by Paloma Meir
“I have a date on Sunday.”
“Cool.” He got up and kicked more sand in my face.
Chapter Fourteen
I opened the door to my suite craving my baby girl. My breasts heaved full of milk. She sat in her high chair covered in mashed squash. Looking up at me she began to scream. How could I have left her alone? I ran to her, took her out of the chair, and put her to my breast, squash and all. I sat down and the release of milk brought the serene feeling it always did.
Finished with her feeding I held her and looked at my perfect Louisa. Danny’s face stared back at me. I would always have him with me now. I kissed her cute nose. We were both covered in the squash, which didn’t quite smell the same cold and mixed with our human scents.
“Shower with Mommy?”
“Ja, ja” Louisa had switched her Spanish for German in three days? Astrid would have to start her English lessons the next day.
We got into the shower together. I washed her tiny blond head and used the shampoo to make horns of her hair. My hair was too long to make good ones, but she enjoyed it anyway. We wrapped ourselves in the thick Turkish towels and sat on the floor of the bathroom and played with my endless jars of beauty products and make-up. We built a tall tower that tumbled to the claps of Louisa.
I was exhausted and left the mess for Astrid to tidy up. I hardly ever did that. I hoped she wouldn’t be cross with me. Her duties did not include cleaning up after me. I had forgotten to get them gifts. I would take them shopping. The plus side of the trip, if there was one, was I didn’t feel a need to lie in bed anymore.
My heart missing my demon lover Danny replaced my heart missing Paolo. I would write them both very long letters. To Paolo I would explain everything. I imagined he would be asking himself questions. I didn’t want him to suffer that way. I would be brutally honest. He would always hate me, but I didn’t want him to hate our memories.
To Danny I would bluntly tell him of Louisa since he seemed incapable of picking it up through my language. Had he always been so dense? I knew he was intelligent, always quicker than I was, but Serge had been right. He didn’t speak an emotional language. I liked that about him, but it was coming at a high price in this situation. I would toughen up and write my letter with clarity.
“Sleepy time Louisa?”
“Ja ja Mommy.” I brought her to my bed, and we fell into a deep sleep together.
…
I woke feeling revived, alive. My mind had made sense of everything in my sleep. I would move back home earlier, in December. I would be with Danny again. He would read my letter, maybe he would come here to me, maybe he wouldn’t, but when I got home we would be together and the three of us be a family, happy together forever. We would have more babies. I would stay pregnant for a decade. Maybe that was overdoing it. He could grow up a bit while I was away. That would be best for the three of us. Home would be with Louisa and him.
I picked up my phone to call Theodora. I hadn’t seen her in months and months. We would set the city on fire. I had never been a young single woman, always under the thumb of my men, first Danny and then Paolo. I would be twenty-eight soon. My days were numbered as far as being technically young. I needed to be my own person before I went back to meet my destiny with Danny. We would both be better for it.
Theodora and I would have the fun we had as teenagers and then I would go home to my love Danny for the rest of my life, all a good plan. I picked up my phone to call her. There was a text from Danny.
“Your idea was better. You’re my arm not my heart.”
How cute, he had tried to speak in my language. That wouldn’t do at all. I texted him back.
“It appears we have switched philosophies. I’m coming for you my love.”
He didn’t text back. I knew he wouldn’t. I wrote him a letter clearly laying out the truth, my plan, everything. I wrote it as plainly as possible but still got carried away. The letter numbered ten pages.
I sent Serge a letter too, only one page. I would write Paolo’s letter the next day.
I dressed Louisa and myself in bright white Victorian dresses and off we went to meet Theodora at Colette on Rue St. Honore, Astrid in tow in one of her practical black outfits. I hadn’t shopped in ages. Theodora was an expert. I would buy a new wardrobe. I had been so conservative with my money all the years because Paolo looked down on conspicuous consumption.
We entered the store a bit too bright and modern for my tastes but filled with wildly dressed young people. I loved it. The trendier items were on the ground floor. Theodora had said to meet her upstairs. The salesgirls and so many dresses surrounded her. Beautiful dresses of bright colors and slim cuts. I wanted everything. I would have everything.
“Darling I missed you. You look beautiful but vintage is not what we’re doing. Is this Louisa? Ma belle. Those eyes.” We hugged and she spoke to the shop girl, “Sabine, bring Zelda a rack of clothes.”
“I missed you too. I’m here until December. I want to see you every day. This is Astrid. I want to buy her some things too. This store looks a bit much for her.” I sat down on the lounge beside her.
“I know the perfect place for her up the road but Colette is for you. Do they carry your scarves?”
“Only over the holidays. I gave my studio and business to my assistant Silviana when I left Madrid.” It wasn’t as hard to say as I thought it would be. I was healing up at a remarkable pace. Madrid and my life there seemed so long ago.
“You have to tell me everything over lunch. Quick though, you appear to be in desperate need of modern style.” She squeezed my hand.
“Dresses first, lunch second. I am your butterfly.” I was eager to be fashionable again although I still loved my vintage style that I had picked up in Madrid.
Over lunch with Louisa nursing I told Theodora the whole story, everything. The telling was cathartic, strengthening the plan I had woken up with. I had a life to live here with Theodora before I went home, and with the exception of Louisa and Astrid I would live selfishly, wantonly with her for the next few months. I would spend my money recklessly. I would be dangerous not having to care what Paolo or anyone else thought. I would better for it. I would go to Danny a complete person without any regrets or fears.
“Are you sure about Danny? He’s so normal, so American. You don’t have to tell him. You could raise her alone. You could stay here.”
“He’s the one. He always was. I could never do that. That’s not the point right now. Theodora I want to have fun. I want us to dance all night, I want to dress provocatively and be loud. I want to do all this with you. So clear any plans you may have. You’re my partner in decadence.”
“I’m always up for that. Tonight we’ll have dinner at Hotel Costes and see where the night takes us. I’m so glad that you’re here," She took my hand and squeezed it again.
By the end of the day I had spent more money on clothes than my hotel bill would be for the month. My stomach tightened as I signed the credit card receipt. I giggled it away. I bought Astrid several of her severe black outfits, but with a bit more style, a flair. She had preferred the German designers, a patriotic shopper she was.
The two of us not sharing a common language had always been a relief, but I found myself wishing that I could know her thoughts. She had a look of self-admiration on her face. Theodora had insisted on having Astrid’s make-up done. I hadn’t noticed how attractive she was, she had always been washed out and modest before with her limp blond hair. I hoped that I was not creating a monster in her. I needed her in every way. The servant became the master as they say, not that I thought of her as a servant. That would be vulgar.
Astrid and I played a game of hide and seek with Louisa before I put her down for the night. As she lay asleep in her crib by my bedside I watched her, amazed it took so long for me to see her true face. Danny’s full red lips, the color and shape of his eyes. How remarkable creating a life from love could be. I felt the limitlessness of the surrounding Universe. Everythi
ng through time had come together to create the beauty before me. A shiver of wonder traveled through my body waking me up. I texted Danny how much I loved him promising myself I wouldn’t do that again until I was home.
I knew when I went home to Los Angeles, he would have to come to me. It had to be that way. He would have the choice with us that I had not offered him with the birth of our Louisa. I was sure he would make that choice.
I picked a jewel embellished pink loose knit dress from my pile of purchases. It was short, the hem coming to just below my bottom, a tank style top, fitted. The workmanship, perfection as if it had been sewn together by virgins high up in the Italian Alps. I applied my make-up with a heavy hand around my eyes as Theodora wore hers. I slipped on my shoes, metallic pink python stilettos with five- inch heels. I stood well over six feet tall in them. I looked at the mirror and laughed at my outrageousness. I thought of my dress up times with Carolina. I would have to forgive her for her silence. I would have to call her soon.
Theodora was already seated at the restaurant inside the hotel when I arrived, and what a restaurant it was, in the courtyard of the rich dark hotel. I thought of moving the three of us there but knew that it would be too much for my little family, too rich in musky atmosphere. We needed the security level, the civility of the George V.
She was surrounded by her friends, but had saved the chair next to her for me. Such chicness, the men in monotone suits of drab colors and oddly colored shirts, some with ascots. The women dressed as we were. Coincidentally Theodora was wearing the same dress as me but in blue. My dreams of living in Paris were coming true, and it was exactly as I had imagined it.
A mishmash of languages were spoken around the table but as it was in Spain once our tablemates discovered that I was American that wanted to practice their English with me. I only wanted to speak French, my tongue for it being rusty from not making use of it. I was a guest, so I indulged them all.
Sebastian an architect from Zurich attached himself to me, rubbing my bare leg as we talked. I wanted to be wild but not with men, not sexually. I moved my leg away and sat back away from him continuing the conversation. He didn’t seem to take the hint.
I leaned back to Theodora and whispered my problem to her. She told me to kiss her, that she wasn’t interested in the male attention either. If they thought we were together they would leave us alone she said. It seemed a strange solution to my problem but giddy with the adventure of the night I did as she said. Her lips were soft, her face one I loved. Done with the kiss she put her arm around me possessively. I laughed with delight imagining us to be a new incarnation of Gertrude Stein and Alice B Toklas. Sebastian backed off and chatted with me more without anymore touching. Theodora knew the ways of the world.
I ordered the Steak Tartar, and a salad coated in vinegar, a glass of Champagne sat in front of me untouched. The Champagne glass had been a habit I had taken up years before in Madrid. If I didn’t order a drink people would question me, not easily accepting that I had sworn of alcohol. Their questions would remind me of the bad day on the beach. All the therapy in the world would never make that day a flat memory. Better to just pretend that I drank.
I devoured the raw meat, soaking in the flavors. I took tastes of all the food around me. I was greedy. I ordered three different desserts, taking one bite of each. The dinner went on and on, conversation moving from politics to scandal. They were all so heated in their opinions. I would have to start reading the papers even though the day-to-day events in the world had never held my interest. I wanted to be like them, passionately defending an idea that in no way affected their lives.
At the nightclub after dinner Theodora and I danced and danced. I closed my eyes and pretended that were still teens at The Whiskey all those years ago and that Danny would be waiting for me at home when I woke up. We were covered in sweat. Sebastian had forgotten that Theodora, and I were “a couple”. He grinded against me. I moved closer to Theodora, kissing her again, our arms high
in the air. I didn’t have any romantic or sexual feelings for her but I found the act of kissing her to be fun, maybe it was the shock of it to those around us. They were a jaded crowd but who didn’t like to watch two women express themselves.
By 2:00 AM, much to my embarrassment I was exhausted, sleepy. Theodora’s driver cut a path through the club and led us to the car. She knew how to live. I thought of getting myself a driver. Cabs could be so hard to find at times, and the Metro which I had always loved before was not fit my little Louisa. I would never live like this again, the end date for this experience was set. I might as well go off the deep end in luxury.
“I’m not gay or bisexual.” I said to Theodora in the car.
“Didn’t we have this conversation as teenagers?” She laughed as I remembered our experimentation by her pool, “I know that. It’s all good fun. Oh my God what are you going to do with Sebastian? You didn’t tell him where you were staying?”
“I don’t think so. We won’t run into him again, I’m sure. It’s a big city.”
“It is a big city but I travel in a small circle. It doesn’t matter. We’ll spread ourselves across the town. There’s a darling restaurant in the Premiere Arrondissement that I will take you tomorrow.”
“I think I may have overestimated my energy level. I have to be together for Louisa. Perhaps only two or three nights a week instead of every night? We could have a sleepover in my hotel tomorrow night. We could watch movies, order room service, play with Louisa.” I sunk into the comfy backseat of her town car.
“Perfect. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with your intensity. I’m afraid that Louisa will make my ovaries burst.”
“There are worse things that could happen. Hurry up and have a baby so they could grow up together. Better yet wait until my next pregnancy. My plan is that this will happen on Louisa’s second birthday. I love Danny.”
“I know you’ve said that a half dozen times tonight.”
“Sorry, being with you has made me regress.”
Chapter Fifteen
Vance, the older man who lived in the small house next door to me died suddenly in his sleep. I didn’t know him well. He had been a quiet man, preferring a wave to conversation. His grandson was out from Ohio taking care of the estate. I gave him a fair offer to buy the home. The house was old and uncared for. I thought of tearing it down, maybe mine too and building an oversized modern box that was so popular on the beach. I could triple my money if I did it right, which I would.
I would have to sell my properties on the eastside of town and liquidate my stock portfolio. It would be a big risk, but with all big risks came big rewards. I always had my trust to fall back on. That would be morally defeating but it was good to have a comfort zone.
I stopped at the mailbox on the way in. It was stuffed. Serge had gotten sloppy with his chores. I went into the kitchen where he was making himself a health smoothie that involved lots of beets and cayenne pepper. I opened the sliding glass doors on to the balcony to air out the earthy odor.
In the kitchen I went through the pile, separating the junk from the few bills that still came by mail. A few of the letters were from Zelda. When would she give it up? I looked closely, only one to me, three to Serge. I threw mine in the recycling bin and handed Serge his letters, one of which was a full sized. He opened that one up first.
“Dude did you throw away her letter?” He took it out of the bin. “I’ll put it on top of the refrigerator you might want to read it later. Heavy. She wrote you a manifesto.”
“Doubtful.” I said as he ripped open the large envelope.
“Dude, fucking hot. You turned her gay.” His eyes popped open as he took what looked like a magazine out of the package.
I looked over at it in spite of wanting to walk away. There she was on the cover of a French gossip magazine in a pink mini dress, hands over her head dancing with what looked like Theodora. They were kissing, her short dress pulled up a too high from the raised
arms, the slightest curve of her bottom for the world or at least that country to see. I hated myself for the hardness in my pants.
“Mother of the year. Throw it away.” I looked away.
“I’m going to keep it in my bathroom. Just screwing around buddy. There’s a note in it, “this is how we keep the men away” She’s being funny. Where did that come from?” He put the magazine down and opened up one of her letters.
“What is her problem? She sends me weird texts, now this letter. How did I not notice that she was complete idiot all these years?” I couldn’t move, the anger at her building inside me.
He read her letters not indulging my hate for her.
“Dude the letters are all about Louisa and what they’ve been doing. A photo captures a moment not a life. If you want to hate her fine, but I don’t want to hear it. She’s texting you?”
“Just twice. I didn’t respond. She gave up.”
