That’s how successful actresses and actors dealt with their first castings. That’s how successful businessmen and women make deals. It’s just life. If you want to succeed, you need to fail often. The definition of failure, however, is crucial.
Thomas Edison invented the light bulb only after he failed hundreds, even thousands of times. To him, however, this wasn’t failure. It was a necessity since every faulty bulb brought him a step closer to the one that would do the trick. He said, “I have not failed, I just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.”
Do you fear failure?
If so, then it might be time to update your belief system. For me personally, failure means not trying. That’s when I fail, only then. As long as I try, the result doesn’t matter. When something doesn’t work out, I learn a valuable lesson, pivot a bit, and change my approach. I go for it again and again...
The “whatever happens, it’s OK” attitude is strong here too. If you don’t fear the outcome, whatever the outcome would be, there will be no fear to fail.
A guy who decides to not walk up to women to avoid the pain of rejection wins in the short term: no pain. He, however, loses in the long term considering he will never get a decent romantic life. This pain will ultimately be greater than getting rejected every now and then.
A woman who avoids job interviews or starting her own business because she’s too afraid she will fail, successfully avoids the pain in the short term. But the long-term pain of not exploring her full potential will hurt a whole lot more in the end.
There are two ways we can use this principle. First, we need to combine it with the fact that our bodies will do what they can to avoid pain. Then we use this as a strategy to motivate ourselves.
Here’s how it works, with a personal example. Many years ago I entered the postal office and as I was waiting in line, I saw a woman I liked. She looked at me and smiled. I thought, “I must talk to her” and of course, my negative radio turned on and warned me of all of the reasons why I shouldn’t do it (the fact that this was a public setting and that other people would see my downfall played a major role).
If I would have let this system run its course, I would have done nothing. Then, as I would be driving home, negative thoughts like “I’m such a loser. I should have walked over and talked to her. Next time I’ll do it” would have popped up.
Enter part two of the technique. As I was waiting in line, I started to deliberately imagine everything that would go wrong by not talking to her.
- I would think I’m a loser afterward
- I would miss out on getting to know her better
- I would miss out on taking long walks in nature with her
- I would miss out on waking up to her face on the pillow next to me
This, of course, represents pain as well. And because my mind wants to avoid pain, it found the motivation to walk over and talk to her, even though my heart was beating out of my chest. This very woman became my girlfriend, and I’ve now been happily living with her for many years.
Nevertheless, it almost never happened because of my fear of failure.
What areas of your life could and should you apply this technique in?
When your mind comes up with everything that can go wrong, overrule that by imagining what you will miss out upon by not doing it.
How to No Longer Care What People Think of You
I don’t know what fears you suffer from, but chances are they are in some way linked to other people. This is definitely the case should you suffer from a social phobia, agoraphobia, the nice guy/girl syndrome, or any other fear based upon, “Oh no! What will they think of me when... ”
If you have no trouble at all with this, you can skip this chapter.
Since you’re still reading, you probably face these three difficulties:
You fear what strangers think of you.
You fear what people you know somewhat think of you.
You fear what people you know really well think of you.
Options one and two should be dismissed right away. If you care about the opinions of people in groups one and two, you’ll overburden your processor. There are too many people to worry about. Repeat that to yourself whenever these fears surface.
Also understand that everyone will have haters. There is no way to avoid that. Even if you lay low and try to not have a conflict with anyone, conflicts will find you.
If I ask you to think about the one person you know at work or at school—or wherever you’re part of a larger group of people—the one person who’s the most respected and the most charismatic, who would that be?
Do you have someone in mind? Someone everyone (including you) respects and admires.
Now, the question is: is that person a people pleaser? Is that person flawless and perfect?
No.
People caring a lot about what others think of them do not get the respect and love they so desperately crave. It’s a rule of life. One I didn’t like at first, to be honest, since I am a former people pleaser. But we can’t fight the rules of life.
Whenever I bring out a new YouTube video or any other form of content, for about every twenty good comments or feedback I get, I get a rude or a negative one. I could try to adapt and avoid that one rude comment. But it’s not worth it; it’s not even possible. That rude comment says more about the person who posted it than it says about my performance in the video.
Rude comments come from people filled with hate and negativity. They are clearly not in a happy place for one reason or another. That’s why they cannot be avoided. Some people you come into contact with will feel miserable for some reason or even no reason at all. It will be easy to upset them, make them lash out, and make them treat you badly. All of this has nothing to do with you, what you said, or what you did. It’s on them.
Some people try to avoid conflicts or getting hurt. These two are unavoidable. Whether you have a tendency to assertively stand up for yourself or you suffer from the disease to please, conflicts will arise and you will get hurt. It’s a law of life.
Remarkably, people pleasers who try to avoid getting hurt end up getting hurt a lot more often, because other people start taking them for granted and treat them like a doormat.
If you want to live your life, have experiences that matter, and have fun every now and then, you’ll always cross the path of people who won’t agree with you or who will be rude in some way. Apply the “whatever happens, it’s OK” attitude. It’s a part of life; it cannot be avoided.
If that’s the way they want to go through life, I feel sorry for them. I pity them. These negative-minded people are clearly unhappy. Their lives must be so bad that they need to vent that negativity and will let it impact others. Silly, isn’t it?
But therein lies the secret. There’s nothing you could possibly do to transform these people into positive versions that will like and love you. It’s a waste of time. It’s not our job to educate or change other people.
I could write a whole other book on people-pleasing and the many reasons why you should never try it. Let me pick the one reason that matters here: it will make you stressed out and anxious.
Every negative emotion you have makes you more prone to anxiety. Trying to please other people by adapting to their wishes and whims and trying to be a chameleon that changes his/her behavior to blend in and be liked (or not seen at all), demands a tremendous amount of energy. And for what? For something that cannot be avoided!
You’ve heard the timeless adage, “Just be yourself.”
Who is that anyway?
I apply it in the sense that I no longer adapt in an effort to be liked. When I still was an agoraphobic, I thought everyone was continuously judging me. From the people I would cross on the street and didn’t even know to the close friends and colleagues I looked up to.
When I walked into a room of people, I could feel and hear the hundreds of possible opinions of everyone glancing over. As I talked to someone, I tried to get inside of their
minds so I could figure out if I was pleasing them and if they liked what I said. I continuously sought their approval.
And you know what? None of that mattered. Those who liked me, liked me; those who didn’t, didn’t. I, on the other hand, was wasting energy and fun I could have had. I was quickly depleting my batteries whenever I did something that involved the presence of other people. This had turned me into a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). There were too many triggers and stimuli I continuously had to take into account. Micro expressions on other people’s faces, what they were saying, how they were saying it, the way they looked at me…
While I was overcoming my phobias and anxieties, I was sitting in a movie theater—the place where I feared getting nauseated and vomiting in front of other people. Surely, because my mind had been conditioned, my thoughts went there again, “Yep, there you have it. You’re nauseous. What if you now start to throw up? Isn’t it best you leave now, right away?” That’s what I would have done in the past. Heck, I probably wouldn’t even have been there.
“STOP!” I thought. Instead, I chose to say to myself, “Whatever happens, it’s OK. If I vomit, projectile style, and I cover all of the people in front of me including the movie screen, so be it. BRING IT ON! I don’t care anymore. I’m sick and tired of this type of anxiety. I want to live, and I don’t want to adapt any longer. So I’m going to make the choice to not care! Bring it on, whatever it will be. And if all of these people hate me, so be it! These guys are just movie extras filling up the room. They’re nothing but other elements of nature.”
“When I walk in the woods, do I care about what the trees think of me? NO! Well, people are—just like trees—elements of nature. The sun will still come up tomorrow; the birds will still fly around and chirp. Traffic jams will still appear everywhere. Life goes on. So who cares? Why should I spend energy on this? Because you know what’s worse? If I continue to do what I always do, I’m going to talk down to myself, be disappointed, think I’m a loser and a failure. I would have a bad opinion of myself. And that’s the only opinion that ever matters. My own opinion. And I like me. I love me. These other people are just extras filling up the room. So be it.”
What a rant! But a good one.
As I was using this positive self-dialogue, convincing myself why I shouldn’t care about what others thought of me, I felt a form of power grow in me that took over. The nausea didn’t subside right away, but the anxiety did. I was free.
I truly didn’t care about others anymore. I had finally managed to turn the switch. I then started to apply this exact way of thinking wherever my search for approval tried to take over.
How can you apply this in your life? Please do a little exercise where you write down your limiting beliefs related to being liked by other people. When that’s done, answer the way I just did in that movie theater. Write down the script you will be using the next time you’re limiting yourself by seeking the approval of others too much. Write it down beforehand or afterward (for the next time), but please, write it down.
A Special Word on Panic Attacks
Using your mind to deal with anxiety is one thing, employing your mind to deal with panic attacks will often be a bit trickier since your mind and entire body are in “Death is imminent! Help!” mode.
It’s hard to reason with yourself when your mind and body are in that zone. So although I want you to use all of the other techniques and mindsets already explained before (they will help, even with severe panic attacks!), here are some specific thoughts you can unleash on panic attacks and the negative self-talk that comes with them.
“I’m going to die!”
“Is this a heart attack?”
“I’m about to faint.”
“I need to get out of here NOW!”
“Must be a disease, a bad one!”
“I’m going to lose my mind, I may have already lost it!”
If the symptoms you are feeling are severe, any of these sentences will probably be one of your first thoughts. Let’s focus on the most dominant symptom most people have: the heart rate goes up. You may have a different symptom. What follows still applies to you too. When you panic, you always panic about something. It will often be a symptom, a sensation, you may panic about the situation you’re in, the fact that you can’t get out when you please or any one of the other millions of possibilities. We’ll deal with more symptoms in the addendum at the back of the book.
For this example, however, we’ll presuppose your heart rate goes up and this triggers the first thought of, “What’s going on here? I hope that... ” This can eventually launch the vicious cycle.
First of all, the fact that you’re feeling a symptom may not mean anything. There are so many reasons why your heart rate might go up without there being anything wrong with your heart. Some examples include: you have some internal anger, you ate chocolate (the substance theobromine in the cacao increases the heart rate), you ate something that your body is slightly allergic to, you drank alcohol, you’re stressed, you’re about to catch the flu or a cold, you’re nervous about an upcoming event, and so on.
You may of course also feel the symptoms because of the anxiety itself.
The symptoms will all have a logical cause. It’s your body reacting to something or your body that’s taking care of a task it has to complete. If that, however, starts to worry you, then you launch the vicious panic attack cycle as I’ve explained in part one of the book.
Let’s say you then start to worry about the symptoms themselves, in combination with the fact that they are appearing in the most inappropriate moment (in a restaurant, during a meeting, in flight, at home alone, while far away from home, while surrounded by other people).
I’m not a doctor, and having symptoms can mean something is wrong. Nonetheless, if you’ve had your health checked by a medical doctor like I’ve asked you to, then know that you are not dying when you feel any or all of these symptoms. The panic attack that’s giving you these unwanted sensations is the very system that wants to keep you alive.
Trust in the verdict your doctor gave you. When he or she said you are healthy and medically fine, you are. Doctors have been trained for many years; they don’t overlook serious health problems. It’s simply because the fight-or-flight system has been activated that you are feeling some strange symptoms.
Your negative voice might now say, “Doctors do miss things. They’re human beings! I’ve heard stories and seen stuff on TV and the Internet... ” If you had that thought, that’s again proof of your incredibly powerful radar that looks out for you. It’s trying to find BS in what I’m saying in order to protect you. It’s doing its job!
Yes. Of course it has happened that a doctor told a patient, “You’re fine and superbly healthy,” and that patient then walks out and dies upon getting in his or her car. True. A piano may have landed on his head, an angry mob of vicious scorpions may have stung him, he may have had a heart attack... People are dying every second for a variety of reasons. People are winning the lottery every second. People are making the best love they ever made every second. People are doing a gazillion things every single second of the day.
But that’s not the point. If you have symptoms that worry you, it is your responsibility to have your health checked by a professional. It is not your responsibility to freak out, have anxiety, and continuously worry about it.
Ever since I’ve overcome my panic attacks, I do get struck by odd symptoms every now and then, and it can happen at an inappropriate moment too. Not often, but it does happen. When it does I follow the following script:
I say, “whatever happens, it’s OK. I choose to not feel anxiety. Having the symptom is bad enough. I don’t need to add oil to the fire. Been there done that.”
If the symptom is really bad or weird or persists, I go see my doctor.
I trust my doctor’s verdict, or, if the feeling stays, I may look for a solution elsewhere. But I do not freak out about it! I no longer feel anxiety for it.
&n
bsp; Again, if I were to die right now while typing this sentence, I would have peace with that. Totally ridiculous to some, not to me. I’ve had a fear of death for fourteen years, and trust me, that was ridiculous. I forgot to live. And now, almost two decades later, I’m still alive and kicking.
All of that worrying was for nothing, time I could have spent learning how to knit my own sweaters or how to singlehandedly stop global warming. Plus, even if bad stuff is about to happen, worrying won’t save us.
So if you get a strange sensation, choose not to fear it. It’s a tough choice since the anxiety won’t fall away immediately upon making the choice, but at least you won’t pour oil on the fire. And little by little the symptoms won’t launch anxiety any longer.
Please, I know this is very easy to say and overwhelmingly hard to do. I’ve had to go through it, and I’ve seen many of my clients wrestle with it too. But standing on the other side and looking back, I can tell you it’s worth the struggle.
Badass Ways to End Anxiety & Stop Panic Attacks! Page 11
