I had walked on board with serious bouts of anxiety, nearly erupting into panic attacks, but as I was using this kind of self-dialogue, I started to calm down.
I’ve never had a fear of flying since.
And I’m giving you my exact thoughts since I know literally what I told myself, but please know that I’ve gotten hundreds of testimonials of people who have followed my audio course over the years who managed to do the exact same thing, often using a different set of thoughts that worked just fine for them. You’ll need to come up with your own soothing cocktail of words, using any of the techniques you’ve learned in part two of the book.
Here too, you can start small with a short-distance flight or go big and travel to the other side of the world like I personally did. It doesn’t matter. If you suffer from a fear of flying, your first flight will be pure torture. Your mind will anticipate the flight weeks in advance. When it does, congratulate your danger radar for being there for you. And keep repeating like a broken record, “Thanks. I’ll see it when it happens. I’ll see it then, when the moment is there. I’ll stop planning now. I’ll see it on the very day of the flight.”
The day of the flight, your anxiety system will do everything it can to stop you from boarding. Why wouldn’t it? You’ve been reacting as if you’re about to be stuck in a confined space with two hundred bloodthirsty tigers fighting for the overhead luggage compartments. Here too, keep congratulating your anxiety system but firmly repeat, “Dear anxiety, I’ll take you with me. I love you as much as you love me. I’m even starting to love panic attacks, thanks to that weirdo I read that book from, so I’ll just take you with me since you seem to want to join me.” And then move ahead, with your anxiety.
Don’t expect your anxiety to subside yet. Expect it to be there, allow it to be there, and move forward regardless.
Do not drink alcohol on or before the flight. This will make it much harder to use your positive self-dialogue and may increase your anxiety.
As you’re in flight, not avoiding the anxiety is key. It’s pointless to look at your watch and calculate how long you’ll still have to put up with this, for if you do, you’re only feeding the anxiety. We’re not there to wait for the flight to end or the anxiety to subside (not even that); we’re there to learn how to become friends with all of those dreadful feelings and thoughts. Learning to give in, to accept, and to go with the flow is key.
Try thinking, “I’m going to stay here for as long as you stay, dear anxiety, even after we’ve landed and I have arrived at my destination, I’ll stay put. I’m here to learn to deal with you. I no longer run. I accept you. And if you don’t like that, it’s up to you to leave. I won’t. I’ll stay put for the return flight if needed.”
I probably don’t have to keep explaining why it’s totally OK and even the goal to have these types of silly dialogues with ourselves. All of the anxious “what if?” thoughts are at the very least as silly and ridiculous.
And then you keep doing this as long as it takes. You can of course add anything from the menu you found in part two of this book. Any of those techniques works great against the mind games you’ll get on board of a plane.
Fear in social settings
This is a very common fear for obvious reasons. It’s tough to live your life isolated on a deserted island. There are a lot of other people out there if you don’t want to live in total isolation, so whatever you do, there will be social settings you have to be a part of.
Even when I was a full agoraphobic, afraid to leave my own house, I still had to join the rest of my family every now and then during important occasions. I still had to go to school and later to work.
Many fears can come together in this area of socially tinted anxiety and panic attacks. You may fear certain symptoms and are scared to get them in front of others. You may fear making a fool of yourself. You may fear others will dislike you, dismiss you, reject you, or think you are weak/silly/stupid/not up to the task.
“Other people see me as a very strong woman” is what many women who secretly suffer from severe panic attacks tell me. And it’s not an accident, they want to be seen as a strong woman; they are ashamed of the strange thoughts and sensations they are struggling with. Men, of course, suffer equally.
Embarrassment is indeed key, and most people with a social fear go to great lengths to avoid that embarrassment. This is the key in fact.
Here’s what I mean. When you’re sitting at a table in a restaurant and you get your dreaded symptom (for me that would have been nausea), it is not the symptom that scares you. That’s not what you are afraid of.
Am I right?
Let me rephrase the question. Would you still fear your symptom if you were be walking around, alone, on a deserted island when it struck? Probably not. At least not so much.
The projected embarrassment is the cause of the fear. The feelings of shame and rejection are the originators.
This is a double-edged sword since on top of the preemptive embarrassment, you’ll also feel trapped. On one hand, you have the symptom and sensations; on the other hand, you have the other people.
“One or both must go! Either the symptoms stop or I will have to move away from these people,” your mind will conclude. And since you can’t make the other people vanish, that gives your anxious mind a couple of options:
- excusing yourself, which is not always possible
- trying to manage your symptoms, which will probably make it worse thanks to the vicious cycle
So what are you to do? I’m sure you know the answer by now: full acceptance. “Whatever happens, it’s OK. Bring it on; show me the worst you’ve got. I’m ready.”
There is no other way. Worrying about or trying to suppress the symptoms will only feed them, will launch the vicious cycle, and make everything worse.
Avoidance or running away will temporarily decrease the anxiety, but your life will become a string of moments with anticipatory anxiety. Subsequently the dreadful social moment will come and pass, only to be followed by the anticipation of the next event on the calendar.
Full acceptance is key, but there luckily are some stepping-stones that can help you get there.
First, the sensation of being stuck is fake. It is created by your own mind. Here too, we’ll have to think back of what Victor Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
The stimulus is the symptom and the fact that other people are near, the response is whatever you choose it to be. This is a freedom nobody can take away from you. You can choose to respond with even more anxiety, as I diligently did during fourteen years, or you can choose any of the techniques from part two of this book.
When I got a panic attack in the movie theaters, it was because I thought I couldn’t leave. I knew I could... but then other people would have to get up, my friends would ask me what happened, I would miss parts of the movie... so I was trapped. It was a major lose-lose situation.
When I had trouble during meetings or in restaurants, I knew other people would wonder why I had to urgently leave. They would question me about it afterward, my food would get cold, I would have missed important parts of the meeting, I would feel like a loser... so I thought I couldn’t leave. Same goes for family get-togethers, shopping for groceries, and any of the other social situations.
First, we’re not stuck. We can at the very least move around, even in an airplane, train, or an elevator. The feeling of being stuck is a mind game.
But it doesn’t matter. There’s no need to move or to leave!
You’re fine where you are.
Please put that sentence on your bathroom mirror: “I’m fine wherever I am.” The fear is fake; it’s unwanted anxiety. You’re not about to get eaten here either. There is no need to run because if you do, you’re proving that this situation is indeed to be avoided, making it harder for the next time you’re in the same or even in simila
r circumstances. That’s the reason why my anxiety spread out like a wild flame in a batch of hay. From a family get-together where I had my first attack to restaurants, movie theaters, public transportation, and so on.
There’s no need to run since the other location you’re running toward isn’t safer than where you were. Both are not dangerous. It’s a perceived danger, not a real one (if it were, it would be real, wanted anxiety and running would actually be advised).
Now your mind may say, “Thanks, Geert, next time I’ll force myself to stay.” There’s no need for that either.
Whatever happens, it’s OK. You can leave, you can stay, it doesn’t matter. Try to take away that pressure that you’re otherwise adding onto your already sensitive nervous system. It’s all OK.
What I did is I told myself: “I can leave, but I choose to stay. I want to sit this one out; I want to see what happens. I’m going with the flow; I allow all of my symptoms and sensations. I let it happen. I’m sick of running, I’m sick of worrying. It’s time to see what happens when I stay.”
Well... here too I came home empty handed. Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. My symptoms stayed for about twenty minutes, the average time of every panic attack, and then they left. The tigers, sharks, utter and total humiliation, rejection, the end of my days, the end of everything... none of that came!
Let me tell you a great story of something that happened shortly after I had overcome my panic attacks. Here I was, out and about, living my life again. I’m out with a good friend and we’re sitting in a very fancy restaurant. Very fancy. The kind where you don’t want to cause any problems.
We had just ordered our dinner, and I was sipping from my mojito as my phone started to vibrate. I saw a text message stating, “Geert, I’m afraid I have bad news... ” and then some news that was indeed really bad for me professionally.
It came as a shock and was totally unexpected. I had just defeated another major problem and thought I was going to be in the clear for a while. This dinner was meant as a celebration for overcoming that other issue, and the last thing I had expected that night was getting that text. Neither did my body and my all-time bestie: my amygdala.
Since I perceived that worrisome business news as danger, my amygdala was there to help and it tried to launch a major panic attack, thinking that would take care of it. Amazing. Only, not so much at that time.
Right away, I lost all visibility. It was pitch black in front of my eyes, and I could no longer see at all. Then I got a major wave of warmth through my body. The fact that I could no longer see my good friend, nor my mojito troubled me for a second.
But then I got it. I thought, “Wow, I just pushed the fire alarm. My amygdala thinks this bad news is going to kill me. Good job, little buddy. Although I’m not sure what losing my vision is meant for, but anyways, good job. The news is bad indeed and will have big consequences, but there are no tigers!”
No longer feeling ashamed I told my friend and even the waiter who came to check up on us: “I just got bad news and for some reason I can’t see, but that’s OK, my vision will come back” and I continued the conversation I was having with my friend. Exactly seven minutes later (my friend timed it), my vision slowly returned. I could think clearly again and the fog was gone.
The bad news was still there. Nothing had been fixed, but I had decided, “I can’t change anything about it tonight. I received bad news, I got a bad stimulus, but I’m going to do what Victor Frankl said. I have the freedom to choose how I respond, and I’m responding by deciding that I will deal with it as of tomorrow. It’s outside of my control for now anyway,” and I had a great night.
This is indeed our last freedom, the one that nobody can ever take away. We do not decide what happens to us, but we always decide how we respond.
Allow your anxiety, don’t resist, and then use any of the techniques from part two. Whatever the “what if?” that your mind comes up with, allow it, and say “Sure, whatever. I’ll see it when it happens. Thanks for the warning.”
On a final social note, I often get the question: “Geert, what do I do when fear hits me during a conversation. I then don’t have time for a whole inner self-dialogue.”
First of all, you do. During a conversation, your mind still goes into a thousand directions. Yet there is no need to spend time on panicking. For some people that image remains important, as in the other person shouldn’t see that I’m feeling bad.
Shame is never good or needed. It takes courage to be open and authentic, so should you say, “I don’t feel well, I think I’m having a panic attack... anyway, how are the kids?” then this takes proverbial balls. And other people know it!
Owning up to something and deliberately risking the embarrassment is much more courageous than frantically trying to hide what’s happening. So should you feel the need, just explain what’s going on.
Nevertheless, full acceptance is the solution here. No lengthy inner dialogue is needed when you don’t have the time, just say, “Whatever, I give myself to what’s about to happen and I’ll see it when it does” and continue the conversation. No resistance, no defense, just full acceptance.
This works miracles in every social situation.
And if you want more, here are some additional “I no longer care about what others think of me” exercises.
Expose yourself to them not liking you!
This is a tricky but important technique. The only way to master some activities is to actually do them. You cannot learn to ride a bike by reading a book or by watching a how-to YouTube video about it. You’ll need to do it for real.
What if you could play around and push your limits by stepping outside of your comfort zone? I can tell you from firsthand experience that this is super liberating. Here’s what I mean. If you’re scared about what people think of you, chances are you’re continuously adapting and making sure you don’t step out of what’s considered the norm. That is a continuous stress and pressure on your nervous system and will increase the likelihood of feeling anxiety, having a panic attack, and more.
The best way to step out of this is to see what happens when you risk people not liking you. Will it be as bad as you imagine?
That makes me remember one of my flights in the US about a decade ago. One guy was constantly cracking jokes. I don’t know what vitamins he had taken prior to the flight but at one point he got up, looked around with a smile, and said, “Anyone want to join me and go for a smoke outside?”
Most people in his vicinity started to laugh. Some didn’t care, and some probably wondered when he was going to be quiet. He, however, didn’t care. He enjoyed himself and even got the phone number of the cute woman next to him. We all overheard that too.
So how do you go about testing this? Simply step out of your comfort zone, with that being the only goal.
When you’re walking down a busy street, don’t step aside for the people coming right at you. Take the risk of bumping into them. First of all, you’ll see that most people will actually adjust their path and move out of your way. Second, when someone doesn’t and you do bump into them, you can simply say “oops” and continue on. It’s as much their fault as it is yours!
If you’re a man, walk into the lingerie section of any major store and browse through the bras and hosiery. When someone asks if you need help say, “No thanks. I’m just browsing.” This might feel really weird as if you’re not supposed to be there. You’ll have thoughts like “what will all of these people think of me?” That’s exactly the point. The more you expose yourself to situations like this and actually survive them, the more your fears will melt away.
If you’re a woman, go to the men’s restrooms and pretend you don’t care. When someone says something about it, you can say, “Thanks, I know” with a smile. And keep repeating that sentence if needed.
All of these examples will feel really awkward. Again, that’s the goal! We need to learn to feel and accept unwanted emotions. That’s how our comfort circle and
especially our self-confidence grow.
A great one is to get into an already occupied elevator and instead of turning around and facing the door, keep facing forward, thus directly facing all of the people already in the elevator. Simply smile and then mind your own business.
As you can see, the goal is to put yourself deliberately in a socially awkward situation. If anyone gives you a negative remark during these exercises, simply smile. You will feel bad inside, but that too is the point. You’re strengthening that muscle in order to get used to it.
The more you’re in a socially awkward situation and you survive, the more your amygdala and brain will learn that there’s nothing to fear. And since you’ve survived the really awkward moments, little things like giving a speech or having a romantic dinner will feel like walks in the park.
Badass Ways to End Anxiety & Stop Panic Attacks! Page 16
