“Yes, Babe. I’m just tired. The drugs they have me on are making me drowsy.’’
I nod my head, glad we’re okay, but scared about his reaction to what I’m about to say.
“I need to do something, and to do it, I need time to myself, if only for a little while.’’
“You don’t need to do this,’’ he says, trying to sit up, but I put my hand on his chest stopping him.
“I’m not breaking up with you, but after everything that’s happened I’ve realised I rely on you too much. I need to learn how to be strong by myself without having to lean on you, to pile everything on you. I nearly got you killed today and it’s killing me inside.’’
“I don’t blame you,’’ he chokes out, looking at me wide eyed and panicked.
“I know you don’t, but I do. If I was stronger none of this would have happened, Myles. Being with you has made me stronger. Well, now I need to prove it, not just to you, but to myself. I know what I need to do to achieve that, but I need to do it on my own. I need to be the one to take those steps.’’
“So, we’re not breaking up?’’ he asks, looking hopeful.
“No. Never. I could never break up with you. I love you,’’ I smile.
“I love you too. How are you doing?’’ he asks, his hand lightly rubbing my fingers where the cast on my broken arm meets.
“I’m good. My dad is waiting for me outside so I need to go,’’ I tell him regretfully.
“When will I see you again?’’ he asks, his eyes watering.
“That’s the other thing. I know you need to rest, but I need you to be at school next Thursday.’’
“I’ll be there,’’ he tells me, and I lean down to give him a light kiss, but as every time our lips touch, it turns heated, our tongues massaging against each others. Tears fall down into our kiss and I realise it’s me crying and I pull away. “It won’t be forever.’’
“I know. I love you. Get better soon,’’ I choke out and before he can reply, I turn and rush out the room, knowing the next two weeks are going to be hell, but I need to do this. It’s also another box I can tick off on Charlie’s list, and I’m sad she won’t be there, but hopefully, wherever she is, she will hear me.
Everyone greets me outside, giving me their condolences, which makes me break down, and in Katie’s arms of all people.
Maverick is the only one who knows my plan and promises to keep me informed on Myles’ progress, and to make sure he’s at school on that Thursday. All I need to do now is clear it with the school.
Thursday is going to be the day I tell everyone my darkest secrets.
Chapter Twenty Six
KAYLA
“Hey, I just wanted to let you know I’ve dropped Myles off in the hall,’’ Maverick says making me jump.
Jesus.
“Where the hell did you come from?’’ I ask, looking around backstage. I’m in the school drama hall where our school presents our assemblies. Today it will be giving the assembly and I’m scared shitless.
“Sorry,’’ he laughs. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I saw an old teacher of mine, I asked if he knew where you were, and well, here I am,’’ he chuckles. “How are you feeling?’’
“Nervous,’’ I tell him honestly, wringing my fingers together.
“You can do this,’’ he compliments, taking me by the shoulders. “He misses you ya know.’’
I hear the sadness in his voice. It’s been so hard staying away, not answering Myles’ messages or phone calls. The only person I’ve spoken to, bar the police and my dad, is Maverick.
“I miss him, too.’’
“Then make sure you go to him after your speech. He wants to be there for you tomorrow.’’
I breathe in, my heart rate escalating when I think about tomorrow. I’ve tried not to think about it, it hurts too much, but I know either way tomorrow I will give Charlie the best send off. She deserves it after everything she has been through.
“How has your dad taken everything that has happened? Has everything at home been okay?’’ he asks thoughtfully.
“He’s taken it hard, but I think he’s getting there. At first he didn’t want to believe what happened with my mom, at how long she was hurting me, but I showed him a few things,’’ I mutter, looking away.
“I feel like there’s a ‘but’,’’ he asks curiously.
“But, he’s driving me crazy. I know he will never be the dad that shows up to a school play, to spend time with me or take me away on holiday, but he loves me. I know he does. I just wish he’d give me some space, ya know?’’
“He’s just feeling guilty. It happened to you while he should have been protecting you,’’ he shrugs.
“Kayla, we’re ready for you,’’ Principal Collins interrupts. “Hello, Maverick.Iit’s good to see you,’’ she smiles warmly at him, not the same frustrated look I’ve seen her give Max.
“You too Miss. Collins,’’ he smiles at her before turning back to me. “Good luck, Kid. You’re gonna smash it.’’
“God, I’m so nervous,’’ I admit, wiping my sweating palms down my school trousers.
“Go! You’ll be fine,’’ he tells me with confidence that I wish I had right now. I nod my head, too afraid I’m going to choke up and burst into uncontrollable tears on him. I watch him leave backstage before turning to the curtains and taking a step, listening to Miss. Collins as she introduces me. The school applaud making me more nervous and I end up walking onto the stage with shaky legs.
I hate being centre of attention, especially like this. Everyone is staring at me, all their attention purely directed at me. I stand directly in front of the podium, moving the mic into a better position before looking around the room nervously. Everyone, like I had feared are staring up at me, looking confused as to why I’m standing up here today giving our assembly.
My focus lands on the back of the room, my heart stopping. Myles is sitting down in his wheelchair, dead centre of the aisles, giving me a clear view of his injuries. Even from up here I can see he’s healing nicely, and when I shift my gaze up to his eyes I nearly stumble backwards when I find him looking right back at me. I give him a shaky smile when I notice the rest of his brothers, Harlow and Denny are standing there, too. They’re all wearing prideful expressions. Knowing I have the support here in the audience, my nerves begin to calm somewhat.
“Hey. For those who don’t me, I’m Kayla Martin. I’m here today on behalf of Principal Collins to support anti-bullying, and for the presentation Miss. Watson has given me in childcare on the effects of child abuse.
As both subjects are something I feel strongly about, I volunteered to stand up here today and give you my story, and how it all affected me.
“Over 50,000 children are identified as needing child protection in the UK, but what about the other large number who suffer in silence? The ones not added into statistics? What happens when they have no one to talk to, no one to turn to? In my personal experience, it only ends badly with people you love around you getting hurt.
“Statics show that most bullies are suffering at home with abuse and they take out their frustrations out on people weaker than them, others just do it to feel big, to feel better about themselves. But ask yourself this, that person you’re bullying, the person’s life you’re making a living hell, what happens to them after they leave here, leave the halls of torture? Do they leave to a happy, safe environment, or do they have nothing more than to endure more bullying and torturing when they get home.
“All my life I’ve lived feeling unloved, not wanted, and always feeling like an outcast in this world. Then I turned thirteen and enrolled here, and for the first time in my life I was excited, excited for all the possibilities. I wanted to make friends that would last a life time, meet boys for the first time, and act like a teenager, to just be accepted. Instead, I started here and I was bullied. My clothes weren’t fashionable, I was too skinny, my boobs were too big, I was weird,’’ I blush, hating that I notice a few lads attention have dr
awn to my boobs in the front row.
“They made me feel unworthy, inadequate, lonely and I hated that I let people have that power over me. But, what hurt the most was the people that looked on and watched, standing by and doing nothing. It was those people who could have helped me, but more importantly, I wished I’d helped myself. It took me a long time to believe their name calling was just that, names. I ignored them, moved past it, and started believing in myself. Unless they said something I believed to be true, I paid no attention.
“Then when the bullies knew they couldn’t hurt me anymore, one took it to the next level, he raped me. He didn’t just steal my innocence; he stole my soul, my dignity. I’m not telling you this for you all to feel sorry for me, I’m telling you this because it’s my story, it’s what I know, what I’ve lived. The first person I turned to was my mother, and you know how she reacted? She pushed me away with a disgusted look on her face. It was then I never felt so ashamed of being myself, I felt dirty, and it took me until recently to stop taking showers every chance I had.
“From that day forward my life got worse. I found everyday chores hard, even leaving the house, being in a public place so much harder, causing me to have panic attacks. School got that ad with other kids taunting me, their constant name calling, reminding me every day of what he did to me. I couldn’t stand it. It made me want to end my pain, which I tried to do, unsuccessfully, twice,’’ I tell them, feeling choked up admitting that part. I wipe away my tears before looking up again.
“Thankfully, we moved not long after and I prayed so hard I’d be able to relax in my own body. But it was all a fantasy. I dropped out of school and got homeschooled and my home life got much worse. Long story short, since I was thirteen my mother abused me. She not only physically beat me, but she beat me down with her cruel words. A lot of people who are in my situation will tell you they’d rather take a beating than have cruel words thrown at them and I can totally sympathise. Those cruel words will live with you for the rest of your life; eat away at you from the inside until you start believing them.
“My life has been filled with so many doubts, so many what ifs. But one thing I learnt was suffering in silence just made me lonelier.
“So, I’m standing up here today to ask you, no, to beg you, to fight back. Whether it’s a bully, or a parent, speak up. Don’t hold on to your silence. They may scare you into silence because it’s them that are afraid. Afraid of the consequences bound to happen to them. If they threaten you to keep quiet it’s only because of the control they have over you. Take back that control, speak up. Get proof of what they’re doing by recording it on your phone; get a friend to record it. I’m not standing here preaching that it will be easy; I know firsthand how scary it is, but from this day forward make a stand.
“I also want to tell the people, if they’re listening to think about their actions when you’re bringing down another person. What are you achieving? If power is what you want join a school club, don’t bring another person down with you. My education got put at risk, my dream job, my way out of the abuse at home because of a fair few bullies.
“So I will leave today with this. Parent’s are supposed to be the ones that you run to, confide to, and support you, so when it’s one of them that is destroying you, it ruins you.
“That stops today. After a lot of begging on my part, I have got funding for the school to have a councillor on their payroll. It won’t be like your career councillors, this one will be for you to talk to, and confide to.
“I hope my story made people look at life differently, will change the way they behave towards another human being.’’
My heart is beating rapidly, and my mind is in a daze, but I come through when a deafening applause rings throughout the hall. I blink rapidly, tears blurring my eyes when I find everyone on their feet applauding me. I give a shaky smile before looking down to my family, and freeze when my eyes find my dad’s and Katie’s. I didn’t even see them come in.
Needing his comfort, I rush down the stage steps, smiling at a few people before rushing down the aisle towards the one person I need right now.
I fall into his lap, burying my head into his neck and sob. I sob for everything I just released, all the pain and hurt I had bottling up inside me.
“How did it feel?’’ Myles whispers, his arm rubbing softly up and down my back.
I look up at him and smile. “Freeing.’’
“And how do you feel?’’ he grins.
“Lighter,’’ I admit, glad to have everything off my chest. Whatever people decide to do with what I told them today is up to them, for me it was a way to let go of everything that has been weighing me down.
“I’m glad, Baby.’’ His smile is bright, and I realise just then how much I really do love him, and I don’t mean crush love, but a forever kind of love.
He leans in, his lips reaching mine, and for once, I don’t care about the audience watching us, I press my lips to him and give him everything through a kiss, my love, my gratitude, and my soul. Wolf whistles reach my ears, and I laugh against Myles’ mouth. I look around blushing but still grinning like an idiot.
“So, now that you’re free, what is the first thing you’re going to do?’’ Myles questions.
“I’m going to live,’’ I answer immediately.
*** *** ***
“Kayla,’’ Mrs. Roberts greets sadly. “I just spoke with your father, he told me about yesterday. I’m sorry we missed it.’’
Mrs. Roberts always knew something wasn’t right with me at home, but always put her dislike towards my parents towards my dad, not my mom. Charlie knew, and even told me a time or two, that her mom had questioned her over me.
“It was no big deal,’’ I brush her off, looking around at the people entering the church. There are so many people here. Many of them I recognise from when I was at school with Charlie and I want to scream at them and ask what the hell they are doing here. Not one of them talked to her when she was alive, not one, but then I realise this is something Charlie would look down on and feel loved. She’d see it as people noticing her, which was hard not to, she was an incredible person with a bright personality. I just wish the people walking into the church knew her the way I did.
“It looks like a lot of friends have turned up, I didn’t realise she had this many,’’ Mrs. Roberts chokes out, grabbing a tissue from out of her purse.
“She was loved Mrs. Roberts,’’ is all I can manage to get out, before I move around her and into the church. I spoke with her last week when she organised the funeral what would happen. I’m going to sing a song as the coffin is brought down the aisle, and again when they carry her out. Myles called Mrs. Roberts a week ago apparently, and told her his brothers offered to carry Charlie’s coffin. Mr. Roberts agreed immediately, so he and his brother, along with the Carter boys will be carrying Charlie and placing her at the front of the church.
Walking into the church people I know, and some I don’t give me their condolences. I give them a small smile, before moving on, and ten minutes, maybe longer I finally reach the front where the vicar is talking to Myles waiting for me.
“Just the girl. The Carter boys, Mr. Roberts and his brother are ready. Everyone is taking their seats now, so if you’d just go get yourself ready,’’ he tells me softly, patting me once on the shoulder before standing centre on the steps near where the casket will be placed.
I nod my head before shakily turning to Myles, my eyes watering already.
“You can do this,’’ he tells me softly.
“My heart hurts,’’ I tell him honestly, grateful for his support. We spent last night together. My dad didn’t get a choice in the matter, but he did say we couldn’t shut the door, which I didn’t really mind.
“The pain will soothe in time, baby. Let’s just get you through today, now go sing your little heart out,’’ he whispers against my lips. My lips meet his as the first tear falls from my eyes, and we stay like that, kissing softly, until Myles
pulls away to hug me, his strong arms giving me the strength I need.
Standing at the podium, I cough before taking a sip of the bottled water Myles brought me. I’m actually thankful because my mouth is dry and swallowing past the lump inside my throat has become difficult.
When everyone is seated, I begin; my voice soft and sweet carrying across the room.
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there’s always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh, beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
in the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
My eyes look up for the first time and I choke out the next words, the lump in my throat expanding when I see Mr. Roberts and his brother at the front carrying the casket that carries my best friend. She’s in there, she’s laying in there, in the dark, but then I remember, her soul isn’t in that box, she’s an Angel now.
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there’s vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don’t make no difference
escaping one last time
it’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
in the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
Myles (Carter Brother#3) Page 29
