"Well, I thought if you sold your condo you might be interested in-"
"I could buy Janie's house!" cried Caroline.
Abby nodded. "Exactly. And if we knew you were going to buy it, maybe you could be involved in picking things like granite and paint colors and whatnot."
Caroline's eyes lit up. "Oh, do you know how cool that would be?"
Abby was getting excited. "It would be so fun to have you living in town."
"I wonder if I could afford it." Caroline frowned.
"If you sold your mom's place, you could put that money toward the house too. With three bedrooms you'd have enough room to have your mom with you if you liked."
"That's true." Caroline looked truly happy about the possibilities. "This feels as if it's meant to be. I can't believe it. I'm ready to move up here right now. How soon will the house be done?"
"It's hard to say. We've barely begun. But maybe while it's getting finished, you could live with Paul and me. We have a spare room."
"Seriously?" Caroline's eyes were wide with wonder. "You'd do that for me? You'd really let me crash with you?"
Abby chuckled. "Should you get obnoxious or demanding, we might be motivated to get the house done more quickly."
Caroline laughed as she threw her arms around Abby. "You are the best! Truly the best!"
All Abby had to do was break the news to Paul. This wouldn't be easy, since he could sometimes get territorial over his personal turf. Of course, she didn't need to tell him about this tonight, especially not when he seemed to be having a really good time getting to know Victor. Why spoil things?
Chapter 16
JANIE
For several hours Janie tossed and turned in the overly firm hotel bed. Finally she gave up on sleep altogether, gathered her things, and quietly checked out. It was barely three in the morning when she drove out of town. She was thankful for the darkness as well as the fog, because it was better not to see what she was leaving behind. Better not to think about it too.
To distract herself, as well as to stay awake, she turned on the radio and found a prerecorded talk show where "relationship expert" Dr. Karen was taking calls on the topic of lost loves. Janie almost switched the station, but the woman who'd called in sounded so desperate that Janie became intrigued.
"I can't seem to move on with my life," the woman was saying. "I try to do things to help me forget him, but it's impossible."
"What kind of things are you doing?"
"Oh, you know. Like shopping and-"
"Word of warning here: You might want to nix the shopping. I've seen brokenhearted women going into debt over a guy and, trust me, it's not worth it."
"Right. Sometimes I meet my single girlfriends for drinks, and before I know it, we're all getting down about how we've been hurt."
"Friends can be therapeutic sometimes. And an occasional pity party never hurt anyone, but on a regular basis, not so much. Keep in mind that some friends-you know the ones I mean, the kind who drag you down and make you feel hopeless-they can be toxic." Dr. Karen chuckled. "Not only that, but how appealing do you think a bunch of unhappy women appear to a guy who might be casually checking them out?"
"Not so much?"
"You got that right."
"So what should I do?"
"I know it sounds trite to say time heals all wounds, and that's not always true, anyway. Tell me, how long has it been since you broke up?"
"Six years next month."
"Oh." Dr. Karen sounded quite concerned now. "That's a pretty long time to be feeling so blue. Have you dated anyone at all since the breakup?"
"No."
"Well, maybe that's what you need to do. Just get back into the game.
"But how? How can I do that when all I can think about is, uh, my ex?"
"For starters you just need to jump in. And you need to give yourself permission to go out with a guy who might not even be that interesting. Don't sit around and wait for Mr. Perfect, if you know what I mean."
"I don't even know any Mr. Perfect. Well, except for-"
"Yes, I know, your ex. But you need to understand something. If your ex was really Mr. Perfect, you would still be together. In other words, he was not Mr. Perfect. Not for you anyway. And while we're on the subject, there really is no Mr. Perfect. For all you women out there listening, you know who you are, you think you're waiting for Mr. Perfect to come along, perhaps even on a white horse." She laughed. "Well, you might want to think again."
"I suppose." But she didn't sound convinced.
"Think about it, you've let six years slip by, and I don't know your age, but six years is six years, and you've been sitting around waiting for what?"
"For him to come back to me?"
"Which you know is not going to happen. You already told me he's engaged to someone else."
"Right."
"So six years have passed and-"
"Almost six years."
"Fine. Almost six years. Now I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but six years is a good-sized chunk of your life, and if you're like me and everyone else, you're not getting any younger."
"I know." The poor woman sounded really depressed. Janie wondered why Dr. Karen was being so hard on her.
"The question is, do you really want a relationship or not?"
"I do. That's why I called you."
"But you want a relationship with someone who's not in the game anymore. I want to know if you're willing to try a relationship with someone else."
"If it was the right someone. I think so."
"Well, if you're not out there dating, how will you find out if the right someone is even around?"
"I don't know."
"It's possible you've already let the right someone walk right past you."
"Oh, no. I don't think so."
"But you don't know, do you?"
"I guess not."
"You've got to get back in there." Dr. Karen sounded like she was wrapping this up. "You've got to start dating again. Meet guys and take risks by getting to know them. Otherwise you'll be sitting there six years from now, and you'll be more stuck than ever. And, trust me, the next six years will go by even faster than the last six."
"Okay."
"So you're going to do it?"
"I guess so."
Janie turned off the radio. Her guess, judging by the woman's voice, was that she wasn't going to take Dr. Karen's advice. As obnoxious as the relationship doctor sounded, she might've been right. Janie didn't see herself in that same situation, but if she was-if she allowed six years to pass without dating a single guy-well, perhaps it would simply be because she decided to remain single.
Janie had believed that she would remain single after Phil died. She had even told him as much, many times, in the late stages of his illness.
"No," he'd told her. "You will find someone eventually. You're not the kind of woman who should live out her life alone."
"Why not?" She'd been indignant. "Are you saying I'm not independent?"
"Not at all. You are absolutely independent, darling. You always have been. Stubborn, smart, independent. All reasons why you should have a man in your life. But he needs to be the right kind of man."
"You mean someone like you," she had teased. "Well, we all know that God broke the mold after he made you."
"Not someone just like me," he'd told her. "But someone who's patient and kind. A good man."
Too choked up, she had been unable to respond after that. Phil was all of those things and more. He was patient and kind and understanding and wise. He was truly a good man. Everyone who knew him said so. She knew now as she knew then that there would never be another one like him.
She turned the radio back on. This time she wanted a music station, so she searched around until she found one that played the oldies. She'd never been into music as a teen. Most geeks probably weren't. But she wished she knew the lyrics to some of these old tunes. It would be fun to sing more than just the chorus to "American Pie." During the reun
ion she'd heard Caroline and some of the others breaking out into old songs that everyone seemed to know, and yet Janie had just sat there like a dummy.
Really, she told herself as she turned on cruise control, she had never fit into that crowd of kids. Not back in high school and not now. This past week it had been fun imagining that she was finally accepted for who she was, although her designer clothes and fancy shoes had probably helped even more than she realized. But she wasn't really one of them. Despite this cloak of sadness that seemed to be going with her, it was probably just as well that she was on her way home.
Once she got back into her routine at work and caught up on sleep, she would probably laugh at her silliness for feeling so blue just now. Maybe Matthew would find a way to visit her after all. And Lisa. Janie didn't really want to think about Lisa right now. That was too much sadness for one dark night.
Instead she cranked up the radio and tried to listen to the lyrics, attempting to imprint them on her mind, hoping that someday she might be able to sing along with them after all.
Janie turned in the rental car, checked her bags, got her boarding pass, and went through security with plenty of time to spare. To stretch her legs, she walked up and down the terminal and finally stopped long enough to eat not just a bagel, but some eggs as well. Abby would've been proud of her. Then as she was lingering over coffee, her cell phone rang. Expecting someone from work, she answered it without checking the caller ID. To her surprise, it was Victor.
"I hope I'm not bothering you," he said, "but I just wanted to make sure you made it to Portland okay."
"That's thoughtful of you." She closed the New York Times that she'd been attempting to focus on, then confessed to leaving even earlier than planned. "I just couldn't sleep, so I thought I might as well drive."
"That probably helped you to miss some of the traffic, too," he said.
"Yes. It was pretty quiet when I drove through the city."
"Are you happy to be on your way home?"
She paused to consider this. Rather than giving him a pat answer, she decided to be honest. "I'm not sure."
"Well, you'll probably think I sound crazy, but I miss you already."
She really didn't know what to say.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."
"No, no, it's okay."
"Did you see the sunrise this morning?" he asked, as if to change the subject. "The sky was totally pink."
"Uh-oh." She made a tsk-tsk sound. "You know what that means. Red sky at night, sailor's delight, red sky at morning-"
"Sailor take warning," he finished. "But I've never been sure if that was a West Coast thing or an East Coast thing or both."
"Hmm. That's a good question. Maybe you should do some investigating."
He chuckled. "Yes, you're probably thinking that should be easy, since I don't have too much else to keep me busy."
"I didn't mean it like that."
"But I'll defend my position," he said in friendly banter. "Nothing wrong with taking time to figure out your life and make sure you really like where your life is going. I mean, it's better to do it now than when it's too late."
"Ooh, was that aimed at me?"
"If the shoe fits."
She looked down at her sensible Cole Haan black loafers, her favorite traveling shoes. "Right now I just need to figure out how I'm going to get all the work done before next Wednesday's court case."
"Hey, am I keeping you from working?"
She looked down at her briefcase, where her laptop was still securely in her bag. And then she decided to lie. "Actually, yes."
"I'm sorry. You should've told me sooner."
"Well, it was nice hearing your voice."
"Yours, too. And I'm glad you made it to the airport all right. Travel safe, okay?"
"Thanks." Then, as soon as she said good-bye, she reached for her laptop, opening it up with the intention of making her unexplainable lie at least partially true. For some reason she did not like knowing that she'd lied to him. Victor was a good man. And the fact that he was bothered her.
Chapter 17
MARLEY
"Are you okay, Mom?" Ashton sounded concerned.
Marley pushed some clutter from her sofa and sat down. "I guess so." Now she questioned herself-why had she called her son like this? What did she really expect he was going to tell her?
"You don't sound okay."
"I suppose I'm a little down." She put her feet on the coffee table and leaned back.
"Was it your reunion?" he asked gently. "Did something bad happen?"
So she told him about Cathy's sudden death on the dance floor.
"Oh-mi-gosh!"
"It was shocking and sad."
"Good grief, no wonder you're depressed. I'm sorry, Mom."
"But it was more than that."
"What?" he sounded curious. "Let me guess, you ran into an old boyfriend, and not only is he happily married, but his wife is drop-dead gorgeous?"
She tried to laugh. "Not exactly."
"An old girlfriend who confessed that she's always been in love with you?"
This time her laugh was genuine. "That's closer."
"Seriously?"
She told him about the Four Lindas and how great it had been to be with them. "Not that there was anything romantic going on. But thanks for asking."
He chuckled. "That's wild, Mom. I never heard you mention other friends named Linda before."
"Because I haven't been in touch with them for decades."
"But I don't get why that's making you sad."
"I guess I was sad to say good-bye."
"Oh yeah, I get it."
"And then I came home to Seattle, and I just feel all out of sorts. Like something is wrong with my life. And even though we're having a big show this weekend at the gallery, I honestly couldn't care less."
"That is bad. Which artist?"
"Georgia Martini." Her voice was void of enthusiasm.
"And you're not excited? Georgia's art is fabulous. I can't believe Kevin finally lured her in."
"Speaking of Kevin. I think he'd like to lure me out."
"Oh, Mom, you know Kevin loves you. He's like family."
It was true that she'd known Kevin forever. In fact, at one time John had blamed Kevin for Ashton's coming out of the closet. She'd even agreed for a time, although she knew now that their emotions at the time had nothing to do with Kevin. But for a while, and to her current shame, she followed John's lead by treating Kevin pretty much like an infidel. It wasn't until Ashton assured her that he'd felt "different" since early childhood, and that Kevin had absolutely nothing to do with it, that Marley was able to let go of her suspicions. And after the divorce, who was the first old friend to reach out to her and offer a job? Kevin, of course.
"Yes," she admitted. "You're right, Ashton. I suppose I'm simply jealous of Warren."
"Warren?" Ashton chuckled. "Don't tell me you're crushing on Kevin now."
"No, that's not it. But apparently Warren has been getting help for his phobia stuff, and Kevin thinks he wants to come help out in the gallery."
"That would be good for him."
"Good for him. Maybe not so good for me."
"So is that why you sound so bummed?"
"I don't know." She sighed.
"Because, no offense, Mom, but I never thought that working in the gallery was going to be your final career choice."
"No. I took the job to buy time until I figured out what I wanted to be when I grow up."
"What about your art?"
She glanced at several finished but never-shown paintings leaning against the wall. Her art materials were gathering dust. "I'm uninspired."
"Maybe it's because you need a change. Maybe you need to shake things up."
She thought about this. About the mouths of babes. Well, at thirty, Ashton wasn't exactly a child anymore. "You might be right."
"Maybe it's time for your gig at the gallery to come to an end."
"You know what I'd really like to do?" she said.
"What?"
"I want to move back to Clifden."
"Seriously?"
"I know, it's crazy."
"No, not at all. Clifden is a great little town. And it's only about an hour from where I live. I think it's a very cool idea, Mom."
"I don't know. I've lived in Seattle for so long. And moving, well, it's probably-"
"Why are you always second-guessing yourself, Mom?" Ashton's voice was tinged with impatience.
"Good question." She sighed.
"I remember how you said your confidence was coming back. I mean after the divorce. You told me how you were going to reinvent your life and do art and all kinds of things. But you moved into that pathetic little apartment and went to work for Kevin. It's like you got stuck. No wonder you're depressed."
"You're right."
"I'm sorry to speak so bluntly, Mom, but maybe you need someone to call a spade a spade. Maybe that's why you called me-to tell it like it is."
"Thanks, Ashton. And I apologize for dumping on you like this. Really, I don't know what's wrong with me. I suppose I'm lonely." It was time to change the subject. "So tell me, how's Leo doing?"
"He's great. By the way we're doing a concert the Sunday of Labor Day weekend."
"Wish I could come."
"Why don't you?"
She considered this. Eugene was about a six-hour drive away, so it wasn't exactly convenient. "I'll think about it. And how's the business?" She still found it hard to believe that Ashton and Leo supported themselves by making drums, of all things.
"It's growing. Leo just got our Web site arranged so we can sell instruments online now. We think that's going to take us to the next level. We'll probably have to hire a couple more guys before long."
"Good for you."
"Speaking of work, Leo and I need to get moving. Thursday night is drum workshop night."
"Tell Leo hi for me."
"Tell Kevin and Warren hi. And have fun at the showing this weekend."
"Thanks."
"And think about what I said, Mom."
"I will, Ashton. Thanks."
That afternoon, Marley dressed carefully for the opening of the fourday show. Then, to bolster her spirits even more, she layered on the jewelry, including some beaded pieces that she had made herself. She took time with her hair and makeup, and when she left her apartment, she told herself that life was good, that this evening would be fun, and that lots of people would be thrilled to have her life.
As Young As We Feel Page 13
