Chapter Twenty-Eight
A week later, Lori waited for John just inside the Old Grist Mill sandwich shop, watching through the glass doors. Clouds had gathered overhead and a brisk breeze had sprung up. Luckily she’d brought a light jacket, but John had still insisted on going for the truck so she wouldn’t get chilled.
She loved being pampered and cherished.
As John’s truck approached, she smiled. Just the sight of his truck was enough to brighten her day. In the two weeks since he’d proposed, they’d been together every day he’d been off shift, and she still couldn’t get enough of him. She didn’t know if she ever would.
When he parked in front, she climbed in and quickly shut the door. “Whew. Does the weather always change this fast?”
“There’s a saying in Utah that if you don’t like the weather, just wait twenty minutes.”
“That sounds about right.” She scooted over to the middle seat. “So . . . where to now?”
“And ruin the surprise? No way.” He grinned.
“I know where you live. I still have zucchini on the vine. I will bring you boxes of zucchini and doorbell ditch them if you don’t tell me.”
“Okay, okay. Don’t do that! I’ll tell.” He laughed. “Quinn and Tricia invited us over for more pie and cards.”
“Sounds fun.” She snuggled closer to him and pulled her seat belt tight. She lifted her hand to admire the gorgeous ring on her finger again.
“Like it?” he asked, his voice soft.
“Very much.” She looked over at him and smiled. “I like you very much, too.”
“The feeling is definitely mutual.” As he turned the wheel and pulled out onto Main Street, his cell phone played. “Forget that,” he said. “I don’t want to be disturbed tonight.”
“Sounds good to me.”
He slipped his arm around her shoulders. “So did you think about January eleventh as a possible date?”
That was his parents’ anniversary, and he had thought it would be sweet if he and Lori got married that day, too. She liked that tender, romantic streak in him.
His phone rang again. “Persistent, aren’t they?”
“Maybe it’s important.”
He handed her his phone. “Who is it?”
“It’s Roy.” She handed it back.
He pulled up to a red light and flipped his phone open. “What’s up, Roy? . . . Are you kidding? Isn’t this, like, a month early? . . . Just a week? Really? . . . You’re a father? Poor defenseless little girl,” he teased, but his voice softened. “How are they? . . . Okay? Good.”
Becky had given birth. Lori had mixed feelings. She was glad for Becky, who had become a dear friend already, but she had to beat back the familiar sadness of knowing she would never—not ever—experience the joy Becky had.
“Congratulations, bro! We’ll be right over.” With a grin, he replaced his phone. “They want us to come see the baby.”
When the red light changed, the truck shot forward.
~
The drive to the Brigham City Community Hospital took ten minutes, with another ten to park and find the maternity floor. As he drove, Lori called Quinn and Tricia’s number to cancel their plans.
When they passed the nursery, John grabbed Lori’s hand. “Let’s see if she’s in here.”
He was filled with excitement, an elation he hadn’t expected, perhaps because he was with Lori now, and it wouldn’t be more than a year or two before they had their own child.
He scanned the bassinets for names. Boy Stoddard. Boy Simpson. Boy Hullinger. No new Walker babies or even girl babies in the nursery today.
“Hey, John. Lori. Over here.”
John looked up. Roy was heading toward them, a huge smile on his face. “The baby’s in the room with Becky. Come on.”
John shook his head. “We don’t want to intrude.”
“Are you kidding? Becky wants to show her off. Her family was here earlier and have headed down to the cafeteria. The rest of the Walker clan is on their way. You guys got here just in time to have Becky and the baby all to yourselves.”
“We didn’t bring our gift,” said Lori. “We wanted to get here as fast as we could.”
“Don’t worry about that. Just come see her.” He led the way.
Surprised, John whispered, “We have a gift?”
As she followed Roy, she smiled mischievously. “I bought a gift. And since we are now officially a couple, that means we have a gift.”
“Great.” He grinned. “So . . . what did we get her?”
“Some very expensive crib sheets and bumper pads in the pattern Becky said she wanted, but hadn’t gotten yet.”
“Cool.” Not so much the gift she’d gotten for Becky’s baby, though that was cool, too, he had no doubt, but the ramifications of what she’d just said. “So does this mean you’ll keep track of everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries? If so, this couple thing has some unexpected benefits.”
She punched him playfully and teased, “On second thought, buy your own gift.”
Halfway down the hospital corridor, Roy opened a door.
As John stepped inside the room, he saw Becky lying in the bed, holding her baby in her arms, like some modern-day Madonna. She looked more tired than he’d ever seen her, but also more beautiful. Her long brown hair was pulled back into a simple ponytail and she wasn’t wearing any makeup, but she glowed with happiness as she pulled her adoring gaze from the baby in her arms to her visitors.
John leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Congratulations, momma. You look fabulous.”
“Yeah, right, sure I do.” She nodded. “But nice of you to lie for my benefit.”
“Oh, she’s beautiful,” cooed Lori as she leaned in for a better look. “What are you going to name her?”
“Holli,” said Becky, gazing back down at her new baby with such obvious love in her eyes that John choked up.
Roy said, “She was seven pounds, six ounces, and twenty inches long.”
John almost laughed at his brother, but there was something reverent about the moment that kept him from doing it.
After a long moment, Becky looked back up at them. “Would you like to hold her?”
When he glanced over at her, Lori smiled. “You first, Uncle John.”
Carefully, worried he’d drop her, he lifted the tiny bundle from Becky’s arms. He stood and gazed down into her wrinkled, red, beautiful little face. “Look, her eyes are open,” he whispered. “She’s looking at me.”
“All the nurses have commented on how alert she is,” Roy said proudly.
Touched by the baby’s gaze that seemed to be focused on his face so intently, John whispered, “Hey, little Holli, do you remember me from before?”
She reached up a tiny hand and touched her palm to his cheek, not at all like a spastic newborn baby, and he was overcome with the feeling that, yes, she did know him from before.
Overwhelmed by the sensation, he sank down into the armchair and just looked at her. She pulled her hand back and he wrapped the little blanket around it until she was cocooned again, her dark blue eyes peering at him curiously.
Lori slipped up behind him and put her hands on his shoulders, leaning over to look at the baby, too.
John wasn’t sure when the tears started—at some point after Holli had touched his face—but he was rocked to his very core by this tiny new life that hadn’t been here before today, that hadn’t existed before Roy and Becky had found each other and created a family.
Finally, he turned to look into Lori’s eyes, just inches from his, his heart overflowing with love, and whispered, his voice choked with emotion, “I can hardly wait until I hold our baby like this.”
Her eyes widened and she squeezed his shoulder as he looked back
down at Holli.
This was what life was all about.
Having someone special to love.
And creating a family with that special someone.
~
Stricken, Lori watched John hold his new niece, and knew again his deep desire for children of his own. The all-too-familiar ache made her tremble. Her body had betrayed her long ago; she would never have a joyous moment after birth. The appendix that had ruptured when she was fourteen had developed into a raging infection, which in turn had damaged her fallopian tubes beyond repair.
The ache didn’t dissipate as she took a turn holding Holli, as she and John chatted with Roy and Becky, as John drove her home and held her close, as he told her he loved her and tenderly kissed her good night.
It didn’t diminish when she paced the floor, or when she sat for hours on her bed.
Instead, the ache grew stronger, pulling at her insides until she thought she would die. The look on John’s face as he’d held little Holli was burned into her mind, haunting her.
Why, God? Why can’t I have children? Why would you lead me to a wonderful man who wants them so much when I can’t have them?
There were no answers and her tears turned into great heaving sobs of anguish.
Finally, when she could stand the pain no more, she knelt by the bed. In between her sobs, she began to pray.
Father, please help me understand. Help me trust Thee. I am so confused. Please let me know if I am still supposed to marry John.
She waited, still crying, though the tears had stopped shaking her body and simply flowed. There was no answer other than more confusion.
She prayed for an hour, asking variations of the same question, but there was still no answer. Finally, she quit crying. Totally drained and exhausted, still on her knees, Lori began a different prayer.
Father in Heaven . . . Ever since my father left, I have held myself back from trusting Thee. He never came back, even though I prayed for that every night. Now I ask for help in trusting Thee again. Help Thou mine unbelief.
A wisp of peace brushed against her deep despair. It was time, after all these years, to totally trust her Father in Heaven again.
I will do whatever I feel guided to do. She had an impression and one more tear worked its way down her cheek. Feeling drained, she prayed, Do I need to tell John about my infertility before I marry him?
Immediately, a great warmth filled her heart, pushing aside the ache, and planting in its place the beautiful peace she loved so much.
Even if John leaves me when he finds out the truth?
The warmth spread from her heart to every cell in her body. She had never known such peace, even as before she had never known such despair.
I thank Thee, Father. Please give me the courage to tell him the truth. And please, please, please soften his heart so he will still love me afterward.
She hoped that her mother was right. Maybe she and John could adopt. Maybe God would bring a child into their lives in some other way. She hoped that was true. Maybe John would even come to forgive her for not telling him the truth in the beginning.
She ended her prayer, knowing without a doubt that she had to tell John the truth. She couldn’t marry him unless she did. But if she did tell him, she might not get the chance to marry him.
No matter his response, she owed him the truth.
Even if it cost her everything.
~
Lori peeked out through the blinds again. John’s truck still wasn’t there. She’d called him an hour ago and asked him to come over and the minutes in between had stretched out interminably.
This was torture, waiting to tell the man she loved something that might drive him away forever. Why wasn’t he here?
She forced herself to take a deep breath. She’d already prayed three times since she called him and she hoped the peaceful feeling she had would last while she spoke the words to John that were going to cause him such great pain.
She heard an engine outside, close, and then it stopped. She peeked out again. John was climbing out of the truck. Now she wished he’d taken more time. She wasn’t ready for this.
As her heart fluttered, pumping adrenaline throughout her body, Lori drew in another deep breath. In this moment before she possibly ruined everything between them, she needed to savor the love John still felt for her right now—and the love she felt for this handsome, thoughtful, gentle firefighter.
She’d finally found a true hero—and now she might be driving him away.
He rang the bell, and she sucked in a ragged breath. Nothing could calm her heart now. Not until she’d said the words. This was it.
She opened the door.
“Hi, beautiful.” With a smile, he leaned over and kissed her. Gently. That was nearly her undoing. She blinked back tears as he pulled away.
Please, Father, help me not cry.
“I couldn’t wait to see you again.”
Please help me accept Thy will. “I need to talk to you.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Is everything okay?”
Please help him understand. “I need to tell you something.”
She took another breath to try to calm herself.
He tilted his head. “You aren’t breaking up with me again, are you?”
“Oh, no. Nothing like that.” More like he would be breaking up with her.
“Good. I can handle anything else.”
Please, Father, help him handle what I feel impressed to tell him.
She took his hand, savoring the feel of his fingers intertwined with hers, creating a memory of his touch.
She led him to Charles’s old-fashioned couch where they sat, side by side.
He was beginning to look concerned. “Honey, what is it?”
She looked into his eyes. “John, I love you.”
He squeezed her hand. “I love you, too, Lori.”
“I have to tell you something before we get married.” Something that may change everything.
She pulled her gaze away.
“Just say it. You can tell me anything.” But already he was sounding unsure.
“I know how much you want children.”
“Very much.”
She forced herself to look into his eyes again. “I. Can’t. Have. Children.”
Confusion filled his eyes. “What do you mean?”
“There’s a problem with my fallopian tubes, from an infection after my appendix ruptured, and I can’t . . .” Please, Father, help me. “I will never be able to have children. I am so sorry. I want them as much as you do.”
Apparently shell-shocked, John spoke slowly, repeating her words. “You can’t ever have children?”
She could see the hurt in his eyes, the disappointment, perhaps even betrayal.
“John, I never meant to hurt anyone, especially not you. I was just too afraid to tell you because I thought you . . . might not . . . want me after I told you.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
His hand loosened slightly, and she instinctively pulled hers away. Gazing at the wall, he was silent for so long that she began to tremble. His emotional distance scared her.
Please, Father, help me. Help us.
“Will I see you again?”
“Of course you will. This doesn’t change my feelings for you. I’m just . . . stunned by the news. But we can get through this. Together.” He looked at her, his eyes filled with pain, and he took her hand again. “But it’s going to take some time for me to think this one through. I’ll be honest—it’s a shock. I may need a few days to get used to the idea. Is that okay?”
She nodded, wanting to keep repeating her apologies—I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you—but found she couldn’t say anything.
They sat in silence for a long time.
Finally, he squeezed her hand, put an arm around her shoulder, and looked into her eyes. “We’ll deal with this. I love you, Lori. I always will.”
When she started to cry, he held her and comforted her.
He was doing and saying all the right things, but he couldn’t hide the hurt and betrayal in his eyes. When he’d had a chance to think things over, she feared he would realize just how much he wanted children. And then Lori was afraid her worst fears could come true.
She’d lose John’s love and respect.
She’d lose his large, loving family.
She’d lose everything.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
John didn’t know how long he’d driven the mountain roads, but glancing at the clock, he was surprised to see it was nearly nine.
He’d driven, tormented, for three hours.
John was certainly aware eternity was forever and, in the eternal scheme of things, he’d have plenty of time for posterity with Lori. But the thought of having no children here and now ripped his heart in two. And the thought of not having Lori in his life hurt even worse.
He had to talk to someone.
His father.
He turned toward the house that had been home for him for nearly two decades. The home that was so often filled with children and grandchildren. The ache grew as he drove.
When he finally pulled into his parents’ driveway, he used his cell phone to call inside.
His father answered. “Why are you parked in the driveway?”
“Dad, I need to talk. No brothers, no wives, no other family. Just you. Will you come out, please?”
Without another word, his father came out and there, in the cab of his truck, John repeated the words Lori had used to blow him away like a fire hose blasting everything in its path.
His father sighed and leaned his head back against the headrest. After a moment, he asked, “Do you love Lori?”
“More than anything.”
“Did you pray about marrying her? I know you did.”
How to Stuff a Wild Zucchini Page 25
