To have that calm confidence back, that was what Taylor wanted.
She smiled at the memory, said, “Mmm, Mmm,” twice more for good measure, then took a deep breath and entered the house. The downstairs was deserted. Baldwin must still be up in his office.
The answering machine was blinking, so she grabbed the notepad they kept next to the phone and hit Play.
Three messages.
The first was from a reporter at Channel Four, after her for a comprehensive sit-down exclusive interview.
She deleted it before the girl stopped talking. No way, no how, was she going to do that.
The second was Dr. Benedict’s office, needing some arcane insurance detail. She wrote down the information and deleted the message.
The last one shook her.
A voice at once familiar and alien emanated from the speaker.
“Um, hi, Taylor. This is your dad. Listen, um, I’m getting out today. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. It’s early. Good behavior. This place has been getting crowded, so they sprang a few of us that weren’t considered a ‘threat to society.’ I’m heading down to Nashville and I thought that we could, I don’t know, talk. I’ll be at the house. Call me.”
He rattled off a number and the machine went dead.
Taylor stood frozen, staring at the phone as if it had sprouted a mouth and started talking. Win. Winthrop Thomas Stewart Jackson IV. Her illustrious father, getting out of the federal penitentiary early for good behavior? Son of a bitch. Really, this day was just getting better and better.
Barely able to contain her annoyance, Taylor wrote a note about her dad’s release and mounted the stairs. Baldwin was sitting at his desk, fingers flying over the keyboard. The widescreen monitor was on. She got a quick glance of what looked like a sumptuous office before Baldwin realized she was there and hit the screen saver. More secrets. She almost turned around, but she honestly couldn’t face the idea of her father alone.
“What’s up?” Baldwin asked, leaning back in his chair, all nonchalance.
She thrust the note at him. Baldwin read it, then simply stared at Taylor with his mouth open for half a second. Shaking his head, he pushed back from the desk.
“Wine. Food. Let’s go make dinner. The rest comes later.”
That sounded good to her.
Silent steps down into the kitchen. Baldwin disappeared into the basement for a few moments then returned with two bottles of wine.
“Zinfandel or Nero d’Avola?” he asked. She raised two fingers.
“Nero it is.” He popped the cork on the wine, inserted the aerator, poured them each a glass. She took a sip. The wine was rich and thick, and she felt herself relax a bit. She took her Ativan, let Baldwin see her do it. She was going to be a good little girl. She also snuck another Percocet, just a little something to keep the edge of the headache at bay for a while. Maybe she’d actually be able to talk tonight. She kept hoping that her voice would suddenly start working.
Carbonara was on the menu for the evening, and Taylor sautéed pancetta while Baldwin got the pasta boiling and whisked the eggs and cheese together. She adored the dish. Really—how could you go wrong with Italian bacon and eggs?
The meal was ready in ten minutes and they sat together at the table, grinding pepper, sipping wine, both trapped in their own thoughts. Between the salt, the wine and the drugs, the thoughts of her happy place, Taylor felt her throat relax. She recognized this sensation. It generally preceded her actually speaking a few words aloud.
“My dad,” she managed to get out before everything tightened up again.
Shit.
“Hey—that was great.” Baldwin said. “I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now. I can make some calls, but it sounds like he’s already been released. Do you want to see him?”
Taylor had thought about that while she cooked. She shook her head, mouthed no.
“Okay. Listen, Atlantic called. I have to handle a case for him. It might mean some travel, and you know how this goes—it might be overseas. But I’m not thrilled about leaving you here by yourself, especially going into Christmas. So what do you think? If I have to go, do you want to come with me?”
The thoughts came fast and furious. Seriously? Had he been looking at her chat history? That was awfully convenient timing. She’d already been prepared to accept Memphis’s offer; hell, she was going to broach the subject as soon as they finished eating. The phone call from her dad had fully cemented it. Getting over four thousand miles away from her father wasn’t just a super idea, it was an absolute necessity. The sessions with Willig could be put on hold for a few days, especially if Memphis had a friend she could work with. There was just one little hiccup. How was Baldwin going to react to her news?
“Mmm…Mmmemphis,” she said, then stopped, uncertain of how to explain the situation properly.
Baldwin sat back in his chair, searched her face. He finally shrugged. “I was afraid you’d say that. But hey, at least you said it. The consonant practice is helping, yes?”
An olive branch. She could tell he was fighting an internal battle; his face was smiling, but his eyes were cold. Baldwin was not a fan of Memphis Highsmythe.
She hadn’t mentioned that she and Memphis had been communicating by email or iChat almost daily for the past few weeks. It hadn’t seemed necessary at the time; it was harmless stuff. Mostly harmless. But would Baldwin see it that way? Well, hell, did Baldwin have any right to dictate who she did or didn’t talk to? No. She melted and got her back up at the same time—being upset with Baldwin took so much energy. She just didn’t know how to make things right.
Honestly was the only path she had right now. If it cost her everything, so be it.
Taylor grabbed the notepad.
We’ve been chatting online. He’s been a big help. He’s offered to have me come to Scotland, work with a psychologist friend of his. This sounds like good timing all around, don’t you think? You can work on your case and I can work on getting this resolved once and for all. Now that we know about the EMDR and its promise, maybe I can turn things around.
She slid the note to Baldwin, watched his face turn four shades of red before he sighed, then smiled and looked up.
“Hell, I don’t blame you for reaching out to Memphis. I haven’t exactly been easy to talk to these past few weeks.” He grabbed her hand, knocking over the pepper mill in his vehemence. “I’m sorry, darling. I’m sorry on so many levels. I’m not sure what I can do to make this up to you. Please, please, will you forgive me?”
Taylor felt the tightly banded chain on her heart crack a bit. This was what she wanted, right? For him to apologize. To offer to make things right. They were better as a team. Together they could conquer anything. But apart, they were two lonely icebergs, drifting silently toward a certain doom. She pushed Memphis’s face from her mind. Later. She’d worry about him later. She just missed Baldwin so much, even though he was right there with her.
She stood and signaled for Baldwin. Took him in her arms, and let him kiss her. She kissed him back. Felt all the earlier animosity slide away when his tongue touched hers. They were like vinegar and baking soda, a child’s science project. Mix the ingredients, put them together and boom, a volcano. Maybe she was softening, maybe she was just tired of fighting it so hard. But there was nothing, nothing in her world that could make her feel like this.
“I love you,” he whispered, and she said it back, surprised when the words slid from her mouth without a moment of hesitation. Baldwin walked her backward into the living room, to the couch. They didn’t bother with the niceties, simply shed the necessary garments and joined as quickly as they could, finding solace in each other.
They lay breathless, the food forgotten. She felt good. Stronger. More in control. She could handle this.
She must have fallen asleep for a moment, because she came to and realized Baldwin was playing with her hair. He looked down at her with serious eyes.
“Hey, sleepyhead.”<
br />
She smiled at him, hugged his body closer. God, she missed this most of all.
Baldwin shifted his weight a bit. “Taylor, you weren’t really serious about going to Scotland, were you?”
She took a deep breath and blew it out. Sat up, found her jeans and pulled them on. Her notepad was on the table. She looked over her shoulder at Baldwin, lying on the living room floor, an arm crooked behind his head. He read something in her glance, sat up and wrapped his arms around his knees.
I want to go, Baldwin. I need to. I can’t take it here right now. Everyone staring and pointing, talking about me behind my back. It’s mortifying.
“But Taylor, you’re fighting hard. You’re nearly there. An other week with Willig and I bet you have your voice back.”
He scrambled up off the floor and came to join her at the table.
This is just something I need to do.
“So you’re leaving me?”
No no no. No! Not at all. I just think I need some time to myself to get better.
“And where will Memphis be?”
He’s working a case. He’ll get me up there, then head back to London. I’ll be alone, with his shrink friend. Understand, Baldwin, please. I can’t do this, therapy, whatever you want to call it, with people who know me. It’s just too much to ask.
He didn’t say anything. She watched his hand grasping the stem of his wineglass, could see the tension in his fingers. She hated hurting him like this, but it was for the best. She needed some space. No one was giving her any space.
He finished off his wine.
“Fine, Taylor. If this is what you want. Go to Scotland. I give you my blessing.”
I wasn’t asking permission, she thought, but refrained from writing it down. No sense in upsetting him more than he already was.
He stared at her for a moment, then stood and threw his wineglass at the sink. It exploded into shards, and he walked out of the room without a second glance.
So it was decided.
She was going to Scotland.
Taylor waited until Baldwin was asleep to send a message to Memphis. It was late in Nashville, past two in the morning, and her head was pounding, but she was wide-awake. She and insomnia were back on speaking terms after a disastrous bout with Ambien left her incoherent. She never responded well to sleeping pills, had the opposite reaction from most people. The Ambien made her frazzled and jumpy all night, then she crashed for ten hours once the sun came up. Turning into a vampire wasn’t really an option, even though the doctors said more sleep would help her throat heal faster. She’d managed for all these years already, so she rebuffed their attempts to drug her, stuck with the pain meds and her pool table.
She didn’t open her chat. She didn’t want to get into a discussion. Coming from sex and fighting with Baldwin to Memphis felt wrong. She just wanted to let him know what she’d decided. She realized she was smiling as she typed the words.
Hey, I hope dinner was great. Baldwin and I talked, and I’ve decided to come over. He has a case to attend to, so he won’t be joining me. I looked at flights; it’s simplest for me to fly into Heathrow. Can you meet me in London, then take me up to the Highlands? I’d love to meet your friend, too, and I really want to keep working on getting my voice back. If you can get me her info, I’ll have Willig send her notes.
This is going to be great, Memphis. Thank you for asking me. You knew just what I needed. You’re the best.
XOXO,
Taylor
MIDDLES
“Be silent in that solitude, Which is not loneliness—for then The spirits of the dead who stood In life before thee are again In death around thee—and their will Shall overshadow thee—be still.”
SPIRITS OF THE DEAD
—EDGAR ALLEN POE
CHAPTER TWELVE
Taylor was usually a good flier. She was in first class on British Airways, the red-eye, cuddled into the full-length seat, a glass of champagne at her elbow. She couldn’t get settled though. This whole trip had her anxious. She fidgeted, played with her hair, annoyed she couldn’t put it up—her normal ponytail seemed to make the headaches worse. It started that way. Now she kept it down to cover the scar on her temple.
Baldwin had seen her off at the airport with a bitter kiss. That had been enough to set her off, make her second-guess her decision. She’d never seen him so withdrawn.
But she had to do this. She had to get away. She was sick and tired of being the victim of the story. She was ready to get back to herself, and she truly believed some time alone, away from everyone, would help.
Her voice wasn’t coming back, but little bits and pieces of words seemed to find their way out. It gave her hope. She was horribly raspy, even in a soft whisper, her usually huskiness even more so, but somehow things felt…better.
She could have started healing a hell of a lot faster if she’d just given in and forgiven Baldwin sooner. The stress and pressure of being mad at him was certainly a culprit. She’d done one more quick session with Victoria Willig, too, which seemed to help. The horrors from November felt like they were fading a bit. She would get herself back all the way after her stint in Scotland.
For nontherapeutic reasons, she was looking forward to the week ahead. She’d been to the U.K. on a school trip in high school, a ten-day whirlwind around Scotland, Wales, Ireland and England. She’d been entranced by two places: the Lake District—she’d been deep into her Wordsworth stage—and all of Scotland. Wales had fared well in her memory, a late night at a pub in the wilderness, but it was Scotland that always came to mind when she thought back. The barren green-and-brown hills, the rocky crags, the lochs, nestled valleylike into the surrounding mountains, misty and fittingly mysterious, like they held the answer to a millennia of secrets. No wonder the legend of Loch Ness persevered. It was easy to believe that the still waters were a part of the land that time forgot.
Memphis had warned her that he wouldn’t be able to stay long. He’d been assigned to the case he mentioned: three missing girls. He could do some work from the estate, but the brass was the brass, which meant he would only be able to sneak away from London for a bit.
Taylor nursed a tiny bit of jealousy after hearing the stress in his voice. She never felt so alive as when she was working a breaking case. She could hear the worry and excitement in his words, feel his distraction, his desire to solve the mystery. She loved that feeling. She missed it.
The champagne had dulled the headache, but she took a pain pill just in case. She let her eyes close. One thing she knew for sure—she was going to be very careful around Memphis Highsmythe.
Taylor woke as the plane landed, the jolt and reek of the tires immediate in her nose. She was shocked at how rested she felt. Even just a couple of hours of shut-eye could rejuvenate her completely. She fluffed her hair, over the scar, allowing it to hang over her shoulders, then gathered her bags and wandered off the plane, stretching and yawning. Customs was bogged down, the line winding around the building in serpentine circles, sleepy, unkempt people being herded into their pens. It was going to take her forever to circumnavigate.
“Welcome to England!”
Taylor jumped a mile. Memphis was standing three feet away, his face partially hidden behind a massive bouquet of fat roses. White ones, not red. Red would have been too inappropriate. He was waiting for her.
She smiled wide and waved. She went to Memphis, accepted the beautiful cabbage roses, and let him kiss her on both cheeks. He smelled good, like wind and rain and man. She felt that familiar tick in her heart that she’d thought she was done with, which made her mad. She scowled, and Memphis looked hurt. She stepped back from him, confused.
“My schedule shifted and I thought I’d walk you through customs, free up some time for you. The weather may turn and interrupt our travels. You don’t mind, do you?”
She shook her head. Pointed at her throat, a reminder that she couldn’t talk.
“Ah, well. I’d hoped seeing me would bring it all
rushing back.”
Memphis picked up her bag, started off toward the customs sign. He looked good, blond and tight, strolling through Heathrow. Women turned to look at him, but he was unaware of the attention. Completely oblivious to his effect. Baldwin was like that. Only had eyes for her. She couldn’t help the comparisons—Baldwin, dark and tall and lean and chiseled, Memphis shorter, more compact, but just as pretty. Two very pretty men.
They were two sides of a coin. Both good, she had no doubts about that. But there the similarities stopped. Baldwin was rational, whereas Memphis was unreasonable. Violence hid just underneath his polished surface. Memphis didn’t look like a brawler, more like a cobra swaying in the breeze. His whole countenance sent off distinct signals—you knew to leave well enough alone or get bitten.
Both smart, both educated, both in love with her. She stopped herself. Comparing them wasn’t smart.
Memphis looked back over his shoulder and winked at her. No, all would be well. She had a feeling Baldwin may have had a chat with Memphis, told him to behave. She didn’t blame him. Memphis wasn’t good at playing with his own toys. And just in case it became necessary, Taylor had written up a stern letter explaining the ground rules. She was hoping it wouldn’t be needed, but she found it entirely impossible to predict Memphis’s behavior. He could swing between Lothario and Lancelot at a moment’s notice. And she, fickle beast, seemed to get caught in his ebb and flow as if he were the moon and she the tides. She wasn’t quite sure what to make of that sensation.
Memphis was prattling on as he led her to the front of the line, making small talk.
“I hope you won’t be too jet-lagged, but I’ve set up a breakfast meeting tomorrow with Madeira James, the doctor friend that I mentioned. I believe you’ll enjoy her company, Taylor. She is a smart, lovely woman. She’s taken good care of me since…well, you know.”
Where All the Dead Lie Page 7
