to go. Don’t waste your time on something as obvious as a “vampire bar”29—nothing turns off an immortal Romantic faster than poseur vamps.
Instead, check out cultural festivities on the cusp of society: rock concerts, hidden bars, cozy cafés, and other small venues. Think small, intimate, and cutting edge. Most Romantic Vampires have had decades to cultivate a specific taste for talent, so they know what will be the next big wave in art, literature, and music, and they flock to things of beauty like moths to a flame. Plus these are great places to meet others, and what’s sexier than running into a hundred-year-old expert on something you share an interest in?
On that same note, should the artist in question retain any of these physical traits and possess a moody demeanor, you may want to ask him how old he is. The common attitude and embrace of an avant-garde lifestyle allows the casual vampire to slip in every once in a while.
WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW CAN HURT YOU: UNSEEN ABILITIES
Heightened Senses
Like most creatures of the night, the Romantic Vampires are blessed with supremely acute senses. In fact, many vamps going through a Romantic lifestyle change use these abilities in more new and interesting ways than other classes do. No more stalking your prey with your excellent senses in the middle of the woods—now they can use their skills to stalk the perfect companion at a local haunt. Before you’ve even ordered a drink, Romantic Vampires are aware if you need something refreshing or warm by sensing your body temperature. They can hear what you’re murmuring to your friends and see your cheeks fill with blood when your eyes meet. The application of the heightened senses makes the social hunter completely prepared to meet your every whim. This, in turn, makes Romantic Vampires appear beyond perfect and exceptionally considerate, which is exactly what they want you to think.
Remember, just about everything is a scam to get you to be their new love slave or companion. The things you may consider advantageous upon a new encounter will later come back to bite you in the rear. Imagine having a companion who can track your every desire, even when you don’t want him to—annoying is hardly the word when you’re deflecting a full-blown jealousy attack for merely blushing at a stranger’s compliment.
Pheromones
Like humans, vampires are capable of emitting a smell that will attract and allure others to their side. Should you get a nose full of undead Romantic Vamp pheromones, remain calm; step away and take deep breaths. By all means, resist the urge to dance with the pale creature giving you bedroom eyes from across that room. Dancing with Romantic Vampires is the ultimate act of seductive intimacy, yet they never seem to take into consideration their desired conquest’s feelings on the matter. The pursuer will delight in making you his musical puppet, picking you up and twirling you around, or, worse, busting out a full-fledged choreographed dance-off in the middle of your high school prom. In fact, should you know there is a vampire after you, it’s best to avoid any sort of location where dancing will take place unless you want to become the unwilling pawn in a synchronized disco dance-off. There are multiple documentations of this happening, and it never looks as good as you think it does from the outside.30
It’s with good self-awareness that Buffy’s Angel claims he “doesn’t dance,” as nine out of ten vampires fail at the act, and the exceptions end up looking like blood-covered fools gyrating to Pump Panel Reconstruction’s “Confusion” (or as it’s better known, the bloodbath club scene from Blade).
On the flip side, you should never watch a vampire dance, as it involves a deadly combination of vampiric pheromone release, eye contact, and subtle mind control. Should a vampire begin to dance in front of you, look away or else you’ll be a helpless lapdog lover to a vampire looking for some extra attention or perhaps a snack. Female vampires, both Villainous and good natured, are notorious for the intoxicating dance of seduction.31
Mind Control
The ability to control or read a mortal’s thoughts varies from vampire to vampire. But with amorous vampires specifically, you won’t be witnessing a Hammer Films display of mind control. In fact most Romantics are loath to use the forceful mind freeze over a person because there’s no thrill in it. The real issue with Hemophage romanorum’s mind-control powers comes when dealing with a human’s enhanced connections to telekinesis.
A person’s ability to read the thoughts of others or to block outsiders from reading his mind is a hot draw for Romantic Vampires. Vampires looking for a mate often tire of the basic human mind, and searching for something new can take centuries. When a member of the undead happens upon someone with the power to read or block minds, there can be an immediate attraction.32
It would seem that Romantic Vampires aren’t so worried about possessing the mind of a human; rather they are more attracted to those unique minds that can challenge their lives or alter their experiences with the human world. Also, charming vamps on the lookout for affection hardly need to tap into mind control when they have so many other assets going for them.
If for whatever reason you find yourself joined in mind with a Romantic Vampire, expect it to be a very invasive experience. These types of vamps hold a lot of pride in their chosen alternative lifestyle and overall restraint while consorting so closely with humans. If you present a challenge to them, especially in a matching of wits, they will not stop until they’re satisfied. Exceptional differences such as telekinesis will draw out a lot of curious vamps looking for a new thrill.
Shape-Shifting
Some specific breeds of the Romantics do possess the ability to shape-shift. Anytime you see a young lady dancing in a cloud of mist, chances are the mist is a Romantic Vampire in gaseou
s form. Seven out of ten reports of a wolf “miraculously escaping the zoo” are actually careless Romantic Vamps who let themselves be seen trotting through city streets still in animal form.
The Romantic will change form only in a manner that aids in seduction. If it’s a fanged and winged rat attacking your hair, or a mass of insects scuttling about on the floor, you’re not dealing with a Romantic Vamp.
STAKE HIS HEART OR BREAK IT? ROMANTIC VAMPIRE BEHAVIOR
Even with all their overly passionate flaws, Romantic Vampires love with all of their being. If they don’t become borderline obsessive, there’s a chance for a true and long relationship, provided they never lash out and eat you for lunch. But if they did, it’s certain they’d feel awful about it the next day.
VAMPIRES AND HOMOSEXUALITY
Vampires are a forward-thinking and tolerant species, and the homosexual lifestyle was embraced within the vampire community centuries ago. The vampire that broke down the coffin door for the rest of the gay vampiric world is the legendry Carmilla from the novella of the same name by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu (inspired by Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s poem “Christabel”). In fact, “Carmilla,” published in 1872, was around before Dracula ever hit his popular stride.
The story introduced the world to the exceedingly beautiful and sexual female vampire whose victims were other women. This novella has inspired countless female vampire works and set the bar high for future leading vampire ladies.
Besides a few minor characters, like the sadly foppish Herbert who, in a bout of homoerotic slapstick, tries to seduce Roman Polanski’s Albert in Fearless Vampire Killers, it is Anne Rice who is known best for her questionably androgynous vampire characters, including Louis and Lestat. But Rice keeps the act of blood drinking more central in her vampire franchise than sexual acts of any nature.
Characters such as these have paved the way for vampiric love of any kind. It also opened the door to a lot of vampire sexploitation films, such as The Hunger, Vampire Ecstasy, and the cheeky Lesbian Vampire Killers.
WHAT TO DO IF APPROACHED
If you are chosen to be a Romantic Vampire’s companion, you’ll be approached with one thought and one thought only in mind: How can he have you immediately?
What the definition of have is remains to be seen. You could be getting seduced by a three-way happy vampire who needs your sexin’ to survive,33 or you could be romanced by a vampire who has soulmated with you and is ready to spend the rest of eternity together.34 Either way, nobody is getting out of this conversation without stepping into a big pile of vampire intensity.
If you are singled out by a Romantic Vampire seeking sexual or spiritual sacrifice, the best way to stave off these advances is to feign or just show indifference. Politely ignoring their advances is the best way to exit out of a vampire meet-and-greet when he’s launched into a long, passion-filled exposé about his feelings.
Warning: Do not say you are with another vampire, as this will only make things much worse. Jealousy is like gasoline on a fire to Romantic Vampires. Don’t play the jealousy card unless you have the goods to back it up. Even then, it’s usually not worth it.
If the honest approach doesn’t work, feigning or showing annoyance is the best way to leave unscarred. Turn the emotional tables on them, talk about your feelings, rant; these vampires are anything if not polite and hate to have inconvenienced you. Additionally, appearing whiny and self-absorbed knocks you off the perfection pedestal they’re trying to put you on; Romantic Vampires like to think they’re attracted only to the cream of the crop, not a garden-variety human.
ROMANTIC VAMPIRE ATTACK WARNING SIGNS
Should you find yourself in conversation with a vampire in love, know what to look for in case of trouble: • The baring of teeth, in a smile or frown (fanged or not fanged)
• If the vampire can’t stop laughing, but won’t share the joke
• All of a sudden your top’s off
• Feeling dizzy or lightheaded
• Eye contact has been switched to neck contact
• Stomach growls from the vamp
• A shaking hand (usually means his restraint is faltering)
• Lip licking without or before lip locking
If this tactic also fails, determine whether he is a daylight-sensitive vampire (see page 25) and keep the sunshine on your side, never meeting at night. You can kill most Romantic Vampires with a stake in the heart or decapitation, but this is a close-range attack method. It is in your best interest never to get super close to any vamp whom you deem a possible bite threat.
Crucifixes, holy water, and garlic are wholly unreliable and hard to depend on; it’s best to avoid a terrible scene and not take the risk of brandishing a worthless method of defense.
HEMOPHAGE ROMANORUM: KNOWN SPECIMENS
Known examples of the Romantic Vampire fall into a variety of subcategories. These include the following:
Obsessed and Compulsive
They may be cute, but when they meet someone they like, it’s all over. These vampires maintain a balancing act of stalker, monster, and devoted lover. Don’t get involved unless you’re ready to practically sign away your entire life. However, what this type lacks in independence, they make up for in the undead sack. No matter how you slice it, this vampire, once you get the chastity belt of morals out of the way, is undead dynamite in bed.
Known Specimens
Edward Cullen, Twilight
Bill Compton, the Southern Vampire Mysteries
Stefan Salvatore, The Vampire Diaries
Alex, Tale of a Vampire
In Love with Love
This particular vampire is more in love with the idea of a relationship and enjoys the contact high from the new lover more than the person herself. Don’t tether your heart to one of these vamps; they will leave you the second they become bored or think you rely on them. These lotharios, though good for a little fun, have little concern with mortal issues, so you may end up sacrificing a lot of your personal time thanks to one of their many mood-swingy ideas. Just remember: If you get swept up in the idea of journeying to Venice with your new vampire squeeze, make sure he doesn’t leave you there for another at the end of the night.
Known Specimens
Armand, The Vampire Chronicles
Marius, The Vampire Chronicles
Jean-Claude, the Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series
Eric Northman (when he has his memory), the Southern
Vampire Mysteries
Devoted and Disorderly
This troubled vampire soul usually comes from a rough past, which means lots of weighty issues for the two of you to work out together. Don’t worry; they usually do their best thinking on their backs. Still, this breed of Romantic is loyal but troubled. You’ll spend days trying to crack their hard outer shell after sifting through all the terrible things they’ve done in the past. This type of unruly love usually stems from deep passion and can awaken a whole lotta beast from your love that they thought they had buried years ago.
Known Specimens
Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Damon Salvatore, The Vampire Diaries
Lestat, The Vampire Chronicles
Looking for Love for All the Wrong Reasons
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be loved, unless that’s all you’re in a relationship for. There’s a whole branch of Romantic Vampires simply moping about looking for someone to fill the gaping void in their life brought on by murder, sadness, and self-hatred. These vampires can also get exceedingly clingy but are still good for a romp. They’re more interested in finding a mortal soul savior who can help them forgive themselves rather than a mate.
Known Specimens
Louis de Pointe du Lac, The Vampire Chronicles
Nick Knight, Forever Knight
Mitchell, Being Human
The Real Thing
The real deal. Love, trust, and understanding comes with these vampires. They may be a bit broken or rough around
the edges, but their heart is always in the right place, even if their fangs may not be. Sadly, this is the rarest type of Romantic Vampire.
Known Specimens
Esme Cullen, Twilight
Carlisle Cullen, Twilight
Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Mick St. John, Moonlight
Mae, Near Dark
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VILLAINOUS VAMPIRES
HEMOPHAGE SCELERATUS
I told you, I feed erratically, and often enormously.
—Max Schreck, Shadow of the Vampire
As the predominant scourge of the supernatural underworld, Villainous Vampires are a serious force to be reckoned with. Be they scantily clad or fully robed, this classification has one, and only one, thing in mind: blood—specifically yours.
Although many other hemophages struggle with controlling their bloodlust, this kind embraces their carnal desire, making them the most dangerous of all the classifications, but in turn their evolutionary aptitude for hunting also makes them one of the most interesting species. This group’s dissimilation from society has allowed them to grow uniquely as a specific type of hunter. Various vamps have even stopped evolving all together in certain areas where other types have flourished (for example, a few Villainous Vamps no longer have the ability to grow hair because blending in with society isn’t an evolutionary priority to said vampire).
The most important things to remember when dealing with this class is that you are nothing more than a meal, and their evil-doing has long passed the mustache-twirling stereotypes from long ago (though don’t discount a bit of parlor room villainy antics). Never let your guard down around this type of vamp or you could be his next unwilling blood donor.
Vampire Taxonomy Page 4
