Jenna, on the other hand, had a major fear of public spaces. The supermarket was one of her worst spots since there she felt trapped at the checkout counter while she was waiting in line. That’s the moment she couldn’t run if needed. “People would think I’m a fool or worse, a thief,” she said. The only time she’d dare to enter a supermarket was when her boyfriend would accompany her.
What Jenna did was the opposite of exposure. Can you see why?
Bringing her boyfriend with her was empowering her anxiety. She told her subconscious mind, “The supermarket is dangerous. I need my boyfriend to protect me and feel safe.”
After learning all of the techniques to defend herself against anxiety (the ones you’ve gotten in part two), she chose the option of gradual exposure. She went to the supermarket alone a couple of times, without the need to buy anything. She did bring the audio course with her on her phone, so she could listen to my voice when needed. Although she could run away whenever she wanted, I asked her to stay as long as she could, just to see what would happen.
Every time Jenna went, she increased her time spent there. About three weeks later, I got an e-mail from her with the subject line, “I did it!”
Jenna explained she had bought all of her groceries alone, and even though the anxiety had tried to increase, she was able to take control and push it away while she continued to fill up her shopping cart. This was a major victory for her as you can imagine.
I want to elaborate a bit on what happened here and why this helped her out, so you can apply it better as well.
As the anxiety came, she didn’t run anymore. This was her way of saying, “I choose to no longer have fear of the fear.” This is the first positive domino that needs to fall.
She let the anxiety flood her. Although the anxiety was there, she didn’t start to hurry to get it over with. She waited for the worst to happen. That’s the “whatever happens, it’s OK” mindset.
As time went by, the real tigers didn’t appear since they’re fonder of the jungle than supermarkets. People didn’t yell at her, and none of the bad stuff her negative voice had been warning her about happened.
She realized her negative voice was full of it. It wasn’t the oracle. She could simply laugh it off the next time.
Her intolerance to anxiety decreased significantly. It wasn’t something she had to avoid any longer. Anxiety wasn’t bad. This last domino was what set her free.
There are many ways you can benefit from exposure. One way is going all in from the get-go. This can be brutal, but it is often very effective since more than one fear can vanish at once.
The second way is a step-by-step process, sometimes even three steps ahead, one backward. That’s fine, too. I’ve seen great results amongst my clients whatever way they chose. All in or slowly working their way up.
If you want to go slow, plan to take it one step at a time. You can include exit strategies for every step of the way. Examples are taking someone with you (who can drive you home, if need be), making sure someone is on standby that you can call whenever needed, and taking tools with you. No hammers and axes but a lifeline. I had a fear of getting nauseous in public places, so at first I would carry a little plastic bag in my pocket, just in case. Those exit strategies are fine. Not needed, but they are fine.
The challenge, however, is to last as long as you possibly can without reaching for them. The very first time Jenna exposed herself to her fears in the supermarket, her boyfriend was waiting for her in the car on the parking lot. That was fine since he didn’t join her. He was just the exit strategy. She still faced her fears alone.
If Possible, Don’t Plan Ahead
I realize this is not always possible, but it can be helpful to not plan ahead and just do whatever scares you in the heat of the moment. We all have our good and our bad days. Say you are having a good day and you wonder if today is a good day to test that thing that gives you anxiety. That’s the moment to jump up and do it.
Really!
As you try to make the decision to go for it, your mind will then continue to play games with you and will still try to stop you. It will give you all of the excuses in the book (logically, it’s trying to keep you safe and still thinks that whatever it is you fear includes hungry predators). Don’t listen to that voice; it’s just another mind game. Go for it!
If you have to plan ahead (e.g., for a fear of public speaking or flying), that’s fine too. The anticipatory fear will try to bother and stop you, so your mind will keep coming up with the event as it comes closer and will force you to bail out with an excuse. Keep dismissing it, as much as you need to.
“Thanks, warning system. I’ll see what happens when the moment comes, not beforehand!”
During your exposure, you’ll need to mainly work on three things:
Uncertainty
Control
Anxiety itself
The uncertainty is the reason you have been avoiding that what gives you anxiety. It’s exactly because you don’t know what will happen that you’re anxious. You wonder if your worst nightmare will come true or not. Might the negative voice be right? Will that bad thing really happen? Here too, we’ve all had to face this uncertainty and in a way say, “You know what? Whatever happens it’s OK. Show me what you’ve got!” This is the best way to accept and even embrace the uncertainty.
That phrase and mindset will also help with control. During the exposure, your mind will want you to be in control in an effort to take away the uncertainty (e.g., “Go for the aisle seat so you can get up whenever needed” or “Let’s do it when it won’t be crowded” or “Let’s call in sick.”). Let go of the notion of having everything under control, and go with the flow. If you want to take it step-by-step, limit the control you’ll have and only build in some contingencies or exit strategies like the people from the examples I previously gave you did.
Letting go of control is crucial to living a life where anxiety doesn’t dominate you. It’s the solution to a social phobia, a fear of driving or flying, hypochondria, and many more forms of anxiety.
If control is an issue for you, and I bet it is, your mind mistakenly believes that having everything under control will give you the freedom you desire. This is faulty. You cannot have everything under control. There are so many factors we cannot control: nature, the reactions and thoughts of other people, traffic, etc. There are a gazillion things we cannot control, and true freedom comes when you fully embrace that. Embracing the fact you cannot control everything can lift a huge weight off your shoulders and set you free. That sounds like it comes from one of those spiritually enlightening books, doesn’t it? But it isn’t. Trying to have everything under control severely limits your freedom and the quality of your life. Not to mention that it will burn out your nervous system swiftly.
This is a true catch-22. The more you try to have everything under control, the less control you’ll have.
Imagine what will happen when your mind comes up with a “what if?” question or any other anxiety inducer, and you automatically dismiss it. Can you imagine how free you would be? How easy would it be to say “yes” to all of the experiences life has to offer without worrying?
The third challenge you’ll need to work on is the anxiety itself. Whenever you expose yourself to what you fear, it’s logical that you will feel anxiety. Nonetheless, the simple fact that you decide to face your fears is a step of major importance. It communicates to your subconscious mind that you’ve decided to no longer fear the fear itself. This is very important.
You’ll need to be prepared for this third challenge.
I’ve had clients who started to expose themselves to what they feared, and it went well from the get-go. (This is not the norm.) So they kept doing it and mistakenly thought the problem was gone.
But then at one point, they felt a bout of unexpected anxiety. It was as if lightning struck while the skies were blue. They panicked. They didn’t know what to think, so they followed the negative thoughts that pop
ped up, “Oh no, it’s back. I’ll never get over this…”
You will always need to expect that anxiety will show its head at some point. When you expect it, it won’t take you by surprise.
Please remember that it’s impossible to live without anxiety. There will always be events that can scare you. We can’t turn the alarm system off. And it will still give a false alarm here and there. So it’s your intolerance to anxiety that needs to be overcome.
Anxiety is a normal emotion. We can all feel it. “Normal” people, however, don’t dislike anxiety. They simply dismiss it when it’s not appropriate.
The strategy in this exposure phase is that this time you won’t run away or try to get it over with as quickly as you can. You’ll stay and face it, so the anxiety can show you how ugly it can get. Then, since you’re still there, you’ll see your negative thoughts were full of it. They had been bluffing all along.
Let me repeat that. If you don’t run from your anxiety and just wait it out, it will get bad (with or without a panic attack) and then it will pass!
On its own.
There’s no need to run.
To recap: exposure is a powerful and necessary weapon against anxiety, but only when you combine it with the other tools you are learning throughout this book.
When It Tries to Come Back
Since I’ve been helping people get over their anxiety and panic attacks for so long, I’ve had thousands of people who overcame their panic attacks and could finally start living their lives again.
Some of them, however, sent me an e-mail often more than five years later stating, “I’ve had a panic attack. All is lost, right? What do I do now?” That’s a very interesting question.
Just imagine what it would feel like: you finally overcome those pesky symptoms and feelings, you start living your life again without that dreaded fear of the fear, and for the first time in ages, you get to enjoy doing that what you previously feared.
But then, lightning strikes. You get an anxious moment and possibly a panic attack. Your negative thoughts kick in, and warn you, “There you have it! I’m back at square one. Everything is starting again!”
Honestly, the fact that you will have uncomfortable moments in the future is as sure as the fact that ice melts in the desert. It’s unavoidable. The question is: how will you respond?
The initial negative thoughts are very normal, you still have your danger radar, you still have your little cartoonish devil, you still have your negative voice. You remain human, after all.
But what you do next will be important. We both know what will happen if you go down the “why, oh why... ” path.
It’s better to overrule the negative voice with sentences like, “Sure, sure. Whatever happens it’s all OK. Panic attack, no panic attack, feeling perfect, not feeling perfect… I go with the flow. I no longer fear the fear. If anxiety wants to come and visit for whatever reason under the sun, it can. I’ll just take it with me.”
From now on, never fear the fear. Make that decision today.
It’s worth it.
Now It’s Up to You
When I launched the first version of my audio course in 2005, some people sent me an e-mail asking, “Should I still go through the entire course if I only have one type of anxiety? Can I just go through certain sessions? I’m looking for a shortcut you see.”
The answer was and is always yes; every single session of the course is important. I am not a psychic. I have no idea what combination of techniques will work best for someone. All the techniques work together, and it’s up to you to specialize and utilize them for your particular needs. You can only get there if you test and apply all of them.
The same applies to this book.
Some of your habits and the ways you deal with your thoughts are causing and maintaining the anxiety that currently holds you back. You’ll need to try and test a whole range of techniques to find out what combination works best for you.
Please understand that it took me more than six months to completely overcome my panic attacks. On average, people who follow my audio course need a couple of weeks before they start to feel better and a couple of months before they are “cured.” Even then, there is no typical result. It takes time.
So many websites, pills, books, and gurus try to make you believe it’s easy and fast to overcome anxiety and panic attacks with their special trick (and that trick, of course, is the only solution against panic attacks. Without it, everyone is doomed). These are blatant lies and misleading claims. It’s not easy. It’s never fast, and there is no one solution. Luckily, however, it is very much possible to totally eradicate panic attacks, phobias, and generalized anxiety disorders!
Overcoming anxiety and panic attacks can be compared to climbing a mountain. It won’t be easy. There will be setbacks. But when you reach the top, the view will be great. As long as you continue to climb, you will reach the top. I want to stress this because I know you’re currently still suffering from your negative voice. It’s still taunting you. You may have tried a couple of techniques prior to reading this book and felt no change. Don’t listen to the negative voice telling you that overcoming your anxiety is impossible. That’s not true (and the negative voice can’t prove that it is anyway)!
This is a challenge we’ve all faced. I remember Claire, a woman who was following my audio course about seven years ago. After she finished the second session, she sent me an e-mail explaining how great she felt. She had a social phobia and had successfully used some of the techniques during a wedding she attended. She felt so relieved! Her problems were finally over. Although that was indeed a great result, I asked her to stick to the course and to continue working on herself. There was a reason the course consists of multiple sessions, not just two.
Even though she had the entire course at her disposal, she was so happy with that early result that she paused the course. About a month later, she reached out to me again. Claire explained she had had another panic attack. “All of my symptoms are back,” she told me. “I got a panic attack yesterday. That spooked me so much. I feel so depressed and disappointed now and can’t help but think I’m a lost case. I’ll never get over this. What do I do now?”
Before you continue reading. Can you see what happened to her and why? What could she have done better?
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She made a couple of logical mistakes we’re all prone to make.
She paused the course after only two sessions because she had immediate results. That’s what she was hoping for: a miracle. When the miracle seemed to come, she stopped putting in an effort. That’s like removing some of the weeds in the garden without eliminating the roots. The weeds will come back quickly.
She expected her anxiety to never try to resurface once it was gone.
She still feared the anxiety and was intolerant to it. There was no acceptance. She still feared the fear. That’s the true root!
When her anxiety came back, her negative voice went crazy and played many mind games on her. She believed that voice because she hadn’t mastered all of the techniques yet.
I like to compare this to learning how to drive. Knowing how to drive a car in a straight line doesn’t enable you to handle busy intersections, mountain roads, or traffic jams filled with angry drivers behind the wheel. You need to put in the time and effort to learn how to respond in a variety of situations.
Claire had tried to skip those steps. So I asked Claire to start over and continue the course till the end. Six months later, she e-mailed me back and told me she had completed all of the sessions. She added, “Geert, I know I’m not done yet. I haven’t had anxiety for months now, but I’ll continue to practice the te
chniques. And if my anxiety tries to come back, I won’t get spooked this time. I’ll simply put it back into its cage.” Although she did feel anxious once or twice since then (after a difficult divorce, for instance), she managed to keep the unnecessary anxiety at bay for several years and counting. The reason is simple: she had finally mastered it.
If you put in the effort to learn how to walk, swim, bike, or drive, you’ll never forget it. You have mastered it. It became part of your skillset. If you diligently learn how to master anxiety, you’ll never forget it. Anxiety will never be able to dominate you ever again. It is well worth the effort!
I, for instance, can never go back to the anxious guy I used to be. I cannot unlearn what I have mastered.
Badass Ways to End Anxiety & Stop Panic Attacks! Page 13
