by Neil LaBute
They share a long silence.
DARRELL
’S pretty trippy. Really—
RICH
Yep.
DARRELL
Six bucks, huh? Both of ’em?
RICH
Something like that.
DARRELL
That’s wild. (BEAT) I gotta go, but I’ll see ya—
RICH
Yep. Sorry ’bout the cash.
DARRELL
Uh-huh. So long, Rich.
DARRELL exits. Once he is gone, RICH reaches deep into a pant pocket, producing a wad of cash. He reaches for his wallet, slowly stuffing the bills into a side flap.
RICH (to himself)
—fucking kite must’ve been up half a mile, I’ll bet.
THE PET STORE
Walls of fish, cages of cats and dogs. Stacks of supplies. A bit dirty. A poster announces BABY CHIMP IN STORE SATURDAY!
DARRELL and TIM stand near the puppy cage, looking in. An EMPLOYEE leans to one side, a broom in one hand.
DARRELL
—fucking mongrels, huh?
TIM
Yeah.
DARRELL
Slobber all over ya, hump the leg ’a every guest you got at your house.
EMPLOYEE
Only the guy dogs—
DARRELL
Yeah, but who wants a bitch, right?
They all share a quick laugh. TIM checks DARRELL’s watch.
Thought ’a getting one for my girlfriend, it’s her birthday.
EMPLOYEE
Good idea.
DARRELL
I thought so. (BEAT) Put me into a puppy for, like, what? Ten bucks—
EMPLOYEE
Sounds reasonable. (BEAT) . . . so, you guys go to Washington, right?
DARRELL
Uh-huh. Fucking Washington High.
TIM
Juniors.
EMPLOYEE
Cool. (BEAT) I used to hang with some guy went to Washington—
DARRELL
’S what I heard. That one chick—
EMPLOYEE
Right.
DARRELL
Lucky you. Place’s full ’a dumbshits, most of ’em. Stupid fucking freaks.
DARRELL looks at TIM, who turns and busies himself with a cat toy.
EMPLOYEE
He was this black dude. Guy I know. Played ball for Washington—
DARRELL
Oh, wow, a black dude who played fucking “ball,” huh? What a surprise—
EMPLOYEE
Right! (laughs) Exactly.
DARRELL
—he also a pretty good dancer?
EMPLOYEE
No doubt! I do not doubt it—
TIM
Get into hip-hop at all?
EMPLOYEE
I bet he does—
DARRELL
Fuck them . . . rhythm out their fucking asses. Don’t do ’em a speck ’a good.
EMPLOYEE
True.
DARRELL looks around the store. Quiet tonight. TIM checks DARRELL’s watch again.
DARRELL
The fuck you doing?!
TIM
Nothing, just—
DARRELL
Wanna hold my hand, just ask me—
TIM
Faggot.
DARRELL
Hey, you’re the one feeling me up!
TIM
Trying to see the—
DARRELL
’S quarter to. What’s up?
TIM
Oh man, I better get going—
DARRELL
“Going?”
TIM
Yeah, I said already . . . gotta get over to work. ’Member? I’m supposed to help out tonight—
DARRELL
No. You never said that.
TIM
I did, too.
DARRELL
Nope, uh-uh. When?
EMPLOYEE
We’re closing up in fifteen, so—
With that, the EMPLOYEE begins to halfheartedly sweep up.
DARRELL
Hold on a sec’. (to TIM) I don’t recall you saying that—
TIM
Thursday night. We always, ahh, they like to rotate the vats with fresh—
DARRELL
Hey, don’t get all Einstein on me . . . the fuck does that mean? “Vats?”
TIM
In the fryers. Big cooking things we got.
DARRELL
So?
TIM
Before the weekend they prefer to drop in all new oil . . . ’s just routine.
DARRELL
Fussy little fuckers, ain’t they?
TIM
Yeah. ’S, like, practically a religion or something with these guys—
DARRELL stands there sizing TIM up, not sure he believes him.
DARRELL
Huh. So, you want me to swing by later?
TIM
Ummm, you know . . . don’t know how long I’m gonna—
DARRELL
After, then? Wanna call me or . . .?
TIM
Could. Sure, if you . . . (yawns) Kinda tired, though.
DARRELL
Hey, not your fucking spouse, okay, don’t gotta make up stories to cover your ass. Just say “no.”
TIM
No, I can hang later if . . . I just gotta work on that History thing. The timeline.
DARRELL (laughing)
Fuck, okay, Tim, I get it. See ya in the A.M.
(TIM nods and starts off, but he is stopped by DARRELL.)
Tim?
TIM
Yeah?
DARRELL
—where’s your uniform?
TIM
Huh?
DARRELL
That polyester piece ’a shit they force on you. I don’t see it.
TIM
No, I—
DARRELL
I know it ain’t a pride issue ’cause you wear the fucker to school sometimes, so . . . where is it?
TIM
I don’t have it.
DARRELL
How come? I mean, since you’re going to work and all.
TIM
—just ’cause.
DARRELL
Nice comeback. Where is it?
TIM
Home. Only doing street clothes tonight, ’cause I’m not out front at all.
DARRELL
Oh.
TIM
Serious.
DARRELL
Fine. (BEAT) And you wouldn’t be just, like, ditching me or anything? Right?
TIM
No. Fuck no, I mean—
DARRELL
So, I mean, if I swing past there later, just a check-in, you can toss me some eggrolls out the back door, no problem. Right?
TIM
—yeah.
DARRELL
Good, then. So get the fuck gone.
TIM
See ya. (BEAT) Hope you find something good, for, you know—
DARRELL
Yeah. I know.
TIM
Later.
DARRELL
Whatever.
TIM exits off into the mall. DARRELL watches him go, checking his watch. The EMPLOYEE makes his way back to the counter.
Okay I smoke in here?
EMPLOYEE (looking around)
—yeah, just open the back door there.
DARRELL
Thanks. (firing up) So, who’s this guy, anyway, dude you know. What’s the big deal?
EMPLOYEE
No biggie—
DARRELL
Yeah?
EMPLOYEE
Nope.
DARRELL
So how come that one chick sent me over here to see ya? What’s up?
EMPLOYEE
Nothing. Her idea.
DARRELL
Oh.
EMPLOYEE
She’s my cousin. Sorta.
DARRELL
Yeah?
&nb
sp; EMPLOYEE
Uh-huh. (BEAT) Pretty cute for a cousin, right?
DARRELL
Pretty fucking cute for anybody.
EMPLOYEE
Exactly. Said I should talk to you.
DARRELL
Yeah, but . . . why?
EMPLOYEE
A girl. Girl I saw in here the other day, I was having lunch with my cousin. Before work.
DARRELL
Yeah, and?
EMPLOYEE
Nothing. I just saw her. (BEAT) I got transferred over to this store ’bout five weeks ago, so—
DARRELL
Fucking fascinating—
EMPLOYEE
Anyhow, ’s your girlfriend, I guess.
DARRELL
Oh.
EMPLOYEE
My cousin spotted her, said they went to school together, and I recognized her.
DARRELL
You know Jenn?
EMPLOYEE
Yeah. I mean . . . not “know” her, but you know. Seen her before. Sorta.
DARRELL
Huh. From where?
EMPLOYEE
This guy, guy I was talking about just now. The ballplayer. Through him.
DARRELL
—really?
EMPLOYEE
Yeah, he was with her. Well, not “with,” but—
DARRELL
What? When was this?
EMPLOYEE
Ummm, I dunno . . . the summer before last, maybe. Yeah. ’Bout then.
DARRELL (thinking it through)
’Kay. (BEAT) . . . huh.
EMPLOYEE
We were hanging out, him and me, and so I’d see him at parties and shit—
DARRELL
Right, right. And?
EMPLOYEE
Hey . . . you sure you wanna hear all this shit? I mean, she said you would, my cousin did, but you seem—
DARRELL
No, fuck yeah, not a problem.
EMPLOYEE
You sure?
DARRELL
Absolutely. Totally. If it’s about her, I mean—
EMPLOYEE
It is, yeah, definitely is.
DARRELL
Then cool. (BEAT) ’S before we were dating, anyway, so, just curious—
EMPLOYEE
Oh. (BEAT) Really? That’s . . . I thought my cousin said you guys had been going out for—
DARRELL (trying to bluff)
Nah, what, two summers ago? That was, no, I was at my Dad’s, so way before we ever hooked up. Definitely.
EMPLOYEE
Huh. Well, whatever. (BEAT) Anyway—
DARRELL
Yeah, so, what else? I mean—
EMPLOYEE
I’d see him around, like I said. Downtown and at his place. No big thing.
DARRELL
Cool.
EMPLOYEE
—’cept for the videos. (laughs) Those were a little different.
DARRELL
You lost me.
EMPLOYEE
Tapes that this guy made, down his basement. Of girls ’n him. You know, doing shit—
DARRELL
“Tapes.”
EMPLOYEE
Yeah, he had this whole camera thing he’d rigged up—shit he stole, got from his dad, whatever it was—he fuckin’ films chicks all the time, this hole in the paneling. And she was one of ’em.
DARRELL
—what?
EMPLOYEE
Yeah. Took me a sec’ to realize it was her, but sure of it. Once I saw the face.
DARRELL
Huh.
EMPLOYEE
Yep.
DARRELL
—and, you, like, saw them? The videos, I mean.
EMPLOYEE
No, not all the time or anything, but every so often he’d pop one in—
DARRELL
Well, well—
EMPLOYEE
Pretty fucking hot—
DARRELL
Wow. So, doing stuff and whatnot?
EMPLOYEE
Yep.
DARRELL
—like?
EMPLOYEE
Just regular things. Mostly.
DARRELL
“Mostly?” ’S that mean?
EMPLOYEE
Well . . . every so often there’d be one a little off the path, right? They’d be right off the fucking beaten track in a few of ’em.
DARRELL
Such as?
EMPLOYEE
—ever had someone tongue your ass for ya? I mean, like, maple syrup outta there? Don’t mean to be rude, but . . . (BEAT) Anyway. Shit ’a that nature.
DARRELL
I see.
EMPLOYEE
Dude can get chicks to do some pretty off-the-wall shit, seriously.
DARRELL
I bet—
EMPLOYEE
Yep. And this one time, time I saw your girlfriend . . . well, just pretty fucking startling. Quite.
DARRELL
Uh-huh. What? Go ahead—
EMPLOYEE
’S only about ten minutes long or so, but . . . (BEAT) You sure you . . .?
(DARRELL slowly nods yes. The EMPLOYEE puts down his broom.)
Well, had no sex or whatever. No, yes, she does give him a little head, but . . . after that, right after, she sits up on the bed and kinda tilts back, like she’s, I dunno, almost waiting. And he’s pacing back and forth, kinda, you know, talking to himself. Then, outta nowhere, he justs turns on her and starts knocking the shit outta her. This guy does. In the stomach, punching her, maybe, twenty or thirty times. And hard! ’S a big dude and she’s gotta be, well, she’s bawling and everything, so no doubt it fucking hurt. But she takes it. Gets back up each time and let’s ’em do it again . . . well, then the tape ran out. Anyway, ’s pretty out-there—
DARRELL
He hit her? That’s all he did. Hit her.
EMPLOYEE
Yeah. That and the blow job, yeah. (BEAT) You okay?
DARRELL
—huh. (BEAT) Can you get me one?
EMPLOYEE
What? The tape . . . ?
DARRELL
Yeah.
EMPLOYEE
You smoking or what?! Fuck no, I told you, it’s the dude’s private stock. ’S a fucking serious customer, this guy—
DARRELL
Whatever.
EMPLOYEE
’S not, like, bootleg Pearl Jam footage, you know. Him fucking girls, and some underage shit at that. You’re outta luck on that one—
DARRELL
Just asking.
EMPLOYEE
Right, but, you do not wanna mess with him. Promise.
DARRELL
Not a big issue. Anyway, thanks . . . I’ll, uhhh, yeah.
EMPLOYEE
She said you’d wanna know, my cousin did, so I—
DARRELL
No problems. We’re cool—
EMPLOYEE
—hey, you gonna get a dog or what?
DARRELL
Ahhh . . . I’ll keep ya posted. Dunno.
EMPLOYEE
Whatever. We open at ten.
DARRELL wanders off. The EMPLOYEE turns back to his cleaning, running the broom across the floor where DARRELL once was.
THE LIVING ROOM
Same as before, maybe a bit messier. TV still on and loud. Today’s newspaper on the sofa.
DARRELL sits in a chair, looking straight ahead. CAMMIE is standing near SHARI, helping her into a coat. Baby cries in the other room.
CAMMIE
—fucking fits, huh?
SHARI
Yeah.
CAMMIE
Good. Used to wear this all the time. ’S cute.
SHARI
It is, you’re right.
CAMMIE
’Round the time I married your dad, I got this—
SHARI
Yeah? Well, I like the sleeves.
CAMMIE
Uh-huh
.
SHARI (to DARRELL)
How do I look?
DARRELL
Nice.
SHARI
Thanks.
CAMMIE
Shit, he don’t know! Halston came up and bit ’em on the ass, he wouldn’t know.
SHARI
He likes it, though.
CAMMIE
Wears fucking album covers on his clothes, so I wouldn’t put a bunch ’a stock in what Darrell thinks—
SHARI
Oh.
CAMMIE
Anyway, it’s okay. Looks good on you. Way it’s cut, shows off your butt—
SHARI
Not much ’a one.
CAMMIE
’S not bad. Filled out a little since the kid.
SHARI
Barely.
CAMMIE
Yeah, but a bit. Bit ’a something back there now—
SHARI
Thanks. You think?
CAMMIE
Shit yeah. Cute little ass! (slaps it) Even Darrell can see that much. Right? Darrell!
DARRELL
What?
CAMMIE
I said, “right”? Shari’s ass looks okay, don’t it?
DARRELL
Whatever.
CAMMIE
Shit. Moody little fucker . . . (to SHARI) Anyway, it does.
(Baby cries out loudly. SHARI looks toward the hall but CAMMIE waves her off as she yawns.)
Worry ’bout it. I’ll get ’em in a minute.
SHARI
Sure? I can—
CAMMIE
No, you two need to get going. Rich’s gonna be in here in a second, yelling and his usual show, so just go—
SHARI
’Kay. Thanks again.
CAMMIE
You bet.
SHARI
Won’t stay late.
CAMMIE
No, no . . . long as you want.
SHARI
I don’t like cars that much—
CAMMIE
Be nice, though. To get out. We saw ’em yesterday. Pretty spectacular.
A car horn blasts. SHARI turns and yells out the door.
SHARI
Comin’!
CAMMIE pushes a small wad of bills into SHARI’s hand. DARRELL notices this but says nothing, just laughs to himself.
CAMMIE
Tell Rich to stop and get you some burgers. You didn’t eat yet, did ya?
SHARI
No.
CAMMIE
All right, then.
SHARI
You got milk, right? I forgot formula—
CAMMIE
’S about a half gallon. I’m gonna run out later.
SHARI
And he’s got a little rash. I put some extra diapers in there . . . should be enough.
CAMMIE
Fine, no worries. Have some fun!
They hug briefly and then CAMMIE crosses out to the hall and exits. SHARI grabs her purse and heads for the door.
SHARI
—see ya, Darrell.
DARRELL
Yep.
SHARI
Have a good time tonight.
DARRELL
Thanks. You too.
SHARI
Yeah. (BEAT) You really think I look okay in this?
