by Amy Vastine
She didn’t stop him. She let him go because she couldn’t argue with that, he figured. Serena was standing outside the rig, leaned up against the driver’s-side door.
“Did you find her?”
Charlie couldn’t speak. He’d used up all his words on Emma. He nodded then ducked his head as he went to the other side to get in. Serena gave him a once-over and knew better than to bother asking if he wanted to talk about it.
They drove back to the firehouse in silence. The sky was a hazy purple and orange as the sun began to sink behind the high-rises. Darkness would soon consume the city like it already had Charlie. There were no silver linings in these clouds. The glass wasn’t half-full or half-empty. It was shattered on the ground, jagged shards lay just waiting to be stepped on.
The silence continued as they cleaned and restocked the ambulance. Serena gave him lots of space and didn’t offer any words of encouragement. They would only fall on deaf ears, anyway.
Charlie didn’t join her or the rest of the guys in the common room. He went up to the bunks instead. He needed to be alone with his depressing thoughts. Becca had warned him from the beginning not to hand his heart over to someone who would break it. And didn’t Emma have heartbreaker written all over her?
The beds in the firehouse weren’t what anyone would consider comfortable, but Charlie had no plans to sleep. He couldn’t risk closing his eyes and dreaming about her. There was no telling where his subconscious mind would take him.
Serena gave him about an hour before she came up to check on him. She sat on the bed next to his and didn’t say a word. She waited until he was ready.
“It’s over,” he finally choked out.
She nodded but stayed quiet.
“I can’t make someone love me. I can’t make someone care about me as much as I care about her. You can’t force those feelings—either they’re there or they aren’t. And they aren’t. I realized today, they aren’t.”
Serena continued to nod.
“I’m in love with her. Like real love. I don’t know how to turn it off, but I feel like it’s going to kill me. Either it’s going to overwhelm me until I explode or it will disappear and I’ll be nothing but a shell.”
“Love can sometimes seem like more trouble than it’s worth, that’s for sure,” Serena said. He appreciated that she didn’t try to sugarcoat the situation or add something about love being worth it when you find that right person.
Emma was the right person. She was the right person for him. He just wasn’t the right person for her, which maybe did make her the wrong person for him. He couldn’t sort it all out. It made his head hurt almost as bad as his heart.
“You want to come down and play cards with us? Jones brought three rolls of quarters. One of us is going home at least thirty dollars richer with a pocket that’s a pound and a half heavier.”
“Thanks, but I don’t think I’d be any fun to be around.”
She grabbed his hand and gave it a motherly squeeze. “It’s gonna hurt. Then, it’s gonna hurt worse. But it’s not gonna hurt forever.”
He squeezed her hand back before letting go. This wasn’t even the worst of it? Of course it wasn’t. He was going to see her again. That was going to be brutal. Not only was he going to see her, he was going to have to smile and be happy for Max and Kendall while his heart was being torn to shreds.
If he was still breathing on July 5, he might make it through this. He didn’t like his chances, though. They were about as good as Jones’s were for taking home any of the quarters he’d brought with him today.
* * *
THE REST OF the week had been spent in hibernation. Charlie didn’t talk to anyone, he didn’t see anyone. He barely ate. It was much easier to shut the world out than face the reality of his situation.
Friday he needed to look alive. Max and the boys were expecting him on the third floor at noon. They had to eat some lunch, go pick up the tuxes, get dressed and meet up with the photographer at the church no later than four o’clock. Emma had sent a comprehensive checklist to Max on Wednesday.
She hadn’t bothered to send anything to Charlie. No emails with details or texts with reminders. There was nothing between them anymore.
Charlie showered and shaved, hoping it would invigorate him. He looked better but felt the same. No amount of soap could wash away the dread that seemed to be seeping out every pore.
Simon and Aidan were running around the stacks of moving boxes that were scattered all over Max’s place. It was clear from their level of hyperactivity that they had recently ingested a large amount of sugar. Even though they were happy to see Charlie, they couldn’t stop running long enough for him to even ask them if they were excited about today.
Charlie had been put in charge of lunch and set the bag of sandwiches he’d had Jimmy Johns deliver on the card table, the only piece of furniture still in the place.
Max stood in his kitchen. His shirt was misbuttoned and he had pulled on his hair so many times, it was sticking up in several spots where it was supposed to lie flat. The Max Charlie knew never looked anything other than flawless.
“Nervous?”
He scoffed at the mere suggestion. “I’m fine.”
“What did you feed the children?”
“Nothing, why?” Max was searching for something with no success. A yellow Post-it came loose and fluttered to the ground as he sifted through the piles of paper on the counter.
“They seem a little wired.”
“I let them split a can of Mountain Dew earlier. It was all I had besides water from the sink. Aidan tells me his mother says it’s not safe to drink water out of the sink. Why would she tell a child that? There’s nothing wrong with Lake Michigan water, right?” He yanked on his hair and didn’t wait for Charlie to answer. “I can’t find the list Emma sent me. And of course, I deleted the email after I printed it out. She’s got me so worried we aren’t going to be where we need to be on time if I don’t stick to her stupid schedule.”
Emma had gone back to thinking she could plan her way out of every disaster. She’d forgotten what today was about. Worse, she was making Max lose sight of what today was about.
Charlie grabbed him by the shoulders. “What is today?”
“July Fourth.”
“Yes,” Charlie huffed. “What else?”
“My wedding day.”
“And what do you have to do today?”
Max threw his hands up. “A million things! Do you have a copy of that list she made me?”
Charlie shook his head and stilled his anxiety-ridden friend. “You only have to do one thing today. You have to marry Special K. That’s it. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing or what time of day it is or where you’re standing when you do it. It doesn’t matter if there are flowers in her hand or if your hair looks like you stuck a finger in an outlet.”
Max ran a hand over his hair to smooth it out.
“All that matters is that you get married to the woman you love. You think you can do that?”
Max took a breath and nodded. “That’s all I want to do.”
“Then let’s not sweat the other stuff. Let’s eat.”
Charlie wished he could follow his own advice. His objective for today was different than Max’s, though. He was never going to marry the woman he loved. Not tonight. Not ever. His objective was to make it through the wedding with her no more than a few feet away. It felt more and more impossible the closer the time came.
Owen, Kendall’s best friend and business partner, arrived. He was Max’s other groomsman. He was a colorful character, and he teased Max about his appearance without hesitation and gave them constant updates regarding the women.
“Sometimes I wonder if we shouldn’t have made you a bridesman,” Max said after learning Kendall’s hair was done.
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“No way,” Owen said, showing Charlie the pictures of Kendall’s hair. He wasn’t sure what to say about it, so he just nodded and gave the thumbs-up. “If I couldn’t be the man of honor, I didn’t want to stand on her side.”
“Well, lucky me, because that means I got a best man and a man of honor.”
* * *
“DO WE HAVE the rings?” Max asked before they left to get the tuxes.
“Check.” Charlie held up the ring boxes then stuck them back in his pocket.
“Do we have the marriage license?”
“Check,” Owen said.
“My suitcase?”
“Check,” Charlie and Owen said in unison.
“My sunglasses?” Max patted his pockets while his eyes scanned the room.
“Check,” Charlie said, pointing at the aviators on top of Max’s head.
“Okay.” Max clapped his hands together. “Let’s go, my friends.” He pulled open the door and started down the stairs. Charlie and Owen didn’t follow. “Are you two coming or what?”
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Charlie asked.
“You guys just said check, check, check, on your head. We’re good to go.”
“Simon! Aidan! Time to go!” Owen shouted back into the apartment.
Max’s palm made a loud thwack as it hit his forehead. “The boys. Good call.”
Once they had everything and everyone, they were off. They followed Emma’s instructions and made it to the church with time to spare. Charlie straightened Simon’s tie while Max helped Aidan into his jacket. Owen took pictures with his phone to send to Kendall.
“Wow, look at you two! You are two handsome fellas,” Charlie said when everyone was all put together.
“Fellas?” Aidan squinted up at Charlie. “What’s a fellas?”
“It means guys or dudes, whatever you crazy kids are calling yourself these days,” Charlie said, putting Simon in a headlock and rubbing the top of his head playfully.
The boys’ laughter filled the empty church. Owen called the little boys over to stand in front of one of the stained-glass windows for another photo. Max rolled his shoulders and stretched his neck. They were getting close to go time.
“You look good, too, Groomzilla.”
“Thanks for being here, Charlie. It means a lot to me and Kendall. You did so much to make all this happen and I know some stuff has happened with you and Emma...”
Charlie wasn’t prepared to talk about her. His entire body stiffened at the sound of her name. “Don’t worry about it.”
“I think she’s an idiot, by the way.” He was trying to be supportive and as much as Charlie appreciated that, he couldn’t go there right now.
Max took the hint and changed the subject. Charlie tried to stay focused on the present, to not let his mind wander to what was coming next, but he failed. In an hour, Emma was going to come through those doors and ruin his life all over again.
She’d be dressed in red, his favorite color on her. She had an effortless kind of beauty on a normal day. He could only imagine how amazing she was going to look when she worked at it. Maybe no one would notice if he kept his eyes shut the entire ceremony.
He wouldn’t be able to resist. As much as he knew it would hurt, nothing was going to stop his eyes from taking a peek. He was going to soak her all in because this could be the last time he’d see her outside the hospital. With Max moving out and into Kendall’s place, there would be no more bumping into her at the three-flat. This was it.
Kendall’s dad arrived with the photographer. Mr. Everhart was a nice guy, reminded him of his own dad in some ways. He shook Charlie’s hand and thanked him for all he had done for Max and Kendall. Charlie didn’t feel as if he had done much. Everything had been part of Emma’s vision; her hard work had paid off. Her sister was going to have a gorgeous wedding.
They took some pictures and were sent to the back room to wait for the ceremony to start.
“Are you nervous?” Mr. Everhart asked Max. “No cold feet?”
“No, sir. Marrying Kendall is the one thing I am not worried about doing today. In fact, I’d be happy to just pull her back here, grab the priest and get it over with.”
Mr. Everhart chuckled. “Emma would kill you.”
There was that name again. Charlie ran his fingers under his collar. It felt too tight all of a sudden. It turned into a noose when Emma pulled open the door.
“Dad, we need you and the ring bearers out here. You have to walk your daughter down the aisle, remember?”
She was stunningly beautiful, making it that much more difficult to look at her. Like the sun, she burned his eyes. Charlie tried to breathe, but it felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room. The broken pieces of his heart splintered and frayed.
He was suffocating on his sorrow, when her eyes connected with his. It was only a fraction of a second, but it felt like a lifetime. His lungs opened up and he inhaled the air now perfumed with her scent.
“Are you ready?” she asked, focusing on Max.
“More than ready,” Max replied. “Let’s get this show on the road.”
“All right. See you out there.” She spared Charlie one more glance before disappearing behind the door with her father and the boys.
“You ready?” Max said, bringing a hand down on Charlie’s shoulder.
No.
“It’s almost time,” Owen said.
Charlie took a breath and fixed the boutonniere on Max’s lapel. There wasn’t anything to do but grin and bear it. With the most sincere smile he could muster, he said, “Let’s do this.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
SHE KNEW SHE wasn’t going to make it through this wedding. Emma had hoped that if she kept herself busy enough, she wouldn’t be able to think about Charlie, but that was all she could do.
She hadn’t been able to think about many other things than Charlie since he walked out of the hospital on Monday with her heart in his hand. She didn’t think he even realized he had it.
I give up, Emma.
The giving-up part, although horrible, wasn’t what had made her cry herself to sleep every night since. It was that he’d called her by her given name instead of his usual term of endearment. She couldn’t remember one other instance in the entire time they had known one another that he had called her Emma.
She hated it. It bothered her because it was his way of breaking their connection. He’d let go of the rope and let her fall.
Emma was still falling, into what was an endless pit of despair. The wedding was the only thing that kept her breathing. If it weren’t for that, she would probably be in her bed, crying all the tears she was holding inside. If someone poked her with a pin, she was sure she’d spring a leak.
The closer it had gotten to Friday, the crazier Emma had become. Lucy had taken to calling her the Wedding Bully, a much less flattering nickname than Nightingale. Lucy told her she was sucking the life out of all the fun, but she had to stay focused and follow the plans she had made. The wedding would be perfect and fun if everyone stuck to the plan.
“Aunt Debbie just sat on my flowers,” Lucy reported when Emma returned from the back with their father and nephews in tow.
This was not what Emma wanted to hear right now. She had just seen Charlie and her head was fuzzy. Charlie in a tux was going to cause her to hyperventilate.
Lucy held up the smashed bouquet of white freesia. “What do you want me to do with this?”
“I don’t care what you do with it.” Emma stormed past her sister and into the bridal room.
Kendall and their mom were adding blue flowers to Kendall’s updo. “Doesn’t she look beautiful?” her mom said.
Emma sat down on the white-and-gold-padded bench against the far wall and put her head betwee
n her knees. The tears flowed freely; there was no stopping them anymore.
“Honey, are you okay? What’s wrong?” Her mom sat down beside her and rubbed her back, instructing her to take some deep breaths.
Lucy came in. “They’re just flowers, Em. They aren’t even Kendall’s flowers. No one will care what’s in my hands.”
Emma couldn’t speak. Now that the floodgates had opened, she was never going to stop crying. The more she tried to stop, the harder she sobbed.
“This isn’t about the flowers, is it?” Kendall asked, sitting on the other side of her.
Emma shook her head.
“What else could go wrong? Did Max run off or something?” Lucy asked.
“Nice,” Kendall said sarcastically.
“What? I’m kidding. I’m sure Max can’t wait to marry you.”
“Someone else back there made you upset?” Kendall asked.
Emma nodded. What had she done? She had stood there on Monday and said nothing as the greatest man to ever welcome her into his life told her he was in love with her but didn’t think she loved him back enough to fight for her. Why hadn’t she told him how she felt? Why hadn’t she opened her mouth and at least told him he had it all wrong?
For as confused as she’d been the last couple months, there had been one thing that became crystal clear the moment Charlie gave up—Emma could not imagine her life without him in it. She was in love with him. She loved everything about him, except that he had given up.
“This is about Charlie?” Lucy asked, exasperation in her tone.
No one was going to have sympathy for her. Emma didn’t deserve anyone’s sympathy. She had ruined the best thing that had ever happened to her. She had taken something pure and simple and destroyed it with her self-doubt and her ridiculous plans.
“What happened to forgetting about there being anything other than friendship between you and Charlie?”
“There was more than friendship between you and Charlie?” their mother asked, surprised but sounding pleased. “He is such a sweet man. Why didn’t I know there was something going on between you two?”
