“Of course,” Mike answers. I go in and sit on the stool by his bed. I delicately take his hand in mine.
“Hey, love,” I whisper hoarsely. The only response is the monitor beeping and the whooshing sound coming from the breathing machine.
“I’m here; I’m not leaving you. Thank you. . . for keeping your promise. I’d like for you to wake up soon.” I inhale a jagged breath. “You really scared me,” I breathe.
Days pass. I miss a lot of school that first week of his hospital stay. I cover my work schedule so that I can stay at the hospital as much as possible. They move Chase to the neuro-unit. It looks a lot like the ICU only with more monitors. His grandparents arrive on Monday, and we take turns sitting beside him to ensure that he’s not alone. By the second week, he’s off the breathing machine and most of the tubes are gone. His wounds from the fight are mostly healed and he’s beginning to look like himself again as the swelling goes down. The nurses even look the other way when they turn him, and I climb into bed with him, cuddling up to him or just holding his hand.
“He can still hear everything; he knows you’re here,” a large, older nurse told me as she lowered the gate to his bed when I asked if I could get closer. Now they make sure to turn him to give me room to be beside him.
I climb up beside him after the nurse on duty leaves the room. It’s not like we have privacy with the wall of windows, but if I close my eyes, we’re alone, just us. I take his calloused hand and kiss the inside of his palm before leaning my head against it.
“Do you know what today is?” I ask, watching his chest rise and fall. I take a slow, deep breath before I answer to make sure my voice doesn’t waiver or shake. “This is the day that a year ago you said your first words to me. Do you remember what they were?” I pause, as if giving him an opportunity to wake up and tell me. “Yeah, I thought you hated me, the way you always looked at me like you couldn’t stand me. But it wasn’t true.” I smile into his hand and kiss it once more as a large tear drops from my cheek. “I need you to wake up,” I whisper, but he doesn’t as I lean up and kiss his cheek.
Lana
Lacey is a zombie. She’s withdrawn from everyone and has dark circles under her eyes continually. Her only focus is getting to the hospital after school. Now that school has ended, she goes straight there in the morning like it’s her job. Her actual work has been really accommodating these past two months, but I’m not sure if she even cares if she has a job right now. At first everyone wanted to be there for her, be with her, but she closed up so much that the only person she talks to is Byron. They have bonded further because of their own guilt over Chase. When he fell during that fight, he suffered a major concussion. When he fell the second time in the bathroom it became worse. The stitches have come out of the incision, and he’s not bandaged up anymore. A straight line up the back of his head, and his hair has grown into a burr haircut. He looks so different without his mop of hair. I sit with her at the hospital as much as I can. Even though she’s not talking to me, I’m still here for her. Well, as much as I can be. Mom is still moving to Cincinnati. Mom is still dragging me with her. When I told Tomas, he just stared at me in disbelief. I began to cry, and he wrapped his arms around me, promising we’d make it work. What should be a time to engross ourselves in each other has been spent worrying and wondering what the future holds for all of us. I went to my last group session yesterday. Dr. Mase is referring me to a colleague of his in Ohio. It was weird when they went around the circle and told something about me that inspired them, or a favorite memory of me. The hour ended in a cry-fest, group hug. I gave them hats I made and told them not to forget me. I feel like I’m going to be starting all over again with everything. Maybe Mom is right; this is a fresh start we both need. I just can’t help but feel like she’s running away from her problems though. I think Britt took the news the hardest of all of us. For a few weeks she was even talking about moving to Cincinnati and getting a job there. I talked her down from that ledge. She really can’t leave her mom now, especially since she’s finally getting the attention she needs. Dr. Mase has really taken an interest in both of them, and they seem healthier the whole way around because of it.
I sit on my window seat in my room and watch the sun set over the houses and trees. Boxes sit by my bedroom door. I’m just taking my clothes, some of my knick-knacks, Tomas’s art station, and photos. Everything in our house is staying. I’ll still be visiting my dad and sister for holidays and during summer vacations. Mom wants a fresh start. She’s ordered all new furniture for our condo. We will live blocks from the beauty institute in a posh part of downtown. I’m terrified of our new beginning. I want to stay, but part of me doesn’t want my mom to be alone either. She’s always looked out for and taken care of us. Maybe it’s time someone looked out for her for a while. Tomas’ dad told us that if our relationship was meant to be, we would survive this separation. He seems to have warmed up to me lately, though that could just be because I’m leaving. I’m not really sure. Tomas’ truck pulls up in front of the house, and I race downs the stairs. I pause at the door and look up. This will be the last night that I race down the stairs like this, calling this my home. Shaking the sadness off my shoulders, I barrel through the door and jump into his truck.
“So where are you taking me that’s such a surprise?” I ask after I kiss his cheek hello. He smirks as he cuts his eyes sideways at me.
“You’ll see.” We drive to the next town south of us, Avon, and he takes me to a chain restaurant. When we arrive he looks around before he approaches the hostess.
“We have call-ahead seating for Gonzales.” He winks at me, and she looks at her map of the table floor plan.
“Yes, right this way. Your party is waiting for you,” the college-age girl says. Her curly hair bounces as she walks, and we follow her.
“Party?” I ask under my breath, but he just squeezes my hand. We follow her to a back room, and when she opens the door, I see my friends, Britt, Macy, and Danni. But I see three other faces that aren’t as welcoming. Darma Jenkins, Deena Simms and Trina Shank sit beside each other. As I pause, panic fills my lungs. Tomas pulls me along, and I take the seat between Britt and him.
“Hi,” I say. They all just kind of stare at me; Tomas clears his throat and takes a piece of bread from the basket and butters it on his plate. He takes a bite and swallows before he speaks.
“I asked the girls to come to dinner with us since your mom and you are leaving tomorrow, I guess as a farewell-make-amends-good-karma-beginnings for us all.” I nod at him, still searching for the right words.
“We couldn’t let you leave without saying a proper goodbye,” Danni leans in smiling as she speaks.
“I came for the free food,” Trina says dryly. Her jet black hair is cut in all different lengths, and her eyes are circled darkly in eyeliner. I realize the only way to make this experience pleasant for all of them is to come clean.
“I get that. I did some really awful things to some of you in the past. I’m not really sure why. I think I wanted to stand out as a strong person who wouldn’t be challenged. I thought embarrassing others was fun, and I thought it made me happy, but it really didn’t. I was constantly scheming the next move, my next display of tyranny. I’m sure you guys were happy when I got what I deserved.” Darma, Deena, and Trina all smirk, pleased with my assessment. “But I didn’t deserve that, just like you didn’t deserve the horrible things I did. I’m sorry, Darma, for spreading vicious lies about you. Deena, words can’t really express my embarrassment and disgrace when I think about the humiliation I caused you. And Trina, if I could take back the things I’ve said to you over the years, I would. I can’t go back to the past, but I’d like you to know, I said those things to hurt you, not because they were true. None of it was true, and everyone should know that they are perfect just the way they are.” I look down at my hands and swallow hard. “I’m asking for your forgiveness, but I understand
if you choose not to. This isn’t a trick. I hope that during this past year everyone has realized I’m not that wretched person anymore. And I don’t expect for us to all be best friends, but I do wish you the best in the future because I don’t know if I’m going to live here ever again.” I look at Tomas and can’t hide the tears brimming in my eyes. “Thank you,” I mouth to him, and he touches my cheek gently. I lean into his hand and let the tear fall to his palm. His thumb traces my cheek as he nods at me. The waitress approaches the table and asks if we’re ready to order. I look at the other girls, but they are just staring at me.
“Believe it or not, I forgave you a long time ago,” Deena says, ignoring the waitress with her pale blue eyes locked on mine. Tomas tells the waitress that we may need a few more minutes.
“I didn’t, but I do now,” Darma offers gruffly as she looks back down at her menu.
“I never wanted you to kill yourself. I hated you; that’s for sure, but when I came to school and heard you were in the hospital, I wished none of it had ever happened to you. I guess we all live with regret,” Trina finally says. Britt squeezes my hand under the table. I hadn’t even realized I’d reached for it and was holding it. “How’s the steak here?” Trina asks as she looks at her menu. We all kind of look at her, confused by her sudden nonchalance; she looks up and smiles at me. And we all burst into laughter.
I wake up at 6:48 in the morning to shifting and weight on the corner of my bed. I jolt up to find Lacey sitting on my bed in her sweatpants and a zip-up hoodie, her hair piled on top of her head. “Come on,” she whispers as she grabs my hand. I get up and follow her. As we descend the stairs, she hands me one of her hoodies. Mine are all packed and loaded in the tiny, rented trailer attached to Mom’s SUV. We go to the kitchen, and she hands me a coffee mug. It smells rich with chocolate and has marshmallows melted on the top of it. She leads me out through the sliding glass door onto the patio. The sky is still a dark navy blue color, and I’m tired and confused.
“Sit,” she orders, as she points to one of the lawn chairs. I obey and just watch her, wondering why we are out here at this hour. She sits across from me and crosses her legs.
“What are we doing?” I finally ask, rubbing sleep from my eyes. She takes a deep breath and looks up at the last few morning stars.
“I want our last morning together to really . . . mean something. So I thought we could just watch the sun rise. Our lives are changing, and we can’t control it, but we can control this. This is what I’ll remember when I’m sad, and I miss you. And I want you to do the same.” She wipes her eyes under her glasses and shrugs. “While we’re apart, no matter how far away we are, if you miss me, just think about this sunrise because our bond, our love is as constant as the sun rising in the east.” I look at her, lost for words. She sounds so wise, so old. Maybe she is, and I just missed when it happened. Now I find myself wiping at my own eyes. I look up too, as the sky becomes purple, then burgundy; reds, oranges and yellows of all hues slowly streak across the sky. We don’t say anything else as the sun rises around us, illuminating the only world we’ve either one ever known. But the world looks different today. Today everything changes.
After we say our final goodbyes with hugs, tears, and laughter, Mom and I are finally on the road. It’s only two hours away, but to me it might as well be days of travels away. We drive silently until we are out of the city limits.
“Are you excited?” Mom bubbles, a relieved smile rising on her cheeks as she suddenly feels free. I don’t feel free, and I begin digging through my bag for my iPod and earphones. I don’t share in her excitement of ripping me from everyone that I love. “This is a new beginning for us; you watch, a new chapter, and we can write whatever we want.”
Lacey
I can’t help the void I feel after Lana and my mom leave. I feel like I’m suffocating and quickly go upstairs to get cleaned up to go to the hospital. The house is quiet since Dad left a few minutes after they pulled out of the driveway. He made Mom promise to call him when they arrived. Their civility toward each other is unnerving. I guess once they resigned themselves to the fact that they were done, peace came over them. As I’m leaving, Henry is walking across my lawn toward my porch.
“Hey,” he says a little awkwardly, shoving his hands into his board short’s pockets.
“Hi,” I say, dropping my keys into my big bag purse. I carry it so that I can keep everything with me, all my purse essentials including my iPad, but also a hoodie and snacks for while I’m at the hospital. Not working and having to pay for every meal is really eating into my wallet.
“How’s he doing?” Henry asks, shuffling his feet.
“Same I guess, I haven’t heard today. What are you getting into?” I don’t care what he’s doing today; I’m just being polite. I just want to get to the hospital. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe until I can see Chase.
“Skating, I just wanted to check in. I haven’t really seen you since school let out.”
“I know, but I really need to go now,” I say, pointing with my thumb toward my car.
“Oh yeah, of course.” He begins to back away from me as I advance toward my car. “If you ever need to talk or anything . . . I’m around,” he says.
“Thanks,” I say distractedly as I get into my car, not giving him a second look.
When I get to the hospital, I give a small smile to the now-familiar faces behind the welcome center. I take the elevator up to the fifth floor where I follow the maze of halls that finally end at a set of double doors. I buzz for entry, and the nurse recognizes me and allows me to enter. Chase is still hooked up to monitors, but only an IV is stuck in his arm. They took him off all the coma-inducing drugs and said when he’s ready to wake up, he will, as easy as that. I lean into the doorway of his room as Grandma Birdy reads to him from The Importance of Being Earnest. She and Grandpa Joe manage to drive down for a few days every week. The guys in the band are here every chance they get, but it’s getting harder since they have jobs and summer school and other commitments. Still, they manage to come a few times a week. His mom is staying with Mike in Brownsburg since it’s closer to the hospital than Columbus. I think she’s slowly driving him insane though, or maybe quickly.
“Hi, honey,” Grandma Birdy greets me warmly when she finishes the chapter. I go to her and give her a hug. “Do you have any summer plans yet?” That’s an odd question.
“I’m spending it with Chase and work,” I say, as I sit facing him on his bed. I take his hand in mine. His warm callouses are my security, my strength. His grandma smiles at me.
“Grandpa Joe went to get the car. We have to go back today, but we’ll be back down next Monday.” I nod. “I’m not sure when Mike or Melissa are coming up. Mike is working till at least five, and Melissa was having issues with her hair this morning.” That’s the code for Melissa fell apart again today and may not make it up. Unlike me, she’s hasn’t figured out how to have silent breakdowns yet. Grandma Birdy doesn’t want to say anything that might upset Chase either. Her phone buzzes in her purse, and she rises slowly. “We’ll see you next week darling. She kisses my cheek and leans over to Chase, patting his shoulder before she kisses his forehead. “Did you hear that, Chase? Grandpa Joe and I have to leave now, but we’ll be back next week, OK?” We both watch him for a long moment. Nothing happens, and she pats him on the shoulder again. I walk with her to the elevators, and we hug again. As the doors open, Byron leans against the back wall. He gets off, and Grandma Birdy gets on. I give her a wave, and Byron walks silently beside me back to the unit. Once we’re back in his room, I take my spot on his bed, and Byron takes the seat Grandma Birdy was occupying.
“No change?” he asks sadly. I shake my head.
“I should have called 911 and made him go.” Byron still beats himself up over that fight. I look at him sternly. We don’t talk about this stuff when we’re around Chase. I don’t know how it will a
ffect him. “Oh shit, today’s the day Lana is leaving. Why are you here?” He covers his mouth and looks at me with wide eyes.
“Yeah, she left this morning.”
“How are you doing with all that?” I take a deep breath.
“I’m still breathing,” I finally offer. He leans forward and focuses on Chase for a while, maybe trying to mentally will him awake.
“By the way,” he narrows his eyes at me. “I got in trouble again for that party when the housekeeper found a condom wrapper in the back of my parent’s closet.” My eyes widen, and my face instantly reddens. “You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?” I roll my lips and look at him as innocently as I can.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I say, looking him right in the eye. He holds eye contact for a long moment before he leans back in the chair.
“Yeah right.” He rolls his eyes. “You’re an awful liar.” We laugh at the irony of it all, our friendship, our beginnings, and my lying skills.
More days pass. I am on an assembly line, going from one point to another. Some days it’s home, hospital, home; others it’s home, work, hospital, home. The only time I sleep deeply is when I nap in Chase’s bed. But home is empty. Dad either works late or crashes early. I rarely see him. I don’t really care either, except the cabinets in the kitchen are becoming bare. I am going to have to have a conversation with him about that.
I’m sleeping deeply when I’m shaken awake. I turn suddenly, not knowing where I am. I gain my bearings, only to find the sun has set, and I’m in Chase’s bed.
“Lacey, honey, you should go home.” I kiss Chase’s hand that I was cuddling and sit up as I stretch.
“I’m OK, Mike,” I say, rubbing my eyes before I reach for my glasses sitting on his rolling tray.
“We need to talk; I’m worried about you.”
Mia Castile - [The Butterfly Chronicles 02] Page 27
